The problem is me I think...

[steppingup]

Just a bit of support needed I think. Tough day and my DP isn't interested in talking.

I feel up and down all of the time when his kids come to stay. I try very hard to make my DP and his kids happy, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't but I know thats how it goes! I've slowly come to realise that any negative feelings are all my own doing and it's really affecting me.

His exW used to be a cow towards me but has strangely mellowed in the last couple of months. Chatting when we pick up kids, even texting me rather than DP to see how the kids are or to arrange things. So I'm lucky I guess that I don't have an evil exW to deal with. Having said that, she's a total bitch to DP in mediation sessions; they're divorced but still doing financial sorting out. My DP and I are on a debt management plan as we're struggling, she has 2 holidays a year, has enough money off DP every month as well as being married to a well off man - but I guess the ex will always try and get what she can from her ex husband no matter how better off she is than us, and she knows it.
Anyway, back to the point. I just want to be happy with my DP and happy when the kids come. Sometimes I am but I'm so up and down that I hate myself for it. Everytime they shout 'Daddy' even though I'm right there I take it as a personal slur. When they won't eat my food I get offended. When DP spends ages tucking them in and I'm only alowed a quick goodnight and a kiss on the forehead I feel left out. I feel left out when he sends me to the shop as I feel he just wants me out of the house so he can be alone with them. I do give him time alone but I feel like I should be allowed that too. The relationship I have with them is also important as they spend time living here in OUR house, not my DP's. I can't seem to relax about it. We've been together for 2 years and I'm getting more uptight about it. We've talked about marriage and kids but then I start on the'well I suppose it doesn't matter as much to you. you've already been married/honeymoon/kids so it won't be as important to you' I think I'm right about that, but he doesn't.

Somebody please sort me out. I know I need to just relax but I need a shove in the right direction please.

[glasscompletelybroken]

I don't know where to start with this - you could be me. Had bad week this week and finally had proper talk with DH last night which helped but I don't think he'll ever understand how hard this is. Every time I walk in the room and DH is cuddled up on the sofa watching TV with his DD's it just hurts me so much that I'll never be truly a part of that - however hard I try. I feel like an outsider in my own home and like an add-on in this family. I need time for just us two much more than he does and I can't express that without it sounding like I don't want to spend time with his kids. I love how he is as a dad and I don't want to get in the way of that at all but I need to feel important too. I feel like I'm never really relaxed when his girls are here and I just wish I could get this right. I have seen lots of people posting on here saying how if you get involved with someone with kids you know what you're getting into - well you don't. Even if you think you do. I have had some major challenges in my life and this exceeds all of them put together.

[MK76]

I think it is the hardest thing i have ever done in my life. I have been with my husband a year now and we have the kids over every saturday. They are good kids but i don't want them there. I love that he is a good father and that he is doing his best but i still don't want them there. This makes me feel quilty and resentful.

The kids love me and always following me around the house but i am not ehir mum and i don't want to be. Someone on here said that we might like our stepkids and be fond of them but loving them might be a problem...they are not mine and will never be mine.

Dear steppingup, i know exactly how you feel and i feel for you but you have to try not to take things personally and don't try too hard. I just do my own thing and do my best by them but don't bend over backwards...take time for yourself.

If you can try and talk to your DP...it took me almost a year before i could talk to my husband about it. ised to think about how i feel all the time and tie myself up in knots. Its not easy still but better as he knows i am trying but its really really hard for me.

Just hang in there xxxx

[macadoodledoo]

You guys have phrased so much of how I have felt in the past - and I think/hope that I'm pretty much through the worst of it - hell of a journey though!

It's been hugely complicated but I think the crux of it for me has been finding my own unique place in the family - and that place being valued by me as well as DP and DSC. I'm slowly seeing that a fair proportion of the negative stuff has been created or perpetuated by....me! Crazy - but I've given myself such a damn hard time - and inflicted a lot of that on to DP.

So - my answer has been to reconcile with the fact that things are what they are, and that's not perfect sometimes - but my place in it all is damn well important and that I am good enough to be here/in it/doing it.

I really hope that you (OP) find a way to reconcile with your situation, talk through what you feel and need with your DP and, when things feel really bad, maybe a hug with him to remind you why you're in this situation in the first place, then a big glass of wine!?!

[Relly10]

I welled up reading this, so much of what I feel has been written.

Thank you SMs for being so honest and open and showing me that my feelings are not a reflection of how horrid I am but maybe, just maybe a bit ?normal?