this step mother is defective (almost endless - sorry)

[isithometimeyet]

The advice on here strikes me as firm but fair and would really appreciate some advice.

I am step mother (I guess) to a beautiful, clever 16 year old who has told me very clearly what she really thinks of me and I'm finding it hard to keep to the adult role in this situation. I've been living with her and her Dad for about 5 years, I've found it hard - I've no experience with kids and can be a moody cow to boot - but I've tried hard to do my best by her. Recently I've been aware all three of us have found it difficult to live with each other, partly my fault as my father is terminally ill and I'm heartbroken. I've always tried to give her confidence in herself, to give her attention and love but I admit sometimes I've been down and snappy. I make sure I apologise to her and tell her she's very important to me. I have to admit I'm also the one who does most of the discipline - she's not outrageous, just a typical teen, a bit lazy and self centred, and I think it's important to give her boundaries as well as love.

For a long while I've suspected that she doesn't feel that warm to me - she's always refused my offers to go out for shopping etc, and her friends are very off with me, but I put it down to paranoia. I know with what's happening with Dad I can be oversensitve and self obsessed myself.

Anyway, I'm clearly not doing a very good job because about a month ago I lost it a bit with her - she was on the computer for hours, as usual, it was getting late, I was feeling bad because we'd just had the news Dad doesn't have much time left - whatever, I shouted at her to get off. I shouldn't have, but I did. In the morning she went off to her mum's (she's half there and half here - not easy for her but we thought ok). The next day her Dad discovered by accident - she'd left her Twitter account open - pages and pages of vitriol about me. From the time, it's clear some of it was written even as we were having (what I thought) was a friendly nice conversation. We were gutted.
We confronted her - awful - she said it was just an instant reaction and not how she really thinks about me. But subsequent discussions, we realise this has been going on for months.
We talked to her mum - luckily she appreciates our feelings and is working with us. SD sent to grandparents for summer - to give us all space, and to give us time to focus on Dad. The plan is, she comes back in the Autumn with a new attitude.
The thing is, I'm not that shocked about the vitirol. I said awful things about my mum when I was her age. And some of the stuff - she was making fun of my efforts to help her get a job etc - I really get, because what is helpful and constructive advice to a 40 year old is just a pain in the ass interfering to a 16 year old.

I think what really unnerves me is that for a while she's been behaving to me as if we're ok, and all the while this is what she really thinks of me. I'm hurt and furious, but really I'm afraid, because if she really hates me this much, it must be hell for her as well as me. I'm dreading her coming back, because she's very good at behaving as she's expected, but I won't be able to trust her.

I think when she returns the best I can do is take the pressure off her. Say she doesn't have to like me, all she has to do is to respect me (and me her). But deep down I'm gutted she doesn't like me and wants to exclude me from her life. I want so much for us to be a family, for her to feel at home with me and want to be with me. Even more so with losing Dad. I feel our family is falling apart.

We got married last year, which probably didn't help:-) I tried to make her feel part of it all, made her my bridesmaid, told her she had to help me because I couldn't cope with her Dad on my own:-) but I've messed up because I am moody and shouty as well as loving and affectionate. I don't feel big enough for the job.

Thanks for getting this far :-)

[neverquitesure]

Poor you

However, from what you have said I would be inclined to believe her when she tells you this is not how she really thinks. Casting my mind back a little (oh ok - a lot!) I can remember it being very fashionable to bitch and moan about ones parents/step parents. It's a form of teenage oneupmanship - I have it so bad, no I have it worse kind of thing. Everyone joined in and, like your step daughter says, it was not at all representative of how we actually felt - just shallow teenage boasting.

I'm sure she never dreamed you'd find out and is probably mortified and embarrassed that you have.

[Tanso]

When I was her age and having problems with my mum (my attitude) the thing that really got me was when she said to me "I'm a person too, I have feelings"
It is the age where you start to realise your parents are not always right but often there is a gap before you then realise they also have feelings.
On one hand she may start to understand your distress about your father and on another she may realise that you can feel your own private hurt and sadness previously unseen by her teenage eyes.
When she comes back it might be a nice time to move on to an adult relationship with her. You can still be strict

[ladydeedy]

No matter how hurtful, she doesnt have to like you but you are right in that there needs to be respect. You are the adult. Try to remember that. She is the child. Dont try too hard (I smiled when you mentioned inviting her on shopping trips because I know I would have been mortified to be seen out with my own mother when I was that age!!).
And also, remember she is a teenager and going through all sorts of things at the moment, not least adjusting to the fact that you have married her dad. I would relax and regroup in the autumn and go into it trying to think positively. I think we've all been horrid about our parents at some stage so try (difficult as it must be) to sit back and not react. Imagine too how shocked and embarrassed she must have felt when what she felt she was writing in private, became known to you.
You sound like a very nice person - good luck!

[isithometimeyet]

Thanks everyone. Much appreciated.

Thinking about your replies, I think I've been expecting too much of her. Because she looks like a grown up, and (when it's going well) we chat like mates, I'm forgetting she's still a kid in many ways and can't be expected to be think like I do. And as you say, she didn't expect us to be reading it - in some ways I wish we hadn't for all our sakes.

As well I think I have to be really honest about the situation and accept we may never be close and that's neither of our faults, just the way it goes. I'm a softie and that's sad but I have to let go.

Anyway, thanks guys