Mumsnet Talk

Try to get it all out.
I read my the text on ds2s phone. I have an agreement with him whereby this can happen because he is AS and has been in serious danger before.
Turns out that all the talks about contraception we've had have gone out of the window, she's on the pill but won't take extra precautions and now she's late.
(Yes she's been on antibiotics and other medication).
Ds has just started A levels, is easily manipulated etc. After much shouting discussion, I agreed that they could still see one another but on sensible terms. Rang her Mum to try to talk sensibly and it's all my fault, I have invaded his privacy, there's nothing wrong with him, I should let them see each other every night if they choose. I apparently have a crap relationship with my son because he didn't tell me.
Aaaaaaaargghh my head is exploding.

What, you're annoyed with someone else's mum because your son won't use condoms? WTF?

YABU - you say you tried to be sensible but want to scream and shout. I appreciate you are upset but your post is ranty, if other mother picked up on this rage, she may have responded in kind. DC make mistakes and teenage DC are a mass of seething hormones who will make judgement errors, AS or not.

sorry can't understand what the problem is?

I can't imagine ringing my daughter's boyfriend's mum over something like this. I'd be dealing with her and her alone.

No, because girlfriends Mum won't listen and says it's up to her daughter whether she uses them or not. They are 16 and 17. Ds can't on essays because he's worried and according to her Mum it's all my fault because if I'd let them see each other every night, and do what they wanted to do, it wouldn't have happened. She told me I was a crap Mum. She doesn't understand the AS thing and she thinks I'm making it up and that they're both adults and we should leave them to get on with it.
Why should I leave him to fuck up his A levels?

All I wanted to do was put some sensible ground rules in place and stop having my parenting skills criticised by a 17 year old. I thought involving the other Mum was a good thing, you know, united front and all that.

She does sound daft. United front is a good idea but you can't unite with an idiot. No condoms ffs!?!

Frustrating though it might be, it's up to you to lay down the ground rules for your son. But I think discussing your son's sexual relationship with the mother of his girlfriend is way too involved.

Well if she is pregnant he is 50% responsible, she is taking the pill so she is covering herself. Other mum was probably embarrassed that you had had to read his texts to get this information as it seems that she already knew.

Really I don't see the point in 'stopping' them from seeing each other, how are you going to police that? And that risks pushing them closer and closer together. Calm down, don't shout. How will he ruin his A-levels?

Hmm, I think rather than speaking to them you would be better off reinforcing the contraception message with your son. Maybe put some condoms in his wallet.

He has AS. Can't do more than one thing at a time, so we put strategies into place, certain nights work, certain nights sports, certain nights girlfriend. The girlfriend complained she didn't like the condoms, instead of getting new ones, or different ones, whatever, the girlfriend decided and because he can't make decisions in real time, he did as he was told.

I think OP his saying that his SN impacts on his ability to look after himself re condom use...Donna have you thought about reposting in SN to get a more sympathetic response?

The mother is never going to understand your POV. Have you asked DS whether she has taken a pregnancy test? I reckon you're going to have to do everything via DS and reading his phone rather than going through the girlfriend's Mum, fwiw if it was my DD I would feel uncomfortable discussing sex life as over age of consent etc. Having said that I see your need to protect DS more than the average 17 yo.

If her dd is pg and she is taking the view that leaving them to it is a good idea, then I would be questioning her parenting skills. Taking the pill is no good if you are sick and don't use back up contraception, and as her mother she should be making her dd aware of that fact. 16 and 17 year olds are not adults and can't be treated as such, because you still have parental responsibility for them.
I remember, very clearly being 17 and I was by no means grown up.

All you can do is keep reinforcing to your child, the importance of condoms. He sounds worried, if he is unable to concentrate on his work. If this turns out to be a false alarm, perhaps he will be more careful having had a scare.

I'm sorry, I don't quite understand the whole situation.

You say you read your DS's texts by his agreement, yes? But the other mum thinks he didn't tell you about all this? Did your DS know you were going to read his texts or not?

I think you are BU to blame the girl and say she 'won't' take precautions unless you are very, very sure this is the case. How do you know? It just sounds a bit as if you think your DS couldn't be at fault here, and I don't really see how that is so?

to be fair, a lot of 17 year old boys would do as they were told in this situation, so they could continue to have sex with the person doing the telling.

I'm so sorry, I took ages writing that and it's been completely superseded. Ignore!

How well do you reckon this girl understands your DS's AS? It is worrying that, if she knows he can't easily make a decision, she'd make it for him ... I don't really follow why she'd choose to stay on the pill, but not use condoms. But then teenagers can be irrational - is she secretly hoping to get pregnant do you know? If so it really does need discussing.

It is hard for anyone to understand this if they don't have a teenager with AS - unfortunately (if he is anything like my son) you can tell him anything you like, warn him of any consequences, and he will not be able to look past the end of his nose.

I have had these types of conversations with other parents (about drugs not contraception), and have received similar comments - things like "there is nothing wrong with him" and "it is normal teenage behaviour" and "chill out and leave them alone". A 17 year old with AS will be even less capable of parenthood than a 17 year old without it.

The trouble (ime) with teenagers with AS is the obsessions. If in this case Dawndonna's son is obsessed with the gf it is near impossible to destract or persuade him to be in any way reasonable about it all.

You would think that the other mother would want her daughter to use condoms wouldn't you?

So because she is on the pill and doesn't want to use condoms she wants to get pregnant secretly? would you say the same thing to an adult on here? Probably not, is it just because she is a teen that she is an easy target?

I did read Ds's texts. We have an agreement that I can at any point, because he ended up in a very, very dangerous situation last year. He didn't know I was going to today, but he'd left it on the kitchen table and gone to school, not something he normally does, so I thought that he'd done it for me to have a look because he couldn't work out how to tell me he was worried.
No, in this case, he's not at fault. Sorry, but he has AS. He doesn't lie. We bought him condoms and encouraged him to get some from family planning at the doctors. His 27 year old brother gave him a talk, as have we. We're a very open family and have always discussed things without embarassment.

I think, ranting at some woman, whose 16yo daughter may well be pregnant by your son, is quite possibly NOT the best way to deal with this.

I wonder if the other mother knows the full story, maryz.

Could it be her DD is not really aware of the full risks of trying to use the pill alongside antibiotics as contraception?

I think NT teenagers can be much, much less aware of these things that they should be given the sex ed they get. I know I had been taught this stuff but it hadn't really sunk in in real terms.

Has it occurred to you to get him std tested? Sorry to add to the worry

Oh OP that makes total sense he is 100% unable to lie to you, so it must be this young harletts fault

I understand where you are coming from.

I can't believe someone has just posted that 'she is on the pill so she covered herself' What the actual fuck??

My ds has AS too, and I can imagine him being easily led when he is older, especially when the end result is something he wants. ie - sex.

This other Mother sounds like an idiot, and a shit Mother if she is ok with her 16 yo dd having sex without condoms. She should be concentrating on being a Mum instead of trying to be her dd's best friend.

16yo's shouldn't have preferences about condoms/no condoms. They should know no different at that age! Your ds didn't tell you because he knew you wouldn't be happy about it, not because you have a crap relationship.

I feel for you OP, lets hope it's a false alarm and that these teenage children learn their lesson.