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Mumsnet/KIDS support session on challenging behaviour: Thursday September 20, 9pm

(122 Posts)
RowanMumsnet (MNHQ) Mon 17-Sep-12 10:01:09

Hello there,

We're pleased to announce that the third support session with members of KIDS staff will be held on Thursday September 20 between 9pm amd 10pm (in the hope that this will avoid most kids' bed-times!). The topic will be challenging behaviour. (You can see the first session here and the second session here.)

KIDS is a national charity working with disabled children, young people and their families across England. The KIDS representative at this session will be Kim Steele (KIDS Development Coordinator for the south-east).

The idea of these support sessions is to complement the advice and support that Special Needs posters already give each other with the insight and experience of people working for an organisation in the field. We hope that the session will pull together perspectives and advice from MNers and from KIDS staff, and that the thread will serve as a reference point for posters looking for advice about behaviour.

It would be great to have as many of you as possible join us 'live' on Thursday evening, but if you can't make it, please also post up any advance questions for here.

We'd really appreciate your feedback on these sessions, so if you can find the time to fill in a survey after the session, that would be great - it's open to lurkers as well as posters - to everyone who has seen the thread.


LateDeveloper Thu 20-Sep-12 22:27:30


KimSteele Thu 20-Sep-12 22:30:19

Unfortunatly the live chat has come to an end but we will try and respond to as many as the posts as we can over the next couple of days. Thank you for having us, we have had a lot of responses and we wish we could have answered all of your questions and in more depth. Thank you and goodnight

HotheadPaisan Thu 20-Sep-12 22:30:23

For me every change is a long, slow process, all small steps, all rewarded along the way with the setbacks ignored or forgotten. There is no quick fix to any of it.

But I have had to compromise as much as DS1, we are not going to get there without us both pulling in the same direction.

We've had to break things down into small steps, accept when we've pushed it too far and back off, and reward every step in the right direction.

It's not easy and we've lost our tempers and been desperate at times but he can only go at his own pace and that is enough. Piling on the pressure just makes it worse, he gets stuck and then we're right back to the beginning.

We've also learnt to really listen to him, he doesn't like shoes and socks so he goes to school in crocs, we battled over this for so long, it was awful. Completely pointless.

beautifulgirls Thu 20-Sep-12 22:32:36

Thank you for the feedback

cornzy Thu 20-Sep-12 22:33:18

thank you this has been a very interesting web chat smile

HotheadPaisan Thu 20-Sep-12 22:33:35

For positively saying no I use wishes as fantasy, it worked a treat when he was younger, not so well now. Options work better or, well we could do x but then y would happen and we couldn't do z, he accepts that better than a 'no'.

mariamma Thu 20-Sep-12 22:35:29

Thank you Kim. And thanks Star as well

Thank you

RowanMumsnet (MNHQ) Thu 20-Sep-12 22:39:54

Thanks very much to Kim and Heather, and to everyone who took part - we'll post up any follow-up answers over the next few days.

Sorry to push our link again but we'd be grateful for any responses to our feedback survey!


PipinJo Fri 21-Sep-12 00:44:26

Thanks MNHQ Rowan. Sorry I missed it Kim, very interesting discussions and good stuff being done and ideas, thanks!

and I didn't find out what you do when motivation, incentives, praise, redirection, rewards, de-escalation, social stories etc etc don't work!

Thanks anyway.

StillSquiffy Fri 21-Sep-12 10:53:51

As an aside to this, does anyone have any recommendations for books that might be useful for children who demonstrate challenging behaviour but who are not (or probably not) on the autistic spectrum? EG children like the one Colditz has described on here already?

My DD flies into the most extreme rages over nothing, completely unable to control herself in some situations (has been likened by one of my friends to the girl in the Exorcist.....), but who aside from this is delightful, funny, sociable and doing very well at school (and is also clever enough to be very manipulative even at 6). None of the usual advice has worked to date, boundaries are firm, rewards and punishments are clearly understood (and followed through), and yet still it carries on, just as it has done from infancy (she had the same rages as a baby and as a toddler). The triggers are: not getting her way/being instructed to do something/being unable to do something.

I'm a bit stumped because she falls well beyond normal strong-willed behaviour but I haven't yet found any good recommendations for dealing with this (have spoken to two Ed Psychs but her behaviour is atypical, so they weren't really able to recommend anything other than keeping up with consistency on my part).

StillSquiffy Fri 21-Sep-12 10:55:08

devientenigma - you've just summed it up far simpler than I did! That's exaclty it - what can you do?

HotheadPaisan Fri 21-Sep-12 11:37:27

PDA strategies can work well for all - lots of info out there on PDA. Also, I found this the other day and thought it was really good:

The principles and strategies are good even if the reasons underlying the behaviour aren't anxiety, ASD or SPD.

HotheadPaisan Fri 21-Sep-12 11:39:16

For situations where nothing is working I think you can only get a break. Also, we've had a behaviour specialist come in and observe a couple of time which was useful, again not a lot of the ideas worked but at least it gave us another perspective and a chance to have a re-think.

yes but PDA strategies down't work most times too.

sorry hothead I was a bit impulsive.......what happens when you can't get a break?

DS is 2:1 care 24/7 and doesn't access school etc.

HotheadPaisan Fri 21-Sep-12 18:23:33

I guess you'd have to consider residential at some point. Medication, I don't know. There aren't answers sometimes. What do you think could or should happen?

justaboutiswarm Fri 21-Sep-12 21:34:44

Truthfully, devientenigma, I think you are going to end up going the residential route, whether you do it now or in ten years time. I think that hte health issues are major enough that you need to be very careful how you arrange such a setting, and actually you have a better chance of his health needs being met if you get it into a statement before he is too old to get one, then if he is in the adult system.
So as I've said before I think you might want to consider residential - espeically as nothing is working for him at home, as you say, so it is not as if you have a compliant happy child already.
But I respect the fact that at the moment it's a route you have ruled out. Beyond that, though, I don't think there ARE any answers to your situation, and that's why people do keep suggesting residential to you.

ouryve Fri 21-Sep-12 21:40:50

StillSquiffy - the explosive child is a useful book. Rather than trite 123 magic type stuff, it focuses on prevention and de-escalation - and having realistic expectations about what a child can cope with. (Something DH really struggles with sometimes when the kids are tag-teaming)

justaboutiswarm Fri 21-Sep-12 22:48:29

Yes, I like the explosive child too.

speechlessmum Sat 22-Sep-12 19:21:31

Thanks for recommendation...I have read that book cover to cover...

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