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Support thread for women who suspect or know they have ASD traits or are on the spectrum

(991 Posts)
OxfordBags Mon 03-Feb-14 20:49:10

Hello, all! As the title says, I hope this can be a support thread for those of us who suspect or know we have some (or many) Aspergic traits; where we can share experiences, stories, problems, worries, knowledge and info, and hopefully benefit and help each other too.

I found a great link a while ago that is very comprehensive in its description of how Asperger's presents in women and how women experience it. Some of it is strikingly different from the male model and how most people perceive Asperger's. Here: ASD in women

I truly believe two things: 1) that ASD in females is woefully misunderstood and under-diagnosed and 2) that our current understanding and the definition of the AS Spectrum is, in itself, rather ASD in its rigidity, and that there is an actual spectrum of traits much broader and more nuanced than the current model, and that there are a hell of a lot of people struggling with some very typical ASD traits, who nevertheless do not have all the traits required to fulfil a formal diagnosis of having Asperger's or High-Functioning Autism.

So, with that rather typically ASD-style long-winded and unnecessarily detailed intro out of the way, let's chat!

Thanks for starting this thread. I've spent today with a difficult to describe feeling. Unsettled and sad?

If I can ask for what I'd really like from this thread, it would be to compare experiences with others. Reading the various information that's available on female aspergers traits seems to be bringing up quite a few bad memories. My problem is that either I am a self-indulgent person with poor social skills who would like to validate a feeling of 'difference' that is actually not really very different or special. Or I am a person who has always had aspergers but who has developed very good coping strategies.

So talking about the female profile and recalling past experiences would be very helpful. As would 'tough love' if it's needed smile. Happy to listen to whatever others need someone to listen to.

Meglet Mon 03-Feb-14 21:15:25

That'll be me then smile. In short, it only became clear I had ASD tendencies when I was in my late 20's. 10yrs on my sister is working in mental health and pushed for me to get an assessment.

However, the woman doing it was hopeless and not geared up to recognise ASD in grown women. I could tick all the boxes and scored high on paper, and was text-book ASD as a girl and teen. But she said she couldn't give me a diagnosis as an adult because I was capable of making eye contact / hand gesture etc. And she helpfully told me I have severe anxiety and depression...(No shit sherlock).... Which are textbook signs of hiding my ASD all these years <head desk>.

Anyway, I've been given the details of a female friendly ASD unit in southampton so I should be seeing them eventually.

PolterGoose Mon 03-Feb-14 21:18:43

Hello smile I have a 10yo ds with AS and all that reading made me think about myself, I score 45 on the AQ. I've seen occupational health at work who advised me to see my GP for referral, but here you get triaged through the mental health team and I know I don't have significant enough difficulties (to them) to warrant assessment. I may go private at some stage. The OH doctor was amazing and her report and recommendations referred to the Equality Act and that she felt my needs required reasonable adjustments.

I disagree with Oxford's point 2, the diagnostic criteria should not be broader, I already struggle with people's perceptions of AS as mild autism, enabling people with 'some traits' to get a dx would not be a good thing at all.

PolterGoose that puts my score of 39 into perspective! I've never "known" anyone get higher than that smile.

I think the 'significant enough' difficulties is the crux of the problem, isn't it? People get to adulthood having developed sufficient coping strategies to, well, cope. So they are considered to be coping. But coping is hard work.

OxfordBags Mon 03-Feb-14 21:30:23

Hurray, people are here!

Polter, I don't think I explained my point very well, I think the criteria of what ASD constitutes is very broad, I just mean that there's this rigid 'you either have it or you don't' attitude going on, as though there is only ASD which fulfills all or most diagnostic criteria OR there's totally NT - and this thread is for women who know that that is just not the case. I think there should be some sort of extra diagnosis that recognises that some people have some Aspergic traits, and struggle with the problems and issues involved with them (and require the same help for them), as people who are fully on the spectrum.

I suppose the question is that if the diagnostic criteria should be kept stringent, where does that leave someone who knows that they struggle with a portion of what would constitute a diagnosis?

OxfordBags Mon 03-Feb-14 21:38:15

As I said on that other thread, I score highly for all aspects of ASD except I have a higher than average for NT score for Theory of Mind and empathy. So I cannot be diagnosed as having ASD, as these are essential criteria, even though the people who I saw said that I sored higher on many of the criteria than people with an official diagnosis. So I am 'officially' NT... except I am quite clearly not. This is where the diagnosis process fails people and is patently not broad enough.

The more research I do, the more it becomes very obvious that the diagnostic criteria totally fail most women. The people I saw also said that many ASD women are actually pretty empathic and sensitive, but they have to stick to the male model of criteria, which states that you can't have ASD if you have adequate or even good empathy. They found the limitations frustrating also, and knew that they were having to give women a flawed diagnosis as a result.

OxfordBags Mon 03-Feb-14 21:39:24

Should read 'give some women a flawed diagnosis'.

Do you have links that can explain how theory of mind and empathy etc are assessed?

If you asked me based on the dictionary definitions of those terms, I'd say I am not empathetic in the sense of finding it easy to put myself in someone else's shoes and feel what they might be feeling. But I do understand that other people react to things with feelings and I can make a reasonable assessment of what that feeling might be, using logic. I think I quite often get it wrong though, and I never seem to be able to do it actually in the moment of the social situation. Only afterwards, I think oh, perhaps x felt this way, that's why they did y.

PolterGoose Mon 03-Feb-14 21:42:41

For me Oxford, and I do get where you're coming from, that's just a bit too close to <head tilt> "well, we are all on the spectrum" which I have huge issues with.

What needs addressing is a proper exploration of how women in particular have developed coping skills and cognitive strategies to 'pass as NT', so it's not that we're not on the spectrum because we mask well (or not so well wink) it's that we need diagnosticians who are skilled in the nuance and see beyond the superficial. It's a huge struggle with getting children dx'ed too, and not just girls, when parents make huge efforts to enable their children to cope with social demands which then bites them on the arse when professionals don't see beyond eg learned eye contact or whatever.

PolterGoose Mon 03-Feb-14 21:46:02

But theory of mind and empathy are not part of the formal diagnostic criteria are they? And both are contentious theoretically.

People with autism don't lack empathy, that's a huge myth.

There's some good critical stuff about on Baron-Cohen's ToM stuff too, many people with dx ASD dispute his proposition.

Polter do you mind me asking what reasonable adjustments your OH doctor thought might help? I ask because I too have been referred to OH about an issue that could well be explained by as (if I am right in my assumption that I might have this condition).

But I've been wondering whether it's worth pursuing anything official, whether there would actually be anything they could do. Work already supported me with a bullying problem (well sort of, they didn't say go away it's probably six of one… anyway) and are being reasonably tolerant of my struggles since.

…But, with reading and learning about the traits, perhaps that's enough to make my own reasonable adjustments?

Hence my asking.

autumnsmum Mon 03-Feb-14 21:48:06

Great thread and please don't be offended not all girls learn sociability my dd who is four and attends a specialist autism school hasn't . I don't want to use the phrase severe autism for her because I wouldn't want to define that but I think for a girl she presents obviously sorry for hijack

PolterGoose Mon 03-Feb-14 21:50:40

Good blog critiquing ToM

Another good blog explaining the spectrum, but some really good other posts on there too.

Hi. I know i have asd traits. I scored 35 on the AQ when I did it. Since looking into ds and leading up to his diagnosis it really wouldn't surprise me if I did have asd too!

PolterGoose Mon 03-Feb-14 21:55:15

Buffy if I said the adjustments it would be very identifying. I'll PM you.

Well said autumn an important point. At the end of the day autism is autism, there isn't a male or female variant, just a range of different presentations. It doesn't do anyone any favours to say boys/men present like this and girls/women present like that.

Borka Mon 03-Feb-14 22:16:07

There's also the Broader Autism Phenotype, which refers to people who have autistic-type traits but to a much lesser degree than people who actually have ASD.

I think it's mainly been looked at in terms of family members of those who have autism, but it ties in with some of what you're saying, Oxford

This explains the connection between ASD and BAP quite well.

OxfordBags Mon 03-Feb-14 22:23:15

I don't agree with all of that, Polter. Many women with ASD do present very differently from men, even though the reasons for that in many areas might be due to societal gender conditioning, as opposed to something actually innate. Women on the spectrum do present certain things in very different ways to men, and also has aspects that men don't, and vice versa. All the experts on ASD talk about how the diagnostic criteria lets women down. There isn't a variant for the sexes, and it is all a range of different presentations, yes, I agree there, BUT when it comes to diagnosing, and therfore getting help and understanding oneself better, and all that jazz, a very specific model is used that does not represent all the features, presentations, issues, etc., that all people, male or female, on the spectrum experience. This is the problem. If the criteria truly reflected all the presentations and aspects, then I would be v happy to not use male and female models to describe things.

I am very anti 'men are X, women are Y' type thinking, btw, this is not me coming from a position of rigid and conservative opinions on gender.

OxfordBags Mon 03-Feb-14 22:31:58

Borka, that's interesting stuff. To throw some more ideas into the mix, I am currently in therapy, and have discussed my ASD traits and experience with testing with my therapist. She made the very astute point that, having a father sho is pretty obviously on the spectrum, as well as having an officially diagnosed brother, I grew up with ASD traits being a totally normal way to be, feel, react, think, etc. (I mean 'normal' as in habitual, not a superior thing to ASD), AND I had to develop very b&w ways of explaining myself, acting, communicating, etc., etc., on order to desl eith them snd get througn to them, so are some of my traits truly neurological in origin, or things I developed in order to cope with my family, as a child? In other words, could some people have some sort of 'pseudo-ASD' due to certain circumstances? What would they be like in any situation, or what wascreated by certain issues and experiences, etc.?

OxfordBags Mon 03-Feb-14 22:35:44

Autumn, I have made it clear that I am referring to how some females present, not all. My female cousin, who has been diagnosed as having Asperger's is very obvious, and pretty stereotypical (ie, the way a writer would create an ASD character for a tv show based on the most common ideas about ASD).

PolterGoose Mon 03-Feb-14 22:35:47

I don't think I disagree with you Oxford smile and certainly, gender crap makes a huge difference, but I do think boys/men with more subtle presentations get missed in exactly the same way. Like I tried to say above (21.42) many diagnosticians do miss the subtle, hidden stuff, they do need better awareness and knowledge.

PolterGoose Mon 03-Feb-14 22:47:57

I forgot to say thank you to Oxford for starting this thread flowers

OxfordBags Tue 04-Feb-14 00:10:17

Thank you, and I do agree that many boys and men get the wrong diagnosis too. It's why I think there should be some sort of sub-classifications. I don't like all that 'we're all on the spectrum' stuff either, but there's a lot of people, male and female, who could be helped, even if that means that they stop believing they are a loser or a weirdo or whatever, if they knew that they had some as ASD traits, and the implications of that. Or perhaps it just needs to be more widely understood that some people do have ASD traits but aren't fully categorised as on the spectrum.

I wish I had known at a younger age that my very eccentric way of speaking, full of jokes, daft accents, pop culture references, and strange asides, and also the way in which I can't stop myself taking on the words, mannerisms and so on, of whoever I'm talking to (I'm totally one of those people who starts speaking with a French accent if I talk to a French person!), which annoys a lot of people, is actually what's known as Social Echolalia, and not me just being some sort of weirdo, as far too many people have called me for it.

HanSolo Tue 04-Feb-14 00:27:44

<Shuffles in and says 'Hullo'>
I probably have AS. I score 44-47 on the baron-cohen test, dependent on how honest I'm being.
I only came to see this when we started to investigate my eldest's issues.

However, I had a rather abusive traumatic childhood, and I am wondering how many of these traits could be put down to BPD (borderline personality, not bi-polar) and PTSD rather than AS?
I think for me, even though a formal diagnosis could be very helpful, and foster understanding it would be extremely difficult for a professional to unpick which parts are developmental disorder and which parts are mental/emotional health disorder. I also do not think I could survive the trauma of unpacking my past from its box.

WinterBranches Tue 04-Feb-14 00:48:29

OxfordBags your way of speaking sounds like me when I was younger and less aware of my ability to self-censor!

Many years I was intrigued by Asperger's being an explanation for some of my Father's passivity and his strong discomfort in groups of people, but the descriptions of lack of empathy just didn't ring true. He was a kind and a good judge of people.

As for myself, I was rather a mini-professor type as a child and socially terrified but I decided some of my family were just high-strung types. However in the next generation there has been a severely autistic child within the wider family and some more quirky kids.

I now see my Father as being less affected than his sibling whom I thought was socially successful, despite being horrifically blunt! As for me I think I'm fine but my DH did say he felt that the character Saga on the Bridge was a bit like me. He was joking - but the central roles were a cartoonish reflection of our differing styles.

Have spotted Borka's link. Thanks Oxford for an interesting thread.

RafaIsTheKingOfClay Tue 04-Feb-14 01:31:50

Thanks for this thread, Oxford.

Hans that is interesting about unpicking the mental health/developmental disorder issues. I've spent the last 10 years, since I was 21 with chronic recurrent, treatment resistant depression. Often severe enough to stop me functioning. Not unusual in my family, several of my family members have similar. I also know that it's not that uncommon in undiagnosed women with autism.

My own autistic traits aside, I can't help feeling that something else is going on besides 'depression'. Whether in my case that is an ASD or not I don't know. One of my family members has recently been 'rediagnosed' with bi-polar II disorder rather than recurrent depression. Their psychologist seems to think a number of our family members may have the same given our larger family history.

I'd like to sit with a psychologist and try and pick apart what might be going on and which bits of my issues come from where. I can't really see that happening though given the state of MH services round here.

HanSolo Tue 04-Feb-14 01:50:25

Hi rafa. I had chronic depression for about 15 years, from age 16 or so. All my family (unsurprisingly) have MH issues. My mother and sister have bi-polar diagnoses, but I'm pretty certain they both have AS too tbh. Every single member of my immediate family has made numerous, repeated suicide attempts; I'm sure there's an aphorism about Darwinism somewhere in there!

Jacksterbear Tue 04-Feb-14 12:41:23

Hello. I started to question my own "profile" recently in the context of trying to understand my DS (particularly after being given conflicting opinions re ASD, and the view of the person who did dx him that his presentation was in some ways "subtle", not immediately apparent, and that similar ASD presentations were often found in girls).

A lot of what I've read about women and ASD jumps out at me as describing me. I think I have lots of sensory issues and I know I have huge amounts of social anxiety (eg obsessively replaying things I've said in my mind to try to see whether I've said the wrong thing / offended someone / embarrassed myself), find it hard to cope with demands, unexpected events and transitions, am terrified of criticism and confrontation, am very black and white and inflexible in my thinking. I have also suffered from depression on and off for years.

However I cope ok with life and am sure that to everyone in the outside world I seem completely "normal". The trouble is I now feel as though I've lost faith slightly in my own ability to see what is "typical" and what isn't! What if my "normal" is everyone else's "atypical"?!

Does anyone have a link to the tests one can take that have been referred to up thread?

Jacksterbear Tue 04-Feb-14 12:48:10

Ok ignore that last request - I found the test and scored 28 - not that high, right?

Grockle Tue 04-Feb-14 12:59:06

AQ test here

There is one on the channel 4 website too but I think it's the same.

I think 32 is the score for Aspergers?

I know I have some significant Aspergers traits but, generally, I function quite well. People say I'm quirky (like certain numbers - the volume must be on an even number or multiple of 5, socks must be in pairs, biscuits have to be eaten the right way up) and, although I don't like social situations, I can manage chit chat for a while. You learn to fit in as best you can. I've never thought to ask for an assessment because I don't know what the advantage would be?

Meglet - do you details of the place in Southampton? That's my neck of the woods.

Thank you for starting this thread.

WinterBranches Tue 04-Feb-14 13:22:57

I scored 32.

I have a lot of learned behaviour from my Mum which is sociable, I can brazen it out for short periods and when my children were small I could see the need to socialise for their sake. I grew up in a small community and learned the social rules there but I'm not good in other environments. I would describe myself as an intermittent social phobic. The person who did label me as odd in my childhood and teens was my Mum - then I learned how to edit myself and be acceptable to her.

I wouldn't say I was quirky but then I did tell my 8 year old this week that I really liked the number 75. I can only imagine my mother's face:hmm, I'm guessing.

wibbleweed Tue 04-Feb-14 13:44:51

Great to see this thread - can I join you?

Both my sons have been diagnosed with AS over the last 2 years and seeing what my eldest (almost 10) is going through at the moment and thinking back to my own childhood and how I am now has made me think I also have AS (oh yes, and my AQ is 44...).

I was always described as someone who 'doesn't mix', in fact, my parents sent me to boarding school to help with this. Not sure if it did - I was horrifically bullied, but also did very well academically (oxbridge, PhD etc) and somehow managed to survive. I always found socialising difficult - virtually impossible without huge amounts of alcohol, which more often than not ended up in some kind of 'spectacle' - as I wasn't able to stop. Now that I've got kids, and not much of a social life any more (due in part to their SN), I find it very difficult to go on a 'night out' - usually sit in a corner hoping it isn't long till hometime...I'm still able to chat to people on a one to one basis, but can go overboard and talk non-stop about random rubbish if it's not someone I know really well.

I've always had some quirky traits/abilities e.g. photographic memory for tube map (bit of a party trick that one...ahem...). And I hate people getting too close to me.

That's enough. Think you get the picture!


Grockle Tue 04-Feb-14 13:51:02

Winterbranches... 75 Is a good number wink

Mollyweasley Tue 04-Feb-14 18:42:28

Hi! Great thread. I was diagnosed privatly last year with AS and ADD following my son's diagnosis. I've been reading a lot for the last 2 years on ASD both general reading and on female with AS. I think the problem comes from the fact that Hans Aspergers did his research mainly on male. However female are naturally better at socialising than men so some of the items on the various questionnaires are going to be irrelevant. My understanding is that the main criteria for diagnosis is the triad of impairment: There should be an impairment in social interaction, social communication and social imagination (not creativity type imagination which we tend to be pretty proficient in).This can be used both for boys and girls but it needs a really experienced and trained eye to spot it in girls because we are so good at hiding it. I've kept the news of my diagnosis to my close friends (very little of them wink) and family and I think a lot of people would be really surprised if their knew but then would realise that it explains a lot of my social inconsistencies.
What makes it even harder to diagnosed is that what the psychologist has to see is what we don't see: I think I knew that something was not right but I didn't know what it was.
In a nutshell this is what I think: we just beat to a different drum but we try to fit in so hard. Because we tend to be clever we know something is not right which lead to the "what is wrong with me". I personally was completely unaware of my needs which lead to mini-breakdown all of my life and living with constant stress never daring to relax. Life is better after diagnosis at least I understand and I am learning to relax.

PolterGoose Tue 04-Feb-14 19:15:23

wibble that's interesting about the social thing, I look back on my teens and twenties, I used to go out a lot, drinking and recreational drugs, I was always the daring one, the 'bad influence'. It gave an appearance of sociability, it was all false though, I haven't been out socially except for having coffee with someone, since before ds was born, the idea of a night out just makes me queasy now.

And all those things that my mother used to mock, now I realise I have quite significant sensory difficulties, I wasn't being awkward or silly, I really do feel those things more.

School was awful, I never fitted. Didn't achieve. Didn't have a proper friend until I was 13 and don't have any RL close friends now. The only social contact I have outside of work is on here or with other MN SN board users (who are all lovely) I just cannot maintain friendships at all.

Bizarrely my job/profession requires me to carry an extremely diverse caseload and be adaptive and responsive to very varying needs, I've been praised lots for how well I do this confused and I get on well with colleagues, I guess I'm masking at work because it absolutely exhausts me, although I feel 'me' with my clients.

I am feeling quite maudlin today.

Grockle Tue 04-Feb-14 20:34:06

How do you find somewhere to diagnose you privately? And how much is am assessment likely to cost?

I function pretty well but it's exhausting.

PolterGoose Tue 04-Feb-14 21:12:12

Well I've had a very surprising day.

I have in the past mentioned my suspicion that I might have AS to my mum. She's a teacher, and has taught autistic children in the past. She was comparing me to a little boy who struggled so much with social interaction that he pretended to be a robot in order to cope sad and on the basis that I do not struggle anywhere near this much, was fairly dismissive of my concerns.

Fast forward to today and I was chatting to her about my work and said something about thinking my brain seeing things differently to most other people. She said that since I'd mentioned my worries about AS to her, she'd been thinking about herself and her brother (a noticeably socially awkward and inept person) and wouldn't be surprised if both she and he were also on the spectrum.

She identifies many of the same issues in herself as I do, things like the sensory overloads (especially with sounds), very high verbal and writing skills but extremely low facility with numbers, needing to study correct social behaviour and model it on others who are more successful…

<falls over>

Grockle Tue 04-Feb-14 22:24:54

What an insight, Buffy! DO you feel relieved?

I'm too scared to ask my family - I'm embarrassed. I know I'm socially inept & people think I'm rude (I really don't think I am - I try to speak nicely, be diplomatic but I think my tone or something must be wrong. I don't actually know but I go out of my way to not be rude & I seem to fail from time to time sad)

I've spent all night Googling private clinics/ drs but to no avail.

Actually, that's something that I can't do... I can't Google effectively. if it's one word, I'm fine but I often have to ask other people to Google for me because I just don't think the same way google expects me to so I cannot find information that other people can confused

Grockle I don't know really. Sometimes I think that having AS would explain lots of things that I experience now and I remember from the past (for example, I was telling DH about several times when I was younger of being in a purely social situation, no work or anything to discuss, realising there was an awkward silence and wanting to speak but… just... not being able to, despite wanting to say something, anything, so much). Other times I think that while many of the AS characteristics resonate, especially the female ones, I've coped OK with life thus far and feel a bit ashamed of thinking of myself as 'special' in my feelings of not really fitting in. blush.

But, I have deployed my google skills for you on the topic of private diagnosis. There seems to be mixed feelings about it, according to the info I found. The National Autistic Society says:

"Our position is that adults may benefit from a private diagnosis, especially where this is something they want to obtain to understand challenges or difficulties they may face or to help explore concerns they may have had through life.

However, beyond the financial implications, this is tempered for people who need to access important support services through social services and the NHS. The reality is that there isn't any guarantee that the NHS or social services would recognise a private diagnosis and for this reason we'd always encourage people to also explore diagnosis through the NHS."

I did also find some individual clinical psychologists with websites offering private diagnosis, but they were just random websites…

Hope that's helpful?

CrabbyWinterBottom Tue 04-Feb-14 23:38:11

Hello, just marking my place to come back and have a proper read tomorrow. Since DD was disguised with AS I've realised more and more how many traits i have too. If I'm not on the spectrum then I'm certainly near to it, I think.

Mollyweasley Wed 05-Feb-14 10:30:18

Grockle The private assessment cost me £950. I researched it and believe it is a good price. It is very hard to find a good psychologist. I would make sure he/she is a registered chartered psychologist try using this www.bps.org.uk/bpslegacy/dcp and that he/she has diagnosed women on the spectrum in the past (word of mouth is better but not always possible). I also think that the Autism Research Centre in Cambridge take referral from GPs and run an assessment on adults for free. The Lorna Wing centre I think also take referral from GPs. If I had to do this again and didn't know where to start I would contact the Lorna Wing centre and explain the situation to them.

I too function very well but find social situation very exhausting. The other day I had a 2 sentences conversation with somebody at the school gate. It took me till lunch time to stop worrying about what I had said. By then I was exhausted. It is the constant thinking that I find exhausting.

I found this academic paper, which I thought might be of interest?

In the discussion section, it says:

"The RAADS-R was designed to assist clinicians in diagnosing adults (18+) with suspected ASD. It is designed to be administered by clinicians in a clinical setting. It is not intended to be a mail in or an online screening instrument. The questions are designed for individuals with average IQ and above. This is a population with mild or subclinical ASD. These individuals often escape diagnosis."


"a RAADS-R score of 65 or higher is consistent with a diagnosis of ASD"

I answered the questionnaire in the appendix and using the scoring, calculated my score at 142. Would be interested to hear if anyone else has heard of or used this test?

PolterGoose Thu 06-Feb-14 17:16:02


PolterGoose Thu 06-Feb-14 17:17:07

I've never heard of that test, and it would help to see more research on it, but it might be a useful one to take to a GP when requesting referral for assessment maybe?

One of the authors is supervising the PhD of the blogger to whom the OP linked.

From what I can tell (and it's not anywhere near my discipline, let alone my area of expertise) it is a relatively new instrument designed for clinicians to detect AS / ASD in adults. The first few paragraphs of the paper I link below make this clear.

This looks to be the first paper published about it, in 2008.

Polter the relationship between our two scores on this test would make sense, given my 39 and your 45 on the AQT. I'm thinking the two tests tell a similar story...

HoleySocksBatman Thu 06-Feb-14 20:35:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RafaIsTheKingOfClay Thu 06-Feb-14 20:58:38

112. has been ages since the last time I took the AQ test but I think I score about 35/36 on that.

Looking at the statements for that and the AQ test does actually help me pinpoint where my issues lie. Which does help a lot.

I have had some typical 'me' issues with the scoring and filling it out though. There's a couple of questions with 'I always' in them. It's not true that I 'always' do them, I do sometimes or often do them. But it's not true that I never do them either. For some reason this bothers me. I scored them as 0 for 'never done' because it's true that nether as an adult or a child have I 'always' done those things.

I got 140.5 on that one. Everything was highlighted! I've never done an eq.

In the last couple of days I've noticed something about myself with regards to eye contact. I think I make eye contact a normal amount, I don't find it uncomfortable to do so… unless someone is saying something about me that is positive. When someone does this (as two people have been kind enough to do in the last two days) then I instinctively look away. Being sensitised to ASD issues, I realised what was happening and tried to make eye contact but it was excruciatingly uncomfortable to do so.

Has anyone else found anything similar wrt eye contact? That you can learn to do it, but in situations that are emotional, the learned behaviour disappears?

NowRising Fri 07-Feb-14 16:42:34

I can't work out what the score means on that test - I got 135, I think but I found it very hard to keep track. I score highly on the other one

NowRising Fri 07-Feb-14 16:44:08

Buffy - I do that! I CANNOT look at someone when they say something nice to me. People comment on it. I put it down to shyness but it makes me squirm and I look at the floor or turn away. I appreciate that it appears silly or rude but I just can't do it.

Yes it's the classic "shy" looking at the floor thing, isn't it? Because I am hyper aware of things like that at the moment anyway, I noticed myself doing it and tried to make eye contact while they said the nice things. All I could manage were peeks before I had to look away. They weren't even saying things that were that effusive, just basic 'you handled that well' stuff.

With the quiz, it isn't very user friendly, is it. You need to work out the scoring system according to the paper. I could probably make it into an excel spreadsheet that calculates the scores, but it's not meant to be self-administered anyway. It caught my eye because it's for adult diagnosis, rather than child.

HoleySocksBatman Fri 07-Feb-14 17:47:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Does this make you our leader, Batman? grin

HoleySocksBatman Fri 07-Feb-14 17:54:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HoleySocksBatman Fri 07-Feb-14 17:57:34

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HoleySocksBatman Fri 07-Feb-14 18:53:46

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Thanks for the online test, that's much easier. Either I've answered some questions differently or made a mistake in the scoring, because my score on that one was 152.

HoleySocksBatman Fri 07-Feb-14 19:30:37

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I just scored 27 on the eq. Apparently I am lacking a lot in that area!

HoleySocksBatman Fri 07-Feb-14 19:49:57

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11. Eleven. Christ. That's really low isn't it. I wonder if I made a mistake

And I strongly disagreed with the cutting up of worms and everything. shock

HoleySocksBatman Fri 07-Feb-14 20:20:01

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I have no idea what the scores mean anyway!

I am considering it seriously batman.

Can I ask the others on this thread, if you really try and 'read' other people, like the questions on this test imply, you know, is someone uncomfortable, wanting to join a conversation etc, when you try and read them... Can you?

Because I tried this week at a conference. Loads of people, all interacting. I could see smiles, but otherwise they were blank. The phrase that popped into my mind at the time was they were like wooden dolls sad

Jacksterbear Fri 07-Feb-14 20:28:43

124 on the RAADS test (with 39 for sensory which is high compared to overall score). So, like the other test, that puts me in a bit of a no-man's land between NT and ASD!

Agree with comments up thread that the "we're all in the spectrum" view isn't helpful, but also think that's different from saying that there are people, like me I think, who would not meet the diagnostic criteria for ASD but are closer to it than most average NT people... If that makes sense? Think it would help me understand myself better this way than the "shy/quiet/geeky" labels I grew up with! (Ok geeky is actually true grin but I'm realising I'm not actually that shy or quiet, just anxious and a bit awkward!)

Re eye contact, yes to the compliments thing. Also find it much harder to make eye contact while I'm talking than when the other person is talking - think I feel more self conscious then. Just remembered that a recurring appraisal theme in the job I used to do (teaching post-grads) was need to work on eye contact with students when presenting!

HoleySocksBatman Fri 07-Feb-14 20:36:21

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Oh no, that sounds awful. I mean even with no details it sounds awful.

I, too, have been motivated to look into diagnosis because of an unpleasant experience. In my case, bullying by a senior colleague. Though they wouldn't call it that, their last communication said it was clearly my fault because I have "issues". sad

The reading people thing, I always wondered if I thought I couldn't because social interaction happens to fast I didn't notice myself noticing. But when I try, unless a smile or massive frown, they're wooden dolls. Plastic people.

HoleySocksBatman Fri 07-Feb-14 20:45:23

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HoleySocksBatman Fri 07-Feb-14 20:47:04

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KinkyDorito Fri 07-Feb-14 20:47:36

I score 40 on that test.


I have no diagnosis, but I am pretty convinced I am on the spectrum. My DD was diagnosed as Aspie at 11. DH is certain I am! He sees more of the things I have difficulty with then I realise myself, iykwim.

I cope with many things better than DD but I think I've learned to. I'm very highly strung and struggle with many things in my day to day life. I also remember things from growing up that I found hard - like making eye contact used to send shooting pains into my head and it hurt to look someone in the eye.

I wonder about going for a DX...

HoleySocksBatman Fri 07-Feb-14 20:49:00

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NowRising Fri 07-Feb-14 20:55:29

Having done the online RAADs one, I got 186 shock

HoleySocksBatman Fri 07-Feb-14 20:57:39

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KinkyDorito Fri 07-Feb-14 21:03:49

148 on RAADS.

Can't decide if I am or I aren't! grin

NowRising Fri 07-Feb-14 21:05:30


I can't be THAT bad! I mean, I am well aware that I have issues but, crikey!

DS is going for a sleepover tomorrow night and my friend said 'Go out! Have fun!' but I will stay at home and go to bed by myself like I do every night. Because I'd rather do that than go out. But I feel like I should make something more exciting up. I can never be bothered to lie though because it's too much effort to remember what I said. I'm a crap liar.

89 on the SQ though.

RafaIsTheKingOfClay Fri 07-Feb-14 21:29:54

grin at new champion.

104 on the online RAADS. But I'm above threshold in every section.

AQ on that site 37 and EQ 31.

The 31 for Eq does seem to be lower than the average for people with ASD or suspected ASD but is much lower than the average score for NT females. I always seem to come out around average on AQ,but it seems to be quite 'spikey' IYSWIM. There are bits that I seem to do very well, but then lots of bits where I'm completely hopeless.

RafaIsTheKingOfClay Fri 07-Feb-14 21:45:47

53 on SQ which is surprisingly low I think. Particularly given my tendency to create spreadsheets of info about properties of things. Suspect that's been badly affected by a tendency to complete disorganisation.

When I am work it's fine, to the point of obsession. At home it seems to fall apart completely and I'm incapable of organising anything, or myself.

PolterGoose Fri 07-Feb-14 22:12:01

Rafa I am completely organised at work, a mess at home confused

I've just done these of the online tests:

AQ 46
SQ 65
EQ 16

HoleySocksBatman Sat 08-Feb-14 10:59:34

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If you can find a subject that suits you batman, study would be brilliant. I am a university academic and I think a lot of my traits actually help me in my research.

I just did the aq on that site and got 43, AQ10 score of 9. I really tried to answer the questions honestly, choosing the slightly rather than strongly if I wasn't sure. I wonder if the score has gone up because I've learned more about myself by accepting the strong possibility of being aspie? Or whether I am answering the questions a bit differently because I am more confident in my self assessment? You'd assume that the scores would be similar each time... Last time I did it I got 39, only a couple of weeks ago. confused

VelmaD Sat 08-Feb-14 11:25:12

My seven year old son was diagnosed with ASD a couple of years back, Aspergers style.

That diagnosis has made both me, and my mum, think we both have it. We've done on screen tests and both come out as ASD, we have all the traits of Aspergers. But neither of us (at 31 and 53!) know whether to do anything more or not.

two previous jobs my nickname was along the lines of rainman. So others notice me too.

I work in a school and to me its obvious. But im not sure if i want any formal fight or diagnosis - im getting my degree in the hope to teach (maths!) and i dont want it to be a barrier?

Sorry, jumped in without reading the whole thread, but i will :-)

HoleySocksBatman Sat 08-Feb-14 12:10:19

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96 on the online RAADS test, and every section is above the thresholds. I've often felt I have traits - like, I can read something one of you writes about your DC on here and think "Oh, I do that."

Things like: I'm sensitive to certain textures on my skin, sensitive to loud noises, can feel "overloaded" sometimes, especially in busy places. I spin around a lot when I'm on my own (I like the sensation) and prefer being alone most of the time.

Never enough to make me think I needed to investigate further, but enough to make me aware that in some ways, I'm not like my peers, IYSWIM? I just see it as me being me.

The facial expressions test is very unnerving. I am watching the facial expression without looking first at the choices. My idea of what the expression means is often not even one of the choices there! So I am having to choose the closest fit to what the expression says to me using my knowledge of what the words mean. This test seems methodologically flawed to me confused. I also wonder to what extent we've all learned to interpret these expressions as a conscious survival technique...

Also it keeps using words like 'vibrant'. Well that's not an emotion, is it? It's an adjective. So I think 'happy face' and the only positive sounding word is 'vibrant'. Really finding this test bewildering.

Another example. I think, she looks relieved. Choices: exonerated, terrorised, empty, discouraging. But exonerated means being cleared of a charge. So I guess that would be a relief, right? Do people really work this stuff out instinctively, without having to concentrate and choose the closest logical option? confused

NowRising Sat 08-Feb-14 16:37:32

I agree, Buffy, it was weird. I looked at the face then the choices but they didn't match. I figured out that it was best to look at the options then the face and then had to think a bit... 'well, she's smiling so she's not angry and the closest thing to happy is relieved so it must be that...' - it was finding the best fit from the choices rather than looking at a face and knowing how they were thinking.

It's made me think a bit though - I don't think I look at people's faces much - or at least, don't think anything when I do. I can rarely describe what someone looks like from memory other than 'black hair' etc.

Now you mention it, I agree. I can rarely call someone's face into my mind. I have to sort of imagine I'm seeing them out of the corner of my eye, if I try and 'see' their face directly, it slips away. How strange!

HoleySocksBatman Sat 08-Feb-14 18:40:49

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HoleySocksBatman Sat 08-Feb-14 18:48:30

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HoleySocksBatman Sat 08-Feb-14 19:02:40

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OxfordBags Sat 08-Feb-14 19:32:11

I scored 166 on the RAADS test. But that again showed that I sm v ASD in some areas, and either NT average or only very slightly less NT than average in others. It's baffling to me how I can be so ASD in some ways and not at all in others. I was disgnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder last year, finally, after a lifetime of feeling like a freak and being told I am one too, so that counts for a lot of my score, I reckon.

I don't have problems reading faces, in fact I score better than average for NT when it comes to tests that measure ability to read faces and empathise, etc. Again, I'm an odd mix of v Aspie and more sensitive than NT. Grr.

I found one of the questions V interesting - the one about storing your memories like filing cards in your brain, or similar. I soon found out at school that people thought I was either a liar or a loony when I would talk about being able to think about two subjects at once, and having my thoughts in a sort of filing system. AND, when Sherlock first came on tv, I remember seeing how they visually showed how his mind works, and turning to my DH and saying, "But why are they making out this is some crazy, unusual way of working things out and processing stuff? This is how everyone's mind works, surely?". His reaction told me it was not! A lot of people think that hos the character is portrayed is more like ASD, instead of him apparently being a sociopath.

OxfordBags Sat 08-Feb-14 19:32:48

Some terrible typos, I do apologise.

RafaIsTheKingOfClay Sat 08-Feb-14 19:49:24

Agree with you both on the test and not noticing people's faces.

Got 56% on faces part and 48% on the voices. I actually thought I'd done worse on the faces than the voices. Found the faces one really hard. Thought I'd cracked the voices one.

RafaIsTheKingOfClay Sat 08-Feb-14 20:02:26

9 out of 22 in 6.1 seconds for the reading the mind in films test.

That's not good is it?

RafaIsTheKingOfClay Sat 08-Feb-14 20:06:50

I'm beginning to get the feeling that the things I though I was OK with like empathinsing, recognising how people are feeling etc that I scored myself OK on in AQ/EQ/RAADS tests might be more of a problem than I think. I just haven't noticed that I'm getting it wrong.

This might actually explain quite a lot of confusion I feel about how people react to things. Might be the emotions I think they are feeling are not the ones they actually are.

HoleySocksBatman Sat 08-Feb-14 20:12:13

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RafaIsTheKingOfClay Sat 08-Feb-14 20:13:32

27 on 2 Factor Imagination scale. Could have predicted that one. My imagination is rubbish.

RafaIsTheKingOfClay Sat 08-Feb-14 20:13:32

27 on 2 Factor Imagination scale. Could have predicted that one. My imagination is rubbish.

HoleySocksBatman Sat 08-Feb-14 20:17:01

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RafaIsTheKingOfClay Sat 08-Feb-14 20:24:23

About the same as mine then. I think between 45 and 60 is 'expected' and above 60 is high spontaneous imagination.

Friendship Quotient is 58. Which while lower than for NT females doesn't seem especially low. Although it's closer to the score for females with ASD than NT females.

RafaIsTheKingOfClay Sat 08-Feb-14 20:35:35


RafaIsTheKingOfClay Sat 08-Feb-14 20:37:25

Just lost a long post. Essentially:

Was wondering if relying on the words was wrong. I did have to do that a lot to help me. I wondered if they'd thrown that in there as a red herring. Sort of saying one thing but meaning something else IYSWIM.

30 for imagination. And <drum roll> I got a non yellow score for the first time ever on that website! 56 for friendship. Though I only have one actual friend (excluding family) and she is one of the few people who seems to like me as I am, so maybe that's why is came out higher, because I was thinking of her smile

RafaIsTheKingOfClay Sat 08-Feb-14 21:01:41

I think I might have had the same problem there Buffy. Did get yellow for imagination.

My RAADS, AQ and Imagination are highlighted but that's it. Everything else is unhighlighted. I think If I went back and redid the EQ, changng some of the answers about being able to read people's emotions based on face/voice/film test results that might well end up highlighted.

HoleySocksBatman Sat 08-Feb-14 21:05:38

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My 30 for imagination was yellow, it was the friendship one that wasn't.

And yeah batman I found myself logically using a process of elimination on the faces one (couldn't do the voices because I didn't want sounds to make everyone curious about what I was doing!). With the faces, it was a process of being able to tell if the face was positive or negative, then eliminating words based on their meaning.

RafaIsTheKingOfClay Sat 08-Feb-14 21:34:38

That's what I'm thinking holey. Am reading the paper that goes with the film one. The 3 wrong answers were specifically chosen so they matched language/body language/facial expressions or in some other way. Some matched different combinations but not in every way. Interestingly, on some of the questions a large number of the HFA/Aspergers group did pick incorrect options that relied heavily on the words used where as the control group did not.

Results were also linked to verbal IQ with a higher verbal IQ correlating with a higher score.

I realise that this is an ASD trait in women. It's more the fact that I hadn't realised that I do this or that other people might say something and mean something else.

HoleySocksBatman Sat 08-Feb-14 21:39:50

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RafaIsTheKingOfClay Sat 08-Feb-14 21:40:18

Hmm. The more I think about it the more I think I'm going to broach the subject with my GP this week.

Slippery buggers, aren't they. The trick, it seems, is working out when they mean what they say and when they do not. Few clues here.

HoleySocksBatman Sat 08-Feb-14 21:44:07

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RafaIsTheKingOfClay Sat 08-Feb-14 21:53:11

I have taken the AQ test before. Usually every time someone on MN starts a thread saying they think they might have Aspergers. What was an eye opener, and has been more of an eye opener taking these tests is the stuff I haven't considered. Mostly because it hasn't even occurred to me that these things are what NT people do and people with autism struggle with.

And it's not like I don't have a reasonable knowledge of autism/aspergers either. I was reading stuff in 6th form before I started my teacher training. I had a 3hr lecture on it with further reading while doing my teacher training. All of which made me start to think 'that sounds familiar'. I've had conversations with my sister where she's studied it for work and has put forward the idea that my Dad might have aspergers or something similar. I did a lot of reading a couple of years ago about different presentations in females when my much younger female cousin was being diagnosed.

Good morning all. Thanks to everyone posting and Oxford for starting, this thread is proving so so helpful flowers

Can I ask, do you all have dc with ASD? I ask because I've never been concerned about either of my two at all. Ds I think it more similar to me, quieter and gets obsessions that he wants to do all the time (minecraft anyone) so I'm wondering whether to see how he scores on the aq. Dd is totally different, much more like DH personality wise. Average academically, no obsessions, very confident and social.

Not in a paranoid bid to label him as anything as he has had no trouble at school - has a nice group of friends, is in top sets etc - but just perhaps to arm us with some self-knowledge. I wish I had known about my stuff earlier.

What do you think? I am hoping that like my asthma, they have not inherited my likely ASD.

HoleySocksBatman Sun 09-Feb-14 09:48:51

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PolterGoose Sun 09-Feb-14 09:50:30

Buffy my ds has an Aspergers diagnosis, it was all the reading I did (and still do) that made me think about myself. How old are your children?

HoleySocksBatman Sun 09-Feb-14 09:51:34

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LottieJenkins Sun 09-Feb-14 09:53:59

Hi all, I didn't realise that today is Autism Sunday! I have started a thread in Chat!

Jacksterbear Sun 09-Feb-14 10:10:50

My 7yo DS has recently received a private dx of ASD (PDA) - like Polter, it was reading up about it in the context of his assessments that made me recognise some of it in myself.

DS was dx in December with ASD (with marked demand avoidance) and ADHD.

TheLightPassenger Sun 09-Feb-14 10:39:18

Morning. Not sure if I am undxed AS or just BAP/bags of AS traits. My child is similarly undxed (only dx was language delay with asd traits).

I am also a lot more organised at work than home. I love my spreadsheets, and turn as much as I can list wise into an excel spreadsheet at work.

Stockhausen Sun 09-Feb-14 10:48:22

Marking place for when I have time, so many things chime with me, sensitivity to noise and pain especially.

They are 7 (dd) and 10 (ds). No problems with delay in anything or behaviour issues. Hopefully it's just me in our family who may have issues smile. It was you all saying about your dc that prompted my concern.

HoleySocksBatman Sun 09-Feb-14 14:49:05

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HoleySocksBatman Sun 09-Feb-14 17:38:52

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FanFuckingTastic Sun 09-Feb-14 17:41:46

Hello. I am 31 and I think I am most likely to have Aspergers. I'm currently in a pretty tough place in life at the moment, having left an abusive relationship and being homeless right now, so if I read and don't post that is why. I find it pretty difficult to keep up with things when I am pretty preoccupied in my life, so I will try to keep up, but sorry if I don't.

HoleySocksBatman Sun 09-Feb-14 17:43:11

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FanFuckingTastic Sun 09-Feb-14 17:48:52

I am going into a refuge Holey, hopefully pretty quickly. And I have done a homelessness application at the council, so hopefully I'll be awarded priority band and be able to bid on properties pretty quickly. Thank you though, I am often in Birmingham to collect my DD for contact, I love the city.

HoleySocksBatman Sun 09-Feb-14 17:51:12

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PolterGoose Sun 09-Feb-14 18:06:25

Fan so sorry you're going through all that, hopefully life will be better in the future, likewise, if there's anything I can do, please shout (used to work in housing advice type role) I'm in the SW flowers

Meglet Sun 09-Feb-14 18:21:33

I've just found out our NHS trust have said I can have a second opinion after my bonkers ASD assessment last July. Fingers crossed it will be ok this time.

FanFuckingTastic Sun 09-Feb-14 18:42:43

Thanks PolterGoose. I may have questions at some point. Right now I am just waiting to find out what is going on. The only thing I am stuck on right now is I am considering making a second homelessness application in a different area, is that something you can do when you are at risk?

Good luck Meglet, I am hoping to settle long enough to actually get to an ASD assessment, I had been referred, but then I was made homeless, then I moved in with my now ex and it took yonks to even get seen by the CMHT never mind get referred for an assessment. Now I am waiting again to see the CMHT, and again it's taking ages.

LottieJenkins Sun 09-Feb-14 18:49:41

I saw this guy a few years ago for my ADHD and he thought I might be autistic too.......

PolterGoose Sun 09-Feb-14 18:58:36

Fan yes, do make an application elsewhere, being at risk of domestic abuse over-rides any need for a 'local connection'. If you know where you want to settle you might want to consider a move to a refuge in the new area so you can start settling.

FanFuckingTastic Sun 09-Feb-14 19:08:26

They've been talking about putting me somewhere that has a disabled room, so I will suggest the other area (which would be better for travelling to both my kids and my mum) and see if their refuge has room. I'll call the other council in the meantime and ask if I can do the application over the phone, and get my domestic violence officer at this council to contact them as well maybe, to confirm the situation.

PolterGoose Sun 09-Feb-14 19:24:57

That sounds like a good plan Fan smile you might be able to do your housing application online, worth checking.

RafaIsTheKingOfClay Thu 13-Feb-14 11:25:48


Just found this. Reason number 2 is so typically me. Every single word of it.

Mollyweasley Thu 13-Feb-14 17:43:35

That's really good Rafa! I can't decide which details are important and which are not! It's caused me big problems in the past especially when studying. I used to study so hard!

CurrerBell Thu 13-Feb-14 18:13:56

Hi, I have a 7yo son dx'd with Asperger Syndrome, and I'm pretty sure some other close relatives have/had undiagnosed ASD.

I never suspected I may have ASD myself until fairly recently... I've always been the one to keep things together and promote family harmony at all costs... My dad's difficulties always eclipsed everything else, and now my son's do obviously. So I'm only just getting round to understanding my own issues and things I've struggled with all my life...

I definitely agree that the current understanding / descriptions of ASD are very male-centric!

CouthyMow Sun 16-Feb-14 04:16:09

I score 43 on the AQ. I have 4 DC's, two dxd with 'Autistic traits', but that was when our service was frankly shite. One would possibly get an Aspergers (or whatever they call it now) dx, youngest dxd ASD (service been reorganised).

I was a typical Aspergers teen, and even now I still show lots of traits. It's hard enough to keep pushing for dx and educational he'll for the DC's though, so any dx for me would have to wait.

CouthyMow Sun 16-Feb-14 04:22:51

shock That has a NAME?! I'm forever being called 'odd' for doing that, taking on the accent of whoever I'm talking to. I put it down to having moved a lot, but it's not, really. If I talk on the phone to my Scottish Ex, I start yo sound more Scottish, if I'm talking to my MCfriends, I talk in the same way they do, if I talk to my more 'estuary accent' friends, I find myself talking like that too.

I just thought I was odd for that! I can't help it, either, it happens even when I'm trying NOT to let it happen.

CouthyMow Sun 16-Feb-14 04:40:02

Um, I just did that online RAAD-R test thing. I got 199. That's somewhat concerning! blush

HoleySocksBatman Sun 16-Feb-14 08:41:09

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neverputasockinatoaster Sun 16-Feb-14 10:46:08

Hi, hope no one minds if I add a few things.

I have a DS with a HFA DX. For years I suspected it came from DH's family as there are many many traits there. However, more and more I am looking at myself too.

I was the weird child who never fitted in, I 'magpie' other people's phrases and I do the accent thing. I am completely out of step as regards fashion, grooming etc. I spend huge amounts of my time ascribing feelings to others - usually negative. I assume everyone is pissed off with me. I claim to be able to know they feel like that but I don't.

I cannot cope with big tasks. I become hopelessly overwhelmed by keeping the house under control and only survive because I write myself lists. Like my DS the phrase 'tidy the living room' can reduce me to a flapping mess but if I tell myself I am going to pick up all the toys first then I can get it done.

I have ways to do things and get very upset if they are not done my way. DH cannot help me clean a room because he does it wrong!

I forget things very easily. I feel lonely all the time but have very few friends. I am mess of anxiousness.

I score 35 on the AQ online test. I've not done the other one. Was there a link higher up the thread?

My Dad is a remarkably intelligent man, a composer of music. His social skills are very lacking. My mum, who divorced him, maintains that he was emotionally abusive to her. I can see how she felt that way BUT a lot of his behaviour was born out of anxiety in social situations. His family just saw it as his way and he was never helped to behave more appropriately.

I have huge Sensory issues, especially with noise and clothing. DD is the same.

neverputasockinatoaster Sun 16-Feb-14 11:00:38

142 on the raids test.

High scores for sensory stuff.

CouthyMow Sun 16-Feb-14 11:07:14

Neverput - I totally understand the "he's not doing it right" feeling wrt housework. My Ex and I STILL argue over this when he's here with the DC's. He has ASD too, and we clash a LOT on this - he gets flappy because I don't do it 'right' and I get flappy because HE doesn't do it 'right'.

Any wonder we can't live together??!!

CouthyMow Sun 16-Feb-14 11:08:12

So I get 199 on the rads test and 43 on the AQ.

Anyone got a link to the EQ or the films one?

PolterGoose Sun 16-Feb-14 11:25:32

aspietests link

never I can identify with a lot of that smile

It does worry me that because I identify so much with ds that I probably have different expectations than if I was properly NT, whether I'm doing him a disservice?

neverputasockinatoaster Sun 16-Feb-14 11:50:12

What I find is that the. bits of DS's behaviour I mind are the ones where others are affected.
So, I stress about him exploding because others might get hurt but him not wanting to play outside in the -noisy hell that is the- playground? Meh, his choice. Him walking away from people when they are mid sentence - not good. Him not wanting to work collaberatively with a group? Meh, I'd hate it too!

Same with DD. Her going out bare legged worries me cos she'll get cold. Her refusing to wear the school tie? Meh, stupid to make a 6 year old wear a tie anyway.

PolterGoose Sun 16-Feb-14 11:56:28

That's a good way of putting it never and I think I do something similar, but to outsiders it looks like pandering.

RafaIsTheKingOfClay Sun 16-Feb-14 12:07:15

I can identify with a lot of that as well, never. It's actually really helpful for you to write that. I think I'm getting to the point where I feel I might talk to my GP about this. So anything that helps me clarify my own thoughts is helpful.

I have some sensory issues but not huge ones. I do tend to buy my clothes by touch and have rejected clothes for not feeling right. I also tend to like/crave foods by texture rather than taste.

In terms of sight/sounds anything plain is fine as are quite ordered patterns. Have problems with stuff that looks or sounds quite 'busy'. Almost like there's too much info to process and I can't cope with it. I'm not sure if that's just me or whether it might be an ASD thing though. I don't seem to be able to filter stuff out so I see/hear everything. The question on the AQ that I though dealt with that actually scores you for is disagreeing with it though so I'm not sure where I stand with that.

tallulah Sun 16-Feb-14 12:51:36

I've just done the RAAD test and scored 161, and 41 on the other one. That was a surprise.

I'm wondering if any of you can answer this. Where I work there is always a big push for new ideas, and initiative, and I just don't have it at all. I never have, right from "interpretation" in ballet class, to any "think of a...". I can't think of fancy dress ideas, and if I had an idea to start with I wouldn't be able to work out how to actually do it.

I got through school because you get told what to write about. At 11 I wrote about 400 pages on a story called "My own Island". If they'd said write about anything you like I wouldn't have been able to get started. But even at O level (I'm that old) the task always had a heading.

Is there a word for a lack of ideas? Is it ASD related? It is frustrating because it's holding me back.

neverputasockinatoaster Sun 16-Feb-14 13:35:36

I relate to that. I have been told that I can write achingly well. I have been told I should write a novel. But I cannot think of ideas and I can't plan and develop a plot. If I have a plot idea and a plan provided I can write brilliantly.

Maybe I need to team up with an ideas bod!

roi3ek Sun 16-Feb-14 17:55:50

I just found you guys. Great, great to meet you all.

I have a question about Tatiana's website though. When I read through this extensive list of characteristics female Aspies share, I cannot help bu think that she is describing a significant part of the human population: INTROVERTS. Where exactly is the Asperger's part of it?

Also, the AQ test some of you refer to, is it online?

roi3ek Sun 16-Feb-14 17:59:00

Also, is there a glossary somewhere that explains what is dd, ds, dh and so forth. (I am in the U.S., maybe it has to do with that? Or I am just not used to the lingo. Sorry.)

PolterGoose Sun 16-Feb-14 18:11:17

roi3ek the tests are in a couple of links on this thread, my post at 11.25 has a link, click on where is says aspietests in a different colour.

PolterGoose Sun 16-Feb-14 18:27:53

Guide to getting started and links to FAQs, abbreviations etc here

PolterGoose Sun 16-Feb-14 18:31:05

This thread on Wrong Planet might help you understand the difference between AS and introversion.

Out of interest, do you think you have AS?

ouryve Sun 16-Feb-14 20:16:00

I've not seen the RAADS test before. I scored 132. When I did the AQ, a couple of years ago, I was in the high 30s.

roi3ek Mon 17-Feb-14 06:34:01

Thanks Polter. The thread on WP - wow, so depressing. Luckily we have come a long way since 2007 in our understanding of introversion.

As to your question if I think I have AS, I'm not sure. Besides being extremely uncomfortable in certain social situation, there is more going on that I can't quite put my finger on. A certain rigidity in my thinking and feeling, and my lack of interest in close human relationships, for starters. When I was younger I thought I had that interest but now I don't have it, and even back then I might have held this belief erroneously, or rather, imagining myself like everybody else and only circumstances or bad luck or whatever have you were a hindrance on my having the kinds of relationships I thought I wanted. (Does this make sense?)

I took the Aspie test. I had actually taken it before. Both times I scored 37. The RAADS test was weird. I don't really agree with "Never true" and True. What about "sometimes true" etc. It just wasn't nuanced enough IMO. I scored 119 on that one. BTW who on earth remembers in minute detail what they were like before the age of 16?

The trouble with all this is that it doesn't make a lick of difference whether I am an Aspie or not, except for the sake of self-knowledge. Being me is a lonely business, and there is no cure and no pill for whatever you want to call it, social phobic, introvert, Aspie, or who knows what else....

Mollyweasley Tue 18-Feb-14 09:00:20

roi3ek- I seeked and got a diagnosis of Asperger syndrome last year after my son was diagnosed. I don't think that a diagnosis only makes a difference for the sake of self-knowledge. There was so much of myself that I was not aware of (I think that can happen a lot with people on the spectrum). The diagnosis gave me confirmation that what I read on ASD applied to me and therefore I have learned so much about myself. I am much happier than I was because I have found so much in life that I enjoy. I still have bad days where I feel very isolated but I have much more good days than bad. Also the diagnosis confirmed that other people (and a lot of them) have the same feelings, this has helped me not feel so lonely…)

Of course you could be social phobic, introvert and Aspie…and there is no magic pill but there is help out there….

Mollyweasley Tue 18-Feb-14 09:01:29
roi3ek Sun 23-Feb-14 21:08:49

Thanks, Molly, I'll take a look at that.

I think what I was reacting to was that people mostly comment on how an Asperger's diagnosis explained their social awkwardness etc., but there is more to Asperger's than that. What about repetitive behavior, obsession with numbers, etc. Without there being this repetitive obsessive preoccupation with certain objects, ideas or activities, I maintain that what some people think is autism is really something else.

PolterGoose Sun 23-Feb-14 21:37:14

I think I disagree roi, autism is fundamentally a social/communication disorder, it is common for there to be repetitive obsessive type behaviour, and also common for there to be sensory processing difficulties, but you can have autism without both of those.

roi3ek Mon 24-Feb-14 03:33:39

No it's not, except in the sense that repetitive obsessive behavior invariably leads to social/communication difficulties.

In the U.S., the criteria for mental disabilities are laid out in a "mental health bible", a manual called the DSMV, which currently is in its 5th revised edition. You can see the definition here: http://www.aspergerssyndromeparent.com/autism-behaviors.html.

I tried to find the definition used in the UK which goes by the World Health Organization's definition, and that does seem to be broader and doesn't require the repetitive spastic part. Whether that's doing a service to anybody I don't know.

PolterGoose Mon 24-Feb-14 18:38:22

roi I suppose what I mean to say is that the repetitive obsessiveness you're talking about isn't IMO central to an ASD dx, but also perhaps that it can be displayed in different ways to the stereotypical obsession with facts and numbers that is so often perpetuated. Rigidity and adherence to routine as well as sensory processing now have equal footing with the obsessive thing in the DSM.

I suspect that many of us posting about ourselves are focusing on the social because that's the bit that causes us problems? As an adult I'm more able to manage my sensory difficulties, my rigidity is a useful attribute and my obsessions are socially acceptable and seen as positive activity. Those bits aren't problematic for me (mostly) so I don't need to talk about them. They're there though.

RafaIsTheKingOfClay Tue 25-Feb-14 23:22:24

Exactly, polter you learn to find a niche where those are useful. I work in a role that has a lot of links with QA/QC. Following SOPs, ensuring numbers are within limits etc. I can do that fine so it doesn't interfere with work. In fact it makes me look very good at my job. Put me somewhere that would require a bit more flexibility and I'd sink. I can't work out what's expected of me. You know where you are with numbers and limits.

There's also the growing body of evidence that autism presents differently in females and the female brain that some of the behaviours that people might consider as 'stereotypically' autistic may not be present or look different in female adult.

The DSMV doesn't require all the criteria to be met either. So it is possible to be diagnosed with autism and not have the obsessive interests in objects or an obsession with numbers. Or in fact any interest in numbers.

HoleySocksBatman Wed 26-Feb-14 07:47:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PolterGoose Wed 26-Feb-14 07:50:50

Oh Holey you really are having quite a week sad Good luck for Tuesday, fingers crossed you get the dx you need (and warrant) flowers

CrabbySpringyBottom Wed 26-Feb-14 09:48:09

Tony Attwood has a section in his book The Complete Guide to Aspergers Syndrome (described as "our bible" by the NHS developmental paediatrician who diagnosed my DD) which discusses the limitations of the DSM-IV diagnostic criteria. At the beginning of that section he says...
"Just reading the DSM-IV criteria as the only source of information from which to make a diagnosis, a clinician would have insufficient knowledge about Aspergers Syndrome to make a reliable diagnosis".

So much on this thread resonates with me.

RafaIsTheKingOfClay Wed 26-Feb-14 09:53:38

Good luck for Tuesday, Holey. I'm still putting off making an appointment to see my GP to talk about it. I will get there eventually.

HoleySocksBatman Wed 26-Feb-14 09:59:46

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PolterGoose Wed 26-Feb-14 10:00:23

Rafa I can't bring myself to see my GP for anything, it's one of my 'issues', I just can't verbalise my own needs in RL at all. Once I've finished paying for my MSc I think I'll explore private assessment, I just can't face jumping through the metaphorical hoops to get there via the NHS.

HoleySocksBatman Wed 26-Feb-14 10:04:21

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RafaIsTheKingOfClay Wed 26-Feb-14 10:11:10

It's only this one thing. I have no issues with going to my GP. In fact she's normally the one person I can talk to about anything. She's been looking after my mental health issues for 8 years with anything from weekly to 3 monthly appointments during that time. And my physical health issues on top of that.

I just can't shake the feeling that she'll just laugh and tell me not to be ridiculous. Which is stupid because I know she'd never do that. I just don't think it's in her nature. I actually have a feeling that if diagnosis comesrom the mental health team here there isn't going to be much she can do anyway.

The DSM-V criteria make me feel a bit uncomfortable. It feels like an old-fashioned 'stereotypical' view of autism that doesn't bear much relation to knew research about what we know/are finding out about the neurobiology. I think the WHO ICD guidlines are probably much closer. From what I can remember I think the DSM criteria for lots of thing have a tendency to be controversial though.

HoleySocksBatman Wed 26-Feb-14 10:22:00

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HoleySocksBatman Wed 26-Feb-14 10:43:49

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GarlicLeGrenouille Wed 26-Feb-14 11:02:22

Help! I've just scored 120 on the RAAD test. It was odd, many of the questions were things I've never considered before. So ... I'm guilty of saying "we're all on the spectrum" - which could possibly be explained by my actually being on the spectrum grin

Thing is, what use is this information to me? Working out that I'm dyspraxic hasn't made a jot of difference. I found out why I have certain issues, but the name has afforded me no more coping tools. In reality, I reckon I'm a lot dyspraxic and a bit aspergers. Can I do anything about this? Or is it just another "thing that's wrong with me"?

As Batman infers, I've got a portfolio of diagnoses, all of which are bog standard for a menopausal woman - depression; anxiety; CFS/ME; hypothyroid. Whether these are symptoms of lazy doctoring or a lifetime spent battling my oddness (or both), does it matter?

HoleySocksBatman Wed 26-Feb-14 11:08:47

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PolterGoose Wed 26-Feb-14 11:15:27

Makes sense to me smile

I would like official dx of AS for me, in part because I'd like the protection of the Equality Act more explicitly (sort of have already thanks to great OH doc), I want to be able to feel comfortable empathising with others who have AS, so when eg Holey says something I can feel comfy saying 'me too' without feeling like she's gonna dismiss my understanding because I don't have a dx, in a similar vein I want to be able to confidently articulate an AS perspective from an insider standpoint, be that at work or when advocating for ds. Lots of reasons for me, but it's very personal.

RafaIsTheKingOfClay Wed 26-Feb-14 11:24:14

Makes perfect sense. In my case I do have a depressive illness and a sometimes broken thyroid. But I'm sure there's something else going on. I'm not convinced this is just a depressive illness. It may not be Aspergers but at the moment I'm getting a lot of not very useful CBT because I don't think it's aimed at the right thing. Ruling it in or out would help focus the treatment in the right place.

It would also help at work. Since I had a lot of time off work due to a major episode of depression last year a lot of my rigid behaviours/pedantry etc are being watched by my bosses trying to spot signs and are being used by them as signs that I am depressed/anxious stressed out by the job. Which leads to accusations that I can't cope and then them trying to take parts of my job role away. Being able to say 'actually I have Asperger's/HFA and this is just me and how I am' would help a lot. It's also likely to afford me some protection under the Equality Act. At the moment I can't seem to so much as breathe the wrong way without being accused of being anxious.

GarlicLeGrenouille Wed 26-Feb-14 11:37:38

Thanks. I understand what you mean about gaining protections & being able to 'explain yourself' with a ratified diagnosis. Unfortunately, the effects you fear have already happened to me - and the ongoing repercussions are more than enough to cause depression & anxiety in anyone!

Bugger. I think I'll just shelve this sad I want to keep the thread active, though, so beware of short meaningless posts every few days!

HoleySocksBatman Wed 26-Feb-14 11:38:23

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HoleySocksBatman Wed 26-Feb-14 16:19:41

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roi3ek Wed 26-Feb-14 17:38:42

Batman, you totally makes sense. I would guess that probably most depressions are situational. I could probably use antidepressants right now, but I have been down that road before and it did not improve things. I don't like to feel flat. Being an intense person by nature, it weirded me out that everything lost their edge, so to speak. Everything was smoother, all the while the same stinking situation was still going on, so who was being fooled? I have never tried anti-anxiety drugs. But frankly, the only time I felt good was with Ritalin.

Meglet Wed 26-Feb-14 17:39:20

Just checking in. I'm waiting for an apt for my second opinion apt. Different unit this time, apparently more thorough than the batshit lady I saw last summer.

I'm desperate to get an offical ASD diagnosis partly because it will help 5yo DD get one and I can let work know. Although I fear that at nearly 40 I've got so used to behaving normally I'm not sure if I can prove how hard I find life.

roi3ek Wed 26-Feb-14 17:49:13

Crabby "Tony Attwood has a section in his book The Complete Guide to Aspergers Syndrome (described as "our bible" by the NHS developmental paediatrician who diagnosed my DD) which discusses the limitations of the DSM-IV diagnostic criteria. At the beginning of that section he says...
"Just reading the DSM-IV criteria as the only source of information from which to make a diagnosis, a clinician would have insufficient knowledge about Aspergers Syndrome to make a reliable diagnosis"."

I agree that the writers of the manual are a bunch of clowns. Lots of people think so, and btw, in the newest permutation they did away with Asperger's competely. confused (And I will look up Tony Attwood.)

What I find is that there is an obsessive component to autism. Anybody who has been in the presence of someone with autism knows that. Of course, not everybody lines up their toy cars, or spins, or flaps their hands, I don't mean that. But there is something there that goes beyond social discomfort. For me, if I am on the spectrum, I have obsessive thoughts, I replay dialogue in my head, whether from the past, or a conversation I am planning to have, or the way a conversation should have gone. And I often repeat in my head sentences over and over again. Also, I get exhausted watching people have small talk, I don't know how they do it. But on the occasions when I do manage it, I eventually run out like a put-put car running out of fuel. It's comical, actually, except I'm the only one who's in on the joke. ;)

HoleySocksBatman Wed 26-Feb-14 17:49:51

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HoleySocksBatman Wed 26-Feb-14 17:53:22

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roi3ek Wed 26-Feb-14 17:58:53

polter yeah, I get it now, you are right. The numbers obsession is surely overplayed, as are other stereotypes. My son for example has always made good eye contact with family members, and is affectionate, and that has fooled me for years.

batman I just realized why Tony Attwood sounded familiar. I have a book from the library right now in which he is a contributor. "Asperger's and Girls", featuring Tony Attwood, Temple Grandin, and several others, including Ruth Snyder who has Asperger's and wrote "Maternal Instincts in Asperger's Syndrome." I highly recommend this article, and the whole book. http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_c_0_14/188-6149271-8474909?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=aspergers%20and%20girls&sprefix=aspergers+and+%2Caps%2C4297

PolterGoose Wed 26-Feb-14 18:16:28

I do the obsessing over conversations too, it's weird though, I am truly awful at social chitchat (though I've found MNSNers I've met in RL a revelation, I'm just 'me') and frequently say the wrong thing or misinterpret, I cannot work out if someone considers me a friend or not so I completely back off for fear of being wrong. Yet, professionally (and I may have already said this up thread but CBA to re-read it) I have a very peopley job, a very diverse caseload and I'm praised for how good I am at responding and adapting to needs, professionally I am extremely flexible confused

And back to obsessions, at the moment I'm crocheting every spare moment, I should be doing an assignment, housework, sorting out the chaos of the spare room or doing one of many DIY jobs in our hovel project of a home, but I can't, I have to finish another bloody blanket. And when I'm home alone on my days off I crochet while watching DVD box sets, beginning to end, series after series, to the detriment of all the things I should be doing. I've got half a shed full of camping stuff and a shelf of camping books from a camping obsession a few years ago, we went once, for a night. Everything I do I end up with magazines, books and more paraphernalia than is really necessary. If a new book in a series I like comes out I end up reading all the previous ones again. I could go on smile

ControlGeek Wed 26-Feb-14 18:25:37

Place marking for later, I'm about to head out to evening class but don't want to lose this now that I have found it!

(Did the tests about a year ago, got somewhere in the region of 40 for AQ and around 5 for EQ)

I obsess over conversations too. It's so annoying as i'll actually think about them that much I imagine every single outcome possible. I have to have things just right and done in a certain way or I get really frustrated.

HoleySocksBatman Wed 26-Feb-14 18:38:20

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PolterGoose Wed 26-Feb-14 18:41:21

So glad it's not just me grin

My yarn stash is scary shock

And I appear to use MN to monologue blush

HoleySocksBatman Wed 26-Feb-14 19:08:55

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HoleySocksBatman Wed 26-Feb-14 19:09:43

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Living Wed 26-Feb-14 20:01:00

Can I join? becoming ever more suspicious that I am somewhere obtuse spectrum (40s in the AQ and just got 142 on the RAADS). confused about what I do about it though - I'm functioning perfectly well (I assumed this was normal until recently!) and I'm not sure where a DX would get me. would be nice to get an answer either way but I'm also terrified I'll be told I'm being an idiot and exaggerating things!

Living Wed 26-Feb-14 20:01:47

on the not obtuse.

holey I do that too with various conversations with people. I then get upset if it doesn't work out how I rehearsed!

RafaIsTheKingOfClay Wed 26-Feb-14 22:10:00

blueeyed I need a like button for that last post. I think it's going to go the way it goes in my head and then it doesn't and it throws me. I'm sure I've actually thought I've told people stuff that I haven't. Just because I've rehearsed it in my head and then that part of the conversation never comes up in RL.

It's TV programs for me. I will find something I like and then watch it again and again and again. I suspect this is one of those things that gets missed in women as it doesn't appear to be that unusual on the surface. I mean MN TV addict section is full of people who find a program and then watch all the box sets of it. But there's a documentary series on one of the on demand services that's 4 episodes long. I've probably watched those 4 episodes about 15-20 times in the first 3-4 months they were online. Their being taken off at the end of April. Thanking my lucky stars there's going to be a second series. Hopefully broadcast before they take the first set off line.

My current obsession is curling. I can't see this ending well when the last of it disappears off iplayer in a few days time.

HoleySocksBatman Thu 27-Feb-14 07:40:33

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Jacksterbear Thu 27-Feb-14 09:24:55

I rehearse conversations over and over beforehand (eg when phoning the doctor's surgery for an appointment, which I hate). I also replay in my head conversations I have had, over and over and over, both as they actually happened and with different outcomes. I obsess endlessly over particular things I've said and whether they were stupid/offensive/embarrassing.

I also read and re-read obsessively back over my own emails and MN posts, etc, to see whether they make sense, are offensive or embarrassing etc.

Things have to be neat and logical in my head. Anything that isn't, I throw away out of my head rather than have it half understood and messy in there. It frustrates me when I try to explain something that makes perfect sense in a certain way to me, and it's clear that the other person sees it in a slightly different way. Does any of that make sense to anyone else?

PolterGoose Thu 27-Feb-14 09:26:07

Makes complete sense Jackster

Jacksterbear Thu 27-Feb-14 09:39:29

smile Polter

PolterGoose Thu 27-Feb-14 10:22:20

Can I ask? Do any of you have health problems too?

I've got hypermobile joints (despite years of tests as a child because I couldn't walk at times and had awful pain it went undiagnosed, only realised what it was when ds's physio took a family history), probably IBS (undiagnosed but my mother has it diagnosed), a weird 'set' of allergies that I take daily antihistamines for (initially prescribed after a serious reaction in town when ds was little and an ambulance was called, but I've never gone back for tests) and psoriasis/eczema (self diagnosed too). I also have sleep problems and always have. It feels like there's probably a link between it all confused

Jacksterbear Thu 27-Feb-14 10:31:27

Under active thyroid, which despite being treated with thyroxine makes me swing between periods of utter exhaustion (when meds level not high enough) and horrendous anxiety (when meds too high).

DS' OT says I have hyper mobile joints in my hands but it's never caused pain or problems and I wouldn't have noticed if she hadn't said it!

General bowel/stomach problems - frequent and prolonged periods of upset stomach, generally gassy, bloated, gurgly stomach, always prone to nausea/upset stomach after any alcohol or rich food, hyperemesis in both pregnancies. I think I've read on a ASD blog that the stomach thing is common amongst those with ASDs.

devilinside Thu 27-Feb-14 12:07:02

signing in, have dx of mild AS, but suspect I have ADHD too, suffer with insomnia, eczema, asthma, emetophobia and IBS (when particularly anxious). I am also a complete perfectionist in work, but live in total chaos

PolterGoose Thu 27-Feb-14 12:11:51

Hi devil I'm the same, totally organised and on task, hit targets etc at work, complete opposite at home where I mostly just flop.

I have eczema, asthma, I seem to be sensitive to gluten (my brother was recently diagnosed coeliac and had the same symptoms as me), Allergies to certain bubble bath, bronchiectasis. Think that's it.

Jack the stomach thing could be due to gluten!

HoleySocksBatman Thu 27-Feb-14 13:35:21

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HoleySocksBatman Thu 27-Feb-14 14:29:48

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PolterGoose Thu 27-Feb-14 14:34:24

I don't know what happened to you in October but whatever it was I'm sending (((hugs)))

HoleySocksBatman Thu 27-Feb-14 14:37:06

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Meglet Thu 27-Feb-14 16:03:18

Sensitive to gluten / wheat here. And also sensitive to most medication.

Living Thu 27-Feb-14 17:34:32

I'm also superorganised at work except that if I let it slip for a second I end up up to my neck in random mess. Current obsession is actually the new budgeting software which is actually proving useful in getting finances back on track. Still probably don't need to review it approx every two hours even when I know nothing's changed.

Living Thu 27-Feb-14 17:37:22

holey on a practical note, if the shrink was going to section you mainly based on what you submitted last time he/she would already have done so surely.

HoleySocksBatman Thu 27-Feb-14 17:45:20

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Living Thu 27-Feb-14 18:44:27

Logic I can do. Handholding, not so good grin

roi3ek Thu 27-Feb-14 19:31:00

I spent all morning running errands and had one dis-spiriting exchange with strangers after the other. On my drive home I went over those encounters again, and really - I have a problem, alright. One of the things I do is I have this emphatic way of expressing myself so that the other person gets it exactly right. I want there to be no room for error whatsoever, because if they get it wrong it makes me really really mad. I swear, I am able to antagonize a counter person just by ordering a bagel! This is nuts! confused If I could just chill.....

Also, when I give driving directions to someone, I describe all the landmarks in extreme detail so that they don't lose their way. To me, that is completely natural and valuable information, but I have been told otherwise. sad

HoleySocksBatman Thu 27-Feb-14 19:34:27

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PolterGoose Thu 27-Feb-14 19:50:21

roi I do that too, and I frequently repeat myself if the other person doesn't explicitly acknowledge what I've said. And I do exactly the same with giving directions, because I need the detail so that's what I do.

Living Thu 27-Feb-14 19:57:02

Holey I'm the same. I even managed to talk a counsellor into saying the only thing I needed was assertiveness training after proving a extensively detailed and researched monologue on a serious mental health issue I had whilst at uni. Not sure the poor guy knew what had hit him. I most definitely needed serious help at the time not assertiveness training!

roi3ek Thu 27-Feb-14 20:53:41

Oh, wow... I think this is the first time I look at my communication "style" dispassionately and I can actually see what's happening.

Lol, polter, you hit the nail on the head: they have to acknowledge explicitely that they understood what I said. And if they don't give me that satisfaction I just go on and on about it. I did that as a child too. I remember my mother had a way of going about her business while I talked and talked, and I needed some kind of reaction from her, and she just wouldn't deliver. That was so disconcerting....

PolterGoose Thu 27-Feb-14 20:58:07

Similar here roi my mother was always very dismissive sad

Can I just say how lovely it is to be able to discuss this, I would never be able to do it in RL, I just wouldn't be able to verbalise it at all. Writing is much better.

RafaIsTheKingOfClay Thu 27-Feb-14 20:58:34

and I frequently repeat myself if the other person doesn't explicitly acknowledge what I've said

This x 1000. I'm trying to stop, but I don't know I'm doing it until after I do it and someone picks me up on it. It's not really helping on the whole 'anxious' about things front. People think I'm worrying about stuff because I keep repeating something and I'm thinking 'no you just didn't say you heard me or understood'.

PolterGoose Thu 27-Feb-14 21:00:57

roi I'm wondering if you're starting to see how this is different to introversion?

RafaIsTheKingOfClay Thu 27-Feb-14 21:03:31

Does anyone else start conversations halfway through. A bit like the first bit plays out in my head, or I'm thinking something. And then I say the next bit out loud to somebody. It's not until they ask what I'm talking about that I realise they won't know the first bit or what I'm talking about.

I think I MN a bit like that too.

PolterGoose Thu 27-Feb-14 21:10:04

I don't often do that Rafa but I've just realised how I use my memory to create a pretence of caring sharing empathy type behaviour, I make myself remember pertinent facts about colleagues and when I drive into work I remind myself what I need to ask people (eg ask X about mum's health, remember Y went on hen weekend, ask about Z's new puppy etc) In all honesty, I don't actually care that much (though there are people in RL and on here that I genuinely empathise with and care about).

RafaIsTheKingOfClay Thu 27-Feb-14 21:14:08

I have something similar. I do care but I don't think to ask. I just assume they will know I care. So I have to do the same thing of remembering the fact and consciously thinking about asking/knowing what I need to ask. Sometimes I can actually do quite a good job at not being completely socially inept. grin

PolterGoose Thu 27-Feb-14 21:20:21

It's bloody exhausting though

Actually I do care about a lot of things, but really have no interest in people's holidays, whether their chickens are laying, tales of 'perfect' children or what they cooked in their effing slow cooker.

RafaIsTheKingOfClay Thu 27-Feb-14 21:37:40

Whereas I am interested but have no idea about how to ask without 'overdoing' it and appearing a bit obsessive.

It certainly is exhausting.

GarlicLeGrenouille Thu 27-Feb-14 23:34:17

I frequently repeat myself if the other person doesn't explicitly acknowledge what I've said

Roi, Poulter, Rafa - Have you learned how to do conversational 'tie-downs? They are mostly phrases like "Isn't it? Doesn't it?" etc, and also "What do you think?" or "Do you find the same thing?" All ways of punctuating your speech by calling on the listener's attention. Additionally, I make liberal use of "Does that make sense?" type tie-downs, as I have a tendency to vomit words at high speed sometimes.

I learned a ton of this stuff in sales training, it's been my saviour.

RafaIsTheKingOfClay Thu 27-Feb-14 23:44:43

I think I'm sort of teaching myself them. Or at least some of them. In the same way I think I might have taught, myself to make some eye contact when talking to people.

Actually in an odd way I think internet forums have helped with this. The conversation moves slower so you have time to think a bit before responding.

GarlicLeGrenouille Fri 28-Feb-14 00:10:00

Forums do help, don't they, Rafa?

^^ see what I did there wink

HoleySocksBatman Fri 28-Feb-14 07:33:35

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PolterGoose Fri 28-Feb-14 07:42:48

MIL does the 'isn't it?' 'doesn't it?' thing and it infuriates me, it means I have to listen and comment on her tedious monologues about people I don't know. But I can see the advantage.

And I'm coming across as quite horrible now hmm

Ha garlic I do that. It's easier to echo stuff if I don't know what to say!

Mollyweasley Fri 28-Feb-14 09:36:51

Can I ask how you all get on with your mums? I am starting to suspect my mum has a form of neurological difference (I am not sure if it is ADD, ASD or both-I have both) , our relationship is not good and highly unusual?

PolterGoose Fri 28-Feb-14 09:44:58

Molly I'm no contact with mine, but she is definitely not neurotypical, and her mother was dx bipolar and frequently sectioned.

PolterGoose Fri 28-Feb-14 09:47:32

And my maternal grandfather was very 'unusual' too, my neuro difference definitely comes from my mother's side. Interestingly, dp's probable AS appears to come from his mother's side too confused

HoleySocksBatman Fri 28-Feb-14 09:51:42

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mollyweasley Fri 28-Feb-14 09:52:40

If you don't mind me asking, how do you manage your relationship? My mum lives in a world where she does no wrong but she can behave very badly. Unfortunately she is "untouchable" i.e I can not confront her or my life will be hell and I will be portrait as a bad person to relations and family friends! Other people think she is nice. I have to spend at least 4 weeks a year with her as she lives far. I just don't know how to handle this anymore.

Mollyweasley Fri 28-Feb-14 09:53:55

Thanks for answering holysocks-
just to clarify my last questions was directed at polter

SummerRain Fri 28-Feb-14 09:58:25

Hello all, I'm late to this but see a few familiar faces from previous threads.

Two of my boys have sn, Ds1 has adhd and asd and ds2 is probably asd but no dx yet.

Over the last few years I've come to the realisation that I'm almost certainly and aspie too, I have no dx but tick a lot of the boxes.

PolterGoose Fri 28-Feb-14 10:03:02

My mum lives in a world where she does no wrong but she can behave very badly

That is so familiar. My mum chucked me out at 17, we had 6m of no contact then. Since then we have had periods of 'trying' interspersed with increasing periods of no contact. Currently it's nearly 2 years. Lots of issues. If I say anything that casts even the tiniest aspersion on her parenting I get accused of making her feel guilty and she cries. She provokes me to discuss stuff and then does that. She 'blames' me for ds's difficulties, she's so far on the side of nurture on the nature/nurture thing that it must be my fault he has AS etc, I get accused of pandering and all sorts. When we've been in contact she is sneery, dismissive and plain vile. Everything has to be on her terms, no compromise, I have big sleep issues and hate going away from home, at one stage she basically decided that unless I would stay with her then I was just a terrible daughter, she's single, fit and active, not poor (despite her claims) and travels around the world to see other people but not to here, there was a big power game going on, more of the provocative stuff I think. I could go on.

Mollyweasley Fri 28-Feb-14 10:04:14

Sorry polter I just reread your post and realise you are not in contact with your mum. I am not with it this morning sad .Will go and take a break and come back later wink.

PolterGoose Fri 28-Feb-14 10:04:51

Oh, and, yes, 'other people' think she is wonderful, inspirational and amazing. So it must be me.

PolterGoose Fri 28-Feb-14 10:05:46

It's alright Molly I'm sure all of us on here are used to mis-reading wink

PolterGoose Fri 28-Feb-14 10:06:22

Hello Summer smile

Mollyweasley Fri 28-Feb-14 10:13:11

right did it again! I posted my last post before I read your next one...I need to go and get some timeout!!!

If I say anything that casts even the tiniest aspersion on her parenting I get accused of making her feel guilty -
This is what I get. e.g. Apparently my diagnosis of Asperger seems to create a brilliant opportunity for her to feel like a victim- I get "we thought we were attentive parents", " I thought I was a good mum" Somehow this has all gone back to her!
Thrown out at 17! polter that must have been awful!

welcome summeRain

PolterGoose Fri 28-Feb-14 10:22:29

Molly strangely it wasn't too bad, a friend's social worker was fab and supportive, helped me with benefits, I found places to live and then after a year went off to do a residential volunteer placement, which actually set me up to do what I do now work-wise. I needed out, it had been horrible for years, no abuse or anything, just lacking and dismissive I think.

Mine does the victim thing too, big time.

HoleySocksBatman Fri 28-Feb-14 10:42:57

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HoleySocksBatman Fri 28-Feb-14 10:46:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SummerRain Fri 28-Feb-14 10:59:26

I moved out at 17 as my mother and I couldn't share a house any more, she's a 'difficult' woman too and life with her was intolerable.

Funnily enough our relationship is a lot better noe, she knows I won't tolerate any shit after a few periods of restricted contact and she's actually mellowed a lot with age. She accepted the boys issues amazingly well considering she always accused me of being lazy and badly behaved for pretty much the same issues. She's even admitted recently that not only can she see that I have the same issues as the boys, but that she has issues too shock

I've gone from being afraid to leave dd with her as a baby as I had so little trust in her to it being the working plan for her to childmind for us next year when she finishes work!

My father is also clearly on the spectrum, he's the stereotypical male aspie. I've always got on much better with him though, our thought processes are hugely similar so we get each other whereas my mother and I always rubbed each other up the wrong way. She can be very critical and as a complicated teenager that was a disaster for our relationship.

I left home at 18 as I couldn't stand living with her any longer. She is here ever day to help look after my lo's when I go to work. She drives me bonkers.........absolutely mad. She HAS to talk. All.the.time. she's doing it now, she has to fill silence argh. I like peace, she exhausts me. We get on ok now but when I was a teen she was awful. Quite often I wish I saw her in smaller doses. As kind as she is she infuriates me. She can't help it, that's my issue!

devilinside Fri 28-Feb-14 13:43:03

My mum walked out on us as teenagers to pursue her own interests (she's definitely on the spectrum) we have a ok relationship, but it is not loving in the slightest. My father is diagnosed with AS, and we've always got on well as we are similar, even though he can be controlling and critical

Mollyweasley Fri 28-Feb-14 13:54:50

Thanks for all your comments, it helps me see that the bad relationship isn't my fault but probably that the cause behind it is undiagnosed neurological issues. What I find very hard is to pretend that I don't have a problem with her when she is around. I want to tell her, I want to really verbally lash out but I have to contain all these emotions so that I am not portrait as a horrible person!
I get on very well with my dad though who I suspect is on the spectrum but very much like me, and I want to keep seeing him.I have a great DH too so must focus on the positive!

GarlicLeGrenouille Fri 28-Feb-14 14:10:37

YY, blue, echoing's another marvellous conversational lubricant! Makes sense, really: everyone likes to know they've been heard smile

GarlicLeGrenouille Fri 28-Feb-14 14:20:13

the cause behind it is undiagnosed neurological issues

Yes, of course. But please be aware that these may be AS issues and others. Being on the spectrum doesn't preclude being overly narcissistic, self-centred, dishonest, or any other problematic qualities.

I'm pretty sure my mother has Asperger's, albeit mildly. She's also histrionic/narcissistic and, during The Conversations, even referred to herself as a narcissist.

Appropriate strategies apply, though with an even greater need for care over any discussions you choose to initiate.

Mollyweasley Fri 28-Feb-14 14:50:30

thank you garlic for your input. I am coming to the conclusion that there is as many different people on the spectrum that outside! Do you know any of the strategies to cope with this kind of behaviour? I really wish I could know some to make my life around her a bit easier, I don't want to not see her as this would mean not seeing my dad or my sister and her children.

GarlicLeGrenouille Fri 28-Feb-14 15:13:07

It's tricky, Molly, but there are several different approaches - you might feel some of them are worth trying. The main thing is developing strong personal boundaries (this can be hard if loopy parents caused your sense of self-worth to be messed up.) My best advice, I think, is to check out the links from the OP of a Stately Homes thread, and go from there!

PolterGoose Fri 28-Feb-14 15:47:40

I want to really verbally lash out but I have to contain all these emotions

Yes yes to that.

Mollyweasley Sat 01-Mar-14 18:42:47

Thanks garlic I'll try that.

roi3ek Sat 01-Mar-14 19:37:07

polter "Can I just say how lovely it is to be able to discuss this, I would never be able to do it in RL, I just wouldn't be able to verbalise it at all. Writing is much better." -
Yes, totally agree with that. I was just thinking how strange it is that so many of us identify with what people are saying. It's quite amazing.

"roi I'm wondering if you're starting to see how this is different to introversion?" -
Yes, (sheepishly, looking down) totally mindblowing sh*t. blush

PolterGoose Sat 01-Mar-14 19:48:30


GarlicMarchHare Sat 01-Mar-14 21:30:52

Good luck, Molly flowers

nappyaddict Sun 02-Mar-14 09:48:20

I have started a thread but have been directed here so I hope you ladies can help me.

I have always been unmotivated, messy, disorganised, lazy, in denial, putting things off hoping they will go away and then running out of time and panicking when I can't get it done.

I get extremely anxious in social situations where I feel out of my depth. I am ok in situations where I feel I know what I am talking about, for example when with other parents, talking about kids, special needs stuff, talking about my family, friends etc. I don't even feel comfortable being left alone with my step FIL and step MIL and I've been with my boyfriend 4 years in may/june. I have only started feeling comfortable being left alone with mil in the last year. I am a waitress and find it difficult when people make (unfunny) jokes. I don't know how to respond or carry on the conversation. I sort of do this little laugh and then carry on with what I was doing. I am sure this comes across as rude or unfriendly.

I have always really struggled with phone calls. the only people I feel 100% comfortable ringing and answering the phone to are my mum, boyfriend and sister. I aways prefer to text or email. if I absolutely have to make one I worry about it for ages before hand, practising over and over in my head what to say. I have even paid a bank charge that I shouldn't have had cos I couldn't face ringing up to sort it out. even when friends ring I panick, ignore it, then text 5 mins after pretending i missed there call.

I get obsessed with researching things on the internet. not necessarily important things or things I particularly want to know. I just have this obsession with looking up things and then making lists of the things I have found out and more recently putting them onto pinterest.

do you think this sounds like I have asd or is it just my personality?

PolterGoose Sun 02-Mar-14 10:30:38

nappy smile it's all very familiar to me but I don't have a dx. I know I've discussed the phone thing with Summer before. I put off phone calls for ages and always use an alternative if possible.

Have you had a look at the tests linked on here?

nappyaddict Sun 02-Mar-14 11:37:08

I have seen that AQ test online but found it difficult to do as it wasn't just yes or no. I find it difficult to pick an option when the choices are agree, slightly agree, slightly disagree, disagree.

HoleySocksBatman Sun 02-Mar-14 12:09:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nappyaddict Sun 02-Mar-14 12:16:32

What other tests are there?

PolterGoose Sun 02-Mar-14 12:20:35

Here's the link to aspietests

HoleySocksBatman Sun 02-Mar-14 12:33:01

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RafaIsTheKingOfClay Sun 02-Mar-14 12:38:50

It's familiar to me too. But again I don't have a diagnosis and I do have a couple of other potential diagnoses that need considering/ruling out.

Those of you that went to your GP did you just say you thought you might have aspergers or did you take a list of issues or something with you? I have a feeling I'm going to be asked why I think that and then I'm going to go to pieces and not be able to give any reasons. Maybe I need to take something with me about aspergers/autism in adults and highlight the relevant bits.

HoleySocksBatman Sun 02-Mar-14 12:45:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RafaIsTheKingOfClay Sun 02-Mar-14 14:23:08

Might try printing something out from the NAS site and highlighting then. Did find something about 5-6 years ago about the time my younger cousin was getting a diagnosis about autism in girls and undiagnosed in adult women. It would have been really good but can't for the life of me find it now.

FanFuckingTastic Sun 02-Mar-14 14:28:49

Hello. I am dipping in again to ask you about how you experience your emotions.

I have been struggling recently with a lack of drive for anything, mostly spending my time sleeping or time wasting. I know this is depression and I know why, it's been triggered by multiple things which have turned into one big thing, me alone in a strange place with strange people.

However the other night, a text from my daughter's father triggered a massive feeling of what I can only describe as grief. I realised I am able to bottle up feelings without even being aware of it. That one trigger spilled out the contents of the bottled up stuff though, the absence of my children from my life. Day to day I cope with this fine, but it lead me to thinking about other emotions I choose not to feel at the time.

Guilt is one of them. Anger another. Grief and loneliness. All of them I can make disappear. Instead of feeling them all the time, I only feel them when they build up to a massive degree and I can't hold them in any more. Which often means I seem to be over reacting to something, the trigger event, by being over emotional in comparison to the event.

Does anyone else experience this at all? Since the cork came off my grief for losing my children (custody, not anything more serious) I have been physically hurting with grief, and I feel so alone and sad. Usually I am able to mask these feelings from myself, but not at the moment. How do you deal with it?

PolterGoose Sun 02-Mar-14 15:15:55

Fan (((hugs))) brew cake

I don't recognise what you describe in myself, and that might be just that I haven't reached my 'tipping point' yet for some things and for many things I'm not a masker at all, if I feel it I express it on the whole, I'm not very subtle.

However, my ds does behave similarly to how you describe, he masks and masks and masks a bit more, and then the emotional expression that gets exhibited once he reaches his 'tipping point' will always be extreme, either intense sadness and despair, including actual self-harm and/or talk of self-harm and suicide, or extreme rage and fury. There's no in between or grading of the emotions he expresses, it is always extreme. For him I use some CBT techniques and good old logic as well as sensory interventions which really help take the edge off for him.

For me, solitude is my healer. I cannot function without it.

GarlicMarchHare Sun 02-Mar-14 17:19:35

Oh, Fan, poor you flowers

What you're describing is a fairly normal case of post-traumatic stress. Being 'strong' often entails shutting off one's feelings, but they're still there and will make themselves known.

they build up to a massive degree and I can't hold them in any more. Which often means I seem to be over reacting to something - This is a perfect description of what happens when old emotional injuries have not yet been fully processed. Are you getting any therapy?

GarlicMarchHare Sun 02-Mar-14 17:22:31

... and, Fan, please do allow yourself to feel your grief. Let it surge through you: you won't die and the world will keep turning (though it may not feel that way, it's still true!) Make yourself as comfortable & safe as you can, then let it out in the ways that present themselves. Hugs.

SummerRain Sun 02-Mar-14 19:22:11

Oh fan flowers I can't imagine the hurt you must be living with on a daily basis and it's not hugely surprising you exploded.

I'm a masker too, when I'm not dealing with particular emotions I also get very tired and procrastinate everything. I hold stuff in and then something will trigger me and I'm a screaming, shouting, sobbing mess.

CrabbySpringyBottom Sun 02-Mar-14 19:49:01

So sorry to hear that Fan. flowers

FanFuckingTastic Mon 03-Mar-14 00:57:44

Thank you all for being so kind. I'm not so sure I deserve it, it was me who allowed myself to be manipulated into giving them up in the first place. I was struggling so much at the time, it seemed like the right thing to do for them and for me.

I think I convinced myself that I couldn't possibly be good for them because of how I am. I've spent years trying to fit in and I can't. I can't hold down a job, I can't maintain relationships. I thought I was a terrible mother, but now I realize that it was the one thing I was actually doing pretty good at, even with the difficulties my children had behaviourally. They weren't "my fault" as I thought, and I may have made them worse by giving them up and separating them from each other.

All I want now is to have a normal life with my children in it.

GarlicMarchHare Mon 03-Mar-14 02:02:06

You deserve kindness, of course you do. From others, like us, and from yourself. xx

PolterGoose Mon 03-Mar-14 07:32:00

Agree with Garlic, of course you deserve kindness flowers whatever choices you made, you made them because they felt like the best choice at that time, with the very best of intentions, that's not a bad thing, really it isn't.

SwayingBranches Mon 03-Mar-14 09:36:23

I never expected to come to this thread, but hanging round on the special needs boards since noticing ds2's issues flagged things up for me. I score should be looked at on the tests I've done but they're not hugely high. However, it does make so many things about my life make sense, social problems, other people's reactions to me, obsessions, issues with certain sounds and textures, some sensory seeking, being so clumsy.

Anyway, just parking this here because it's all quite overwhelming right now. Can't really get my head round it. I just assumed everyone approached the world this way inside. Though it does explain why people think I'm aggressive and lecturing when I'm just excited about sharing things I've learnt sad

SwayingBranches Mon 03-Mar-14 09:45:21

Also my incredible shyness as a child was probably selective mutism, and I had school (and social) phobia as a teen but ran away the morning I was supposed to see the ed psych and so my mum didn't push it and school was really nice. I also thought I was just massively gullible because I took things literally.

So many more things but shouldn't bore everyone with them.

HoleySocksBatman Mon 03-Mar-14 09:54:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PolterGoose Mon 03-Mar-14 09:56:12

Me too smile

Good luck tomorrow Holey, how are you today?

HoleySocksBatman Mon 03-Mar-14 10:02:00

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PolterGoose Mon 03-Mar-14 10:45:43

Yes, 'The Unknown' is awful.

Can you distract yourself at all today?

nappyaddict Mon 03-Mar-14 14:54:54

I too am a massive time waster and procrastinator. I'm doing it now in fact.

I woke up this morning feeling very positive. I had plans to watch a quick episode of something online, then tidy the house and then see a friend this afternoon. However I quickly popped onto the internet, started watching my programme, then checked to see if i had any notifications on facebok, which i did. I wanted to find something to post to someone that had commented on something i had shared in an autism group, so i went on google. Then i found myself searching the sn board on here. And before I know it my friend is knocking on the door and I haven't done anything.

She's just left and I started tidying up. Then I thought oh I'll just check the women who suspect they have ASD traits thread and here I am doing more time wasting!

HoleySocksBatman Mon 03-Mar-14 16:22:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PolterGoose Mon 03-Mar-14 16:25:07

Worrying is inevitable under the circumstances, just roll with it, this time tomorrow it'll be over and you'll be exhausted, make sure you can rest then flowers

HoleySocksBatman Mon 03-Mar-14 16:32:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SummerRain Mon 03-Mar-14 18:04:57

A workmate told me recently I come across as a bit of a bitch due to my aggressive way of tackling things. To me it's just getting on and doing the job but apparently to others I come across as pushy and controlling sad

GarlicMarchHare Mon 03-Mar-14 18:53:15

Nappyaddict, you've just described my day - every day! blush

SwayingBranches Tue 04-Mar-14 01:45:31

I suppose I'm a time waster too. Just things like cleaning have a much lower priority than learning new stuff online, for instance.

And here I am up at 1:30am as I've always had issues with insomnia, nothing too life disrupting, but a constant. I'm better when I exercise.

Does anyone else feel like they have two parts to their brain? Like one bit is doing life stuff but the other is simultaneously analysing it, the situation you're in, jotting down important things, making connections to all different kinds, and also being somewhere to slip into when, for example, there's pointless small talk going on. It can actually be quite tiring, and that's the part of my brain that causes insomnia usually, it feels like the front is going to sleep sometimes and the back is just doing fireworks and I can't shut it down. Hope I don't sound too strange!

SwayingBranches Tue 04-Mar-14 01:50:01

SummerRain I think it's all compounded by societal expectations of women. It's rubbish. You may come across more like that to the person that said it rather than other people anyway. I think telling someone they come across as a bit of a bitch isn't right! Why tell someone something negative like that?!

SwayingBranches Tue 04-Mar-14 03:12:33

I was just remembering this one time when I was playing as a kid. I had a doll and she was getting ready for work and then she left for work, and it felt like the most perfect piece of playing that had ever happened so I just made my doll do that over and over again!

SummerRain Tue 04-Mar-14 08:47:12

The person was drunk and was cackhandedly trying to warn me how my personality comes across and tell me that if I don't do things differently I'll get people's backs up. He genuinely didn't mean to be nasty but I'm sure he would have phrased it differently sober hmm Thing is, like you said I can almost guarantee if I was a man I'd just be seen as strong, single minded, determined. But as I'm a woman the same traits are viewed as pushing too hard and being aggressive confused

Funnily it's mostly other women that seem to have a problem with me, men are generally far less threatened. Which of course makes things even more difficult socially, as women we're automatically expected to get on with other women and any woman who gets on better with men is labelled all sorts of horrible things.

PolterGoose Tue 04-Mar-14 09:47:03

I can identify with all of that Summer I'm very similar.

Best wishes for Holey for today, thinking of you flowers

HoleySocksBatman Tue 04-Mar-14 10:13:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HoleySocksBatman Tue 04-Mar-14 10:14:48

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SummerRain Tue 04-Mar-14 10:17:26

Good Luck Holey flowers

(must get down to Primark myself and check out those t-shirts wink

HoleySocksBatman Tue 04-Mar-14 10:28:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GatoradeMeBitch Tue 04-Mar-14 10:49:03

Hi, I have a diagnosis of autism. My GP didn't want to refer me, in fact he was quite irritated that I even asked, so I paid for it myself. I didn't understand why I couldn't have confirmation of something I knew to be true! I haven't read through the thread yet but I will this evening.

Little bio? I was a 'weird' kid. I was always on my own, I couldn't keep friends because I just wanted someone to stand next to while I lived in my head ifkwim! I was pretty much a selective mute until the age of 19/20. Then I fell into a relationship with the first person to stalk me persevere with me, and had my son. When I was about 25 I read an article in the paper that listed the symptoms of this fancy new syndrome called Asperger's. It was like reading the first ever description of someone just like me. I should have asked for diagnosis then but it didn't occur to me.

When my son was eight, his teacher pulled me aside and said she thought he might have autism. It knocked me backwards that I didn't see that in him. He got diagnosed quite quickly, and has had support since, though he has many issues and says he wishes I'd never told him. I find this very odd because I would have loved to have known.

I am very functional now. I tend to be messy around the house which I hate, but there always seem to be more important things to do (I'm researching hypothyroidism on the internet at the moment). I don't have friends because I find the upkeep too tiring. I'm sure many people think I'm a coldfish but there's not much I can do about that. My family treat me in quite a 'care in the community' way "Are you alright? You ok there? Good!" I need to find a job, but I don't want to be around people all day. I never finish a course because there are always icebreakers, and public speaking and I tend to leave when those happen. I think I'm quite bright and I'm happy to sit in front of the laptop all day so I'd be a perfect candidate for virtual assisting/.researching, but sadly those jobs do not fall from the sky!

I'll cut this off before it becomes a proper essay. So, hi!

GatoradeMeBitch Tue 04-Mar-14 10:52:58

Oh, I just saw the end of that conversation! I lover the Primark shirts too! I really wanted the Miffy pyjama's. I haunted Primark for weeks looking for them but they must have sold out very quickly. Oh, also the Lionel Richie PJ's, I'm gutted I missed those. (Men's dept but I would still have worn them!) And I love the MLP stuff, but I haven't worn it out in public (38). If I didn't have to wait in for my new foster today I would be heading off on the bus for another snoop around!

GatoradeMeBitch Tue 04-Mar-14 10:53:33

*love not lover

(Sorry for how much I wrote above, it did turn into a bit of an essay!)

HoleySocksBatman Tue 04-Mar-14 12:59:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PolterGoose Tue 04-Mar-14 13:12:42

Oh no angry fuckety fuck from me

Argh I hate it when stuff like that happens holey.

HoleySocksBatman Tue 04-Mar-14 13:54:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nappyaddict Tue 04-Mar-14 14:44:01

"Under active thyroid, which despite being treated with thyroxine makes me swing between periods of utter exhaustion (when meds level not high enough) and horrendous anxiety (when meds too high)."

I too have an underactive thyroid. I constantly feel exhaused even my levels say they are OK. I have (probably stupidly) even stopped taking my tablets for 2 months so when I go for a blood test this week they will hopefully come back that my levels are too low and the GP will increase my meds. Will have to be careful though cos I didn't realise too high a dose can increase anxiety.

I always used to suffer with insomnia. My body clock was all over the place. I hated mornings, preferring to stay up all night on the net, chatting to friends, researching etc. I would probably still be like that now if I lived on my own, but moving in with DP has got me into a better routine where I try to go to bed as close to 10pm as possible. There were often days when DS was between 0 and 2 where he would be playing in his playroom and I would be in the computer room for most of the day. Saying that makes me feel terrible but I now know that was one of the biggest, earliest signs of him having ASD. A NT baby would just not have let me do that!! A few weeks ago when we were changing internet providers and DP said we would be without it for 1-2 weeks I couldn't sleep!! I felt so anxious, thinking what am I going to do all day? Which frankly sounds ridiculous really.

He also hates mess and clutter and gets cross if I waste the whole week doing nothing, whilst he is working a 50 hour week. I do have to force myself to do the housework cos it's just not a priority for me. I do get to a point where I think this house needs a clean and tidy but that point is probably a lot worse than most other people's and I do the bare minimum to get it back to what I consider an OK level. It actually stresses me out if it is too neat and tidy. It doesn't feel like my home and I don't feel at ease until there are a few things out of place again.

I personally hate routine. I can't make plans cos I hate sticking to things rigidly. I prefer to organise everything last minute and be spontaneous, doing things as I fancy them. However routine does make me function better. I found when DS was 2 and we started doing structured activities like toddler groups, music groups, dance groups, swimming classes, storytime etc parenthood was a lot better. I hated staying in with him on my own cos I got bored and didn't really enjoy just playing with him. I didn't mind if people came over cos then I was distracted.

The same with housework. If I plan a time in my head to do it and stick to that then it's in my mind that it's happening and I do tend to do it. If I don't then I just seem to not notice that I haven't done any for ages.

Was anyone else on here premature? I was born at 30 weeks.

As a child I was extrememly clumsy and I went for sessions with a person I called "the clumsy lady" I presume now she was an OT and I think if I had been born 15 years later I would have been diagnosed as dyspraxic.

I find hellos and goodbyes quite difficult. I find the whole hug/kiss goodbye thing really awkward and I don't know where to look. Even with people I love to bits it seems so false and pointless. But I do it cos it's what you do.

I also find bumping into people I know difficult. Even if they are really good friends I will try to avoid them, turn the other way, cross over the road etc cos I don't really like small talk. I don't see the point of it. I even find walking passed and just giving a smile or hello difficult, but you can't just not cos it's rude. As I'm approaching them I will feel really anxious and wonder how to act.

HoleySocksBatman Tue 04-Mar-14 15:04:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nappyaddict Tue 04-Mar-14 16:20:41

I don't know where I fit in then - I think I get mild (as in the kind where I'm not 100% sure if it's all in my head and convince myself I haven't got it) anxiety and mild depression. But not really paranoia, the lack of motivation and drive kind of depression.

Goddammit!! I said I would spend an hour online. Got to 50 minutes and thought yeah I'm pretty much done I'm actually going to do this. Then started looking at make up reviews and have lost another 90 minutes!!

FanFuckingTastic Tue 04-Mar-14 16:24:19

Hello again. I'm here to admit I've cut myself off from the world over the last week. I've missed three appointments which were important and I'm not communicating with people very much either.

I've had a bit of a shit time, but this isn't a good sign for me. What do you do to stop this kind of behaviour?

PolterGoose Tue 04-Mar-14 16:34:27

What's worked in the past Fan?

FanFuckingTastic Tue 04-Mar-14 16:41:39

I really don't know, I've never been in this situation alone before. I've always had the kids or my mum or my friends. I could perhaps reach out to my DV officer, she's been pretty good recently, but I know she is very busy. My doctor here doesn't know me either.

GatoradeMeBitch Tue 04-Mar-14 17:15:01

Have you underactivethyroids tried supplementing with coconut oil? Or trying a different type of medication, like liothyronine?

Hypothyroidism tends to go hand in hand with adrenal gland fatigue/exhaustion, and if you are not perfectly medicated, things just get worse over time. NHS testing can tell you you're fine on paper, but if you feel like shit you need to know your numbers (I am told I am fine as long as my number is under 5 - I can't function if it's over 2) and you need to be tested for things like iron, vit b12 and vit d deficiency.

The HealthUnlocked thyroid board is fantastic if you are having issues. https://healthunlocked.com/thyroiduk/questions

PolterGoose Tue 04-Mar-14 17:21:57

Fan it doesn't matter if she's busy, she will want to support you, and she will prioritise her work to support those of you most in need, please ring her, or text if that's easier smile

HoleySocksBatman Tue 04-Mar-14 18:16:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GatoradeMeBitch Tue 04-Mar-14 20:44:21

Sadly my GP only tests me for TSH, I have no idea about Free T3, T4, all of that. If anyone knows of a decent GP in the Bicester area please let me know!

HoleySocksBatman Wed 05-Mar-14 11:15:48

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PolterGoose Wed 05-Mar-14 11:21:33

Fan how are you today?

And you too Holey how are you doing?

HoleySocksBatman Wed 05-Mar-14 11:35:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GatoradeMeBitch Wed 05-Mar-14 11:40:03

I can relate to a lot of what you say nappyaddict. I often leave family gatherings without saying good bye to extended family, I can't stand the feeling of everyone looking at you as you make your way through them all! One year my (drunk) brother said something that made me think they talk about me behind my back and think I'm rude.

My family are difficult though, typical Daily Mail readers (apologies to any DM readers here, but they are!). They know I struggle with a lot of things, but they don't believe in autistic spectrum disorders. And they laugh at the fact that I drink a lot when we all go out. It's how I cope, it's not for fun!

HoleySocksBatman Wed 05-Mar-14 11:49:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GatoradeMeBitch Wed 05-Mar-14 16:04:05

My AQ score is 43. Just want to write that down here in case I need to know it in future.

PolterGoose Wed 05-Mar-14 16:17:29

Gator this thread will disappear 90 days after it began as it's in SN Chat, but it's got about 2 months to go yet.

Crap, you know when things just fall out of your mouth before you can even think? That.
I just said 'Jesus Christ' in response to a fright by someone coming in the room at work (everyone is in a meeting I have my iPod on, earphones in and a Hoover on). He's very Christian. Luckily je made a joke out of it but I try so so hard not to use blasphemy around Christians. Huge fail. (sorry if this offends anyone).

He not je.

GatoradeMeBitch Wed 05-Mar-14 23:20:33

Oh right, I'll jot it down somewhere in RL then. (I got 197 on the RAADS one)

I just read the thread from the beginning. I was shocked that so many of you have bad relationships with your mothers. Mine is schizophrenic, but underlying that, I'm sorry to say, is a pretty rotten personality to start with. She is domineering and loud, and very arrogant. I think she may have at least been partly to blame for my selective mutism as a kid. In my house you either kept quiet or got shouted into a corner.

And it was cool to see spinning mentioned! I've always done this. At least once a day I draw the curtains, put my ipod on and spin round the room to music. It seems to reset my levels if that makes sense. As a kid my siblings/parents used to walk in on me spinning round, and now my ds does. There has never been a conversation about it, but now I'm thinking I will; discuss it with my son.

Last thing - I have a confession and I hope it doesn't piss you off - I don't have a diagnosis. I lied about that. I didn't lie about my GP being irritated with me though. Previously when I've tried to join in with ASD conversations, I've felt like a self-diagnosis didn't cut it with the other people, and coming in at the tail end of the thread, I assumed it would be the same here. Sorry. I would like a diagnosis, but can't afford to pursue one privately, and my GP is like a great bloody Kraken who takes it upon himself to protect NHS funds unless you're actually dying in front of him. (Please don't tell me to change GP's, too stressy...)

Meglet Thu 06-Mar-14 22:13:39

<<big sigh>>

Poor little 5yo DD is such hard work at the moment. She has her first appointment in May but that feels like an age away. Her sleep is especially bad, she's getting nightmares now she's at school sad. She's like a mini-me and it's quite distressing thinking she might be a repeat of my life. I'm just hoping we both get an official diagnosis sooner rather than later. I reckon we're ok until she's a teenager then it could implode.

Her teacher saw her have a meltdown with me so even though she says she is ok in class (and I'm sure she is) she was sympathetic when I was chatting to her about it.

gatorade I don't have a diagnosis. But I have nearly a full house of ASD traits. And DD is on her way. 7yo DS seems like he's just on the cusp but he's a clever little sausage and Mr Popular at school (unlike me and DD who are lone wolves) so I think he'll be ok as long as he does well at school.

HoleySocksBatman Fri 07-Mar-14 09:47:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PolterGoose Fri 07-Mar-14 10:02:33

Holey it'll be fine smile flowers

Ds is a strange combination of me and dp, the sensory and hypermobility definitely come from me even if I don't have AS, the pessimistic nihilism comes from dp.

FanFuckingTastic Fri 07-Mar-14 10:04:03

Hello, thanks for inquiring about my situation. It's not any worse, and there's hope in the future for it to get better, so I am weathering the storm as well I can. Distracting myself with my friend's SKY TV and knitting, so I don't constantly worry about stuff. I am so very lucky she puts me up for nothing, and comes and visits me often so that I am not alone, I know many people wouldn't be in such a good situation. I do worry about being found here, but stuff is underway to sort out a move to a different area.

I know that my hiding away and excessive sleeping is to do with this worry about my situation, it's overloading me and making going out harder, as I reach a shut off point where I just can't deal with all the stimulation going out brings. It's odd because I am lonely at the same time and want human contact, but can't deal with it right now. All I can say is that time will hopefully rectify the situation. I have to try today to go out to the council for a food bank token, so I am trying really hard to break out of this worry, I need to be able to eat over the weekend, so I'm being very firm with myself.

PolterGoose Fri 07-Mar-14 10:10:47

Fan glad you're going to get out today, I don't have a fraction of the stuff you have to deal with and I really struggle to get out. Take it easy and look after yourself smile flowers

nappyaddict Fri 07-Mar-14 11:23:13

I have never had a good relationship with my mother. she has always been a loon, made worse when my db passed away aged 21. it was at its worse when me and ds lived there for 5 loooooong years. she interfered and took over. I let her cos to start with I was glad of the help and then gradually she was taking over more and more and even though we had rows about it I couldn't get her to stop. the only way would have been to give up my job as an evening waitress so she didn't have to look after ds. I should have done it years ago.

I am trying to switch jobs now but have only had 1 interview. I can't work evenings or weekends as dp wants to go back to college on evenings and cut back the 2 nights ds has to stay at my mums to 1. dp also wants me on salary rather than hourly to get a cheaper mortgage. he wants me to go and see his step mum to talk about application and interview techniques but I really don't feel comfortable about it. I know it will help me but I just can't bring myself to go on my own and dp is refusing to come. he just gets angry about all the excuses cos I need to change my job so he can study for a better one. I know all this but i still don't do it.

FancyAnOlive Fri 07-Mar-14 23:11:08

Lots of what you have all written us true for me also, I am realising more and more how many ASD traits I have. Marking my place but will come back to write more.

nappyaddict Sat 08-Mar-14 08:29:06

Me too. I'm not sure if this thread is helpful or not. It is making me think I have more and more traits but it is also making me act like I have. I don't know if it's because the thread is making me feel more relaxed to be my real self or if it's all in my head and I'm just acting like this because I think I have it. I hope that makes sense. It's all a bit garbled in my head.

Yesterday we had to have a gas safety check. I really didn't want it whilst I was in the house by myself but DP arranged it. I was certain they were meant to come between 10 and 10:30 because DP had told the landlord I was leaving for work at 11:30. So I was all set to just pretend I was out when it got to 10:30 and they hadn't come. But then I doubted myself and thought I might have got the time wrong so better let him in. It got to 11:30 and he was still here. I didn't know how to say to him you need to go now I'm going to be late for work. I got myself ready, put my coat and shoes on etc and finally he left 18 minutes later. I had to run to work luckily I was only 2 minutes late in the end. I feel ridiculous that I would wait and run to work instead of just saying you need to go.

HoleySocksBatman Sat 08-Mar-14 14:34:21

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HoleySocksBatman Mon 10-Mar-14 19:52:42

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PolterGoose Mon 10-Mar-14 19:54:35

I thought of you earlier Holey and couldn't get a signal, how do you feel?

HoleySocksBatman Mon 10-Mar-14 19:57:44

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PolterGoose Mon 10-Mar-14 20:16:33

I can imagine smile

FanFuckingTastic Mon 10-Mar-14 22:32:44

Hey you lot. Just met my mum's sort of boyfriend for the first time, she's really happy and I am glad about that. Some people aren't because it's only been five months since her husband passed, but I don't understand that at all. She's met someone nice, I know Jim would want her to live life and be happy, she's had so much stress to deal with, surely anyone would just be glad for her? This is one of the things I don't get, I see things simply, and they go and make it all complicated.

I had some trouble with him, mostly me being me, lack of eye contact and not understanding his jokes so looking blank when I should have laughed, but even still I liked him enough to let him hug me goodnight.

It got me thinking about how acceptable people find some things. I often find outrageous things entirely acceptable and normal because I don't have the context to find them unacceptable. I embarrass people who are more "proper" because I find things acceptable to talk about which they don't. I thought that was maybe why I have so many unusual and interesting friends, because I don't have that bubble of "normality" around me where I judge people based on what my norms are. So in a way, it's a positive thing about Aspergers.

Saying that, I can be extremely judgmental about some things that I feel very strongly about, my mum says I see in black and white and have very strong opinions. Usually related to things like racism, sexism etc, sometimes unreasonable things like how other people choose to do things that I feel are wrong. It's weird because it's a dichotomy, sometimes I am so accepting that it's unusual, and others I am absolutely not because I cannot understand the other point of view.

Do any of you identify with any of this?

PolterGoose Tue 11-Mar-14 06:23:09

Yes Fan, I identify a lot with that shock

kyz1981 Thu 13-Mar-14 15:01:00

Can I join, The penny has recently dropped that I am on the spectrum, My son has ASD/SPD and a Lang disorder and my DD I also suspect is at the higher functioning end of the spectrum. My Dad was HFA although never diagnosed and my Hubby has traits.

I have never had a ASD diagnosis but was diagnosed with Anorexia and Anxiety as a teen.

I have lived blissfully in ignorance up until now and its only recently that I have accepted I am crap in social situations, I think I have been ok up until now as I have always worked so always had a guide to conversation, but since my DD started school I realise I am crap at reading people and can't sustain light conversation in general, I either turn it around and dominate the conversation or it just fizzles really quickly.

In going back in to adult learning I have realised when doing Math and English how very literal I am in some things and I realise now how this had had a massive impact on me understanding some concepts at school.

I am finding it really difficult now I know this information as it has made me much more aware of how crap I am in social situations and made it much more anxiety reducing, I also hate being centre of attention and like to blend in which is impossible with my DS.

fan I also identify with almost all that you have written but especially with the last bit - I am so like that.

WinterBranches Fri 14-Mar-14 11:26:37

fan, you describe me rather well! I have realised that I collect eccentric acquaintances.

I'm good at cutting through nonsense. I do try not to share too much with others as they are so sensitive to logical analysis of their problems.wink

Sadly I offended someone this week by blurting out about why I find a certain behaviour selfish, of course she had just been saying it was justified in her own case..I wouldn't have been bothered by the difference of opinion but I forgot that I am supposed to make reassuring noises then complain about it behind her back.

I have (when concentrating really hard) made a reasonable success of getting on with others and enjoying it. It has been harder when life gets trickier and I have less chance to think it all through.

HoleySocksBatman Mon 17-Mar-14 10:03:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.