Please note that threads in this topic are removed from the archive 90 days after the thread was started. If you would like your thread to be retrievable for longer than that, please choose another topic in which to post it. Our SN area is not a substitute for expert advice. While many Mumsnetters have a specialist knowledge of special needs, if they post here they are posting as members, not experts. There are, however, lots of organisations that can help - some suggestions are listed here.

My Ds has just spent the past ten minutes hitting me .

(36 Posts)

I can't take it , it hurts .
He is only 4.11 , what have I done so wrong.

HeySoulSister Sat 05-Oct-13 18:18:37

Why are you letting him? Move him away from you

You haven't done anything.

Is he hitting as in play fighting or in a temper?

Its not so easy to move him away he is very strong & has Aspergers , I can't even lift him

I wouldn't let him in the garden hmm

Wasn't play fighting he was hitting me with a hair brush

morethanpotatoprints Sat 05-Oct-13 18:23:32

You poor love, will he stop if you are crying and telling him he's hurting you.
Can you distance yourself from him without him becoming unsafe himself.
When this is over you need to speak to somebody about restraining tactics as with age and growth this could be severe for you.
I hope he has stopped.
Are you ok?

tinyturtletim Sat 05-Oct-13 18:23:41

Take the hair brush and push him out of the room and hold the door shut so he cannot get in to you. Wait until he calms down

Do you have any support?

Dp is at work , he has stopped now .

He doesn't understand emotions iyswim sad

I'm struggling to get any outside help as school say hr is the perfect child and so well behaved hmm

notwoo Sat 05-Oct-13 18:33:18

You poor thing.
But he is only going to get bigger and stronger and will hurt you or others more if you don't find a way to help him.
Is he in mainstream or special?
He may not understand emotions but he needs to learn about them - has anyone done any work on social stories with him? Or recognising facial expressions?

ImperialBlether Sat 05-Oct-13 18:33:30

It's good that he's behaving in school, but that sounds really awful at home and frightening, too, if he's so strong. Does your doctor believe you when you tell him/her what it's like at home?

SummerRain Sat 05-Oct-13 18:33:53

Just, you might want to ask mnhq to move this to SN where posters will understand.

I'm sorry you're having a rough day, I've been there (often) and it's horrible.

You've done nothing wrong, just keep supporting your ds... You'll get better at reading his mood and avoiding triggers as he gets older.

What happens if you stop him from attacking you? If you grabbed him in a bear hug from behind with his arms by his sides would he start to calm down or meltdown completely?

Peacocklady Sat 05-Oct-13 18:35:20

Poor you it's horrible, so upsetting and infuriating at the same time.
Try to stay calm when it happens, say I know you're frustrated /cross but it's not ok to hit and stop him. Get behind him and lift him under the arms to his room to calm down if he won't go of his own accord.
Say you will open the door when he's stopped shouting etc. and make sure he is properly calm and have a cuddle and move on.
it will be hideous the first few times but it gets better. My ds (8) is exhausted and very contrary at the moment to put it mildly but he will do 5 m in his room and emerge like a different person. It took a while but it works now.

FlapJackOLantern Sat 05-Oct-13 18:41:26

You poor love, will he stop if you are crying and telling him he's hurting you

That's now how Aspergers works morethan. Lack of empathy and all that.

When my son started hitting I moved away, or shut myself in another room. And then he got a severe sanction.

Peacocklady Sat 05-Oct-13 18:59:59

Can I ask what kind of help were you hoping for?
If he is ok in school that's good, it means he doesn't need help there.
It sounds like it's at home you need the help with managing him. As he has a diagnosis, you could maybe have access to groups that help. Or were you hoping for medication? (Not asked in a judgemental way whatsoever).

What sort of things set him off? Is it mainly not getting his own way? Does he sleep ok?

Summer he would have a complete meltdown - head butting etc sad

Not He is in a very small prep school with only 12 others in his class as he would not cope in a main stream school

morethanpotatoprints Sat 05-Oct-13 19:12:24

Flap

Thank you, my ds wasn't diagnosed until 17 and was completely different.
Really just wanted to keep the post up so others could respond before it disappeared.
It must be really difficult, my ds had other problems but didn't get violent with frustration.

dd1 gets like this too. she has adhd and aspergers. she is 8 years old, 143cm tall and weighs 26 kilo's. its really hard as they seem to have superhuman strength. she doesnt tend to aim her anger at me, but mostly at her siblings, especially ds1 (nearly 15) and dd2 who is 7. she has given ds1 a nosebleed before, and he cant hold her despite being 5 foot 9 and over 10 stone. i have to bear hug her and sing to her to calm her down, although giving her food often works too.

Peacock I don't know what help I expect , he doesn't yet have a formal diagnosis but it is blatantly obvious to everybody outside of school .
I have to just leave him to burn his temper out which can take hours .
After 4 1/2 years of minimal sleep my Doctor finally caved & gave him Melatonin which works 4 out of 7 nights a week

Oops that was a bit of a ramble sorry blush

FavoriteThings Sat 05-Oct-13 19:21:38

I too think you need to ask MNHQ to move this over to the special needs board. I am pretty sure they will be able to help you loads. Your subject heading does not mention his aspergers which is an important point of all of this so your thread may get a bit overlooked.

bsc Sat 05-Oct-13 19:21:41

Dd(suspected aspergers) does this. We have to shut her in her room, until she calms down. She's 7, and already destroyed 1 door hmm

Trigglesx Sat 05-Oct-13 19:22:28

justaquickone Is he behaving this way afterschool? Is there a possibility that he is just holding it all in during the school day and exploding when he gets home?

DS1 has a couple "safe" places and "safe" activities that he can do when he is upset, as it helps him calm down. If there are particular things that he likes to focus on that will help him calm down, can you redirect him to that, and then when he's calm, have a short discussion with him regarding the hitting and behaviour?

I also agree there is a lot of support on the MN SNs boards. It's worth popping over there if you are comfortable with that.

SummerRain Sat 05-Oct-13 19:27:21

Justa... Has he been investigated for ADHD as well?

My ds is similar, angelic in school but saves it all up for home. Have you tried videotaping him in meltdown and showing the professionals so they can see what you mean. Sometimes when theres a change in behaviour between home and school parents are thought to be exaggerating the problems at home.

What's he like during the holidays? Is school triggering the meltdowns? If so you need to find out what's happening at school that's unsettling him. Lots of kids like him won't react at the time but will store it all up until home and then explode.

Have asked for this to be moved smile

Triggle As soon as he walks out of the school sport he starts attacking me/Dp swearing hitting etc yet none of the teachers ever notice

Summer yes they are investigating for ADHD to .
He was the same in the school holidays so it is definitely not school that's the trigger .
I have spent days trying to figure out what his trigger is and im still none the wiser

ImperialBlether Sat 05-Oct-13 19:44:20

Do you want the teachers to notice? Sorry if that sounds flippant. I wondered whether it would be better for the teachers to notice so that they can then back you up in your search for help for him. If so, could you ask one to follow him out of the school so that they can see what happens?

Imperial It would certainly help if they did notice .
I managed to speak to his Teacher the other day & told her everything that was happening and she was shocked , though I swear I have told her before and it is all in his file as he went to Nursery their

ImperialBlether Sat 05-Oct-13 20:02:46

You need to have a film of his behaviour, justaquickone. If he behaves differently with others and if those other people can make a difference, you need to show them what he's like.

It sounds so difficult; I'm so sorry.

Shellywelly1973 Sat 05-Oct-13 20:44:22

My DS has a diagnosis of ASD&ADHD.

He is very physically aggressive hes 8. He has incredible strength.

When he gets physical, I aways warn him there will be consequences...always.

DS has no empathy so its impossible to make him see how he makes others feel.

So although its not ideal, if he behaves in a way we don't allow there is a direct consequence. Cause & affect. He hates it but I don't know how else to manage him. He attends a special school & they restrain him but I really feel its to easy just to restrain rather then teach him that behaviour isn't acceptable.

Its bloody hard. Take care...

TheCrumpetQueen Sat 05-Oct-13 20:46:26

What part of the country are you?

Imperial Thanks ill try and get one

crumpets I'm North West on the Coast

Shelly Yes it is very hard , I try with the consequences and it does work though not often , If it wasn't for my Ds going to the nursery where he attends school now i honestly think he would be in a special school as he would not of coped at all with the size if classes etc flowers

Peacocklady Sun 06-Oct-13 07:41:44

One thing you could do would be to google parent partnership and you can get in touch with someone in your area who can maybe help.

Some other things I'd try and do at home would be to have predictable routines like getting dressed, broken into stages and written out or done in pictures, limited time on gaming/tv avoiding violent games especially, one to one play activities with you and your undivided attention, preparation for visits by talking and showing pics, avoid shopping with him where possible (!), clear warning and time frame for when something will end and a calm consistent approach to tantrums. Don't let tantrums achieve anything!

It must be frustrating when others don't see it but try and be grateful for that, build on the positives, diagnosis and support takes ages and any you get will come in the form of helping you to manage him so the earlier you start the better. No one knows him more than you but if there's conflicting evidence about his behaviour things will not happen quickly, sounds like you've had a taste of it with the melatonin. Don't give up, be strong x

DS2 has Aspergers and ADHD, thankfully not agressive, but there have been times when his behaviour was very difficult to manage.

The school SENCO recommended a course called Managing Behaviour in Children With Additional Needs, run by an external organisation. It really helped, gave me some strategies and also more confidence. I will try to find out who ran it. The course was free of charge.

http://www.familiesinfocus.co.uk/

I realise this is based in Hertfordshire, but if you email them, they might know of something similar in the North West.

Thanks Three ill have a look

PolterGoose Sun 06-Oct-13 15:46:51

Hi justa I'm another mother of an angry child who has Aspergers. My ds is 10 now and it has got a lot easier to manage as he's got older and his thinking skills have improved! At that age I found that predictable routines and picture timetables helped, physical activity and making sure he was never hungry, thirsty or needing a wee or poo - he has always had real problems recognising physical signs and these all made him much more angry.

Sensory processing difficulties often contribute to temper problems so if he hasn't already been referred to an OT do request it. 'The Out of Sync Child' is a good book about this and has lots of activities to try.

It is also really common for children with Aspergers to appear to have really good language skills which actually hides some communication/language problems, it really helps to use very clear and simple instructions, so you say his name and give the instruction in as few words as you can use eg "Jeff, coat on please" or "Bob, carrots or peas?" Allow extra time for him to process requests, count to 6 slowly in your head before you check he heard and actually understood you!

Read stuff, learn stuff, keep a diary, make notes, try out strategies, video stuff that mostly happens at home.

Look at the National Autistic Society website and find out if any of their 'Help!' courses are running near you, we did one on anger and Aspergers and it was very good.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now