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problem with partner who has aspergers

(16 Posts)
cansu Wed 02-Apr-14 22:30:31

My partner and I have two children with asd. In recent years my partner has finally discussed the elephant in the room that he very clearly has some form of high functioning autism. This causes lots of issues in our relationship which we mainly muddle through by me making compromises and in many ways protecting him from stuff he finds stressful. We have however hit a big problem. I have had to move jobs recently as my job was coming to an end. I have found a great job and was lucky enough to be appointed recently due to start in Sept. The problem is that I have been asked to attend a training session at my partner's workplace in his dept as there are close links between our two employers. My partner is very upset. he doesn't want to mix up home and work and is insisting I call in sick on this day so he doesn't have to cope with this. I don't want to because it will make me look unreliable to my brand new employer. We have just had a massive row about this. I honestly don't know what to do.

Anniecarrieson Wed 02-Apr-14 22:36:01

Well, I think you are right in that you can't ring in sick. In any case, presumably you would have to do this training some time?

What are the other options? He takes leave, or even phones in sick, himself? Or you both work through his anxiety about this, using your expertise in strategies you have found useful for him and your DC? Is it a knee jerk reaction and with some preparation he will come round?

cansu Wed 02-Apr-14 22:43:25

Training is not vital tbh but there is every chance something else will come up and the same problems will arise. I think you are right we need to work through this but in many ways it is harder to deal with dp than with the children. Since he 'admitted' he was on the spectrum his willingness to deal with any issues has worsened. His stock phrase now is ' I can't cope with this. You never understand how it feels for me'. or 'You know I can't deal with that'. I am not sure how this one will end.

PolterGoose Thu 03-Apr-14 08:00:59

cansu I'm not diagnosed (yet) but would have the same response as your dh, it would completely freak me out blush I honestly don't know what we'd do in that situation (thankfully we work in very different sectors), but I can understand his position.

troutsprout Thu 03-Apr-14 09:16:14

Can he take leave that day?
Hope it works out

HoleySocksBatman Fri 04-Apr-14 07:51:14

I would be weirded out by that myself.

FWIW DH and i are both on the spectrum, officially diagnosed.

FanjoForTheMammaries Fri 04-Apr-14 07:54:56

That's hard. It wouldn't occur to me to think anything of it either (am NT) but obviously it's hard for him.

I wouldn't back down but would be sympathetic and try and get him to tell you what bothers him about it, and reassure him.

Which is so much easier said than done I know.

FanjoForTheMammaries Fri 04-Apr-14 07:55:33

Can he write down his worries about what could happen?

FanjoForTheMammaries Fri 04-Apr-14 07:56:59

Also can he be referred by GP for DX and maybe support? Are there books he could read about HFA/AS in adults and coping? Online support groups?

bluebirdonmyshoulder Fri 04-Apr-14 13:54:20

That sounds very tricky and your post has made me think. My first thought if that were to happen to DH and I would be "Cool, how nice, I get to see Mr Bluebird at work!!!"

The responses from other posters make me realise that scenario may be very different for people on the spectrum. Can he take annual leave that day? Or work from home? You obviously MUST go, you would absolutely look terrible to a new employer if you were off sick on a training day so I think the solution has to be a sound and easy one for him now and if this may become a regular occurrence then you need some other strategies.

I'm assuming work are unaware of his concerns? Is there a sympathetic line manager he could talk to?

cansu Fri 04-Apr-14 16:07:31

Thanks guys. I think he is going to take the day off. Once I am more established it might be easier for us to negotiate if it comes up again.

alita7 Fri 04-Apr-14 21:18:39

See I believe that if you are an adult with a form of autism that you are aware of but you are 'normal' (hate using that but it's you know what I mean) enough to function as most adults do then you have a responsibility to try and overcome your problems where possible with the support of others. so as I don't think most adults would have a problem, well I wouldn't anyway as I don't have a problem with people at work knowing my DP, he should find a way to get round this being difficult for him, clearly he is out of his comfort zone having you somewhere you shouldn't be but as a functioning adult he should also be able to understand that it is important when starting a new job to give a good impression and attend training. as long as you explain that you do understand why he feels that way but that he needs to be 'big" (what my DP who may or may not be somewhere on the spectrum, but dsd 3 has asd and he does have asd traits, calls it when he does something he finds difficult that other adults do all the timer)

alita7 Fri 04-Apr-14 21:18:50

oops sent too Early

alita7 Fri 04-Apr-14 21:21:02

anyway, my opinion is that he needs to find a solution, not you. so he needs to be off or avoid the department you'll be in rather than you missing what could be important training.

PolterGoose Fri 04-Apr-14 21:26:08

alita 'functioning' for some people (most?) with ASDs is like walking a tightrope, it only takes a slight breeze and you lose your balance. I don't even have a diagnosis but my 'functioning' is very fragile.

zzzzz Sun 06-Apr-14 01:28:19

I don't think saying he "should be able to cope" is really going to make much difference. There are lots of things I should be able to do, that I find really tough.

I wouldn't find Dh coming to work (though I don't work any more) a problem, but that's neither here nor there if OP's Dh does. I have to admit I am slightly fascinated that this could be an issue. Just goes to show I am not all knowing after all, as it wouldn't have crossed my mind! The only equivalent I can think of is I don't really like having my friends round when Dh is working from home. For some reason I find him being upstairs really off putting. Perhaps it's a similar vibe??? Anyway your Dh will have to take the day off as you can't possibley skip training at the new job it will look dire. I don't phone in sick unless I'm sick, but surely he has some time left this year?

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