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DS punched DH in the face this morning [sad]

(12 Posts)
KeepOnKeepingOn1 Sun 23-Mar-14 09:30:39

I am really confused atm

It seems like I can't leave the room without WW3 breaking out - usually because DH over-reacts and takes the side of DS2 in conflicts with DS1.

Because I am never in the room at the time I never really know what has happened. DS1 will go into elaborate detail of how DH deliberately tripped him up, slammed him against a wall, threatened to punch him etc. I'll ask DS2 whether he saw any of this but he will say he didn't really notice because he was busy playing with his new hexbugs thing (it's his birthday today - poor sod sad). This is a lose/lose situation for him - by backing up his brother or dad he damns the other.

DH is definitely too reactive and escalates DS1's behaviour (this is not hard to be fair). After whatever happened DH loudly lectured DS1 telling him he had gone too far and he had two hours to apologise or DH would cancel the direct debit for his iphone. DS1 said 'fuck you'. Then DH wanted an apology for DS1 swearing. I am too tired to explain to him yet again why every little bit of this is the wrong approach sad

DS1 and DS2 spend 15 minutes telling me their worries and concerns re DH after which I am thinking 'he definitely has to go' but then DS1 will switch and claim that he made it all up, that it is all his fault, that he lost his temper and attacked Dad and he will become very distressed and want to apologise to DH.

What the hell do I do? Is anybody more removed able to see what I may be missing - I do have a tendency to be blind to the bleedin' obvious?

PolterGoose Sun 23-Mar-14 10:41:43

Oh Keep (((hugs))) brew

Happy birthday mini-Keep cake

Does DH accept that he over-reacts? Or does he think he is right? Do you think ds1 is over-reacting when he says DH tripped him up etc? I know my ds will catastrophise and a teeny brush past will be felt as a punch because of his mixed up sensory processing.

Does DH read anything or talk about best ways to deal with it all? Does he need introducing to the Ross Greene stuff maybe? How active is he in all the parenting/school etc stuff?

Any chance DH is on spectrum, my dp almost certainly is and it can mean he's very rigid and inflexible, whereas our ds actually needs the opposite. It's tricky.

KeepOnKeepingOn1 Sun 23-Mar-14 10:54:13

Thanks Poltersmile

DS1 explained further. He wanted to build the hex bug thing to the letter of the instructions whereas DS2 is a free spirit who refuses to be bound by instructions. DS1 only tried to take over after I had left the room. He was aware that he was stressed - having difficulty assembling the toy - but forgot how to calm himself. Enter DH. Escalation followed by attack.

DH is mostly likely on the spectrum but he might just be an arse. grin No seriously though his dad appears to be and DH completely lacks empathy. Eye contact used to be an issue when he was younger. I've insisted that he read, attend courses, talk to ASD outreach etc and he has been taking ADs for a couple of months. He's not read The Explosive Child though. This may help and he might just recognise himselfwink

PolterGoose Sun 23-Mar-14 11:00:51

He might be on the spectrum and be an arse wink

Hope the day improves

KeepOnKeepingOn1 Sun 23-Mar-14 11:08:15

That's the beauty of a bad start - things can only get better smile

zzzzz Sun 23-Mar-14 11:18:48

"DS1 will go into elaborate detail of how DH deliberately tripped him up, slammed him against a wall, threatened to punch him etc."

Answer honestly, could this be true?

If the answer is "Yes, when Dh has ds1 in his sights and thinks he needs dealing with " Then I think you need to supervise ALL the time.

If the answer is "My Dh would never do any of those things and I know ds1 extrapolates" then you need to talk to ds about perception/honesty. It may take years. You and Dh would need to come up with clear consequences to bad behaviour that don't include physical violence, shouting or demeaning your boys.

I think we all deal with this to some degree. It is SO draining and I think something we should all talk about more.

Honk honk honk honk

KeepOnKeepingOn1 Sun 23-Mar-14 11:55:11

DS1 explained that he tripped over his own feet whilst trying to punch DH and that this made things worse and so he really did punch DH quite hard in the face.

He said that the reason he claims that DH bullies him or verbally abuses him is to get his own way and that he thought that was the end of it, that he did not think that it may affect how I might feel about DH or what the consequences might be.

He thinks that because he frequently acts this way, it is 'normal' and therefore has no effect on me and DS2.

He says that the reason he punches DH is because he has punched him before and he does nothing and never fights him back whereas he does not punch me because he does not know what I might do. I laughed as I did not realise that he thought that I might fight back but he just thought that I might ground him for a long time grin

I hate the nagging doubt feeling that DS1 just might be telling the truth and that I lack the social skills to tell. If this is not true (which I know its not) then my moments of doubt are the result of being manipulated by DS1 - he has been doing this for years. Which makes me rather gullible.

Same situation, different house. My DS does blow things out of proportion. He says do has punched/thrown/pushed him. He wouldn't as he knows once and he is gone. I don't tolerate violence (which is ironic as DS can frequently be so).
Do does however over react. A lot. I do a lot of talking with him about it when he tolerates it. Frequent reminders about how to behave an soften I have to put the fact he is being a complete man child and arse in a 'shit sandwich' so he takes it on board. Sometimes writing it is the only way.

Dp not do. Autocorrect fails me again.

Swanhildapirouetting Sun 23-Mar-14 15:46:32

It is very horrible when things escalate. I think the first thing you have to do with your dh is take him aside when he is in a good mood and things are going well, and discuss how you want to handle situations when ds1 behaves badly. And get him to write it down perhaps. And write down what you are going to do, just so you feel like equals, dealing with a difficult situation together.

We've had some recent situations in our house where it has become blindingly obvious that shouting at the children when they do unreasonable infuriating things completely backfires. I had to sit down with dh and say, yes I know you are taking them to a football match (which you don't especially want to go, to make them HAPPY, and you've taken them 10 times before (for their benefit), and they should know by now to wear their coats and put their shoes on when you ask (this is an 12 and a 13 year old) but your reaction to their complete and utter ineptitude is not going to improve your exit from this premises.

I think the other thing is that you shouldn't involve your poor ds2. He shouldn't have to say what happened.

Also my ds1 reacts extremely badly to the slightest touch or slight. He will claim you have hurt him when you have accidentally buttoned up his coat too roughly, or brushed against him in the corridor. So your dh needs to know that your ds1 will overreact. But that also means he is going to overreact to any reaction. I suspect your ds1 loves his Dad but also sees things in black and white which means when his Dad upsets him Ds1 is right, but when he thinks he upset Dad then he is completely in the wrong, hence the backtracking.

Sometimes my son will say things like You hate me don't you, when we have criticized some action..and it takes a while to explain we don't hate him, just don't like the action.

Swanhildapirouetting Sun 23-Mar-14 16:27:59

We've also had the meltdown over Lego instructions. The first time it happened dh was utterly bewildered because he had always enjoyed building Lego with ds2, and there had never been problems. But as the Lego got more complex (11 year old level - don't ask me I can't do lego at all) and some fragile edifice didn't quite hold together, ds2 would spectacularily lose his cool. Dh would feel ds2 was cross with him and destroying father son time, when it wasn't that at all, ds2 was just upset that the lego wasn't doing what it should be. Luckily dh recognised this within about two sessions and stopped thinking it was personal, and began to respond very calmly when outbursts happened. I don't think ds2 and ds1 have ever managed to build ANYTHING together, by now we've avoided them doing those sort of finicky tasks because it would have ended in Armageddon. They do manage other tasks together though, they can just about play computer games together and chat about football. It takes a lot of supervision.

Tbh in the long term we've found that some of the stress was relieved when they were out together,by themselves, without adults present (obviously only possible when a little older) and then they started to look after each other better and enjoy communicating, possibly because there was no competition to get an adult on their side. I think ds2 enters a zone when he goes on a long walk with his older brother, and some of his normal "stressed" responses are suspended and they don't even have to try to get on, they just DO.

KeepOnKeepingOn1 Sun 23-Mar-14 18:00:51

I was annoyed with DH because we have been doing this for years and it's not rocket science. His response was not really an over-reaction but he acted as if DS1 were NT - that he would not be rigid and controlling, that he would understand that it wasn't his toy and that it was DS2's birthday.

DS2 (8 today) is five years younger than DS1 and meltdowns have been a daily reality for him sad. As he is present during the meltdown he is always present for the calm after-talk and always asked if he is OK and given an opportunity to speak. This approach was originally suggested by ASD outreach as DS2 got older and seems to have worked much better for him.

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