Here some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on SN.

I believe I now have 'evidence' that CP was falsely raised against me. Do I stay and fight, or move and fight?

(177 Posts)
miemohrs Tue 30-Jul-13 11:19:41

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miemohrs Tue 30-Jul-13 11:21:03

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mrsdinklage Tue 30-Jul-13 11:32:59

Oh dear - I remember you posting about this before. I am sorry I have no professional advice but its truly dreadful. Could you MP help ? (Hopefully someone else will be able to give you more constructive advice)

I remember you posting before too. No real advice about your question, but what jumps out at me is that you say your son won't want to move, and that you will separate (permanently?) and have a financial strain. Your son will be 9 or 10, so only a couple of years till secondary. Is be tempted to sit it out , if you're happy with the secondary he will go to.

claw2 Tue 30-Jul-13 11:38:17

What evidence do you have that CP was falsely raised?

Not that I don't believe you, just after reading your OP, it was something EP said in a meeting and you have nothing in writing?

miemohrs Tue 30-Jul-13 11:48:05

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inappropriatelyemployed Tue 30-Jul-13 12:28:53

They will make something up. They will say the CP matter is not a decision for the EP but for CP services and the EP wasn't privy to their information.

Have you made a written request for details of why they were considering CP? Was any action ever taken?

They will just deny and lie. Moving might be your best option.

claw2 Tue 30-Jul-13 12:31:55

I was in a very similar situation, except ds has a dx of ASD. Seems they are saying your anxiety is the cause of your ds's anxiety. You are exaggerating needs and constant assessments are the cause of your ds's anxiety.

So EP is saying no more assessments as these are considered detrimental to your ds by other professionals involved and you are not following professional advice.

and in his opinion you offended some people.

1. Ask for a copy of SS procedures.
2. Ask for copies of SS assessments.
3. Ask SS to clarify in writing, exactly where in the SS process you are and the grounds for CP.

inappropriatelyemployed Tue 30-Jul-13 12:37:09

Good advice Claw.

It is horrible, really horrible, that parents have to go through this but it seems scarily common.

WetAugust Tue 30-Jul-13 12:37:24

Hi Imogen

I remember your earlier posts.

Do you have your own copy of the tape? If so I would complain using it as evidence but not until I had moved area.

Who is the witness? If it's someone in your camp they won't be believed. If it's someone in their camp they'll be taken away and reprogrammed rapidly.

You're still asking the same question that you've been asking for the last 2 years now - should I stay or should I go.

II think you were also struggling with a decision as to whether to separate then as well. think we all agreed earlier that to get your DS's problems properly acknowledged and supported you had to leave. Now you've even had the Scottish Childrens Law Centre recommending you move - why is there even a decision to be made confused

Frankly, your DS's not liking change should not enter into your decision. I very much doubt he likes being bullied and having to struggle along inadequately supported at school. So how you can really believe he's happy there?

Don't think it will be any better at secondary. You live in a small community where the services all know each other, in and out of school. Secondary does not come with a big magic wand that improves matters. Secondary is actually when your problems can really increase, away from the pastoral support of junior school - look at my own DS who ended up in a psychiatric unit through the abuse he suffered in secondary. Do you want to wait for that to happen?

No, it simple. Pick up the phone, call the estate agent and decide where in the UK you wish to go.

And please do it soon.

Once you're away from their grip you can fight them all you want - they can no longer hurt you.

I hope you can finally take action.

WetAugust Tue 30-Jul-13 12:39:55

Hi Imogen

I remember your earlier posts.

Do you have your own copy of the tape? If so I would complain using it as evidence but not until I had moved area.

Who is the witness? If it's someone in your camp they won't be believed. If it's someone in their camp they'll be taken away and reprogrammed rapidly.

You're still asking the same question that you've been asking for the last 2 years now - should I stay or should I go.

II think you were also struggling with a decision as to whether to separate then as well. think we all agreed earlier that to get your DS's problems properly acknowledged and supported you had to leave. Now you've even had the Scottish Childrens Law Centre recommending you move - why is there even a decision to be made confused

Frankly, your DS's not liking change should not enter into your decision. I very much doubt he likes being bullied and having to struggle along inadequately supported at school. So how you can really believe he's happy there?

Don't think it will be any better at secondary. You live in a small community where the services all know each other, in and out of school. Secondary does not come with a big magic wand that improves matters. Secondary is actually when your problems can really increase, away from the pastoral support of junior school - look at my own DS who ended up in a psychiatric unit through the abuse he suffered in secondary. Do you want to wait for that to happen?

No, it simple. Pick up the phone, call the estate agent and decide where in the UK you wish to go.

And please do it soon.

Once you're away from their grip you can fight them all you want - they can no longer hurt you.

I hope you can finally take action.

claw2 Tue 30-Jul-13 12:43:43

In my experience SS don't like to put anything in writing, as they are constantly moving the goal post.

School/LA made 3 separate allegations against me to get SS attention. None of which were true and I had written proof that these were totally untrue.

Once proven to be untrue, that should have been the end of it.

However, it wasn't, they just moved the goal post to something else.

The minute they put something in writing to me, draft core assessment. I could write to the head of services, prove none of which was true and procedures were not followed.

Then everything, all records, including the draft core 'disappeared' from ss 'systems' and social worker dealing with our case, was taken off the case!

Now all allegations have been 'forgotten' about and we now have a new history.

SS became involved due to 'ds poor school attendance' hmm no you didn't!

mummytime Tue 30-Jul-13 12:55:19

In you situation I would have moved last summer.

I'm afraid that for whatever reason they have taken against you and decided to bully you/neglect your son's needs like this. You could fight BUT; it probably wouldn't change anything until too late for your son. Your health could also be ruined in the process.

Yes if you move you might have to fight, but you would most probably not have all the professionals against you.

claw2 Tue 30-Jul-13 12:55:51

For us things changed for the following reasons.

1. I had a long, well documented history of ds's difficulties from experts.

2. I was being accused of exaggerating needs by LA/school. However, they backed down and agreed to SA and issued a statement. So I 'won', I couldn't be accused of exaggerating needs any longer.

3. SS put something in writing to me, which could be challenged and proved inaccurate.

Trigglesx Tue 30-Jul-13 13:03:58

I am also struggling a bit with this one. I sympathise, I really do, but you've come on here a number of times saying "do I stay or do I leave?" and everyone says "leave" and you come back again saying "okay, now they're doing THIS... do I stay or do I leave?"

I get that it's frustrating and scary to think about moving. No, you shouldn't have to move to get better support for your DS. No, you shouldn't have to fight the LA or NHS to get better care for your DS. But the fact remains that he is not getting appropriate support and is not likely to in that environment.

Look at it from a strictly clinical aspect. Do NOT be swayed by the fact that he wants to stay. Remember, it is common for children, especially those with SNs, to resist change. That doesn't mean he won't adapt. This is meant to be a change for the better - he will adapt. It may take awhile, but if he gets better support, he WILL adapt because it will HELP him. He's not thinking about that - YOU have to think about it for him.

As far as you and your DP separating, that's nothing any of us here would get involved in discussing IMO. It's personal and it's well outside the boundaries of the SNs aspect. Only you can decide if this is a deal breaker or not. FWIW, my H and I separated just a few months ago, and there were some issues in there about DS1's disability and H's ability to cope with the behavioural problems. It was my decision and I would make the same decision again - I have to put my DCs first.

I do think that if you leave that area and move somewhere else, you should still follow up and make a complaint with that tape, simply because their behaviour is appalling. Yes, in an ideal world, you'd complain, they'd be hauled up and told to shape up, and all would be wonderful again. But you know, as we all do, that any complaint is going to take years to sort out, and in the meantime, where does that leave your DS? Think about what is best for HIM and act on it. But don't think that making a complaint about the LA/school will make things better, because I imagine initially (and for quite some time) it will make things worse.

miemohrs Tue 30-Jul-13 13:25:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

claw2 Tue 30-Jul-13 13:28:52

Cant ask for SS copies of anything as SS never involved, so who is threatening CP?

and yes you can ask for minutes, or do a FOI.

miemohrs Tue 30-Jul-13 13:37:35

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miemohrs Tue 30-Jul-13 13:39:55

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claw2 Tue 30-Jul-13 13:42:31

Child protection is not a status for school, EP, paed or whoever to decide. Child protection is an investigation by social services.

So seems school, EP, paed or whoever are saying they will raise their concerns with SS, but haven't?

Weigh up what you do have/don't have.

You have school, paed, EP etc saying that assessed and yes your ds does have SOME difficulties? (I am assuming some, as EP made recommendations)

You have DK saying 'weak positive dx for ASD' and more thorough assess needing to be done.

Paed, school, EP etc will argue we have assessed the socks off of ds and have found SOME difficulties.

More assessments could prove DK right 'weak positive dx for ASD', which is kind of what paed, school, EP etc are saying ie yes he has SOME difficulites?

What do you want from school? What would be the best outcome of the meetings you attend?

inappropriatelyemployed Tue 30-Jul-13 13:44:26

I am confused.

Was there actually any form of child protection action raised against you? How did they communicate this? Did social services get involved?

If they just mentioned CP as a threat then this is horrible and intimidating but the EP's comments don't do anything other than confirm that this was just threatening behaviour.

inappropriatelyemployed Tue 30-Jul-13 13:44:52

x-post with claw

miemohrs Tue 30-Jul-13 13:48:04

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miemohrs Tue 30-Jul-13 13:51:28

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miemohrs Tue 30-Jul-13 13:56:14

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zzzzz Tue 30-Jul-13 14:07:56

I'd ds making any progress at school

claw2 Tue 30-Jul-13 14:39:29

So you may or may not have been reported to social services is the stage you are at. It is NOT child protection, as this is not school or paeds decision to make. All they can do is report their concerns to SS and its then up to SS whether they follow this up and investigate or not.

I will say if its a disagreement about needs, SS advice to school would probably be to arrange a multi professional meeting (CAF or whatever its called in your area) to establish needs. Again this is NOT CP. It can only become CP when and if social services become involved.

It is just a threat, however take it as a heads up.

zzzzz Tue 30-Jul-13 15:11:00

Sorry the should read "is" he making ANY progress?

I've read lots of your threads in the past, but struggle to know how to help. I find it quite hard to understand the bald facts of your situation. I don't understand what a "weak positive for ASD" is? Are you basically saying that DK said he had some traits but not enough to diagnose?

Weller Tue 30-Jul-13 15:24:42

While I can understand the wanting to clear your name but how does fighting this change your DS's circumstances? The bullying can only stop if the school act or you remove him.

claw2 Tue 30-Jul-13 15:31:13

I am having trouble following the situation too, I guess its a complex and complicated matter.

18 months ago you asked school to assess for dyslexia type issues. Did they assess? who assessed? what was the outcome?

You asked paed for advice. Did he assess? what did he assess for? what was the outcome?

EP has obviously assessed at some point. What did he/she assess for? what was the outcome?

DK has obviously assessed at some point. What did she assess for? dyslexia? what was the outcome?

You say that your ds was a year behind, but because you requested he stay back a year? Did school agree to this? If so, why, if he has NO difficulties?

"Ed Psy last summer said: some issues.
At MAC in Feb I asked what things were being done.
Was told 'none. teacher says he's fine now'.
Wont even let him use his coloured overlays"

So last summer he had some issues, come February had he made progress?

Who recommended coloured overlays? and why?

cansu Tue 30-Jul-13 16:33:56

I remember your situation quite well. I honestly think the best thing you can do is smile sweetly and plan to move elsewhere. The school will never acknowledge you have cause for concern about your ds and will wheel out threats about cp and imply that you are fabricating his problems every time you raise the issue. You could sit it out until secondary and try and help your ds as much as possible privately by perhaps getting him a sympathetic tutor to help him with his school work or you can move elsewhere and let him settle elsewhere. Be upfront and say that you have concerns, private pead had some concerns but local team see no issues. Wait and see whether new school think he has any issues. If you choose to sit it out where you are, I would deal with bullying by raising issues with a short polite note asking teacher to deal with incident and get back to you. Keep a record of any incidents and any notes you send.

WetAugust Tue 30-Jul-13 16:57:11

Look - I don't often lose it on here but I am in serious danger of doing so:

He has been spat at, called names, had property taken at school. He wont say at school (well he tries but is told to 'stop telling tales'). He comes home and tells us. School say we are making it up

No son of mine would spend one more second of his life at a school where he was abused in the way you have described.

What the hell are you doing by continuing to send him there?

Oh yes - I know the answer already "If I don't send him then they will start CP........" Repeat, repeat, repeat.

Have you ay idea whatsoever of the longterm damage you are causing him by continuing to enable this bullying by sending him yo school?

Oh yes - Aspies don't like change - but Aspies do not have the social or communication or cognitive skills to realise when they should give up on something. Which is why my DS spent far too long putting up with the abuse at his school - he don't know when to call it quits!

Why are you staying. Because you've been told High School is 'night and day' compared to existing school.

Well you haven't really thought that through have you. Because you will have the same cohort of little shits there he are currently his peer group in this existing school plus another load of little shits from elsewhere who will also see him as fair game for bullying.

Plus you'll have the same EP, CP etc to deal with and believe me the staff at the High School will have been told all about your DS and your problems.

You should be moving now. You know you should, everyone is telling you that you should - even the legal services but you prefer to delude yourself by trying to take comfort in the idea that it's better to stay because Aspies don't like change and things can only get better.

I am speechless!

For God's sake get him out of that bloody zoo and get yourself away from these inbreds and start getting him the help he needs elsewhere. you may even find you still have time to salvage the situation but the clock is certainly ticking.

And before I get flamed - if you do decide to move I would support you all the way. You cannot be doing your mental health any good at all be literally going round in ever decreasing circles.

Madness is trying the same thing repeatedly and expecting a different result.

miemohrs Tue 30-Jul-13 17:31:17

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

claw2 Tue 30-Jul-13 17:32:53

I suspect it is difficult to trust your instincts and have confidence in yourself, when you have all professionals against you, making threats and telling you continuously you are wrong.

TOWIELA Tue 30-Jul-13 17:37:55

OP can you home school him? 18 months ago I came to the end of the line with my DS's school. The thought of home educating him terrified me (my profession is technogy - not vulnerable children!). It took my lawyer saying to me "you have a very very unhappy little boy" to finally see the truth that was starring me in the face. He was very very unhappy and on the verge of a breakdown. I removed him from school as soon as i could to home ed him.

I don't regret home eding him for one minute.

Can you consider home eding your son until you can move and/or get him into a school that can support him?

WetAugust Tue 30-Jul-13 17:39:46

I was about to type something - but knowing I would regret it later I am stepping away from this thread.

miemohrs Tue 30-Jul-13 17:41:55

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miemohrs Tue 30-Jul-13 17:52:45

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WetAugust Tue 30-Jul-13 17:57:49

So DK said he needed further assessments - but your area has refused to do them

So all the English schools say dyslexia at the minimum and would therefore have to provide support for that difficulty - but your area refuses to acknowledge

You are doing your son a disservice you know. By wilfully staying in an area where you cannot obtain the help that you have been told he needs.

If he had cancer and there was no treatment available in your area would you move then? Or stay and hope it got better?

Sorry - it's a circular argument at which you are very practised. But when you come on here and describe the abuse that your son is being subjected to daily - something I find extremely upsetting, then I really do think the fault is with you as much as with 'them'.

miemohrs Tue 30-Jul-13 17:59:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

claw2 Tue 30-Jul-13 18:00:56

Paed obviously doesn't specialise in ASD.

The way I see it you have 2 choices.

You stay where you are, tell school and other professionals to bring it on and do their worse. Get private SALT, ASD etc assessments to support what you are saying, as per DK recommendations.

However, school and other NHS professionals can and probably will continue to ignore anything that private professionals say. I doubt very much they will say ok hands up we messed up and can see that now.

Your ds will continue to not receive any support, be bullied etc, etc.

or option 2 I think it is more than fair to say relationship has broken down and move.

WetAugust Tue 30-Jul-13 18:01:14

Teacher recommended to parents of Child B that child B thump child C back. The parents of Child C (local gp) were happy.

The school your son attends is a zoo.

WetAugust Tue 30-Jul-13 18:07:15

Claw - I know you mean well but TBH we've regurgitated this sort of advice for a couple of years now. You know it won't be heeded.

Yes, you are pissing off this particular member of MNSN. You are pissing me off big time because behind all your indecision is a young person who is relying on you to do the best you can for him. And you are failing him miserable.

You are failing him because you know he is being subjected to abuse in the school you send him to.

You are failing him because you know you will not change the situation - hell, you've been trying for years.

You are failing him because you are a ditherer. And you're latest dither is - what if it's me? What if this happens elsewhere?

Well lady - for your son's sake - take a chance that it won't happen elsewhere - at least you'd have tried.

I do feel strongly because 10 years down the line I am still dealing with the aftermath of very serious bullying. Don't think it's not destroying your son - it is. It's just that Aspies hide it very well.

miemohrs Tue 30-Jul-13 18:09:01

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miemohrs Tue 30-Jul-13 18:13:31

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Strongecoffeeismydrug Tue 30-Jul-13 18:20:15

Seriously you haven't moved forward in a year, whether your son has special needs or not you know he's being bullied!
My son has severe autism
and routine his everything to him but if he was being bullied and school we're not doing anything it would take me
12 minutes not 12 months and he would be out of that school.
He would be anxious,naughty and a right pain in the arse but he's a kid and even SN kids adapt.
In the long run a bit of disruption is soon forgotten but bullying and unmet needs have a longer lasting effect.

losingpatienceagain Tue 30-Jul-13 18:29:21

Just leave -it's like the Village of the Damned or something.Get out and have a fresh start - your ds will find it hard but he'll get through it. My ds has acute anxiety and hates change but we had to relocate - there was no option about it. It was strange at first but he soon settled and made lots of friends as he was the 'new kid' and everyone wanted to be friends with him.
I just don't get what you're staying for? Why not go somewhere where you can have fresh assessments for your ds and possibly a dx? It will take time to get this but better that than going round in circles for years until your ds leaves school which is what will happen. Why will high school be any better if the same professionals are around with their fixed views of you?
Sometimes it's best to give up the fight and leave. I have lots of evidence against various professionals showing unlawful practice and the like but I am fast understanding when to fight and when not to bother. You need to learn to do the same. Think of your son's health and education - not what the so called professionals are doing or saying - they clearly don't care about you or your son.
Good luck.

claw2 Tue 30-Jul-13 18:32:28

Im not aware of any of the back story Wet

I was once a ditherer and left my own ds in a school situation for longer than I should have because I was being blamed for his difficulties and I didn't have any evidence or experts to back me up at that time. My ds suffered because of me.

I didn't know the first thing about dxing, about SN's, my rights etc, etc. Luckily I found MN, got some support, some advice, some strong words and a kick up the arse from some.

I would hate to see someone stop posting and stop much needed support and advice, as its taking them longer to come to terms with.

beautifulgirls Tue 30-Jul-13 18:53:05

Move schools, you have nothing to lose here. Walk away from the fight too - you don't need the stress any more and will not win this as they will gang up together to fight you. If your child is in a better school (which is likely if you move, it can't get worse can it) then he will become happier and less stressed. I was very scared of the move I made for DD1 earlier this year but the move has been so positive. Make the decision is the hard bit, the reality of a move is not so bad.

PolterGoose Tue 30-Jul-13 19:03:57

I'm with Wet it actually makes me horrifically sad and angry that your child is suffering quite extreme bullying and you continue to take him there.

As far as I can see, based on what you say here and bits I remember from your previous threads, there is no CP action, anyone can say "I'm going to report you for CP" but that is all it is, it isn't 'action', you are wasting your time focusing on that. However, if my child was experiencing what you say your ds is going through, and I wasn't allowed to keep him off school, I'd report it as a CP concern myself, because what you describe is a CP issue, because your child is at risk of harm.

Regarding the idea of moving, whether he has dyslexia, an ASD or any SNs at all, you cannot continue in your paralysis, there has to be a point when you do something decisive, not just talk about it endlessly, just make the leap. It cannot possibly be worse.

claw2 Tue 30-Jul-13 19:08:16

Miemohrs, 4 years ago, I was in a similar position to you. Ds started school with no dx, no support whatsoever in place, no IEP etc. I didn't even know that he was on the SN register. I had been told previously by Paed's that ds didn't have ASD.

After being in school for about 6 months, he was bullied terribly and struggled, ds began self harming, scratching his skin off, ended up in hospital on iv antibiotics for 2 weeks. I started to seek private assessments. I asked school to follow recommendations. They refused saying ds was doing fine, wasn't bullied etc, etc and reported me to SS. I applied for a statement, was refused. I removed ds from this school and move boroughs.

2nd school ds got his dx of ASD (NHS) I thought things would improve and this school would be better. It wasn't. Just as bad as 1st school, no support. I applied for a statement, got reported to SS AGAIN.

Ds continued to self harm and it resulted in a emergency mental health assessment and ds being suicidal and being subject to a CAMHS safety plan and unable to attend school. I removed him from this school.

Ds starts his 3rd school in September, a specialist school, he now has a statement and hopefully a school that will meet his needs.

I have been to hell and back, I have been accused of all sorts, ,Ive been told im a liar, Ive had endless sleepless nights, ive doubted myself, it has cost me a fortune both financially and emotionally etc, etc but its not about me, its about ds. Im his voice, im his protector and I have to do what he needs.

Emotions are running high on this thread, as some of us have seen the damage it can cause. Your ds's school are failing him miserably.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Tue 30-Jul-13 19:26:05

Look at it this way.

If you make him stay where he is, you know what his life will be like.

Not your life. HIS life. He's the one living it. He's the one suffering it.

If you move, then you may have problems.

But you may not.

He may have problems with the transition, but that is not a reason to not do it, not when the alternative is a life that is so miserable for him that I don't even want to think what it may do to him.

I would rather take a chance on a better life for my child than keep him in a miserable one because I am afraid of the unknown.

You're in scotland and need permission to home ed? tbh, I would move to England and home ed if I had to. If that was my only choice.

There is nothing you won't do, nothing you won't try, when it's your child.

Doing anything is a risk. you don't know how they're going to cope with change.

but you already know what doing nothing is doing! He is being damaged by it.

WetAugust Tue 30-Jul-13 19:34:24

Let me make a little prediction about what will happen next.

Various posters will express sympathy, give you advice or tell you bluntly as I just did to get your finger out and stop permitting your child to be abused.

You'll take umbrage and probably disappear for another year or so.

Things will not have improved in fact they'll probably have deteriorated even further as he reaches puberty with no support.

At that point, in desperation, you'll post on here asking if you should stay or you should go.

Repeat the above as many times as necessary.

Yes, people can be frozen with fear. But, what is there to fear? The bad stuff is happening right here and right now. Go somewhere else, away from the bad stuff. And if the bad stiff happens there too then deal with that when you get to it.

I was given some excellent advice recently:

Worrying about something does not change the outcome. So why waste your energy worrying when you could channel it into something positive - leaving.

It's not about DS really is it? It's about your relationship with his father. That's all I can assume that is making you stay.

Why not post on Relationships and get some fresh advice.

Believe me, if you moved to my area I would help you and I am sure that many others on this board feel the same way.

What we cannot cope with is the inertia and the cruelty that is flowing from that indecision.

You are tying your shoelace on railway track and are oblivious to the approaching train.

I really do want to help - but sympathy alone is not enough.

YOU must DO something

claw2 Tue 30-Jul-13 19:59:28

I hope your prediction is wrong Wet. I really hope Miemohrs, doesnt take this thread personally and does come back and post. I think everyone on the thread is saying the same thing, just in different ways.

I have had a kick up the arse plenty of times on here and take it in the spirit its intended. I know its out of concern and not spite.

While agreeing with what's been said previously, it's maybe not as simple as moving immediately if she owns a house and has a job. And, Imogen, you do seem to be paralysed with fear of the unknown and indecision.

I'm not sure that posting here will help much. Do you have good RL friends you can discuss it with? They'll probably be of the same opinion as everyone else, but there may be other solutions locally that we can't help you with, but friends could.

Take care

Walter4 Tue 30-Jul-13 20:25:28

Hello Miemhors,

Firstly I'd like to say how very sorry I feel for all of you.
I haven't posted on this thread before though I have been following. You've had wonderful support and advise from everyone... Lots of wise women on here !

I have noticed that we don't really know how you partner feels about all this? Does he support you moving away? How does he cope with the treatment you're son receives at school? And LA claims about you.

My instant reaction like the others is, just get him out of that school now!!
Home ed would be the obvious solution, allowing him to stay in the area and all of you to stay together , could you not persue gaining permission to home ed? If they are so sick of your demands for assessing etc, would they possibly be glad to " get you off their backs?"

Failing that, I must admit, your choices seem limited in that village. You should consider change.

I have removed my son from a school that was not in his best interest to be in. Like your son is mine said he wanted to stay, I gave him so many reasons why he should move school yet he wanted to stay. I then changed my approach and started to tell him all about the new school, making it sound so wonderful, but not lying. He began to be curious....anyway, he loved his taster day and the following morning began referring to his existing school as his " old school!!" I was astounded! Just like that, he'd moved on. Now I know come sept things may have changed and he will have a new school to get used to, but, I do feel he will cope, and I have hope! With the old school...I was waiting for total disaster.
Nothing is perfect, but our children CAN cope with change.

I'm sure your feelings about your sons difficulties are likely to be correct. I'm sure you are very anxious, how could you be anything BUT anxious, aren't we all? Having a child with complex needs is very very anxiety provoking! Trust yourself and forget fighting them, I for one only have the energy to get through each day, nothing left for fighting.

Hope you get there soon, you could all do with a break.smile

TOWIELA Tue 30-Jul-13 20:28:15

Sometimes, when you are in a terrible situation, it becomes very easy just to carry it on. It's that age old phrase - you can't see the wood for the trees. In my case, it took a solicitor to tell me to get the f* out of my DS's school. She gave me moral "permission" to do the right thing by my son - and I've never regretted leaving that school one single second

Let Wet, and the others on here, give you the "permission" to get the f* out of that school and move. If home eding in England is on option - then go for it - I would do it again in a heartbeat

inappropriatelyemployed Tue 30-Jul-13 20:53:16

I've taken my son out of two schools now and he has ended up out of his third through not coping despite them being very supportive.

I now conclude he can't cope with school but he is a happy confident child outside school so we are working on that as a way forward.

But we had to get out of two crap schools before finding a third that would even part way work with us. The difference when a school cares and tries is incredible. Not because everything is perfect (my son's TA was awful) but because you know people are trying to help and not undermine. To sit in a meeting with the head and SENCO saying 'we agree entirely with mum' is amazing.

And we always thought, if he can't make it there, he can't make it anywhere (to paraphrase Frank Sinatra) so now we know.

I am still dealing with an awful, nasty LA and there are some involved I don't trust as far as I can throw them but my son is not being damaged and that is the most important thing.

So, yes, moving is a wrench. I have had to drag a younger child out of school too and it has led to situations where people undermine me, brand me vexatious, bitch about me and dismiss my son, but it has never stopped me removing him if he is being damaged. Sod them all.

zzzzz Tue 30-Jul-13 21:29:11

I find this all almost incredible. You need a backbone OP. Stop being so bloody dramatic about everything and get on with it. Moving house is NOT a huge decision. You write a list, inform utilities, find accomodation and schools, pack and go.

Stick to facts.

Start helping your ds now.

Stop bloody emoting all over the place. People have married arseholes before. Parents have disagreed with teachers. Little boys have been left behind and lost at school. Get off your backside and start walking towards the life you want. As the saying goes "No guts, no glory".

lisad123everybodydancenow Tue 30-Jul-13 21:45:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Miemhors - you say you are not sure moving will help, because there will always be little shits who may/will bully your ds.

This is probably true. BUT at the moment your son is at a school that is, as another poster has said, a zoo. They are crap at dealing with bullying. If you move him to a good school, they will deal with any bullying, nip it in the bud and help your ds - and that would be transformative for his experience of school.

My NT ds2 was bullied throughout junior school and in the first couple of years of senior school. Luckily dh got a new job, and we moved 400+ miles (to Scotland, in fact), where ds2 and ds1 got places in a good senior school, with excellent pastoral care.

There was some taunting at first, culminating in a boy pulling ds2's shorts and pants down during PE. It was a horrible incident, but when ds2 saw how seriously it was taken by the school, he realised he could trust them to protect him - they were on his side - and that was huge for him. He also saw his friends react instinctively to help him - they clustered round him and told him what an arsehole the other boy was. He wasn't alone any more!!

Tis gave him the confidence to join in things - in his case, the school musical - where he made more friends, who introduced him to other people, and now, aged 18, he has a huge circle of friends and a social life that is 10 times better than mine!

All from being at a school who took bullying seriously, dealt with it appropriately, and supported him.

You can find this for your son, and transform his life.

ouryve Tue 30-Jul-13 23:38:44

One question - if your child was completely NT but being bullied like this, in a school with such an awful, animalistic, attitude to dealing with bullying and conflict, would you stay where you are or get the hell out?

nostoppingme Tue 30-Jul-13 23:44:31

Is homeschooling an option? I presume he has 1 more year left of primary?

I completely understand moving is a daunting prospect, however, he is being bullied on a daily basis, get him out of this situation immediately. It is totally unacceptable how you are being treated and nobody is helping you? What about moving him to another school?

Have you looked at secondary school already? Is the one in your area suitable? You need to look at the big picture; you will not get far proving who is in the right or wrong as all of them are cahooting together.

All the best x

claw2 Wed 31-Jul-13 00:37:15

I can sympathise with Miemhors, it is a very daunting position to be in.

She is basically being accused of fabricating her ds's difficulties, professionals are withdrawing dx's and/or recommendations. She is being told she is responsible for causing her ds harm by professionals and has been reported to child protection by the Paed or so she is being told.

I have no idea if Miemhors has moved area before or moved schools before. Maybe she already has several times before.

If I would have moved again or moved schools again, while similar allegations were being made about me ie I was fabricating ds's difficulties (and my ds had a dx and long well documented history of difficulties) it wouldn't have been a good move. It would have looked like, I was moving to a different area, a different school so I could continue to fabric difficulties and get one over on a new set of professionals.

I had to stay and fight, however I did have some things on my side, like a dx, and a long well documented history and some professionals on my side.

I agree doing nothing isn't an option, however I think it must be a pretty scary position to be in.

lisad123everybodydancenow Wed 31-Jul-13 00:53:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

claw2 Wed 31-Jul-13 00:59:37

Lisa, that was kinda my point. Is moving area and school, the best move? Will it not look like OP is moving AGAIN to continue to fabric difficulties and get one over on a new set of professionals? Will this not give the professionals even more of a reason to push a CP?

lisad123everybodydancenow Wed 31-Jul-13 01:03:41

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

claw2 Wed 31-Jul-13 01:14:27

I suspect that the bullying is seen as just another fabrication.

In our case SS suggested a CAF when school/LA reported me to SS (without SS even contacting me and SW wouldn't even attend) when I phoned SW and asked the purpose of the CAF, the purpose was to gather evidence as to whether there was a case for CP or not.

OP has talked about MAC meetings, is this the equivalent of a CAF?

lisad123everybodydancenow Wed 31-Jul-13 01:39:25

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

claw2 Wed 31-Jul-13 02:00:59

Whatever you want to call a multi professional meeting, when you have been reported to SS for fabricating difficulties, I suspect will be to gather evidence ie do professionals agree with difficulties or not.

The fact that professionals are withdrawing their previous recommendations at these meetings and not standing by them, would suggest that they are not agreeing with difficulties and having meetings where OP isn't invited and told things such as we cant discuss that with you.

I really wouldn't like to advise OP on whether to move or not. I think OP needs legal advice and needs to follow that to the latter, regardless of advice on here.

claw2 Wed 31-Jul-13 02:26:09

and I mean proper legal advice, where they examine evidence etc, not an anonymous call to a Law centre.

Anyhow, I must get off to bed! I wish you luck Miemohrs

bochead Wed 31-Jul-13 06:44:53

Change is hard.

My son's struggling with it right now. But you know what - change can be managed.

"I don't know for sure if it will be better where we are going but I love you so much I have to try everything I can to make life better for you". Is an OK statement to make to your child - just KNOWING someone is in your corner means the world when you are a young child experiencing a daily living hell.

We are a team as far as my son's concerned and so I'm spending money I really don't have right now to take him with me on as many trips to the new area etc as I can physically manage before we make the leap so he can start acclimatizing.

He's feeling very positive and grown up about being given the choice of how to decorate his new room, and I'll tolerate the paint splashes when we do it in order that he feels fully engaged and involved. This in itself is a miracle as redecorating our current home became a battle that lasted YEARS! (He spent 7 months removing a replacement toilet seat every morning at one point).

It is hard, and I fully predict melt downs and wobbles before he settles in. However I can see an end in sight to those.

Staying where we are I KNOW the profs would make his childhood a living hell and that he'd leave school an illiterate, alienated, isolated unemployable young man. Where we are going there is at least a slim HOPE of a brighter future for him and he'll have the comfort of knowing that if his life is still very tough at least Mum had his back all the way.

zzzzz Wed 31-Jul-13 07:16:30

I find it difficult to see clearly what is going on here.

Can I ask some questions just to clarify?

Did DK diagnose your ds with any condition? If so what with?

Why do you feel the peadiatrician saying he thought one thing and then having observed your child in school came away with a different impression is suspect? Surely he wouldn't go in to school unless it was part of the diagnostic process?

Having kept ds down a year in order to support his emotional immaturity, and been assured he is now meeting expectations, why do you feel he isn't? (This is why I asked about his progress.) What, if any, signs are there of him struggling academically, socially and emotionally? It's crucial to be able to explain your concerns clearly.

I seem to remember your ds did/does have a dx of problems with his sight? What was that dx and who diagnosed?

Have you spoke to the school about the bullying?

Have you ever applied to home ducats and been knocked back, or do you just assume you will be?

I understand school don't see a problem. What does his father think? Your immediate family? Neighbours? Friends? Has any professional ever seen the issue?

When you say schools in England definitely see dyslexia, what schools? Who?

I'm sorry I have so many questions but it is hard to piece things together. I do find your thread title misleading because as far as I can work out, what actually happened is the EP said if you keep testing and testing a nt child looking for disability which isn't there they would be thinking about CP. Well if that was the case you would be hurting your child by projecting your health anxiety. That could be very damaging to a child, so they would need to support that child. If it wasn't the case they wouldn't. It sounds more like EP trying to express their concerns.

Trigglesx Wed 31-Jul-13 07:43:29

IIRC, the OP did at one point have a solicitor regarding this whole situation. What happened to that? What was their advice? Do you still have them on retainer?

lougle Wed 31-Jul-13 08:23:38

DK gave a very weak acknowledgement that some of your DS's reported difficulties were consistent with ASD, but focused heavily on the anxiety of the whole family.

The issue is that she had other reports to refer to, which were all based on parental history giving. In essence this gives a perpetual situation where a professional writes a report saying 'parent says' and then another professional comes along and sees this report, provided by the parent, and then writes a report saying 'professional says that parent says...'
DK's only observation was regarding his language.

Now, I'm not saying he doesn't have ASD -I'm in no way qualified to judge. I'm saying it's irrelevant. You are so focused on diagnoses that you are blind to your DS.

He is screaming out to to you that he can't cope. You are watching him fade away and doing nothing because your own anxiety is more important.

DD2 didn't have half the issues your DS has. She wasn't being bullied, teachers weren't picking on her, her things weren't being taken. I could just see that she was miserable and fading away.

I spoke to one person I trusted and they said 'move her'. She never went back to that school and two days later she started a new school.

To pinch a well-respected poster's line: you are your ds's best and only advocate.

Advocate.

Sometimes advocating means doing something physically rather than staying.

inappropriatelyemployed Wed 31-Jul-13 08:50:36

I agree that this is a worrying situation for the OP and having suggestions of CP raise their head is scary. I also think it is very hard for some people to stand up against a crowd and this is what bullying professionals rely on.

However, you are not subject to CP action. It seems that CP has raised its head as an issue which is not nice but its not gone anywhere so its bollocks.

You are an autonomous,human being. These professionals and their opinions don't own you or rule you. If you want to move, move.

Mental health is as important as physical and to allow your child to stay somewhere where they are being, at least, mentally harmed is something which you and he may live to regret. It is easy, as adults, for us to think because we support them at home, they'll be ok or because its only school it doesn't matter. But this is your child's life - day in, day out. If it is really this bad, why send him back?

If you were suddenly asked to move for a well paid job or inheritance would you say sorry can't in case anyone thnks badly of me moving? I suspect not.

miemohrs Wed 31-Jul-13 11:06:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

inappropriatelyemployed Wed 31-Jul-13 12:03:43

I am sorry you misunderstand my point.

STAYING is clearly detrimental to your son but you continue to do it.

Why? Because you are scared of moving in case people say bad things about you?

My point was - would you be so scared of moving if you suddenly had a great job opportunity or money offered to you? If you wouldn't, then the argument about you staying because you are scared is nonsense.

inappropriatelyemployed Wed 31-Jul-13 12:06:59

"He wants to go to a good school where he has exiciting lessons with friends."

So, why are you making him stay in that dump? If it is as bad as you say it is, I can see no plausible reason for staying.

I had an LA brand me vexatious and tell everyone dealing with my son. We still found a fair and decent school to help him. Until we did, I HE as I would not let my child's life be ruined by people who didn't understand him.

What do you want to happen? This school won't change. The professionals won't change. You have to be the change you want to see - end of. No one else is going to do this for you.

miemohrs Wed 31-Jul-13 12:08:31

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Weller Wed 31-Jul-13 12:14:42

Have you informed daphne Keen's office that as the dx is written it has been ignored/rebuffed. Does it say ASD as a diagnosis is so how can it be a weak dx. If dyspraxia is his obvious traits was this not picked up by DK. The original question was should I stay or leave, it does seem you know already you are not able to leave for your own reasons that no one else can really judge, like most I would leave as bullying can be more harmful than his needs not being met.

inappropriatelyemployed Wed 31-Jul-13 12:17:16

You say you are not staying because you are concerned that people will say bad things and yet you say "chiefly,I am scared profs will view it as moving area to falsely seek dx and put SS on me. " Well, what is this if it is not 'people saying (or thinking) bad things'. Who cares how professionals will 'view' things unless their view leads to action of some sort.

Are you really saying you think moving would lead to child protection proceedings? If you seriously think that your moving would trigger CP proceedings (on what grounds I am not sure), you should address this head on and not just moan about what might happen. Speak to a lawyer. Get advice and get them to act for you. Don't hide behind what might happen.

Then you say "secondly, I am scared that situation wont improve for ds so I would be putting him through the change for nothing"

But on your own account, things are so terrible for him now. So how could things not improve? If things are so bad, how could moving be worse? This does not make sense.

This is not about whether he has a dx, or professionals' 'views', or about you proving you are right about your son, it is about a vulnerable child and his needs.

If you chose to stay, then you have to accept this school and the team around your child will not help and will make life difficult for you.

inappropriatelyemployed Wed 31-Jul-13 12:19:31

Equally, you don't know whether you can HE until you formally ask. Get a lawyer to advise.

If, actually, you don't want to do this, then that is another issue.

You have to work out what you want to happen and work to achieve this.

lougle Wed 31-Jul-13 12:24:40

I feel uncomfortable discussing the DK assesssment, as I have read the full report, so I am not going to comment on it.

Returning to your thread title:

"I believe I now have 'evidence' that CP was falsely raised against me. Do I stay and fight, or move and fight?"

I can only say that I think you are considering the wrong 'fight'. The 'fight' should be for your DS. For his needs, for his gain. You have come back to see if you should 'fight' something that isn't really an issue at the moment, ignoring the real issue.

I'm struggling to see a solution here. The solution, in my eyes, is that you see what the real issues are and deal with them. I think that house moving or not house moving, is almost a smoke screen.

What do you think you'd be telling one of us, if we came to you with the same problem? What advice would you give?

zzzzz Wed 31-Jul-13 12:36:01

So looking at the information in your last post.

The "threat of CP" is in fact just so much hot air. Any one of us could have the same raised at any stage. I don't think you should be "living in fear" of SS getting involved. It hasn't happened and is not more likely to happen just because someone once said to you that if you persisted to think there were sn where they saw none hey would refer on. (After all this would be required if they really thought there was no issue, surely?)

So did diagnose "clinical anxiety", "ASD" or "family anxiety" or did she say words to the effect "he is exhibiting some signs of clinical anxiety, and shares some traits with individuals on the autistic spectrum, but the family also is extremely anxious" (nb I have never heard of "family anxiety", can families be diagnosed as an entity? confused ). Because if that was the discussion that's NOT dx, that's exploring the information you provided.

Regarding the local pead visiting school, I wonder whether what he was tryin to say very clumsily was not "no children with ASD present differently in different environments". But rather that although behaviour IS different the underlying deficits will still be there however well masked?

How does he sit in his class? By which I mean you need to forget he is one year own because that is his level of education now, and compare him to his classmates. Is he far far behind? There is a HUGE spread of ability at primary school. My ds is 8 too, in his class there are children who struggle with high frequency words and children who hunker down with Harry Potter. What are you doing to support his handwriting and reading?

I'm not sure what to say about the eye issues. Why does the pead dismiss it? Does he use overlays at home? Do they help?

What grounds would they use to refuse HE? It seems an extraordinary statement by the Dr. But in any case is not only hypothetical but a non starter nice you don't want to do it.

There is no need to name schools, what I was getting at is did you phone up and talk to the head/receptionist explain that you are concerned about reading/handwriting an they said "oh dyslexia like symptomes, we old of course support any issues as they came up", or did you go and see them with examples of his work and/or your on and after they saw what he could do they said "well there seem to be some issues that look like dyslexia, we can support that". The two scenarios are different. The second offers some support to your concerns the first is just reaction to your take on things.

You say "His needs one first, very thing else comes second", what did you do when he cam to you bou the bullying.

zzzzz Wed 31-Jul-13 12:46:22

Post before last, sorry slow thinker/typer

WetAugust Wed 31-Jul-13 13:07:41

You could test your theory by moving area and not telling the new school about your concerns - wait to see if the new school notice.

I find it utterly unforgiveable that you are so focused on some flimsy 'evidence' regarding CP that you are ignoring your son's distress. And you are ignoring it because you continue to permit it to happen.

I applaud those posters on here who have made suggestions / given advice. But we've been doing that now for years.

You have an excuse for every constructive suggestion that is made to you.

Your arguments are the circular arguments suggestive of people with mental health problems.

Your track record on securing any improvements for your son in the last few years is zero

Your future record in securing the support he needs from your current area will also be zero

Even as he is being physically assaulted at school you turn a blind eye and continue to send him.

For God's sake what is wrong with you? As a parent you should be protecting him. If you cannot home ed then move somewhere where you can - it's simple but you can't grasp it.

I think your priorities, your reasoning, your expectations are all way out of kilter with right-thinking people.

Enjoy your day at the beach - 'tis a great place for sticking your head in the sand.

zzzzz Wed 31-Jul-13 13:21:59

Sorry about the hideous typos in my previous post, blush I am trying to deal with an extraordinarily difficult child.

Again without typos. (I HOPE!)

So looking at the information in your last post.

The "threat of CP" is in fact just so much hot air. Any one of us could have the same raised at any stage. I don't think you should be "living in fear" of SS getting involved. It hasn't happened and is not more likely to happen just because someone once said to you that if you persisted to think there were sn where they saw none they would refer on. (After all this would be required if they really thought there was no issue, surely?)

So did DK diagnose "clinical anxiety", "ASD" or "family anxiety" or did she say words to the effect "he is exhibiting some signs of clinical anxiety, and shares some traits with individuals on the autistic spectrum, but the family also is extremely anxious" (nb I have never heard of "family anxiety", can families be diagnosed as an entity? ). Because if that was the discussion that's NOT dx, that's exploring the information you provided.

Regarding the local pead visiting school, I wonder whether what he was trying to say, very clumsily, was not "no children with ASD present differently in different environments". But rather that although behaviour IS different the underlying deficits will still be there however well masked?

How does he sit in his class? By which I mean you need to forget he is one year down because that is his level of education now, and compare him to his classmates. Is he far far behind? There is a HUGE spread of ability at primary school. My ds is 8 too, in his class there are children who struggle with high frequency words and children who hunker down with Harry Potter. What are you doing to support his handwriting and reading?

I'm not sure what to say about the eye issues. Why does the pead dismiss it? Does he use overlays at home? Do they help?

What grounds would they use to refuse HE? It seems an extraordinary statement by the Dr. But in any case is not only hypothetical but a non starter nice you don't want to do it.

There is no need to name schools, what I was getting at is did you phone up and talk to the head/receptionist explain that you are concerned about reading/handwriting an they said "oh dyslexia like symptoms, we would of course support any issues as they came up", or did you go and see them with examples of his work and/or your son and after they saw what he could do they said "well there seem to be some issues that look like dyslexia, we can support that". The two scenarios are different. The second offers some support to your concerns the first is just reaction to your take on things.

You say "His needs come first, every thing else comes second", what did you do when he came to you about the bullying.

claw2 Wed 31-Jul-13 14:07:08

Just had a quick read of some of your other threads to try and get a grasp on the situation, as well as this one.

Paed and her boss who reported you to SS for FII was from CAMHS they had concerns about your ds's emotional welfare.

You said that at one point professionals agreed that your ds had SOME difficulties, however you disagreed about the severity of these difficulties. School were providing some support, just not the support you wanted.

Eye specialist who recommended coloured overlays removed her dx as it was based on parental reports, not obs and you wrote to her asking could you register your ds as visually impaired.

EP and other professionals have also removed their findings and recommendations.

You removed your ds from 1st school to 2nd school, then back to 1st again. You applied for private school, who later withdrew the placement.

You have been told legal steps will be taken to remove parental authority if you attempt to H/E or move schools again.

You have been told legal steps will be taken if you have any further assessments.

I think you need to think very carefully and get proper legal advice.

claw2 Wed 31-Jul-13 14:24:56

You also said that school had agreed to record the incidents of bullying.

Do you see the picture that is being painted?

inappropriatelyemployed Wed 31-Jul-13 14:27:58

Exactly. Get legal advice. But don't use this as an excuse to let your child be failed.

WetAugust Wed 31-Jul-13 14:36:17

She's had legal advice IE. Even the Law Centre are advising her to move.

Why don't you spell it out Claw - her current area is looking at MBP.

If you want to carry on being a parent to your son then you need to move. You are reaching the point where they are so pissed off with you that you run the danger that he will be removed from your care.

And in the small community you live in where everyone who counts knows everyone else who counts it would be easy for them to do so.

You have no need to live where you do unless you (and you DH if he's still on the scene) choose to.

You could legitimately move South to get the help your DS has been promised.

I think we had this same conversation last year - about whether you moved during the summer holidays or not.

inappropriatelyemployed Wed 31-Jul-13 14:40:59

"You have been told legal steps will be taken to remove parental authority if you attempt to H/E or move schools again."

Seriously? That would have to be based on very cogent evidence. Below the OP mentioned that this was just a threat from a paed.

There is a need for the OP to be very, very clear with herself (not us) about what is happening, how she is dealing with it and what she wants to happen.

This is what you should be speaking to a lawyer about. LAs can be nasty bullies but only someone there dealing with this for you in real time will be able to advise properly.

lougle Wed 31-Jul-13 14:42:59

Yes, it was Wet - last year at exactly this time the question was 'do I move now, because then he could start at the beginning of the year.'

It's been 6 months now, to the day, since DD2 started her new school. I can't believe the change in her. In fact, so stark is it, that I regret the 2 months of her decline that I allowed before I took action. I can't imagine 2 years of watching my child struggle.

inappropriatelyemployed Wed 31-Jul-13 14:44:06

Wet - I think instructing a lawyer who liaises on this with all parties involved and sees the evidence is different to a chat with a law centre based on hypotheticals.

The OP will still need to make up her own mind about what she wants to achieve. Does she want to move? If she does, she needs to speak to a lawyer and say this but raise her concerns about CP and ask the lawyer to help.

If she doesn't, then I don't see the point of this discussion.

claw2 Wed 31-Jul-13 14:44:33

This could well be a case of everyone just handling everything very badly, including OP and things snowballing.

However I think you need to forget about the past and look at the situation you are CURRENTLY in, whether you feel its true/false, fair/unfair and take steps to improve on this.

1. Do you think complaining about the injustice of the situation is going to help your ds or you at this point?

2. Do you think seeking further assessments at this point is going to help your ds or you?

claw2 Wed 31-Jul-13 14:56:29

I agree phoning a law centre anonymously, is different to them looking at ALL the evidence.

I also think a community paed reporting you to SS for FII, is different from a CAMHS paed reporting you.

Just because OP hasn't heard from a SW, doesn't mean they are not gathering evidence and advising professionals on what to say and do.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Wed 31-Jul-13 15:08:32

So this 'weak dx' - is that the person saying yes, I have examined this child and based on my independent observations I dx this..,

Or is it them saying based on everything you describe to me, it is possible that it could be the following...

Has anyone who has assessed your child said that theyhave observed enough to dx 1, 2, 3 or do they listento you and base an opinion on your description, which they then withdraw after observing your child?

WetAugust Wed 31-Jul-13 15:13:45

OK Claw - so you hire a solicitor at good knows how much and hour to look at all the evidence.

That solicitor by the way would have to come from well outside the geographic area in which the OP lives.

Then what?

What's a solicitor going to achieve when you are dealing with a small inbred community where everyone covers everyone else's back? You read an earlier post - even the local GP send his kids that school.

And in the blue corner we have the OP and her 'anxious family' and her long history of swapping schools and making complaints about failure to support many learning difficulties that are not acknowledged by the local triads and whose 'witness' to maladministration is a MN chum.

My money would be on the A Team - the locals.

And how long will that take - will he even be at school when it finishes.

And even assuming they all fall on their knees in the biggest self-flagellating mea culpa ever seen that north of Hadrian's Wall - then what. Are they going to start delivering support? I doubt it.

It's a situation that cannot be improved.

claw2 Wed 31-Jul-13 15:29:52

From what I read Wet, CAMHS paed was from London, although I only had a quick read of previous threads.

I see it as we have 2 scernios

1. Professionals have got it wrong.
2. Allegations are right.

If number 1, move and start again.

If number 2, im not sure moving is the best option.

PolterGoose Wed 31-Jul-13 15:31:34

I cannot see what a solicitor could add to this. From what I can see the only person who believes that OPs ds has additional needs is OP herself, obviously that doesn't mean there are no additional needs, but if nobody else believes there are then OP can't really argue that needs aren't being met confused

Surely it is time to go back to step 1, getting a proper assessment. That isn't going to happen where OP is now. The local professionals clearly see OP as neurotic, hysterical and prone to exaggeration, that might be true, this is the Internet, we don't know. At the very least a proper assessment of needs might put an end to the nonsense of 'parent says...'

Imogen, stop faffing about, stop looking for people to blame, stop going round in circles, either do something decisive or don't, you are behaving like someone with no choices, it is starting to sound like you revel in your powerlessness, but you do have power to change your, and most importantly, your children's, lives. But you choose to do nothing.

inappropriatelyemployed Wed 31-Jul-13 15:34:40

Polter, I was just thinking if the real barrier to moving was that there was a real fear of child protection issues being proceded on, a solicitor would be able to advise.

If this is not the issue (and I have to confess I don't really know what the issue is), then instructing a lawyer might not help.

inappropriatelyemployed Wed 31-Jul-13 15:36:17

Claw - I don't think we can comment on either of those scenarios as we don't have the information or the objective evidence.

Only the OP knows and only the OP can achieve what she wants.

But there is always an alternative to letting a child rot in a school that is doing harm to him.

claw2 Wed 31-Jul-13 15:40:15

On another thread OP says professionals ie EP, OT, eye specialist etc did identify that Op's ds had SOME difficulties. OP didn't agree with the severity of the difficulties. Take eye specialist for example recommended colour overlays. OP then wrote to ask can I register ds as visually impaired. She is playing right into their hands and the allegations that she is trying to make her ds more disabled than he is and exaggerating difficulties. I don't see how moving will change that.

claw2 Wed 31-Jul-13 15:42:31

IE, I agree we cannot comment on the scenarios as we don't know all the evidence, which is why I think legal advice and someone who is in possession of all the facts, would be the best person to advice.

inappropriatelyemployed Wed 31-Jul-13 15:43:31

Only if it something a lawyer can properly advise on. They cannot make life choices for you!

claw2 Wed 31-Jul-13 15:54:42

Yea I agree, doing nothing isn't an option. I was thinking along the lines of making those life choices, based on a lawyer spelling out the legal implications.

Maybe once the risks or lack of risks have been explained to the OP, the OP will have more confidence and be more decisive.

For example you can move and SS don't have a leg to stand on.

Our advice and OP's responses are going in circles and have been according to other posters for years!

zzzzz Wed 31-Jul-13 16:00:20

I have a deep distrust of outside interference. But even at my most paranoid, I don't believe that SS would rather take a child into care than provide what lets face it are pretty basic interventions in school. I can only assume that the professionals involved really do believe that there are no significant sn. I doubt they are inbred or vindictive, they sound more confused and inert.

OP You have seen a number of professionals all of whom find you at first convincing and then back down. My gut feeling is that it is highly unlikely that your sons sn impact his life as much as your reaction to them. I don't think you need a lawyer. I think moving house is beside the point. You need to address the bullying EVERY time he reports it. You need to provide extra support at home with reading and writing NOW. You need to find out what you can do to support his anxiety. Use the Internet or library. Stop behaving like victim and take control of your own life.

claw2 Wed 31-Jul-13 17:05:34

As I said I was in the same situation as OP, school/LA reported me to CP for 'fabricating' or 'exaggerating' ds's difficulties etc.

LA also wrote to my GP and EP and instructed them to withdraw their reports. Luckily for me, they refused to do so. It might well be the case here, that professionals have been instructed/bullied into remove their reports.

zzzzz Wed 31-Jul-13 17:16:46

What happened with CP claw? Did it resolve or is it on going? Would it be worth just getting it over with?

claw2 Wed 31-Jul-13 17:20:32

Ive been sitting on the fence and back and forth.

I agree with Wet and Polter, if it were me in your position, I would take the bull by the horns. Polter is right the only way to settle this is proper assessments, by a new set of professionals.

Worse case scenario, they issue child protection proceedings and you go to Court and settle this one way or the other. A Court would probably order proper assessments, which is what you want anyhow. If the assessments confirm your fear that it is you and not your ds, you take the help offered and move on.

claw2 Wed 31-Jul-13 17:29:21

X posted zzzz

Threats of CP, were just that threats, no CP action was ever taken.

However, ds had a dx which was given 4 years before, I had a long well documented history from SALT, OT, EP's etc, etc. I had applied for SA, so further assessments were underway both private and LA. All of which agreed with previous professionals etc, etc. It was established that ds's anxiety was school related etc.

Ds is now 'CIN' but for all the right reasons and his CIN plan addresses those reasons school and what support he needs. He now has a statement, attends specialist school etc. I have a lovely SW who will be closing the case next month.

zzzzz Wed 31-Jul-13 17:46:57

smile good.

claw2 Wed 31-Jul-13 17:49:23

Would also add I had the backing of CAMHS saying ds's difficulties ie his anxiety was very real (not fabricated by me) and it was related to the school environment (I wasn't responsible for it).

claw2 Wed 31-Jul-13 18:22:00

OP I think, whatever you decide to do:-

1. You need to forget about past reports from last summer, they did identify some difficulties, so you have some idea of your ds's difficulties. However school is saying your ds has made progress since then. They are out of date and more importantly they have been withdrawn. This will be used against you.

2. You need new evidence of difficulties. You need evidence of lack of progress.

3. The only way I can see you can do this is by getting up to date indi assessments. You have been warned doing this will result in CP. At this point it is just a threat. If you are worried about that threat, seek legal advice.

4. In the meantime your ds is being bullied on a daily basis, this should be your priority.

My own ds was bullied something terrible in his first school. He would come home with bite marks, which were reported to me by teachers too. He was strangled, hit with sticks leaving marks on him, stealing his lunch, pushed off of walls, down stairs etc, etc.

I reported it to school on almost a daily basis. They denied it and told me 'it was all in his head'. My response either way, you need to do something about it. School were advised that because of his difficulties he might well feel overwhelmed and get confused at unstructured times ie playtimes etc.

He was given a pass card at playtimes, when he showed it, he was to be allowed into the school and to get away from the situation, no questions asked. He showed it and got sent to the HT for a telling off for telling 'lies'

He started to self harm and ended up in hospital. School denied it and reported me to SS.

I had a meeting with school, they sat there and denied everything. I walked to the classroom picked up my ds and he never went back.

I moved boroughs, I changed schools. My only regret is that I didn't do it sooner and my ds suffered because of me.

lougle Wed 31-Jul-13 18:22:50

I think that complex situations can confuse the issues and it can take time to unravel the threads.

PolterGoose Wed 31-Jul-13 18:28:56

I agree lougle but at the centre of this is a child who is reported to be suffering from serious bullying. The rest of the complex web is secondary.

lougle Wed 31-Jul-13 18:31:49

Sorry, I was being brief. It was in response to Claw's statement about anxiety.

I agree, the bullying is appalling, but likely to be a cultural matter within the school - they either accept bullying or they don't. Only meimohrs can challenge it.

claw2 Wed 31-Jul-13 18:37:29

Most definitely Lougle. CAMHS reached that conclusion after a year and half worth of weekly 1:1 therapy with ds.

Luckily for me, ds had already undergone this therapy and CAMHS had a very good understanding of ds by the time I was reported to CP.

zzzzz Wed 31-Jul-13 19:02:40

The fundamental difference though claw is that your son had a dx. He wasn't a borderline case, and you had professionals willing to support you.

I don't think they are suggesting MBPS (which I believe is not a defence and is considered straight forward abuse), but more likely given the constant mention of anxiety, that Mums anxiety about ds sn is inflating the issue in her mind and that this is causeing at least some of his difficulties.

inappropriatelyemployed Wed 31-Jul-13 19:13:08

Claw, I remember your posts in anguish saying there was no one to support you and no professional standing by you despite the dx. I also remember your anguish at CAMHS retracting what they appeared to have been saying in support.

So, I know you have been through all this.

I think none of us can ever know the truth of what other people are posting or whether people are reinventing the past to fit their own agenda or what their agenda is.

We can only deal with what we see and if your child is being harmed you piss or get off the pot.

lougle Wed 31-Jul-13 19:19:38

<As an aside, MBPS is now called Fabricated or Induced Illness. The priority is always seen as the child, rightly, and once the child is safe, then the parent/caregiver can be treated linky

I think zzzzz has outlined the situation well.

zzzzz Wed 31-Jul-13 19:20:55

I agree with this,

^I think none of us can ever know the truth of what other people are posting or whether people are reinventing the past to fit their own agenda or what their agenda is.

We can only deal with what we see and if your child is being harmed you piss or get off the pot.^

lougle Wed 31-Jul-13 19:21:53

Arrghh emphasis fail.

What I meant to say was that discussion on FII should be as an aside, because I don't think that is what the profs are indicating here and I don't want miemohrs to be alarmed by talk of it on the same thread as her situation.

claw2 Wed 31-Jul-13 19:37:17

IE my post above about bullying was 1st time round being reported to SS!

2nd time and most recent, CAMHS had discharged ds 6 months earlier and this time there were no professionals involved at that time to support me or back me up.

SW told me to pick ds up from school and take him for emergency mental health assessment in A&E by CAMHS.

Local CAMHS and A&E CAMHS are separate, so ds was assessed and then local CAMHS have to reassess within 7 days or something. The meddling SW was phoning my GP telling her to withdraw her medical certificate, although my GP refused, she then attended a meeting with local CAMHS before they had assessed ds and told them GP had removed her medical certificate, as I lied to her. I couldn't contact my GP to confirm this as she was on holiday for 3 weeks after. SW knew this too. GP had no withdrawn her medical certificate and didn't know what I was talking about!

So I had SW who was convinced that I was making it up, trying to convince other professionals I was making it up.

CAMHS agreed a plan with SW, after SW told them I had lied to my GP and my GP had withdrawn her medical certificate.

CAMHS were fence sitting for a while, I can see how things get complicated very quickly, things are said behind your back and how one doubting professional can influence others.

Luckily CAMHS did realise this (I think) and after assessing ds, signed him off from school.

inappropriatelyemployed Wed 31-Jul-13 19:44:08

You know what Claw, it makes me so cross what parents have to go through when you see this crap on the BBC site.

How is it that LAs and schools find time to harrass caring parents but don't give a shit about obvious abuse before their eyes.

zzzzz Wed 31-Jul-13 19:52:36

Oh claw that is awful. I hope she got the sack.

claw2 Wed 31-Jul-13 20:28:58

Agree zzz I did have a dx etc which was given 4 years earlier and undisputable.

There are different levels of FII and anxiety/exaggerating is a degree of FII, although much lower scale. I wasn't being accused of FII exactly, I was being accused of being overly anxious, exaggerating his difficulties, lying about his difficulties, fabricating evidence ie photos of his self harm were 'gnat bites' etc which kinda amounts to the same thing.

SW wasn't sacked as far as I know, however after my complaint about her, she was removed from our case and we never heard from her again, things improved rapidly. All the SW's we have had since have been very nice and reasonable.

IE I guess they find time to harass caring parents because its the caring parents who will cost them money fighting for support for their children. Its easy to ignore the parents who don't give a shit, because they too will cost them money providing support for their children.

WetAugust Wed 31-Jul-13 20:34:31

Agree totally with you IE. It's almost institutional neglect. It wasn't just the class teacher, what about the TAs, the other teachers, the dinner ladies .....

Not one of them did anything.

And we're supposed to think teachers act professionally at all times.

claw2 Wed 31-Jul-13 20:42:00

Just looked at the link, poor little boy. Its shocking.

It does make you wonder, how despite SS being involved, they never even saw him. Even if they visited the house and he wasn't there, they didn't notice the empty room with just a thin mattress and no blankets on or the thread bear urine soaked carpet. The door without a handle, so he couldn't get out. The fact he was trying to eat from bins in schools and weighed just over a stone etc.

claw2 Wed 31-Jul-13 20:44:11

Its stories like that make me want to tell SS to fuck right off when they knock on the door with their petty reasons.

WetAugust Wed 31-Jul-13 20:45:50

It's so depressing that history just repeats itself time after time. You would have thought that SS would have sharpened up by now.

I wonder if they're spending so much time harassing SN parents they don't have time to do their job properly.

zzzzz Wed 31-Jul-13 20:47:46

I do think sometimes teaching staff can get a bit power crazed/blinkered. I remember when ds was at his "bad" school, a member of staff said "well legally he does have to be in school" in a rather intimidating way. I looked her back in the eye and said "I'm pretty sure the law is there to protect children like ds". (I have a very useful family!)

I can imagine that might have been much more frightening to someone else though.

WetAugust Wed 31-Jul-13 20:52:24

I found all of them in secondary just jaded and uncaring. They just turned up, delivered their lesson and that was it. No one cared about DS at all or sought appropriate help for him.

On that basis of personal experience I'd say that if problems are not dealt with by the end of junior school they never will be.

If they find an okay family, report some of their faults, list some demands, check they are complied with, and therefore increase their success statistics.

As for the rest of this thread......Wot Wet said.

inappropriatelyemployed Wed 31-Jul-13 20:59:18

It's incredible that a school accepted don't feed him without any evidence but question parents if they say a child needs something doing in connection with their SEN.

This must have been a very poor school. Rather like the 'outstanding' school DS went to where they didn't give a shit if a child had eaten or not but ran around moaning if they were asked to do something.

inappropriatelyemployed Wed 31-Jul-13 21:02:26

So I am sure if the parents were saying "make sure he eats" they would have had a totally different response - we're too busy to make sure a child eats, it's up to him to make sure he eats, stop stressing us, interfering parent, LA blub blub blub, make the mean parent go away......angry

WetAugust Wed 31-Jul-13 21:04:40

I'd like to know where these 'good' schools actually are. DS's primary was a 'good' school - everyone recommended it. Shortly after DS started there the Head retired and his Deputy had a breakdown. The place went down hill rapidly until one day when I had to tell the new Head there was no way my son was going on a residential weekend in a coach with loose suitcases stacked in the aisles of the coach! There seemed to be zero common sense in action.

Secondary school - the one that damaged him - was, in my opinion, a zoo run for the benefit of the teachers. It was the 3rd best rated school in the county confused

So where are the good ones?

inappropriatelyemployed Wed 31-Jul-13 21:08:30

My boys current school are good and caring and would notice this. They are not perfect but would never allow this to happen.

ouryve Wed 31-Jul-13 21:09:01

I think there's a good reason why a lot of children manage mainstream primary, even with quite profound SN (most people who meet DS2 would assume he's in SS, when he's thriving in MS, albeit with a completely individualised curriculum) but move over to SS for secondary. The last thing that can possibly be beneficial to most kids with SN is to be one of 3-500 children who pass through a teacher's classroom in the course of a year. They'd be lucky if their teacher could remember their name.

WetAugust Wed 31-Jul-13 21:11:29

Very true Ouryve

feelthelies Wed 31-Jul-13 21:12:55

Wet's words sound harsh but we have all been here with you sooo many times before and the phrase about sometimes having to be cruel to be kind was designed for this situation.

I don't doubt that you love your son, and I don't doubt that you want help for his additional needs. But you know that the help you want isn't going to be forthcoming, so why on earth would you stay where you are? I have seen you do thread after thread like this; our advice has never changed and we are now years down the line.

Nobody is more loyal or caring to each other than the posters on this board, including those who have offered you harsh and blunt words; I would say that harshness and bluntness is born out of frustration with your inability/ unwillingness to act and do something as, as loyal as we are to each other, this board is about the welfare and protection and advancement of vulnerable children, and we can see that your vulnerable child is being let down.

I know you don't want to let him down, and I know that the professionals are, in your mind, the ones letting him down, but you are allowing them to let him down by remaining there.

And that's where people's sympathy for you runs out, I'm afraid. Like the women in the news who allow their new partners to mistreat/ starve/ beat their children (and I am daughter to a mother who did just that), there is no excuse for standing by while your child is mistreated, even if it's someone else doing the mistreating. Posters on here have moved countless times to prevent their child from being harmed or neglected - moved schools, moved jobs, moved homes - and the extent of your action is just to endlessly consider it again and again and again.

What is the worst that can happen if you move? Realistically, not much. If you stay, the worst will just keep happening.

I feel for you, but I feel for your son much much more. Good luck with finally making this decision. I would like to think that it will happen soon; children's childhoods are shorter than you think and time is running out for you to ensure that your ds's is what it should be.

claw2 Wed 31-Jul-13 21:15:09

"I do think sometimes teaching staff can get a bit power crazed/blinkered" That is certainly true of some SW too!

Its weird the first SW, I think she was actually a bit crazy, she had this manic smile and would break into a wide smile at the most inappropriate times, like 'Wheres Johnny'

She phoned my GP, the day my GP was off on her holidays for 3 weeks. She instructed my GP to remove medical certificate. GP refused and told her the plan she had agreed with me. She then turned up at a meeting next day and told CAMHS I had lied to my GP to get a medical certificate and GP had now withdrawn, to get them to agree to her plan.

She then realised that her plan to return to ds to school, she had to get ds to agree to return. So she asked to speak to him alone, told him he MUST go back to school as HE is breaking the Law and is a 'Law breaker' and kept repeating it until he ran from the room crying and hid under the kitchen table. She then chased him upstairs, where he locked himself in a bedroom and kept repeating it, so that I could hear this time.

I had to tell her to go downstairs and leave ds alone. Then she told ds she was leaving and stood by the front door, when he came out she started again, until he was laying on the floor, rocking and meowing and covering his ears.

I am so angry with myself for letting her do this, I should have thrown her out of my house by the scruff of her neck. I dont know why i didnt, i guess my judgement wasnt at its best at that time, I felt under so much pressure and powerless. I can see why OP would feel powerless, but like me, its not excuse to do nothing. I did make a complaint about her the same day, but I wish I would have stopped it there and then.

feelthelies Wed 31-Jul-13 21:16:42

My son's secondary is amazing, by the way. 1200 kids but very tight pastoral care, generally good communication and excellent SEN department. My son was borderline MS/SS, with a full-time Statement, OT and SALT, and nobody thought it would work but it has.

There are caring teachers/ support staff, but the leadership of the school has to priorities those things for the rest of the staff and not bullshit stuff like statistics over everything else. Most teachers do go into teaching because they like children and want to make a difference. What happens along the way only goes wrong if they get jaded and cynical or if the school is led badly (disclaimer: I am a teacher smile )

ouryve Wed 31-Jul-13 21:20:20

Wet - our good one is a small rural primary with a HT who feels very passionately that all children deserve a fair chance. They're not perfect, but they know they're not and do what they can to make it better. It's largely a very happy place and the ethos is reflected in how caring a lot of the kids are towards each other. When DS2 took to running in and taking a football off a bunch of older kids, a few years ago, so he could put it away with the others, rather than being annoyed with him, they saw the funny side, let him join in when he wanted to, and asked his TA if they could adopt him as their team mascot grin

ouryve Wed 31-Jul-13 21:22:46

Bloody hell, claw shock

I think you did very well not to lay hands on her, to be honest.

claw2 Wed 31-Jul-13 21:35:04

Ouryve, I was thinking let her see for herself how ds reacts when you mention school and write that in her report.

Had I known she was to write in her report under ds views 'ds agreed happily to go back to school' I would have punched her straight on her crazy smiley mouth and let her write that!

Seriously, I wrote to her via email after her visit giving a transcript of what happened and telling her how distressed ds etc and she confirmed it by replying 'oh never mind, see you tomorrow when I will turn up to take him to school'.

I made an official complaint, attached her email too and she was taken off our case after that and the attitude of SS changed completely after that.

zzzzz Wed 31-Jul-13 21:36:26

This, as loyal as we are to each other, this board is about the welfare and protection and advancement of vulnerable children, and we can see that your vulnerable child is being let down.

And claw I sat back and let someone sear ds1s soul, going through each "relationship" with his classmates and how "they weren't real friends" in a meeting. He was seven FFS. He loved those children, and for what it's worth each and every one breaks into a huge grin and says "hello" whenever we cross paths in town. I will never forgive myself. I let it happen. sad

inappropriatelyemployed Wed 31-Jul-13 21:45:37

I think we all have those moments we regret. I will never forgive myself for letting a twat of an ABA 'consultant' force DS to sit outside class when he was freaking out about not being seen by the other children and just wanted to move slightly out of the way.

This highly qualified consultant who had worked for leading ABA consultants decided he was having a tantrum and kept on telling him 'you have to do what your teacher says' and proceeded to produce a report which he circulated to everyone without my consent babbling on about teaching DS 'listening skills'. All this at the cost of £650 when he hadn't spent one minute talking to DS alone.

Put me off ABA for life. No idea about children dealing with high levels of anxiety but I let that happen.

Cheeky sod ignored all my comments and only contacted me to chase for payment.

So I know that isn't on the OPs topic but we all have moments where we don't stand up for our kids cos we are scared of looking like rubbish over indulgent parents. The thing is to recognise that and act to protect them when we come to our senses!

lougle Wed 31-Jul-13 21:58:37

I dragged DD2 to school for over 2 months, miserable, begging me not to take her.

The day she last stepped over the threshold (on the way out!) was the day she looked at me earnestly, after the HT had shouted at me in front of other parents, and said "Mummy, why was that lady so nasty to you? Why do they let someone so mean be a Head Teacher?"

I never lie to my children. Ever. The only answer I could come up with was 'I don't know.'

That was the day she left that school.

I took ds to 'Opportunity Class' where half way through they peeled him off me kicking and screaming to go in the sensory room with a member of staff. Not just the staff, but the other parents held me back and stopped me getting to him. I was told that this was good for him to experience independence from me.

He had ASD ffs, he coukdn't give a fig about being separated from me, the poor boy was TERRIFIED of the sensory room.

But I went along with it, because the professionals told me I had to. Not for long, but Too long.

lougle Wed 31-Jul-13 22:12:25

Other parents held you back???

Wow. That takes the prize.

zzzzz Wed 31-Jul-13 22:26:56

sad

claw2 Wed 31-Jul-13 22:35:42

To this day ds remembers that social workers name and he only saw her about twice. He hasn't seen her for 8 months.

Ds can never remember anyone's name, he has to see people regularly to remember their names, literally every day, it took him a year to remember his class teachers name. He cant even remember my sisters name or my nephews.

He doesn't know the name of our new social worker and every time I say X is coming today, he asks 'who is that' and I have to describe her, he then asks 'its not xx (nasty SW first and LAST name)

I hope he forgets in time.

zzzzz Wed 31-Jul-13 22:54:54

I hope you do too claw. There will be better days.

fightingyetagain Wed 31-Jul-13 22:55:04

'And we're supposed to think teachers act professionally at all times'.

This is so true Wet. The problem I've found is that so many staff at 'good' schools think they are so professional and above everyone else yet just don't see what they are really doing. I have been threatened,in writing, with legal action for saying that certain staff were unprofessional yet that is exactly what they were. Soon my story will be made public so people will be able to see just how 'inclusive and caring' a certain school was. I would like to say it is quite unbelievable but there are, sadly, a lot of similar shocking stories on this board.
IE can you have a 'shocking but true' section on the blog at all? No need to name and shame but getting these stories out there may help others. I, and I'm sure others here too, do have evidence to back up what we're saying so anything factual shouldn't be a problem should it ?

inappropriatelyemployed Wed 31-Jul-13 22:57:43

There is a "parents tell it like it is". This is fine as long as no one is identified or identifiable.

claw2 Wed 31-Jul-13 23:06:54

We are having much better days already zzzz, things have improved 100%, I might just need some mind bleach to get rid of that manic smile though!

WetAugust Wed 31-Jul-13 23:17:05

Fighting - I'd like to know when your story is made public. Will you PM when it comes out so I don't miss it please?

My big regret is that I did not go after the consultant Psychiatrist that made such a neglectful misdiagnosis of severe mental illness - when DS 'only' had Aspergers. Another more eminent psych told me that if I complained he would support me but I'm ashamed to say there were only so many hours in a day and my primary concern was getting DS and placement and then helping him recover from his experiences.

Meanwhile the incompetent (dangerous) psych had left the UK so was probably beyond our reach anyway. We're out of time now anyway. But I do look from time to time to see whether he's back and to ensure that no one else suffers through his incompetence. angry

fightingyetagain Thu 01-Aug-13 06:01:06

Will do wet. I am contemplating whether to get my local MP aware or not. The problem is knowing if they have 'connections' with the other people involved or not as then it will be counter-productive. Hard to know who knows who around here. I will need support when it comes out though as there has been a lot of nastiness and mud slinging from them already to try to make it all appear my fault. They're just trying to distract from the real issues to protect their reputation.

WetAugust Thu 01-Aug-13 11:14:31

Would have thought a local councillor would be better but chosen carefully. Which party chairs the education committee? Which party has overall control - then go to the opposition who will capitalise on the fuss you create. An older rather than younger councillor has less to lose in the career stakes by supporting you. Local authorities are very politically driven bodies.

You'd probably be advised to go the complaints route anyway.

inappropriatelyemployed Thu 01-Aug-13 12:12:24

Having worked with MPs, I have heard them say to each other that they try to avoid getting involved in LA matters!

Our trouble here is that the county is true blue with little in the way of opposition councillors and certainly none worth bothering with in our town.

The one I did approach simply forwarded my email on to an LA officer and said can you answer this woman!

lougle Thu 01-Aug-13 12:35:14

And this is how the story goes. Each and every time....

Strongecoffeeismydrug Thu 01-Aug-13 13:05:13

This family have really been in my thoughts this last few days, ds was your son last year.
Bullied daily but without the vocabulary to tell me.
The teachers turned a blind eye and I was oblivious to it all ,I could just see a distressed little boy who was acting out to me because I wouldn't stop his distress( I was sending him to hell each day).
As it happens there was a problem with transport so I did the school run and I witnessed him being verbally bullied and being pushed around.
Within 5 minutes I'd arranged a meeting with class teacher, HT autism outreach manager and statementong officer.
Ds was removed that same morning, he had no school but I instantly had an happier boy.
For over 2 months ds had no school as his case went from (imaginary ) panel to another panel .
Ds had been let down by everyone and I really entered a bad space but I had to be proactive for my son.
He's now at a lovely school but its took him 10 months for the trauma of last year to begin to fade.
I can sleep better on a night know
Ing I've finally done the best for my son, I suppose what I'm trying to say is its hard to change things for your child but its got to be done.
He's only going to be a child for a short time and he needs you to be proactive now not when it's too late.

lougle Thu 01-Aug-13 13:09:37

While we're all here, can I point out this thread:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/1815437-Baby-son-MRI-bad-news

A new mum is coming to terms with a very negative MRI following meningitis. I know how easy it is for threads like this to get very few replies because they slip down the board.

WetAugust Thu 01-Aug-13 13:30:58

And this is how the story goes. Each and every time....

Yes - the annual radio silence appears to have commenced.

miemohrs Thu 01-Aug-13 20:26:48

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

zzzzz Thu 01-Aug-13 20:42:44

I don't think anyone has ever "flamed" you.

WetAugust Thu 01-Aug-13 20:47:23

Words fail me confused

I'm not reading what you appear to be. The very fact that so many have posted here is evidence that they care deeply. I think it was a bit out of order tbh to exclude WA from your list of thanks given she was the only one who told you should you move near her she would physically help you.

You asked if some of what has happened is you. Well it is. I cannot imagine how it can't have contributed considerably. But that is true to a greater or lesser extent for all of us.

But regardless the only way you can try again and have a round 2 with getting it right or even just a bit more right is by moving. You are too bound up in the situation as it currently stands and YOU need a fresh start as much as your ds does, IMVHO.

lougle Thu 01-Aug-13 20:51:53

miemohrs, what is it that you want?

If I stay I will certainly be flamed.
No. You wanted to know if you should stay and fight against the EP who you feel accused you of CP issues. We've said 'no, you should meet the needs of your DS.'

If I move and it turns out ds has no issues I fear I will be flamed.
Wouldn't that be an absolute cause for celebration??? When I discussed DD2 with her new HT, he said 'I'm concerned you'll be moving the problem.' My reply was 'If your school is a problem for DD2, then I'll know the problem is DD2. If I don't move her, I'll never know.' The answer is that some of the issues she had have disappeared, others will stay.

If I move and it turns out ds has issues that need support that should have been supported some time ago, I fear I will be flamed.
This makes no sense to me whatsoever. Firstly, you have been saying he needs support. Should that turn out to be the case, you will be validated. Secondly, you will have got the support he needs. No flaming needed. Thirdly, why are you focusing on you again?

I have enough to be getting on with, without that.
Meanwhile, you forget your DS.

How is it that as soon as you are challenged you close the hatches and bolt? Why is it that you posted - did you want us to say 'wow, that's great, stay and fight!'.

Sometimes we have to sacrifice ourselves to save our children. Forget your ego, your sense of betrayal by inadequate services. Get on with what will give you the biggest victory: Support your DS.

fightingyetagain Thu 01-Aug-13 20:53:45

All anyone has wanted to do here is to help your ds. Everyone has,and is entitled to, their own personal view. I haven't always agreed with advice given to me over the years on here but have listened and taken things on board as lots of people here have had far more experience than me in certain areas. I hope you will carefully consider all that's been said here and that it helps you to reach the right decision for your ds. Just bear in mind that every hour wasted in a non-caring environment will mean a longer 'recovery' time when he does get into the right environment. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

fightingyetagain Thu 01-Aug-13 20:58:39

By the way it's 'them' you should really be moving away from - not the supportive group here.

Miemohrs - if you move your son from a school which is not meeting his needs, and where he is being bullied, you will get nothing but applause, I am sure.

Even leaving aside the issue of special needs and whether your son does or not have a diagnosable condition, you are clearly not happy with his school, the relationship between you and them appears to have irretrievably broken down, and your son is being bullied.

You have it within your power to change this by moving, and getting your ds into a new school - something which could completely transform his life. Who knows - maybe being in a school where the staff were supportive of him and worked to meet his needs and bring the best out of him would be enough to solve his problems, without you needing a formal diagnosis.

And if he does need the level of help that can only be accessed with a formal diagnosis, you KNOW he is not going to get that diagnosis where you are, so moving is still his best option.

As I said, we moved ds2 because we moved from the south east of England to Scotland - but getting him into a school that took bullying seriously HAS transformed his life.

lisad123everybodydancenow Thu 01-Aug-13 23:09:48

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lougle Fri 02-Aug-13 12:24:08

So what do you think you're going to do?

I'm sure you're frustrated with us. Perhaps you feel let down, because we can't see why you would stay.

Have you considered seeing a counsellor to go through the issues you are facing? I'm not talking about counselling for you and your DH regarding your relationship. I'm talking about counselling regarding your DS.

Have you stepped back and tried to objectively look at whether any of the professionals you see have got a point? I don't think it's as simple as 'either they're right or you are.' It is quite possible to have a mixed presentation, where there are some small issues or even moderate ones, made worse by environment.

zzzzz Fri 02-Aug-13 14:29:41

What have you done/what are you doing about this.

"He has been spat at, called names, had property taken at school. He wont say at school (well he tries but is told to 'stop telling tales'). He comes home and tells us. School say we are making it up."

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