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Having a real shite week

(50 Posts)
frizzcat Thu 04-Jul-13 14:02:49

Before I start, I want to say sorry to those of you who are dealing with real problems - but I really can't pick myself up this week.

We had the sports day this week and there was lots of activities going on, loud music system blaring out and despite ds sensitivity to noise he completed the tasks and wanted to do it. That alone should make me jump for joy but I'm just not feeling it.
I was annoyed that the TA was leaving early and it was assumed I would escort him round the course, while other parents sat drinking tea. I hate these things anyway, I can't eat before them and I'm just a pent up ball of nerves as I wait for ds to fall apart. He never does but I just can't enjoy them, everytime a note arrives I always secretly hope that a head cold arrives to prevent ds attendance. I never stop him doing these things and actively encourage him, why should he miss out because his mum is a miserable cow!?

I have tried to persuade my dh to do more of these things, but he's self employed and he's not paid for his time. I also feel like ds ASD is my sole responsibility, I read about it, am on here countless times in a day, he's 8yrs old and I lie awake thinking about secondary school and where is the best place for ds. Dh just leaves it to me and says he trusts me - but I just think that's abdicating responsibility to me surely!!
I am so tired of chasing up schools and NHS and god knows who, that I am mentally exhausted, I wish there was a button s

I am quite outgoing at the school gate, know lots of parents (MS) - and I know they have little meet ups with all their dc, most of the time we are not included, normally i dont get annoyed about this and let them get on, after all these arent my friends. Yet when there's a mums night out I get fired with texts, emails of " you are coming ... U have to come ... Won't be the same without you" I think oh so it's just my ds that's not accepted - and I think well fuck off - its not like my ds is badly behaved, he just struggles to talk to other people.

I'm also tired if these patronising arses who come up to me after plays and sports days with their heads practically falling of their heads such is the tilt of said head "oh didn't you ds do so well aaahhhhh" what I want to do is send laser beams from my eyes and burn onto their heads "twat" and then explain, my ds did well but no better or worse than any other dc here, so straighten your head and piss off.

The thing is that ds is going really well, really working hard and I can't see the wood for the trees.

Can someone just smack me out of it please?

frizzcat Thu 04-Jul-13 14:06:07

* I wish there was a button somewhere that I could press and it would quietly blow up my head! They I could have some peace, obviously I'd want a new head back.

Also sorry for shocking grammar - the iPhone hates me

RippingYarns Thu 04-Jul-13 14:16:57

<makes brew >

can i sit next to you, please?

i've already bawled my eyes out today after having the most shitty patronising meeting yesterday with DDs school, so went into town for a bit of retail therapy

i bumped into a mum from DDs previous school and immediately felt like the shit on her shoe - no fault of hers but it landed me right back to this time last year when DD was a right mess, unrine incontinent, growling and violent at home. the move was so positive for her and she has come on leaps and bounds but..well i'm bored of the sound of my own voice about it sad

i think we feel so low because it's so hard if we switch off - the need to push and push just to get what our DCs are entitled to, never mind if anyone did anything out of the goodness of their hearts, is relentless

<opens cake tin>

PolterGoose Thu 04-Jul-13 14:18:29

No smacks shock

I can empathise a bit, except I really don't speak to any other parents, and am a bit of a playground pariah since ds was so awful during infants sad

Some things just hit home and highlight our children's differences and difficulties more than others.

Be kind to yourself flowers

RippingYarns Thu 04-Jul-13 14:21:48

i don't talk to any parents at DDs school either, the one i approached when DD latched onto her DD now avoids me like the plague

i'd like to think it's her loss, but it's not is it?

she's the one making chit-chat, i'm the one dreading what sort of state my child will come out of class in

frizzcat Thu 04-Jul-13 14:42:10

I'll let you into a little secret, I don't talk to these people because I'm a social animal - it's my own personal PR ploy, if I have the dps on side then it might make it harder for their dc's to be mean to my ds. That side of things has worked fairly well tbh.
But I just thought to myself this week, I am killing myself here and it will never be good enough, what's the bloody point!
There is something to be said for not talking to other dps.

Ripping I also did retail therapy today, had dd 2yrs with me. She spotted a peppa pig t-shirt "oh mummy, I like peppa pig!" I was getting her some bits so I handed it to her while I was looking at some shorts. I turned around, she'd taken off her top and was putting the peppa pig t-shirt on. There was bloody murder when I took it off her and put her own top back on, two dummies were fired and lost. Luckily a woman came past with a baby and peppa was forgotten blush

flowwithit Thu 04-Jul-13 14:46:04

My son has ASD dx so I know what you mean and its stressful and frustrating. I was pleased to be out of primary school and the chat at the gates fair sports day etc. I think we all get like this sometimes so your feelings are normal.
Trying to get SA and NHS sorted is even more complicated slow and inefficient. Not to mention the worries day to day and about the future.
It sounds like you need a rest/time out/more support if that's at all possible smilejust make an excuse if you don't want to socialise with school mums they will soon stop asking and get the message. Try to see your own real friends though. Summer holidays will give you a break from it for a while.

Ifcatshadthumbs Thu 04-Jul-13 14:52:11

I think you must be me (and I think you have my DH too). I'm having a right old pity party this week and have no intention of snapping out of it until the weekend. I even went back to bed this morning after school drop off so I could wallow in comfortable misery.

frizzcat Thu 04-Jul-13 15:34:23

I have circled round the same mess for 20mins - I just can not be arsed

RippingYarns Thu 04-Jul-13 15:39:03

my house is a tip

i don't care

it'll still be there tomorrow

ouryve Thu 04-Jul-13 16:46:33

winewinewine (it is nearly 5 o'clock, after all!)

You're allowed to vent, you know. There's no need to apologise. Tiptoeing around with primary school age human TNT is bloody exhausting, epecially if you feel unsupported.

Sports day with loud music is my idea of torture. Sports day without loud music is painful enough.

ouryve Thu 04-Jul-13 16:49:02

I sometimes kick a path in everything and leave it on the floor all day. The first thing DS2 does when he gets home is tip it all out again, anyhow!

frizzcat Thu 04-Jul-13 16:58:55

I've given up - dc are over the moon as they're getting fish and chips

He did so well he enjoyed and coped so well - that's why I so annoyed at myself for not being happy

Ifcatshadthumbs Thu 04-Jul-13 21:06:18

Macdonalds for mine tonight! I never enjoy any event until it's over without incident and by then the moment has passed.

frizzcat Thu 04-Jul-13 21:37:06

It's such a shame not to enjoy these things
But actually, it's made me feel better to hear I'm not the only one, unless you have a child with an SN you just don't get it.

MovingForward0719 Fri 05-Jul-13 00:00:57

I hear you. My little mate is leaving his mainstream school in two weeks for special school. Apart from all the positive things for him, the best part for me will be not having to stand there like a lemon in the playground with all those po-faced pillocks. To be fair, my eye contact is worse than his these days, but I am still teaumatised from the year that was foundation. Rant away.

MovingForward0719 Fri 05-Jul-13 00:01:18


frizzcat Fri 05-Jul-13 00:10:15

Foundation - is that reception? Yes reception was fairly shite for us too
Hope your ds loves his new school - and there aren't any judgy knickers there

Ifcatshadthumbs Fri 05-Jul-13 09:06:50

I have to confess I kept him off school for his reception nativity, couldn't face the "fear"

jocook Sat 06-Jul-13 07:32:01

Your rant has made my morning!!!! I feel exactly the same about all types of public outing. My gorgeous girl (4.5, ASD) doesn't start school (Infant assessment class within MS) til September so got all the school based horrors to come. But you are so right...unless your the parent and the responsibility of sorting out the meltdown is yours, you just don't get it!!! I push us as a family to do things all the time but sometimes the energy just leaves you doesn't it. We went to pub for lunch last sunday and had to pay full adult price for DDs meal though I knew fine well she would eat 3 carrots and half a yorkie.....she just wanted to stand dancing in the middle of the thoroughfare by the end of the meal I hadn't tasted a thing and was borderline tears for the rest of the day......and half the next week thinking about it!!!! ; )

BlackeyedSusan Sat 06-Jul-13 14:33:27

passes ripping yarns 2 carefully sharpened carring carrots per patronising participant, plus a wooden mallet.

insert one carrot in each patronising nose and ram them home with a mallet.

there will follow a short intermissiopn while i let loose a series of swear words about patronising gits and school.

BlackeyedSusan Sat 06-Jul-13 22:31:08

how are you doing?
hope your weekend went well.

frizzcat Sat 06-Jul-13 22:51:01

The weekend has been smoother - I started to feel better on Friday, I think because I got it all out and then you lot rolled in like cavalry - thanks so much flowers

Took myself off to the hairdressers this morning for 3hrs - played loud music on my iPod, and read trashy magazines, which was bliss.

Sometimes you just need someone to hold you up and push you forward, but I think a lot of us on here are the drivers of getting support for our dc that all the other people around us just sit back and let us crack on - well everyone around me has been reminded this week, that I need help too! Lots of sheepish walking on eggshells, them not me! grin

BlackeyedSusan Sat 06-Jul-13 23:25:45


glad you got time to recover a bit. take the next week or so easy too otherwise you might end up back where you started.

Badvoc Sun 07-Jul-13 13:51:05

You know what?
I think (and my friend who has been through similar agrees) that I am suffering frm PTSD.
It's been such a hard road with ds1 and he is doing so well...enjoyed his induction days at high school, and is happy.
So...why aren't I? sad

frizzcat Sun 07-Jul-13 14:34:34

I often wonder that Badvoc. A few years ago I did have a spell on AD's and it did help but it doesn't give the answers to the real questions?
Am I doing right by my child?
Am I doing everything I can?
Will my child function independently as an adult?

A friend of my with an SN child once said to me that those are worries that all parents have - the difference with us is that our battle has been picked and is known before anyone else's is .....

Badvoc Sun 07-Jul-13 14:38:20

I scoffed at her at first tbh....but then I sat and thought about it.
I have fought with GPS, hvs, paeds, teachers, Sencos etc all to get my son the help he needs.
The irony is he doesn't really need it anymore (which is great) but then - logically - I should be happy as larry, right?
Except I'm not.
My years of experience in the world of sen have shown me things I will never/can never forget.
It's hard for me to relax knowing there are so many other kids being failed on a daily basis by the very people (often paid by the state) to help them.

TOWIELA Sun 07-Jul-13 14:45:56

I know what you mean badvoc. I have been fighting my LA tooth and nail for the last 18 months. Prior to that I was fighting his school for 4 years.

I have been through some real crap in my life including ex walking out on me after getting his leg over the bike at the school gate and leaving me to bring two very small children without any support whatsoever from him.

But nothing compares to the nastiness and corruption of my fight with LA!

Badvoc Sun 07-Jul-13 15:17:03

I have heard things I can't I hear iyswim?
So although my ds1 is now leaving this school my ds2 starts in sept and it's hard for me...knowing what they think of kids with sen.
The deputy HT said in a meeting I was at (I think she fighting I was there) that "we all know that is kids haven't reached level x by end of ks1 they never will"
Luckily, I think that's a crock of shit and my ds has gone from level 1s in year 3 to level 4s in year 5.

Badvoc Sun 07-Jul-13 15:17:42

Un hear that should have read!

coff33pot Mon 08-Jul-13 02:13:36

I think what exhausts us is that the battling doesnt really stop does it? The major biggie wears us out, the disbelief wears us down and when we are believed its a hard one to bear as we didnt want any of this for our children in the first place and not the strain it causes for our families.

At each stage there is another hurdle to jump either in annual reviews, IEPs, moving on up schools, fresh teachers, its never ending.

My dread at the moment is seeing that DS is doing well but maturity wise the gap is widening very fast indeed between him and his peers sad that is something I have no control over or can currently improve.

Oh and sports day just doesnt exist in this house. He just point blank refuses any PE right up to the build up of the big day. But this year I have asked that as its his first in this school that he is given "jobs" with his TA so he can at least experience the event from afar and have at least some social practice on handing drinks out etc.

coff33pot Mon 08-Jul-13 02:15:20

oh and yes my ADs are a regular each morning with my multi vits lol! grin

Badvoc Mon 08-Jul-13 07:10:53

Was talking to mil about it last night but she doesn't really get it.
As far as she is concerns ds1 is fine so sy aren't I.
I wish it were that simple.
I think it's all coming to a head for me this week tbh.
It's last week of pre school for ds2 (and it's closing and I am taking the card and gifts in today for the teachers) and its ds1s last week at primary.
He is taking it all in his stride....wish I was!

Badvoc Mon 08-Jul-13 07:11:11

Coff...still thinking of you and dd {hugs}

coff33pot Mon 08-Jul-13 08:43:22

Thanks Bochead x

My mil doesn't get DS let alone anything else lol!

That is another thing though I think we do panic more than our kids sometimes! I guess when faced with closed doors and stubborn ill informed proffs the panic button goes in and won't pop out again smile

Hope it all goes ok Bochead. Two kids moving on and moving up in one summer is bound to be an emotional ride x

claw2 Mon 08-Jul-13 09:45:37

Frizzcat sorry had to laugh at your description of burning twat onto their heads and telling them to fuck off grin at least you still have your sense of humour!

Glad you are feeling better after a visit to the hairdresser.

merlincat Mon 08-Jul-13 11:18:21

I had a lovely comment from Dh yesterday; Dd 1 is 17 so I too have had over 10 years of smarming round parents, teachers and being the play-date queen so others would consider behaving decently to Dd. She's doing ok but the process has taken everything I have - you'll know what I mean by that. So yesterday Dh said that I am "obsessed" with Dd, that I feed of f her condition because it ensures unconditional love from her and that I am addicted to that. I assured him that what I would infinitely prefer would be for her to come rolling in pissed each night, be covered in tattoos and have a string of dodgy boyfriends rather than to be the anxious and often lonely girl that she is.

It is fucking breathtaking, it really is. Hijack over.

frizzcat Mon 08-Jul-13 11:21:12

Yes, do love a hair appointment - even I can't make it look the way they do!

Coff you've just hit the nail on the head, it's the never ending fight and pushing mixed with the anger and upset of the unfairness of the system and a dx. Also hope your dd is ok

I'm fighting back this week, picking myself up and dusting myself off - what else can you do? Apart from trying to invent lasers that I can burn people with smile

badvoc dm maintains there is nothing wrong with ds, occasionally she acknowledges that there's something wrong and comes out with the classic of "he'll grow out of it" angry. Her dp usually follows up with " they didn't have all this nonsense in my day, kids all played together and did their work"
The last time he said this - I fixed him with my "look" and said "well they didn't have HIV in your day but they exist don't they?" Another twat candidate. Maybe I should resurrect my "bastard list" thread??

NoHaudinMaWheest Mon 08-Jul-13 12:00:17

Merlincat that is so way out of order from your Dh. I can sympathise; my Dh has told me more than once that I should be satisfied as I now have the disabled child I always wanted.

Ds is 16, on the whole things are not too bad at the moment with him. But we seem to lurch from one crisis to another and inbetween I try to sort the longer term stuff.

It is utterly exhausting but we cannot afford to let things go never mind give up.

Coff thinking of your dd too.
How are things looking for Ds next year? Good idea about sports day. Ds was message runner for his first secondary sports day and really enjoyed it for a change. (And probably got more exercise than anyone else!)

Badvoc Mon 08-Jul-13 12:25:29

Merlincat...omg. Just....omg. sad and yes, I know exactly what you mean. Ds1 is doing well but I feel broken.
Mil didn't speak to me for 2 weeks when we took ds1 out of school and home schooled for a year...
Cue a few months down the line and home ed "is the best thing we ever did" !!!!&£??&£??!

Badvoc Mon 08-Jul-13 12:27:22

First horrid thing this week over with...a presentation of cards and gifts for the teachers at ds2s pre school (it's closing)
The other parents asked me to give a short speech which I did....managed to doit without crying too helps that I practised it 6 times at home
Just got ds1s leavers tea and disco on thurs and the leavers assembly on Friday.
I shall have wept myself into a decline by Friday afternoon smile

frizzcat Mon 08-Jul-13 12:50:20

Merlincat - sounds like the baby of the house isn't getting enough attention.... Ah diddums to your poor dh and I'll throw in a bucket of ice cold water over his head - free of charge. I sincerely hope you are taking him to task over this?

Yes the fight does take everything and I often feel there is nothing left of me. So it's fucking irritating when those around you don't see that the reason our dc are coping is because we have done everything to make sure they cope including using a crystal ball and telepathy ffs !!

frizzcat Mon 08-Jul-13 13:17:56

Badvoc casually walk around with Piriton in your hand - make sure you wave the piriton around n a theatrical style whilst talking to people.
When you start blubbing, say its hay fever and hold up your piriton

Badvoc Mon 08-Jul-13 13:21:32

Good idea frizz!

merlincat Mon 08-Jul-13 15:12:40

Thanks Frizz. He is AS himself (not that it excuses being an ARSE). He was pretty sorry he'd opened his mouth by the time I'd finished with him grin but I'll hold your kind offer in reserve.

Oh the tilty, head brigade, don't you just love them? Every fibre of your being is just longing to say 'actually, you can stuck your sympathy up your fucking arse because MY KID IS SO MUCH NICER THAN YOURS!'

frizzcat Wed 10-Jul-13 11:53:17

Oh holy knickers - I think I need to stay home for about 6mths!

We have a lollipop lady near our school and she's lovely, but she's not very good a picking a safe time to venture out onto the road, and having spoken to this lovely lady over the years I suspect that she may have some form of disability - I think learning or social.
Anyhow, this morning I saw her step out to stop the traffic and a car had to stop in a really unsafe position, which nearly caused an accident.
I was walking with another mum, who's ds also has ASD and is in the same class as my ds.
I commented that I worried sometimes that the lollipop lady would get hurt and I sometimes close my eyes when she steps out.
The other mum said "yeah, I think she's a bit simple". I was really shocked and said "actually that's not a nice thing to say"
The other mum said that it was a term used in her country and what should she say - I said I wasn't sure but don't say "simple" it's not nice.
She then took her ds and then ran off down the road confused blush

I had to track her down after the school run to make sure she was ok, apologise if I was being harsh, but we would both hate it if someone said that about our dc - and so I'm sensitive to any derogatory terms about disabled people. She was upset because she said she was embarrassed.
Do I need to grow a thicker skin?

NoHaudinMaWheest Wed 10-Jul-13 12:15:56

No I think you were right to pick her up on it and it seems you didn't do it in an insensitive way.

I think some people like you are sensitive to all kinds of derogatory language and others only pick up on things that relate to them or their Dcs. However someone who is aware of some inapproriate language is likely to be more receptive to learning about other terms.

I say well done for being brave enough to say something.

PolterGoose Wed 10-Jul-13 12:21:24

What NoHaudin said, you were right to challenge her. Simple is an awful word to use about a person angry

Badvoc Wed 10-Jul-13 12:47:55

You were 110% right frizz.

mummytime Wed 10-Jul-13 14:15:56

I think you did right, especially as you apologised afterwards.

It is just very very hard, because we don't know what other shit is going on in others lives.

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