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What would you do??

(40 Posts)
inappropriatelyemployed Thu 09-May-13 21:32:58

OK, bit of a problem.

A new family arrived at DS school. From same county as us. Put their daughter in the school without putting her on the roll while they were going through the statement process. Kid was in school full time and freaking out. Parents left staff to cope even though kid wasn't on roll and school had no support/TA for her. Just wanted evidence for statementing so two months later, pulled her out of school once statement was about to be issued.

They started to ask me to take their DD home a few times and she had tea here. Lovely girl. Just not coping with school. Parents always late to pick her up and then stayed hours talking through their issues.

Problem is family have now become a bit of a pain. Dad turned up on my doorstep at 7 last Friday to 'chat'

They email me late at night and have twice tried to ring me way past 9pm. I screened and avoided them.

I am really not a 'rules' person and would help anyone but they are taking the piss,They know I have DS out of school and I feel they just took advantage of DS's school.

I really don't want get dragged into their weird world. What should I do?

zzzzz Thu 09-May-13 21:48:38

You are now very busy because you are setting up homeschool. You can't do unplanned visits because it will interrupt (be firm). Don't respond to late night calls or emails and they will stop because it doesn't get them what they need.

What they did re statements and school is immaterial. Their lack of manners and boundaries needs addressing.

Just what you need! angry

inappropriatelyemployed Thu 09-May-13 21:53:55

Thanks. I suppose I mention school etc because I don't want to get dragged into whatever they are up to. They have been rude and difficult with school staff and I have a good relationship with school. I just don't want to get involved.

But the lack of manners is a deal breaker!

What zzzzz said. Anyway, why weren't you watching Politician's husband after you pointed it out to me and subsequently tied me up for an hour 3 weeks in a row?

I'm not as organised as you I don';t think, so I lose friends all the time unitentionally but just not responding or getting back. Non-response is very effective and disappearing people whether you intended the outcome or not.

And if their manners are that bad, then you really don't need to worry about yours. They probably won't notice anyway.

inappropriatelyemployed Thu 09-May-13 22:34:02

Was watching politicians husband - Tis the beauty of the ipad or the sad side of the ipad. Can type and watch TV!

Thanks. I will just ignore and they are certainly not friends - I barely know them but have tried to help them- but turning up on my doorstep is a bit worrying hmm

PolterGoose Thu 09-May-13 22:34:49

What they ^ said.

ouryve Thu 09-May-13 22:37:21

And you've just jogged my memory that I owe a friend an email, star.

The only calls DH and I accept after about 8pm, unless arranged, are our parents. And they know not to call, then.

PolterGoose Thu 09-May-13 22:41:23

I never answer the phone unless I know who it is and I have the time to talk to them, being somewhat controlling in nature I tend not to answer. Caller display is one of my favourite inventions.

Oh I never answer the phone either. If I wanted to speak to whoever it was, I would have called THEM right?

inappropriatelyemployed Thu 09-May-13 22:45:00

What about when they start turning up!! Silly problem but one I've never encountered before which probably demonstrates how odd the behaviour is!

Just say,' sorry I'm making dinner, bathing the kids, working to an urgent deadline, late for an appointment etc.

OR, just don't answer the door at all, even if it is obvious you are in. You have no legal or moral duty to open when someone knocks. Why is that any more rude than them turning up unnannounced?

PolterGoose Thu 09-May-13 22:51:46

You're probably a lot nicer and politer than me, I tend to give off 'fuck off vibes' and have a tendency towards plain rudeness.

So, I would either not open the door to them, or open it a little, say something along the lines of "we are in the middle of something right now, it's really not a good time" and shut the door, all said in a slightly prim and proper clipped fashion. I would not apologise or explain why, because I don't have to explain myself. See, I'm just rude grin

inappropriatelyemployed Thu 09-May-13 22:53:51

I think I'll have to be rude actually because they won't pick up vibes. He turned up last week and invited himself in even though we were putting kids to bed and unpacking shopping.

We made very obvious hints about it not being a good time. OK directness it will have to be.

I don't know that it is that rude tbh.

Some people, for some reason, just can't pick up the social cues.

DS will get a lot further in life it people can just tell him what they want him to do, and you know what, he'll be relieved, not take it to heart.

PolterGoose Thu 09-May-13 23:00:08

It is seen as rude to be honest and direct though isn't it?

zzzzz Thu 09-May-13 23:07:56

"I'm sorry I can't stop now I'm....." Teaching, on the phone, eating, I have guests coming, I'm busy, I wish you'd called.

At no point do you let them in, you walk with them towards the road.

I hate unannounced visitors. People on one level know I have 5 children and HE ds and work from home, but they still fail to realise I don't really have free time. Given notice I can juggle things (which I do for people I like), sometimes I just can't and their 1 or 2 hour chat, means I miss 1 or 2 hours sleep.

Man up, and don't be a push over you wimp. grin

I suppose so, in our current culture anyway.

But perhaps it will become less so the more social media is used and the busier people are getting perhaps.

However, 'I'm afraid I don't have time to speak to you right now, please don't come to my house unnanounced' isn't quite the same as 'fuck off' is it!?

inappropriatelyemployed Thu 09-May-13 23:09:23

I know what you mean Star and that is partly my concern that the dad in particular doesn't realise for some reason he has crossed a line.

Mum is much more savvy but she lets him do all the interacting.

inappropriatelyemployed Thu 09-May-13 23:10:24

Perhaps a polite email setting out good times to contact someone might help.

'Man up, and don't be a push over you wimp. '

Said to the gal that is JRing the LGO........ha ha ha!


Aw hope you sort this IE. Just compare this thing to your REAL problems and how you deal with it will become unimportant.

zzzzz Thu 09-May-13 23:13:45

Do you care if they think you're rude?

inappropriatelyemployed Thu 09-May-13 23:15:08

Yes I know but it is funny how these things can intrude on your very limited private space in a really intrusive way.

I didn't want to be an arse zzzzz if he didnt really get he was being out of order (but he has a wife so surely she would have pointed this out) but you are right I shall be man up!!

zzzzz Thu 09-May-13 23:15:49

What's "JRing the LGO"?????

ouryve Thu 09-May-13 23:18:33

Judicial review
Local Government Somethingorother

PolterGoose Thu 09-May-13 23:18:52

(erm, just want to point out that I hate the phrase "man up", especially in view of all the extremely strong, assertive women on this board fighting for their children, "man up" really feels wrong, and I know it's just words, but words are powerful)

zzzzz Thu 09-May-13 23:22:58

I'm sorry polt I know, I know. I am addicted to such nonsense, they just make me laugh.


You're right PG, as usual.

Language is strange. I'm more of a 'communication' person than a 'language' person, I'm sure is obvious from my appalling use of language in general, and shared meaning can often have no relevance or link to the origin of a word, though I agree there are better words with no history.

inappropriatelyemployed Thu 09-May-13 23:32:02

PG it is not often I am accused of being not 'man' enough! Just trying to be sensitive to a family having problems while bearing in mind that the dad at least is a very difficult character to be around. Maybe because he has no manners or is selfish or self obsessed or maybe he just doesn't understand these rules.

You've sorted me anyway!

MareeyaDolores Fri 10-May-13 00:00:49

Ah, just politely state the boundaries.

'I'm sorry, but we only take visitors between x and y pm, and I need z notice so I can warn DS / lock the dogs up / fumigate the sofa / clear the illegal settlement out of the basement

It's much easier to chat in a cafe than by phone / text / facebook I'm usually in Starbucks on Tue 10am. That's the best place to collar me."

MareeyaDolores Fri 10-May-13 00:01:24

Rinse and repeat. He'll get the message eventually.

PolterGoose Fri 10-May-13 08:19:46

We need to remember that parents of children with SNs are just as diverse a group as any other, so just because you can empathise with their situation regarding their child doesn't mean you necessarily have anything else in common or have to like them.

And thanks all for not taking umbrage at my 'man up' comment.

KeepOnKeepingOn1 Fri 10-May-13 09:04:05

DS1 has found coming downstairs for assessments a challenge. He will stand at the top of the stairs saying 'manning up, manning up' descend a couple of steps and then say 'oh no, girling down, girling down' and go back up (Homer in a Simpsons episode).

Obviously politically and as a strong woman myself I disapprove but I couldn't help but laugh. Also he may be reproducing gender stereotypes but he is using scripted humour to deal with a difficult real-life situation hmm I prefer to interpret it as postmodern irony grin

PolterGoose Fri 10-May-13 09:12:23

Keep grin

zzzzz Fri 10-May-13 09:21:12


I will try not to "man up" in polts company. I would find "girling down" in face of assessment just brilliant. I don't know why I find this kind of language so funny. Perhaps because the concept of man being superior to woman is just so.....stupid?

<whispers I laugh at fart jokes too>. < MNSN hara kiri >

Ah yes. But PG is right, we shouldn't be using it, because that shows acceptance, even if used humourously.

A bit like Irish people making Irish jokes etc.

Incidently, if you saw Politicians Husband, the ending was blimmin obvious to me, but dh called it a 'twist'! hmm

If you haven't seen it, a husband and wife were in competition in politics (though the competitiveness and agressive behaviuor came mostly from him), and the woman came out on top.

zzzzz Fri 10-May-13 09:42:23

polt is absolutely right.

PolterGoose Fri 10-May-13 09:45:25

Star shock I've only seen the first episode, we haven't got round to the others yet... I've been a bit reluctant after reading about the rape scene in episode 2, how bad was it?

Oops, sorry if I spoiled a bit. blush

The rape scene was bad. I don't watch that kind of stuff willingly so perhaps I'm more shocked/sensitive but it bothered me for a few days after.

It's at the beginning though so it is over with before you are hooked into the tv, so perhaps you can be clearing away plates or looking for the remote or whatever.

I couldn't make up my mind whether it was strictly necessary to have it, but actually I think it probably is pretty key part of the story.

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