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HELP! Cant get ds to comply with meds and FII against me? PLS HELP!

(115 Posts)
miemohrs Tue 19-Feb-13 09:51:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lougle Tue 19-Feb-13 10:58:50

What's the name of the cream, meimohrs?

miemohrs Tue 19-Feb-13 11:00:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

miemohrs Tue 19-Feb-13 11:02:31

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lougle Tue 19-Feb-13 11:11:03

Elocon shouldn't be used on broken skin.

lougle Tue 19-Feb-13 11:21:47

I think you need to perhaps go to the chemist? Ask them for advice, because the Elocon should not be used on broken skin (the biggest challenge with eczema, IMO) and will sting like absolute fire.

I had elocon and even on inflamed skin it was excruciatingly stingy. I had to just force myself to rub it in and it felt like fire for several minutes - and I'm an adult!

miemohrs Tue 19-Feb-13 11:34:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

utterlyscared1 Tue 19-Feb-13 11:52:39

Just a suggestion - could you book an appointment with nurse at the surgery? Take the cream with you and explain the situation ie GP has prescribed this cream, your DS won't apply himself and rubs it off when you apply it. Ask if she has any ideas? Explain your previous strategy of applying a dressing but you've now been advised not to do this. At least then she could try to apply it and see your DS's reaction and you'll have a witness (albeit not wholly independent) that it is your DS who is averse to having the cream applied and not that you merely aren't bothering.

lougle Tue 19-Feb-13 11:57:32

Well the covering I can understand. The cream has steroids in it and covering the site of application results in more cream being absorbed than should be. That means that the steroids which should have just affected the skin are becoming systemic and affecting the whole body. This is particularly so for children. The worst is when the cream is used on the buttocks, then a nappy is applied.

Could you try offering an ice pack on the area first (covered in a tea towel, of course) so that it reduces the sensation? The amount of cream he needs should be barely visible once applied. You shouldn't have a layer of cream visible.

miemohrs Tue 19-Feb-13 12:09:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lougle Tue 19-Feb-13 12:15:24

That cream should not be used on broken skin. If it's that bad, you need something else I think.

MareeyaDolores Tue 19-Feb-13 12:15:34

Paracetamol AND ibuprofen maximum doses 30min before cream application. Then what lougle said.

YY to see practice nurse, and/or GP again. Bring all the creams with you this time wink. Most creams sting, because they have water and preservatives in them. Greasy-ointment-steroid is not as bad, because it's less complicated: just fat and medication. In fairness to the GP, they can't calm the eczema down without a steroid, so it looks like some sort of stingy potion has to go on.

MareeyaDolores Tue 19-Feb-13 12:17:59

just googled: elocon comes as ointment as well as cream... d'you think GP wd switch it if you (or the pharmacist/ practice nurse) asked nicely?

MareeyaDolores Tue 19-Feb-13 12:19:00

the antibiotics will help but take a couple of days to get going

miemohrs Tue 19-Feb-13 12:27:48

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MareeyaDolores Tue 19-Feb-13 12:52:01

ah now eyedrops... my specialist subject (best friend's dc had terrible eye issues and has literally tried all sorts) Nedocromil stings really horribly. Sodium cromoglycate not as bad but 6hourly so pain in the ar*e. Olopatadine not too stingy but it's a bit 'rare' (they got it off eye specialist to start with). Ended up with steroid eyedrops which is normally a no-no, but little choice.

Steroid nose spray eventually opened up the tear ducts nicely, which in combination with antihistamines calmed down the eye allergy indirectly.

miemohrs Tue 19-Feb-13 13:18:17

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MareeyaDolores Tue 19-Feb-13 19:04:06

Her dc has awful eczema too (plus asthma, and reactions to some foods...) and she does this as well as the medical treatments. And she got some special t-shirts off ebay second hand, as local NHS says they're too expensive and not proven.

MareeyaDolores Wed 20-Feb-13 01:09:21

Just back from wine with said friend grin. she says tell you nedocromil is amazing and worth the pain.

Also says that if you sneak up on a deeply sleeping dc, you can usually get it in without waking them and without them noticing the sting (maybe cos lids been closed so eyes nice and moist???)

miemohrs Wed 20-Feb-13 09:27:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bigpants1 Wed 20-Feb-13 14:54:04

Why r u Stiiiiiil considering Private School after everything folk on this board said to you???? I don't recall a single poster thinking it would be a good idea, not least because they didn't want your ds, were not supportive of SEN, & a Lawyers letter is not going to change that intrinsic attitude. It really would be out of the frying pan into the fire. Regardless of a Bursary, your ds, by your own postings, struggles academically, so I cannot understand why you would want to subject him to more stress. Also, as was pointed out, a change to the Private school would still mean the same Health Profs. which is where a lot of your problems are.
IMO you would be better to bide your time at this school, & try & fight with your Education Lawyer to get better support for ds.
Go to this meeting on Friday, & listen to what they have to say. Don't get into arguments & as Starlight said, don't tell them any future plans you have-eg, seeing Education Lawyer. Good Luck.

miemohrs Wed 20-Feb-13 20:18:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lougle Wed 20-Feb-13 22:26:26

The private school will not be helpful. They will not say 'oh my goodness he's bright...let's give him support with his dyslexia because no child ever before with dyslexia has been bright.'

It is a private school. They don't have LA support. They don't have SN budgets. If a child needs SN support, the parents pay.

The only difference between this school and the one you're at, in terms of support is that you currently pay nothing for no support, and you'll then be paying 15% fees for no support, with no recourse for complaint.

A solicitor's letter threatening them unless they take your DS is really going to set you up for a positive working relationship hmm

This is no fairytale story, miemhors. There isn't a 'happily ever after' waiting in the wings where you are. There really isn't. Much as I'd love there to be.

NameChanger4 Thu 21-Feb-13 06:37:29

It was obvious that the private school didn't want your ds last time around and would not support his SEN so what's changed?
I know of a child who is incredibly bright with a scholarship to a top notch private school but appears to have some undiagnosed sn's. He hardly ever attends school because of his anxieties but the parents are still paying the sizeable termly fee's sad. Also, I have relative who is a dht at a private school and often mentions the 'quirky' children there who they 'have to put up with' hmm. These children get no help and I was told that providing the fee's are paid the school doesn't worry about them or their problems.
If you put your ds into such a school it will be out of the frying pan into the fire.

miemohrs Thu 21-Feb-13 07:44:48

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lougle Thu 21-Feb-13 10:15:10

Well my objective view, putting aside all the other stuff because it's like shifting sands, is that education is not the remit of Paediatricians, so why would you run it past them? They've made it very clear they think you are trying to get support for your DS that is unnecessary.

miemohrs Thu 21-Feb-13 11:34:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lougle Thu 21-Feb-13 12:29:40

If there is any grain of truth in that, even if you don't agree that it is 'all' about that, but even a little bit, then why on earth would you risk putting him in a school which doesn't want him, meaning you'd have to move him again?

miemohrs Thu 21-Feb-13 13:02:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lougle Thu 21-Feb-13 13:06:42

I'm missing something here confused Why have you gone straight to Solicitors letter without first simply talking to them? Have you attempted to talk to them? Did they refuse to discuss it?

If they did refuse to discuss it, how is a solicitor's threat going to change that?

No harm in trying to build bridges, but if they can't be built then a solicitor can't make it happen.

Forget the solicitor. Charm them yourself or give up. This WILL NOT WORK any other way.

miemohrs Thu 21-Feb-13 16:06:41

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lougle Thu 21-Feb-13 16:13:45

miemohrs...be very, very, very careful here.

"we misunderstood and he does have a place but pls could we be more precise about where he fits in under the discrimination law?"

The only basis for the Equalities Act being used is that he does indeed have a disability and is being discriminated against on the basis of that disability.

You say "I dont know if my son has SN / asd. I have a noncommital dx. Report does say he has asd traits, esp anxiety."

You have a Paed and Ed Psych saying that he does not have a disability.

Please don't misunderstand me here, I'm just trying to illustrate to you how badly this could go.

Why would they need to see more precisely how he fits in under the discrimination law, IF he has a place and there was a misunderstanding? Why aren't they just saying 'goodness me....we see how it sounded now, but that's not true at all, he has a place.'???

Why do they care where he fits, if he has a place?

From the Paed POV, you are reinforcing your view that he has a disability, which they have clearly told you is not the case, by using disability legislation to secure a place which otherwise rejected your DS (let's not get into the possibilities of why right now - you don't actually know).

I am very worried about this, tbh. This could trap you into a position you won't find it easy to get out of.

lougle Thu 21-Feb-13 16:14:28

If it had been a misunderstanding, they could have said in October "Ok, let's give it a 3 day/3 week/ one term trial..."

miemohrs Thu 21-Feb-13 16:48:20

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BeeMom Thu 21-Feb-13 17:07:50

One other consideration - the bursary is likely LONG GONE. The LA is surely not going to foot the bill, and now that you have had a solicitor threaten them, they are hardly going to say "sure, come on over, and while we're at it... here's a boatload of money you do not have to spend".

You burned that bridge. They said they were not able to adequately support your DS... why you want him to attend there is beyond me. Frankly, I am confused by your motivations through all of this. Sending an unstable and fragile child into an environment that is being forced under duress and discrimination accusations to begrudgingly accept him is setting him up for failure.

Your DS is struggling at school. OK - that is fact.
There are several professionals who question the veracity of your claims to the degree of SEN/SN he has, and have said that in no uncertain terms. The fact that you are adamant that he has these challenges despite the preponderance of evidence stating otherwise has led to SS/CP interventions and now FII concerns. You insist vehemently that this is a conspiracy to ensure your DS does not have access to the help you feel he requires.
Even the private professional you paid for would not formally diagnose him with ASD.
Yes, he has anxiety - another fact.
Does it not occur to you that the adversarial relationships that you seem to have surrounding you might be contributing to his anxiety? That the stress level in your home whenever anything school related comes up might be affecting him? Do you believe he is immune to that?

What are you doing educationally for him at home? Instead of fighting all of these battles that even if you DO win, are going to leave all the combatants so intensely scarred that their interactions will be forced at best and hostile at worst, how about taking that same time and energy and arming yourself with techniques that you can use with him at home to try and navigate the road at school? What sort of future do you envision for him?

You said "I know he needs ways to suceed at school which dont involve reading and writing" (sic) but the building blocks must be there. How do you perform a science experiment? By reading other information, forming a hypothesis, recording your results in writing and then summarizing it all. Otherwise, it is play - and while discovery play is definitely important, with the high IQ you say he has, the time comes where it is more play and less discovery.

My DS is highly gifted and learning disabled, and has AS as well. Throughout his school career, he has had NO 1:1/statement support... what he has had is parental support. We would find something he liked, and work backwards. He liked cellular biology, so we read. I read to him, he read to me. We built cells together, he labelled the parts and learned what they did. He wrote a report, we edited it together. He learned how to learn - I learned how he learns.

He is now in Y9 and doing well in school - many of his courses are at the Enriched level. We didn't get to this point by me fighting the school, we got to this point when I said "Alright, if the school is unable to give him the support I feel he needs, it is up to me".

What I find more exceptional than any of the rest of this however, is how you have once again managed to turn a seemingly unrelated initial post (how do I get DS to apply and keep on his medicated cream) into the same old post it has been a dozen times before. Once again, forum members are telling you the same things over and over, getting frustrated and clearly not understanding what your resistance to what seems so very logical to the rest of us.

Perhaps this seems harsh - but it is intended to be. I have only responded to one of your threads in the past, and I will say the same thing again. You have lost your focus - IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU!

Until you are able to grasp this, put your pride aside and work with your DS instead of against the school, you are at real risk of permanently harming him or losing him to a CP concern altogether (particularly now that there is a concern of FII).

MareeyaDolores Thu 21-Feb-13 22:49:06

OP, don't get scared off the thread. BeeMom has nicely laid out for you what the meeting could involve. Her intentions are impeccable. There is doubtless some stuff in there which will be useful to your ds once you're over the initial sting.

Much better to hear it from someone who isn't part of the WickerVille clan, so calm down, and reflect on how your situation could look from different angles and perspectives (--ie theory of mind-- which i also find hard, and my own AQ score was borderline wink)

miemohrs Thu 21-Feb-13 23:18:03

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

miemohrs Thu 21-Feb-13 23:22:13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MareeyaDolores Fri 22-Feb-13 00:18:05

Honk. And read through BeeMom's post again. It's blunt, and in her words 'seems harsh' but she's telling you important things:
1- local professionals totally disagree with you, and DK wasn't 100% clear
2- ongoing SS/ CP /FII concerns are a big problem
3- private school option is long gone
4- his anxiety and school struggles are fact
5- adversarial relationships and stress will make these worse

None of this is new. In fact, you've said almost all these things yourself. I'm going to paraphrase the rest of it, cos its potentially really useful to your ds and you, and I'm not sure you'll take it on board otherwise:

6. schools may stay rubbish forever. So ignore them and you educate him
7. avoid expending energy on unproductive fights, channel it into ds instead
8. somehow you need to beat dyslexia, which involves 'work' as well as 'play'
9. Getting side-tracked onto the 'old' issues distracts you, and can upset people
10. To help your ds, you have to get over/ past your issues (see below) now

Now, your ds clearly has 'something' and that might well turn out to be an ASD. In soe ways, that's irrelevant though: diagnosis rarely brings any actual help. My guess would be that (like many posters here) you have an overwhelming sense of what 'should' happen, plus some emotional issues which are easily triggered by authoritarian 'bad-guys'. This is a really bad combination when dealing with people who dont like you, dont believe you, and have very fixed ideas of whats right for your dc. Powerful people, who you can't influence much.

The (to my impressions, very real but not necessarily malicious --except for evilHT--) conspiracy you've experienced won't have helped, but of course then you're at risk of a vicious cycle of worsening relationships. Which as BeeMom says could easily end up very badly. And since, by marginalising the role of school, her AS ds has done very, very well right into mid-high school, her well-meant, albeit 'harsh' post could be more use to you and ds than anything the fluffy bunnies like me could write wink

MareeyaDolores Fri 22-Feb-13 00:18:27

Honk Honk Honk

BeeMom Fri 22-Feb-13 02:03:51

If my post sounded harsh, and I know it did, it was out of frustration. I don't apologize for the content, but in retrospect I certainly could have delivered it more tactfully. In the past, I have been accused of being about as subtle as a hand grenade in a bowl of porridge. I am deeply sorry for having hurt you.

With that in mind, please know I DO care, but to see you going round and round makes me wonder if the paed's and EP's opinions about his lack of a "disability" vs. the opinions of other professionals about his very specific and very real challenges has got you so muddled in the mire of "opinion" that you are losing clarity. You are feeling the need to defend yourself (even more so with the FII nonsense) and your ire and defenses are beyond maximum level. You are battling DS at home and the authority figures at the school.

I was as blunt as I was because I have been seeing the gentle hand holding for months, and while supportive, it hasn't been terribly productive - and frankly, while what I had to say wasn't easy to hear, I think grouping me among the wicker clan is inappropriate - I am merely trying to help, but in a different way. Clearly it is not something you are ready for.

One other thing that was exceptionally difficult for us, and you may well be facing on your end, is the "starting point" for your DS. You say he is very bright, as is my DS. With this in mind, consider the "average student". If your DS is intellectually their superior, but is limited by his SEN/SN... it is almost a 100% certainty that he is not achieving even close to his potential. I know my DS wasn't - in Y4 he was tested in some areas having knowledge/abilities in excess of Y9, but was barely achieving grade level on his reports. The problem lies in looking at his peers - if you compare him to his peers, he is an average student. Sadly, average students do not get support, even if they are average when they should be superior, or struggling emotionally to keep it together just to barely make it through the day. You will never see money for a child who is "almost" achieving to receive additional support - and with the new funding scheme, it will be even tougher to get statement support. The only exception to this is when it is a safety (or, more likely, liability) issue - and at that point, they will likely be pushing for a "more supportive" educational environment.

It was this realisation that led me to more guided learning for him at home. He has never done HE - we found ways to fit learning into fun (which is why it was almost always science based). He has vision challenges, he has a severe fine motor delay, low muscle tone, auditory processing challenges and is an anxious young man in addition to his AS so like you, we are not dealing "only" with a bright kid on the spectrum.

One thing that took years to accomplish through the school was access to, and ultimately his own, computer. It reached the point that I was accused of writing his papers in Y6 (uhhh... not even maybe) because the quality of work that was coming in to school was so different that what he produced at school. The only difference (aside from the "unrelated to school" work we had been doing for ages by that point) was that he typed his work at home. Finally, after showing that removing the biggest stumbling block for him, the physical act of writing, the administration allowed him to use a computer at school. His next report found him on the honour roll. I used this article to help justify my reasoning for him typing. He is now a young man who can type nearly 120 words a minute - finally a means of written communication that will keep up with his thoughts. If you look around the CanChild website, you will find some excellent resources for DCD (developmental coordination disorder/dyspraxia) and other disabilities that may be of some assistance.

Even Bee has started using some software to help her write (well, type) and what she can produce is exceptional. She is a child who, because of 2 strokes and associated physical limitations is incapable of printing her name. With access to a computer with a touch screen, a keyboard and predictive text software however, she writes the most imaginative and complex stories.

I doubt it'll mean a thing to you - but Honk. I'll send you some decidedly un-MNSN (but very Canadian) hugs as well.

And again - with hat in hand, I apologize.

miemohrs Fri 22-Feb-13 07:44:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lougle Fri 22-Feb-13 08:10:23

miemhors, I'm sure that nobody here wants you to feel bad, this board is about support. Yet, if someone, anyone, posts about their situation in detail and asks for advice, it would be deeply unkind to simply reassure them that they are right, everyone else is wrong and they're bound to be fine.

lougle Fri 22-Feb-13 08:19:46

The bald facts are that the local profs won't accept DK report (very unusual for DK) so it doesn't matter if it is weakly diagnostic or classic -she won't back you up with it because she doesn't feel it's appropriate to influence the local team.

Go to your meeting. Try to find a middle ground.It's all you can do. There.

Thing is, I could have a stream of letters to describe DD1. She's statements in 7 broad areas. At the end of the day, what matters is that she can learn what she can, in the manner she can. The rest is just semantics.

miemohrs Fri 22-Feb-13 08:27:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KeepOnKeepingOn1 Fri 22-Feb-13 08:30:05


They are not telling you that they will not help your son, it is not personal, they are saying that your son does not meet the criteria for receiving help (remember this will be a comparison of his attainment with average peers not a comparison of his personal ability versus actual attainment) at this time. You are being told what many of us are told - he may have SEN/SN but he has average attainment and social communication problems are not proving to be a barrier to the curriculum.

You have to stop fighting. They will not make an exception to the criteria for him to take account of his ability and the impact of not reaching his potential on self-esteem.

If you can (you know what to do and have the skills to do it) and he can learn in this way (ie he is not demand avoidant) help him yourself.

I am sure you will try but this might not be enough. It wasn't in DS1's case and now he meets the criteria.

But you can't keep fighting until DS meets the criteria if this ever happens. I began my fight when DS1 did not meet the criteria. The reason was because of above average ability. My attempts to make this argument earned me an over-anxious mum label and report to SS. The focus shifted from DS1 to me because I was the one who was fighting.

Stop escalating the fight. Take the wind out of their sails at the meeting. Say you have had a long, hard think. DS needs stability and calm. Accept he does not meet the criteria. Its not fair but that is the way it is. You will do what you can to help. Stop attempting to intiate conversations with the school or policing them on a day to day basis.

Time will pass. Sad but true as DC get older difficulties become more recognisable and DC meet the criteria. You still need to fight to get adequate help but there is no longer disagreement between parents and profs as to whether the child needs help (ie meets the criteria). Only then is it truly about the child.

lougle Fri 22-Feb-13 08:46:43

Where is that 'like' button?

Ineedmorepatience Fri 22-Feb-13 09:03:15

Great post keepon

justaboutchilledout Fri 22-Feb-13 09:48:12

Some things we are just not going to agree on.

a) OP thinks there is a snowball's chance in hell that the private school will meet the needs of her son
b) no one else on the board thinks this

We have argued this point for months and months and months. I just don't think this particular point is worth rehashing. It is as if we are speaking different languages on this one.

On the eye-cream etc, I think this thread was well worth it. I like KeepOn's advice too.

miemohrs Fri 22-Feb-13 15:17:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MareeyaDolores Fri 22-Feb-13 16:04:36

Well, at least you know where you stand sad. No active help or sensible monitoring at all, and probably none from any local school, now or future. Which I think we'd all guessed, but you were still hoping for.

Take this weekend to be really kind to yourself. Take next week to grieve for the professional input that won't be forthcoming, and for having to drop him off every day to a school which isn't working.

And then take till Easter (or summer?) to see (and privately log) how well you, DH and godma can unofficially home-educate and therapy him, despite the 30h/ week he wastes sitting in class and the consequent anxieties.

MareeyaDolores Fri 22-Feb-13 16:12:22

And you're now freed from fighting the unfightable, so for goodness sake don't waste those newly available resources on guilt / regret / navel-gazing <stern finger wagging>.

It's much more productive and fun <teaches granny to suck eggs> to divert these energies into
1.maintaining your family's emotional health (yes, yours too: put your own oxygen mask on and all that)
2. Working on ds's SEN
3. Taking small but achievable steps towards your eventual move to County AnywhereElse

KeepOnKeepingOn1 Fri 22-Feb-13 16:17:52

Nobody wants to say 'I told you so' - to quote the original goose quote:

^Fact 2:

When a goose falls out of formation, it suddenly feels the drag and resistance of flying alone. It quickly moves back into formation to take advantage of the lifting power of the bird immediately in front of it.


If we have as much sense as a goose, we stay in formation with those headed where we want to go. We are willing to accept their help and give our help to others.^

You need to back off. I finally realised that, contrary to my intended motives, I was making the day to day experience for DS1 worse. All I was doing was trying to get his needs met, ensuring that the IEP was SMART etc but this involved being on the backs of the teachers all the time because they had not come to me. DS1 is ultra-compliant, practically selectively mute, does not ask for help etc but also above average intelligence and so passed under the radar. But the reality was that I was making things worse for him. I had to stop. Eventually I did have to calculate progress but I did this after a year and a half of never intiating conversation and waiting for them to come to me. Is it hard to watch your child suffer? Yes. Could I shorten his suffering by being a pita? No.

^Fact 3:

The geese flying in formation honk to encourage those up front to keep up their speed.


We need to make sure our honking is encouraging. In groups where there is encouragement, the production is much greater. The power of encouragement is the quality of honking we seek.^



MareeyaDolores Fri 22-Feb-13 16:21:46

Oh yeah, and print off all your threads ever and stick them in a file. In case you later need or want to demonstrate an obvious lack-of-typical-FII-ness to a new crop of professionals.

They may consider you an anxious, awkward, difficult-to-communicate-with sod instead wink but that's pretty universal in SN parents and totally compatible with being deemed 'good-enough' to work constructively with wink

lougle Fri 22-Feb-13 16:38:28

I'm sorry to hear that the meeting didn't turn out as you hoped. Did you understand their decisions, or did you feel they were dismissive?

If he is a year behind, but going to be educated in that year group for the whole of his schooling, then I can see their point about the reading - it wouldn't be sensible to accept that a child will be educated a year behind but then expect them to get to a point that is a year ahead, etc.

Spelling is an area that you could tackle at home in a multi-sensory way. Some people don't ever spell well - the important thing will be (in time) finding out if your DS is one of those that never will spell well, or if there is intervention which could enable good spelling. I'm a spelling pedant, myself, but actually in this day and age, spellcheckers are very useful and can overcome many issues.

The coloured overlays, writing slope, reading window bar recommended by the VI teacher - are these things you could potentially use at home, if they are helpful? A low-tech solution to the window bar is to use your finger on the line as you read.

The fidget toys / sitnmove cushion recommended by OT are not being used. Did they give a reason?

The weighted blanket recommended by OT has not been given to us. DD1 had a recommendation for a weighted blanket. We were never given one at the time. OT budgets usually don't stretch to them (although once she was at special school she did get one ordered, but I'm not terribly sure it was 'meant' to be). You can make one yourself following the instructions from my thread here Total cost £20, will take a few hours.

It sounds like they're saying that the social support he needs can be integrated into the usual school day, which will be a good thing if true - you want him to feel confident in class, in time.

Re. The private school - don't waste your energy on that one. It was never going to fly. Never. I don't care what they said once the letter hit their door - actions speak louder than words, and they had the chance to accept him and refused.

I'm sure you're tired of it all now. It's not easy. I think beemom and keepon have given you excellent advice. See what you can achieve at home - keep a log. It will be a massive boost to his self-esteem and yours!

miemohrs Fri 22-Feb-13 17:14:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lougle Fri 22-Feb-13 17:32:30

What exactly is to stop you choosing to HE in Scotland? The HE Guidance here says:

"3.2 Who needs consent?

Under Section 35 of the Education (Scotland) Act 1980, parents of a child who has been attending a public school 4 must seek the local authority's consent before withdrawing their child from that school, and the authority must not unreasonably withhold consent. It should be noted that while consent is needed for withdrawal from school, consent is not needed to home educate in itself.

*Consent is not needed in the following situations*:

The child has never attended a public school.
The child has never attended a public school in that authority's area.
The child is being withdrawn from an independent school.
The child has finished primary education in one school but has not started secondary education in another.
The school the child has been attending has closed.

Although there is no statutory duty upon parents to inform the local authority that they are home educating if they do not require consent, many authorities would prefer home educators in their area, or moving into their area, to contact them."

So surely, you could simply move to another area, then HE until you have a further plan?

The current area can't insist you don't move area, and you don't need consent to withdraw from school in the new area.

miemohrs Fri 22-Feb-13 17:35:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

miemohrs Fri 22-Feb-13 17:38:57

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lougle Fri 22-Feb-13 17:39:05

Well the delivery isn't good, but the advice is sound - sand trays and shaving foam are excellent ways of developing fine motor skill.

lougle Fri 22-Feb-13 17:40:35

"I got the impression that the Pead would take steps to legally remove parental authority if we attempted H/E elsewhere or schoolmove elsewhere?"

Really? Ok...well then you need to look into that carefully. He/She must have substantial concerns if she's threatening that sad

It sounds like you've really got a broken down relationship there.

miemohrs Fri 22-Feb-13 17:46:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BeeMom Fri 22-Feb-13 17:50:05

Imagine yourself in a hedge maze. You know where you want to go, but you can't tell where you are now. You venture down the path you are certain is the right one, and discover you were wrong, then you turn to retrace your steps, and find that the path back to start is now blocked. You don't have an image of the entire maze, so you try to navigate by instinct, gut feeling and best guess. Some evil HT. Paed. EP person keeps changing the layout of the maze. All you know is that you have been told at the end is the thing you desire.

The maze is your involvement in this entire affair - the walls are being moved constantly - by H, by medical professionals, by school, by LA, and by your own emotional state.

For the rest of us watching, we were looking on from above. We could see where you were in the maze, could see that there were dead ends ahead, that the path to the private school had been wiped out entirely. We tried to tell you, but the image we were seeing didn't match with the route you had so carefully planned out in your mind - when you prepared for the journey - before someone started to rearrange the maze on you. This is not an "I told you so", but instead it is simply the fact that we had the (perhaps unfair) benefit of being able to see over the hedges.

I am so sorry that it has come to this, but now it is time to take care of yourself. Clearly, the school is not going to offer support, so the onus is on you. Play and learn at home. Learn about DS's strengths - so long has been spent focused on his weaknesses (out of necessity) that you might be surprised when you wipe the mental slate clean about what a truly exceptional young man you have there. If the school is not going to deal with the bullying, then you need to work to bully-proof DS. It will not be a quick affair, but help build him up - help him learn he is worthy, intelligent, capable, good. Help him find something that he excels at - in doing that, he will find himself, you may find each other again. If you can help him build that foundation, the tower that is his sense of self will be strong and not easily shaken. The pebbles and sticks that the bullies are throwing will not be able to knock it down.

Guess what? You are worthy too. You are strong, dedicated, intelligent, persistent. Do not let this perceived win by the "authority figures" undermine your sense of self. If H does not have any desire to reconcile, do not let him undermine your work on yourself and with your family - with or without H.

Please, for me - watch these two videos. Share the second one with DS. Give yourself a few minutes, grab a cup of tea and a box of tissues. They are written and performed by a Canadian poet who was the victim of relentless bullying as a child. They are exceptionally powerful.

To This Day

Instructions for a Bad Day

Honks. Gentle, caring, persistent honks.

miemohrs Fri 22-Feb-13 18:10:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BeeMom Fri 22-Feb-13 18:15:21

Hugs and honks to you, and a hearty "sod off" to H.

In a nutshell miem I think everyone here is simply advising you to take a break to regroup. Stop fighting and have a rest. It isn't that your ds isn't worth the fight or that you aren't capable, it is simply that the fight you were trying to fight will damage you both.

With time away from the adrenaline caused from outside you can focus on the adrenaline and issues INSIDE, within the family. To fight the big fight you absolutely need to have a secure base AND a safe haven to retreat to when you have to make the tough decisions NOT to persue unfairness.

This has to be sorted before anything else because it WILL hold you back, both reource-wise as well as give the outside people the perfect excuse/justification for their non-help.

Once you have got a calm and secure homelife, you can venture out again. I think the suggestion of your taking over some of your ds' education is a good one for both confidence building and for you to refocus directly on your relationship with him, which can't be as great as you'd like whilst there is so much of your time taken up with outside things and anxeity cause by it.

No-one here wants to add to your stress. But I am willing to bet that taking some of the advice will, once you have worked it out and rested, reduce your stress and help you to see more clearly where you are going. I believe that the advice here is given with that intention.

Firstly, and I know that in the past I have been criticised on this board for suggesting that you might be over emphasising his difficulties, and that the practitioners were comparing him to other children with sen. I don't want to rehash that one, but I am aware that I have not phrased things in a way that you have found supportive.
However, I really do feel for you; it is dreadful to feel that everyone is unable to see the difficulties that you do. I have been there, for a shortish period in time, and I would not wish to be in that situation again.
The difference is though, that it was not everyone - we moved through it with outside recognition and ended up with a diagnosis.
I do think that you need to almost put this away in a box (the fight for the school support) keep your head down, and then plan to revisit it in six months time. I would make a list now, with loads of headings: actual dx; areas of difficulty; areas of strength; possible dx etc etc. Then I would try my best at home to support his learning. I would focus on rebuilding a relationship with the school. Then you can maybe ask for a review in september?
I don't know how easy it is to believe this conspiracy theory - i think your frustration at not having his needs recognised is leading you to believe that for some reason they are all denying your ds help. Why? Why would a pead/ a VI consultant etc etc go int a profession and then decided to deny a child a dx or support?
Nothing is irreparable. You still have PR for your ds. You can make changes and you can decide to enjoy him when he is with you. Forget fighting the school - the best course of action now will be to take the pressure off, get to the park/ play centre/ wherever and realise that it is not in your power to change school now.
Please don't react as if I'm having a go - we are all fragile on here at times, and offering advice lays yourself open to upset too.

miemohrs Fri 22-Feb-13 18:40:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

miemohrs Fri 22-Feb-13 18:42:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I'm not saying he doesn't have issues. I'm just thinking that why would they not be recognised and addressed by any of the practitioners? What is in it for them to deny a child support? Surely people are robust enough to identify an issue where someone else has not seen it, particularly in different disciplines? rather than thinking 'well person a didn't see it so it doesn't exist? '
I don't think I am able to articulate myself very well, because I know that I am going to end up criticising you inadvertently and I don't know how to phrase it without upsetting you.
I am genuinely sympathetic and i feel for you - dh not being supportive, lack of wider support, and now a fear of taking action due to concerns about CP. I really really hope that you and your family can move forward and reach a better position soon.

miemohrs Fri 22-Feb-13 19:02:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Yes, I agree. I do get that lots of little things are just as tricky as one big thing sometimes. You just need someone else to add them all up too! Is there a way (as he seems not to meet a threshold for any support in any one of those areas) of addressing one of them yourself and seeing if it helps? Kind of a pikastiks approach?
Cream application - could you wait til he's asleep? It's the only way I've ever treated verucas/ impetigo/ eczema in my two?

lougle Fri 22-Feb-13 19:35:01

I think part of the issue, miemohrs, and please take this in the best way possible, is that you've got a pattern which has become apparent to the profs:

DK has said not sure where anxiety from, but it's likely to an interplay between personality and parents anxiety - that's not quite the same emphasis as 'not all down to parents' - it's kind of irrelevant how much is down to what, it's the presence of it when it shouldn't be that's important.

Opthalmology gave CVI based in part on your reports to him. Subsequent scan and VI teacher observation didn't back it up.

All school observations by profs suggest that DS is interactive with other children and has no social difficulties.

OT's objective tests give excellent results, but parent report leads to sensory sensitivities being suggested and therefore aids such as wobble cushion, etc.

DKs suggestion re. sleep is as a result of parental report.

Taking a step back, if you perhaps believe the parent is of the mind to FII, then you could discount all of that, and you're left with 'lots of anxiety as a result, in part, of parental anxiety, and wouldn't meet dx criteria formally. School and visiting profs all think he's fine.'

miemohrs Fri 22-Feb-13 19:41:17

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I think the significant point here is that truth or not truth, you just have no way of proving your side of things, particularly as I bet that 'some' of your side is a result of a complex interplay of home/school/personality/disability.

That doesn't mean there isn't a real need here for your ds or that you are making things up. No-one is saying that. But you are powerless. There is no 'truth' or justice. There is just what there is, and it will cause you to implode if you don't withdraw, even if you consider withdrawing to be just a temporary arrangement.

lougle Fri 22-Feb-13 20:00:24

It's not about who you can convince. It's about your DS and his needs. Let me see if I can show you what I mean through DD2:

I think DD2 has some issues. Now, they aren't easy to spot - for instance today, at the meet-up, she was content to do her own thing, largely, and towards the end joined in with running/tumbling. She didn't speak very much at all.

I had spoken to the teacher at school 1. She told me DD2 was fine. But, I knew that DD2 was not fine. Several conversations like this occurred. DD2 was so not fine that she was actually telling me - DD2 doesn't tell me much at all. You know what happened next....result: moving school.

This is where I see our stories converging a bit:

I have a paediatrician who has said 'hmm..there's something...not sure what...can't put my finger on it. Processing's quite slow and she's very passive. Could be this, could be that. Could be that she's sub-diagnostic for a few things and that results in an 'out of sync child', but that she won't ever get a specific diagnosis.....look up dyspraxia while you're reading..see what you think.'

Now, I could go to school 2 and say 'yes, she's got features of ASD, features of dyspraxia and we're referred to SALT, OT, Audiology', because technically, he has said all of that. Would he say, if asked directly, that she has 'ASD traits'? Quite possibly not - he was chatting with us and musing, and he's really not sure what's going on.

So, I have two choices:

1) Go to school 2 and say 'by the way...she's seen a paediatrician, letter's delayed due to staffing. We're not quite sure what the issues are yet, but you might notice that she agrees with any question you ask, so you might need to ask her open questions. She also has a habit of blanking children who talk to her, so she might need a bit of prompting.'

2) Go to school 2 and say 'this is a list of all the things we've noticed that DD2 struggles with and we'd like to know what you're going to do about them. We think she has features of the following conditions...'

I thought about it and had advice from a friend whose child goes to School 2 to make an appointment with the SENCO and be really upfront. However, I chose route 1. Why?

Well, because I have come to the conclusion that I'm either going to be right about DD2 and her issues will become obvious, even if subtle, or her issues will resolve (I don't think they will). The issues I've noticed academically will become more important as she progresses through school.

Socially, I'm hoping that she's nurtured by some lovely children and encouraged. If not, it will be clear that it is her that is the issue, not the school, because this is her 2nd school.

Her teacher has already picked up 3 things:

1) She sucks her hand during class - she was worried it was a new behaviour so checked with me.
2) She says she has tummy ache a lot - she's interpreting it as likely anxiety and a sign that DD2 needs a break from what she's doing.
3) She's obsessed with repeating patterns - she thought DD2 was really bright when she said that colouring-writing-colouring-writing was a repeating pattern until DH and I burst out laughing and said she'd discovered her obsession.

What I'm trying to say is that there is more than one way to skin a cat.

miemohrs Fri 22-Feb-13 20:40:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MareeyaDolores Fri 22-Feb-13 21:12:55

Would it make a difference to have some support so you could try a minor renegotiation of the terms of the truce?

lougle Fri 22-Feb-13 21:22:55

miemohrs, that is simply not what we are saying and I think you know that. I'm stepping away now.

miemohrs Fri 22-Feb-13 21:46:20

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MareeyaDolores Fri 22-Feb-13 21:55:14

Random musings
If you could get some control over the running off, and the lying down, and the crying, life would be much easier. The option more-school-support-less-stressed-dc option is gone.
Which leaves CBT anxiety reduction, mindfulness and parenting course/ABA style behaviour management strategies.

The park TV wink
Or study? what you have been forced to over-learn in RL, and turn it into a useful certificate. grin

MareeyaDolores Fri 22-Feb-13 22:04:25

That's why I posted a non-standard link. "Normal" style couple counselling rarely works for the more neurodiverse families hmm

miemohrs Fri 22-Feb-13 22:16:19

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miemohrs Fri 22-Feb-13 22:35:46

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miemohrs Fri 22-Feb-13 22:53:41

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Bigpants1 Sat 23-Feb-13 01:19:05

Sorry things are tough at present. I have many thoughts on your situation, but a few practical things come to mind, that I hope will help ease things a bit.
Firstly, you recognise that ds has to go to school, but this causes him anxiety. But, he does Not have to go to any Clubs outside of school for now. He is socialising at school, maybe not well sometimes, but perhaps this is enough for him for the time being, all he can manage. Perhaps the Clubs on top of this are too overwhelming, & that is why he reacts as he does. He cannot verbalise his feelings, but he is letting you know by his crying & reluctance. Perhaps you need to acknowledge this, & let him be at home after school.
If home is where he feels most comfortable & secure, with all that is familiar, let him be there. Hopefully, as time progresses, and his anxiety lessens, he will be able to go to an activity. But, do it in baby-steps, at his pace, & let him choose the activity when he is ready.( If this means stopping Swimming lessons if he still has them, so be it).
Secondly,I know this may be galling, but I think you should enroll on a recognised Parenting Course. NOT, because I think you are not parenting adequately, ( I don't know you enough to make such a statement), but I think in the long run it could help redress the imbalance of Power between yourself & Profs, even between you and your 'H' somewhat. If you do such a Course, when you have meetings, the Profs. will not be able to view you as an inadequate parent & be so disparaging towards you. You will be speaking from a position of knowledge which gives empowerment. You will feel more confident that you are doing right by your ds, so if your H tries to undermine you, it should be water off a duck's back.
Lastly, regardless of what the Pead or any Prof. says, bullying in any shape , should not be tolerated. The Bullying has been documented by the school, so they cannot say it is not happening. I don't think you should communicate with the HT just now, (too soon after meeting!), but you could e-mail the Head of Education in your LA & ask for a copy of the Authorities Anti-Bullying Policy.
(Do Not go into Any details/information re your ds ), just simply request a copy.
Once read, you are then in a strong position to make an appointment with the HT & take the Document, & point out relevant parts & ask that is applied to ds.
If you do these things, you are taking back some control for yourself, giving some peace of mind that you are doing something practical to help ds, but, Importantly, in the Process, you are Not coming into Any Conflict with anyone, thereby giving noone any cause to further CP or FII proceedings.
HTH. x

pollypandemonium Sat 23-Feb-13 02:08:26

I was just thinking this morning about how the services can make us second guess ourselves. We worry about what our children say, how they look or seem for fear of it being misinterpreted by the services. And then I read this thread. sad

What a nightmare you are going through. Glad you are getting medical needs sorted, a decent nights sleep will definitely help.

lougle Sat 23-Feb-13 07:44:45

miemohrs, I'm not upset by your post. I do think it infers that posters who have tried to help you see the wider picture have suggested that you 'ignore your DS's problems', rather than the more accurate case that you should view your DS's problems in the perspective that others have.

Your account of the reports are not objective. You are putting emphasis where there is none and concluding that they support your position, which they don't entirely, hence the fact that you've got several professionals telling you that your perception of your DS's needs is inflated.

For example, earlier in this thread you say "Just shows what DK said about him being sleep deprived was backing up what we've been saying {all his life...} and we should have had help with this aaaaages ago." Well, yes, but that statement from DK is in relation to a report from another agency who formed their opinion based on your report of the situation - you can't say that a report reporting what you told them backs you up confused - it merely reports your view of the situation.

I'm not suggesting that your DS does not have eczema. I'm not suggesting that he does not have cold sores. I'm not suggesting that you ignore these. I'm not suggesting that anxiety doesn't cause those, or at least exacerbate them. However, you seem to lay the blame for the anxiety at school's door. Your DS spends 30 hours per week at school and 138 hours per week at home.

Anyway, I hope that your DS gets some support, somehow, in the areas he needs. It sounds like he could do with some support to deal with the home situation, that can't be easy.

justaboutchilledout Sat 23-Feb-13 18:32:34


I wonder if it is time for an entirely new approach from you.
Your marriage is on the rocks and this can't be helping DS.

Can you possibly take a step back, appreciate how local agencies can see a complex picture (indeed, EVERY professional who has assessed you has seen a complex picture in which anxiety is added to by home) and just try to do what everyone is suggesting, make up at home for the school deficits for now?

I really can't get too excited about the revelation that the school is being crap. You knew they were crap, that is why you removed your son originally. You sent him back because it was less crap than the second school. But you cannot reasonably have expected them to be less crap.

You have ruled out moving. You can't change schools.

I think your case is unusual in one very specific way. There have been a lot of mothers on here with obstructive schools in denial. But all of them, eventually, have had one or more professionals turn around and agree wholeheartedly that their child is definitely disabled, and that it is NOT mother's issues that is causing the problem. You have not had that. You've had an equivocal report which does not discount the fact that family environment is contributing (although it says that is not the whole story, which is great). Therefore it is actually reasonable for the local professionals to think you are part of the problem, there is NO ONE suggesting otherwise.
You have to accept that and work within the situation. Which I think means stopping fighting and focusing on trying to help your son yourself (and I don't mean by dragging him to extra-curricular activities).

You tried home-ed and didn't like it, I recall. You could always revisit that again.

PolterGoose Sun 24-Feb-13 00:04:38

I'm reading between the lines here and do not know your full story but I cannot help but wonder about your relationship and that it sounds abusive. Maybe not violent, but the power your husband has and what you say certainly rings alarm bells for me. Will you have a look at this Power and Control Wheel please? And also have a look at Scottish Women's Aid and read this download on coercive control

I've read your threads in the past and just felt I had nothing to contribute, but you've had some sound advice from people like BeeMom, lougle and Mareeya about the situation with ds, I just can't help thinking that there is more to your life than we know and it all contributes to the anxiety, and whatever needs your ds has, diagnosed or not, anxiety will always make things worse, for all of us. Women's Aid can help with the legal issues too wink

and HONK

miemohrs Wed 27-Mar-13 12:33:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

what you do is apply as a casual admission. The school records will follow (should be within 15 days under English system). Schools deal with families who have/ have had social services involvement all the time. you want stand out unless you put yourself out there. So don't.
Say nothing at the walk round to see if you like it. At the meeting when he goes to one keep it simple. 'We've had worries/concerns for a while; he's had different assessments, but nothing has been very clear. Perhaps we could schedule a review in three months to see how he is getting on.'
Then just resist all temptation til then.

miemohrs Thu 28-Mar-13 22:40:04

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miemohrs Thu 28-Mar-13 22:45:43

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lougle Fri 29-Mar-13 07:43:58

How about just phoning a school and saying 'do you have a place in x year, please?'

If they have a space, they have to take him.

Maybe, but I wonder what you are saying to make a school leap to thinking you want a special school? That's weird.
Locally, and I think, in england, the local authority co-ordinates in year (casual) admissions for maintained schools while academies and free schools do their own.
You just ring and ask to have a look round. I can't remember what the DK report said, but I would be really kind of 'we've had concerns, and a couple of school changes, we've never really got agreement on where his difficulties are, but I'm sure you'll get the paperwork if he comes here. What sort of facilities do you have for those with asd traits, or more vulnerable socially?'

miemohrs Fri 29-Mar-13 08:51:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

miemohrs Fri 29-Mar-13 08:55:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Okay, do your research via the good schools guide and ofsted. All schools have to meet sen requirements, so theoretically he will be looked after wherever he goes. You can only get a feel for a school by looking round, ask a few general sen questions but keep to we have concerns, never reached a general consensus, how would you let me know if you felt he was having difficulties.

miemohrs Fri 29-Mar-13 10:56:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Well, the more you tell someone the less you can take back iyswim.
Not sure if this will help, but I spent three years trying to work out what was wrong with my hand. Investigations etc nothing, suggested stress by gps. finally I recd a diagnosis, physio cured it, and all is well. I can tell people what a horrid time it was. during that time tho, people tended to think the professionals must be right, and it was psychosomatic?
In the end, its all a leap of faith. There aren't that many terrible schools that aren't obviously so by one means or another- most are good or okay.

zzzzz Fri 29-Mar-13 13:02:16

I dip in and out of your threads because I can't always think of anything constructive to add.

I think beemoms posts have been very straight and sensible, as have many of the others giving similar input.

My gut feeling is you need to stop thrashing around and get on with it. lougle is quite right to point out the circular nature of you supporting evidence. Using reports based on your own parental input to support your position and increase your conviction is illogical.

There is no earthly point in dragging your son to scouts. There is every reason to get him to school. What are you doing to support his education at home?

I think you probably need some outside help with your relationship. Certainly it would help your ds if you were happier about the set up.

bochead Fri 29-Mar-13 15:13:43

Analysis paralysis (as defined by the boc wink)

Inability to see the wood for the trees due to fretting in circles over every little detail.
Excessive fear of doing the wrong thing leading to total inertia in practical terms
Inability to develop the rhino hide required by all parents of SN kids at some point.
Desperately wanting to have positive relationships with even the most spiteful, unreasonable individuals and selfblame when this just isn't possible.
Constantly trying to fix stupid.
paralysing guilt over an inability to make the world perfect for your chid within the existing constraints.


1. Tell the world to go hang itself, ignoring the housework and taking your children to the park for at least 30 mins every day. (Or baking cupcakes, or painting, or watching trash TV or whatever activity it is that you and your child espcially enjoy doing TOGETHER).

2. Recognising that sometimes (more often than you think actually) even the wrong decisison is a valid step on the path to where you actually want to end up. Doing nothing guarantees that nothing will change.

3. Accept the world isn't fair and fretting won't make it so.

4. Accept that ome stuff you can't change, you can always change yourself.

5. Accept some wars are unwinnable.

The above all sounds rather trite & I'm living proof that actually implementing it is easier said than done. I do get that, but for the sake of your kids you need to, and fast.

In your shoes I'd honestly forget about school for the time being- they have said quite clearly they have no intention of helping your child. It's a battle you KNOW you can't win.

Refocus your energies closer to home for a few months. Start by building up your own self-esteem and mental strength. If that takes utilising private or charitable sources to get personal or family therapy, then do so. Then on what you can do to help your child within the home.

I got told off for attending a private self-funded parenting course on ASD & challenging behavior by a CP SW during the grim pre-diagnosis years. Considering the official reason I was given for their involvement was my child's behavior I was left gobsmacked and feeling as I suspect you do, that nothing I tried was ever going to satisfy the authorities. I didn't need their permission to source, or attend the course, nor to implement what I'd learnt, so I smiled sweetly at them and just got on with it.

Those hours your child is not at school belong to you alone, I excercised my god-given right to raise my child to the best of my ability in the time allocated to me. I'll never apologise or be made to feel bad by anyone for doing that.

The pead, evil though she is, has no legal power to place you under house arrest (like happens to political dissidents in Burma). Therefore you CAN move if you want to. There is nothing stopping you taking your kids and going to live in a caravan at the other end of the country like a 1980's grunge traveller, except your on fears. (Hell you could even grow pink dreadlocks to match if you wanted to!).

Your marriage - at some point you have to take responsibility for your own part in this. If the relationship is potentially damaging to your children's emotional well being you can end it. Noone is holding a shotgun to your head to make you stay in it.

This week I've ordered the fabric to make my own damn weighted blanket, and the wood is cut for the stairgate. A terms worth of nonsense from the authorities is enough for me, and I wouldn't have procrastinated that long if I hadn't been ill.

miemohrs Fri 29-Mar-13 18:05:03

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

It is. I also (sorry) just don't believe your ds is being targetted and deliberately excluded or left out because the school don't like you. Sorry, but I suspect there were others left out or other factors you aren't aware of. That's the stuff that makes you sound unbelievable and whatever else you do, please don't hint at that stuff to the new school.
I am absolutely convinced that the school are not seeing what you see, that you are right that they could do more. That is different to a belief that they are bullying a small boy and I think you are mixing the two.
If this was RL I would have found a nicer way to say this. Sorry.

zzzzz Fri 29-Mar-13 19:08:38

But they could only know about the sleep issues from you, unless they have spent time overnight with you, which they haven't.

As for new schools, all you need to do I phone and see if they have room and apply.

If you want to move, move.

If you want to seperate from your husband, do.

You don't need anyone's permission to do anything.

I think you might want to focus on literacy at home, if that is the real issue. There are lots of apps and reading schemes. Lots of activities to support handwriting. Just google.

lougle Fri 29-Mar-13 19:30:13

"Seems the general advice is to keep fairly schtum and see what happens?"

If I were you, I'd be looking for a school who wants you to tell them about your DS. Not about what's terrible and hard and dreadful, but about what makes him tick, what he enjoys, what he adores. Because if they want to know about the child themselves, they will want to meet their needs.

bochead Fri 29-Mar-13 20:37:39

If you want to form a mutual support society to beat the "analysis paralysis" I'm happy to tag along wink.

A hefty swig of "fook it, I'm gonna do it anyway" is the best place to start, (in my case usually with a trip to the park with child and dog).

My gut suspicion is that every time you approach this desirable mental state your DH says something dumb that sticks the knife in, undermining your belief in yourself. I cannot imagine having to through what I did a couple of years back with an unsupportive partner as the monkey on the back of my own doubts.

For most things nowadays there are online courses run by someone, somewhere. I've come across CBT style stuff online for sure which has helped me with "analysis paralysis" at times.

From where I'm standing the weighted blanket is a major win on your part, take it as a sign that not all in authority hate your guts. Giggle at my short-sighted inept squinting over the sewing machine to make my own, as that's one battle I've had to admit defeat on recently. Noone wins them all.

miemohrs Fri 29-Mar-13 20:59:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MareeyaDolores Sat 30-Mar-13 00:55:48

hi miemohrs, glad you took a good break and glad you're back. Having a 'weekend-only' DH sounds like a good medium term plan.

A school can only completely ruin only 32.5 hours of 38 weeks per year at most. And even a really rubbish school usually has the odd bit of worthwhile stuff buried in the sea of dross. Parents can reduce the 'hangover' effect of dodgy schooling on weekday home life, and thankfully most weekend / holiday time is ours to play with grin.

topsyandturvy Mon 01-Apr-13 11:26:18

hows it going op? I guess you probably have another week off school, what are your plans?

miemohrs Wed 10-Apr-13 10:32:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

miemohrs Thu 11-Apr-13 22:17:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Well done your DS and DD. Hope things are getting better for you.

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