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Help me to grow a thicker skin please

(27 Posts)
ProcrastinatingPanda Thu 22-Nov-12 15:41:04

Someone who I considered a friend had posted on Facebook and used the word "Spazztard" (obviously a mixture of spastic and retard). I replied with "Spazztard? Nice." To which I got the reply "You can put it on your t-shirt if you like."

To clarify, my profile picture is this;

alisonrowan.bigcartel.com/product/women-s-t-shirt-preorder-buy-a-dictionary-that-s-so-retarded

I am normally careful with who I chose to be friends with but was truly shocked at the attitude, please help me to basiclly grow a thicker skin and not let this stuff bother me so much.

Shallishanti Thu 22-Nov-12 15:48:05

I wouldn't say you needed a thicker skin, just a better idiot-filter

Bluebirdonmyshoulder Thu 22-Nov-12 15:56:08

Delete your 'friend' from Fakebook? And real life whilst you're at it.

ProcrastinatingPanda Thu 22-Nov-12 16:05:59

Already done bluebird, that was the first thing I done but now I'm really angry about it too and can't stop thinking about it.

Bluebirdonmyshoulder Thu 22-Nov-12 16:09:05

Well you did the right thing and I'm not surprised you're angry.

The bad news is there's lots of unpleasant people in the world; the good news is they all reveal their true nature one way or the other, thus enabling the rest of us to choose to avoid them!

When someone tells you what they're like, believe them!

ProcrastinatingPanda Thu 22-Nov-12 16:19:55

Just had to delete anothe friend, someone I had been friends with for years too, they seen what I said so then replied with "I AM SPAZZTICUS!!!"

ProcrastinatingPanda Thu 22-Nov-12 16:21:50

They know my son has autism, they know my son fgs, and also know my partners (who was also friends with them until now obviously) daughter is severely disabled too. I'm shaking with rage.

Shallishanti Thu 22-Nov-12 16:22:06

mightn't that be solidarity though?
like Ian Drury?

ProcrastinatingPanda Thu 22-Nov-12 16:23:17

No I know what he's like and the way he said it would have been to cause offence sad

WilsonFrickett Thu 22-Nov-12 16:26:25

Arses. You don't need thicker skin. They need less thick brains.

Shallishanti Thu 22-Nov-12 16:26:36

OK, wanker then

no loss

zzzzz Thu 22-Nov-12 16:28:48

You presumably bought the tshirt because you wanted to highlight this issue?

Surely you thought it would get some reaction?

The "friend" presumably thought you were looking for confrontation and gave it to you.

You have defriended. There is no way of forcing anyone to behave in the way you prefer. I think you need to decide if you want to court confrontation on this issue.

ProcrastinatingPanda Thu 22-Nov-12 16:30:46

They are a couple and the one who made the initial comment is trans, if someone was using that as an insult then they'd have a lot to say about it but if it doesn't affect them then it's fair game? I'm just ranting now, but I'm really angry that people can be so bloody cruel. How do you brush off comments like that and move on?

ProcrastinatingPanda Thu 22-Nov-12 16:34:04

zzzz I wasn't looking for a fight, I genuinely thought she'd say something along the lines of "ofcourse, I wasn't thinking." These are people that until now I regarded as good friends.

Bluebirdonmyshoulder Thu 22-Nov-12 16:36:17

Post this -

"In case anyone is wondering I deleted A and B because they used terminology which is offensive to people with special needs despite knowing that my DS and step DD have special needs. A is in fact transgender and if anyone abused him / her on Facebook I would have supported him / her to the hilt. Am disappointed to find out that they're not the person I thought they were. I would have thought that someone who's faced down the dreadful prejudice that transgender people have to face would be kinder towards others facing similar challenges."

And then don't give them a second thought.

ProcrastinatingPanda Thu 22-Nov-12 16:56:07

That's a really good post bluebird, thanks. DP had read the post too and deleted them both then posted up something similar to what you just said, he ended the rant with;

There's a lot to be said for someone that needs to be fed by someone else because they have no motor function, can't speak, walk or even wash themselves... And none of it should be bad.

And already he's had an arsey comment on it. I want to just delete my fb and not bother even reading comments like that in the first place but I use a lot of support groups on fb too - I think I'll just delete everyone else from it instead or hide the 'recent posts' section.

zzzzz Thu 22-Nov-12 17:24:23

I can't imagine what you think the individuals gender choice has to do with any of this! hmm

If you wear a tshirt with a "message" you can expect it to court comment. That's why people wear that kind of shirt to promote an opinion. If you don't want to be thrust into debate about it don't wear the shirt.

Personally I think posting anything like what's posted above and then deleting them so they have no opportunity to respond is a little cowardly. I also would never post anything like A is transgender. shock

ProcrastinatingPanda Thu 22-Nov-12 17:36:35

I didn't post that zzzz, where does it say that I posted that? I read their response and then deleted them as I don't want to be friends with people like that, the point of my thread was how can I grow a thicker skin and just forget about comments like this rather than getting so angry about it.

My point about the transgender issue was that this couple would take great offence (quite rightly so) about anyone making derogatory comments about being transgender or using it as an insult, but they won't comprehend the fact that other groups may take offence from similar comments being made as it doesn't directly affect them.

EllenJaneisstillnotmyname Thu 22-Nov-12 17:47:34

I took issue with a comment on my DS's primary school PTA Facebook page today. They were talking about road safety week and some said, 'I thought about getting hi-vis jackets but didn't want to look like the 'special' family, lol.'

I think being on MN has made me a lot bolshier because I couldn't let it go. I posted 'I know you meant it light heartedly, but please be aware that your remark isn't very appropriate when you don't know everyone's circumstances.'
She has now deleted her comment, so mine looks a bit daft. I'm going to have to get on the PC and see how I delete my own comment!

I think you should challenge casual disablism if you come across it.

zzzzz Thu 22-Nov-12 18:32:13

I didn't say you had panda though I do think you said your dp had???? I was commenting on my feelings on a particular course of action.

Most people take great offence about comments on how they choose to express their gender.

You asked about growing a thicker skin, but my point was that your actions do attract this type of interaction. I'm not saying I don't agree that some language is offensive. The question is if you feel too thin skinned to cope with confrontation why are you courting it?

ProcrastinatingPanda Thu 22-Nov-12 18:47:40

No he didn't mention anything about the couple. It's not the confrontation I'm complaining about, it's finding our that people I had regarded as close friends had these kind of views.

zzzzz Thu 22-Nov-12 18:55:14

Oh panda. I know it really smarts sad. I think it only doesn't if you've joined the dark side.

Bluebirdonmyshoulder Thu 22-Nov-12 19:12:52

I also think you should always challenge casual disablism, racism, homophobia etc. I've always thought this, it has nothing to do with bluechick.

I think it's perfectly reasonable to assume - hope even - that people who have very likely experienced one type of bigotry or prejudice, e.g. the prejudice that transgender people experience, will be against ALL forms of bigotry because they know how bloody awful it can feel. And if they're not against all bigotry then they're not anti-bigotry, they're merely against the one that affects them which is rather selfish.

Archbishop Desmond Tutu is for example very pro-gay marriage because he says it would be unconscionable for him to be homophobic as he's experienced the racism of apartheid South Africa.

Therefore I think the transgender status of Panda's friend is directly relevant here - it's not surprising she expected better and would no doubt stick up for her friend if someone on Facebook decided to post comments which were offensive to transgender people. And yet her friend did not display the same values and sensitivity with regard to Panda's situation.

zzzzz Thu 22-Nov-12 20:04:23

I haven't found that to be true*blue*. In my experience minorities are just as likely to be bigoted as anyone else.

I'd like it to be true that being disabled/ethnically different from the majority etc makes you more accepting.

I think selecting that particular characteristic (transgender) actually shows an underlying prejudice.

2old2beamum Thu 22-Nov-12 21:12:12

When you find out please let an old fart know . You are not alone "people" amaze me with their crass remarks!!!!

ProcrastinatingPanda Thu 22-Nov-12 21:45:49

Sorry zzzz I should have been more clear, my (now ex)friend has suffered a lot of prejudice and really horrid attitudes due to being transgender, which is why I thought she'd be more sensitive to bigotry. Both her and her partner have also expressed to me in the past how much they take offence to others saying "that's so gay.", or other versions of using gay in a derogatory fashion. That's why I mentioned it as they are aware of how powerful and hurtful words can be, iyswim?

zzzzz Thu 22-Nov-12 22:47:51

There are bigoted gay people, bigoted disabled people, and bigoted individuals of every race, creed and colour. I understand you feel your friends life experiences should ensure they are not disableist. I think they are unrelated issues.

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