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I have wrote my resignation letter because I feel too tired to work anymore

(41 Posts)
OwlLady Wed 10-Oct-12 14:36:45

and I feel the stress of working and caring is pulling me in all directions and i feel tired, anxious and emotionally and physically ill all the time and I am getting little joy out of anything

Has anyone else done this in order to have a rest? will i never work again?

(I think saintlyjj will come and tell me off now)

bigbluebus Wed 10-Oct-12 14:49:16

I was only having a conversation yesterday with someone, who asked me if I work. I gave up work 13 years ago due to childcare issues. DD in now nearly 18 and her care needs are no less now than when she was 4. I told the person I was speaking to that I couldn't envisage working any time soon as the stress of trying to juggle care, appointments and all the other crap administration that goes with having a disabled child would probably send me over the edge.
My compromise is that I do voluntary work, so that I have a purpose in life for me, outside of being a carer. The beauty of voluntary work is that I dictate the hours, don't work school holidays, and don't worry if DD is ill and I can't go in.
I wasn't particularly enjoying my job when I resigned, and couldn't believe that I burst into tears when I actually handed my notice letter over. I think it was just the realisation that I couldn't fulfil the career that I thought I had and that I wasn't superhuman.

sallyneedssleep Wed 10-Oct-12 14:49:29

I didn't go back to work. My nerves are shot. But I'm lucky that I didn't need to ie DS1 didn't need intensive Aba or similar.
Having said that, I'm now at the stage where I'd love to go back. DS1 is older and doing ok. DH now home at a reasonable time every night and DS2 will be 1yr later this month. If he turns out to be nt I think I'll start looking for something. Problem is the flexibility you need when your family isn't quite like everyone else's.

SallyBear Wed 10-Oct-12 14:54:58

I haven't worked since 1999. DD had huge medical issues when born, still does to a lesser degree but DS4 has non verbal ASD. We agreed that as DH is abroad a lot there is no point in returning to work. I don't know if I'd want to, but I have a friend whose dd is severely disabled and she teaches two days a week. She describes those two days as her respite from being the mum of a disabled child.

OwlLady Wed 10-Oct-12 14:56:48

Yes it's flexibility that is doing me in tbh. I have to work all weekends, and any day my husband has off in order to have 'childcare' It means I am at home when he isn't and he's home when I am not. It means we get no time as a family anymore and whilst it has worked in the past i just don't feel we get enough out of life anymore and it's restrictive enough as it is. I know this is dramatic but I am seriously concerned I am going to burn myself out. Emotionally I feel wretched at appointments and cried at a paed appointment last week.
We have spinal surgery looming and I just cannot cope with it all.

I have no social life whatsoever.

My daughter is 13 btw, not a baby sad her needs just seem to be getting worse and worse too. It's one thing after another and when you have a child with SLD and complex needs you think you are dealing with it all and then something else comes along, like epilepsy, scoliosis or whatever and it's just another thing you have to cope with

I am so self pitying sorry sad

bigbluebus Wed 10-Oct-12 15:24:51

owl I think you have done briliantly to get as far as your DD being 13 and managing to hold down a job with everything else. You managed 8 yrs longer than I did!!!
There are only 24 hrs in a day and 7 days in a week. Sometimes that is not enough to just deal with everything that goes with having a disabled child in addition to evryday life - never mind adding work into the mix.
If your DD has spinal surgery coming up, then that is going to make life even more difficult surely, whilst she recovers. I guess it all depends if you could manage financially without your income. Finding things to occupy your spare time will be the easy bit!

Chundle Wed 10-Oct-12 15:41:55

I took volutary redundancy in march 2011 as the stress of it all and appontments were getting too much. I'm considering going back part time now and dh will go part time so we can share the burden! I've enjoyed being at home but its getting too much now and we are getting no support so I need to do something for me

magso Wed 10-Oct-12 15:54:38

I agree it gets harder as the years go by. I gave up Saturdays for the same reason as you. I also became very ill and am certain the physical stress of 24 hour care, always running from work to pickup, never being able to relax and socialise was a major factor in becoming ill. So well done! In theory I still work one day a week but I am struggling to keep my skills up to date.
I have a friend whose son, now in his mid 20s is happilly living in his own supported flat ( ft carers) and she is back working - in a different field. So never say never.

OwlLady Wed 10-Oct-12 16:03:26

I did wonder whether it might be worth me focusing on my other skills until she goes into adult care, whatever that may be. I have also volunteered at my youngest's school so could do more of that I suppose. I think i have tried for too long really to keep it altogether and I actually think I have conned myself that I am coping. I was ill a couple of weekends ago with a D&V bug (we all had it, urgh) and work behaved as though I had committed some heinous crime and I just know they wont be understanding when it comes to the surgery, i know I shouldn't say this but I really don't think my employers see what I have to do at home, they think I am 'just' a mum iykwim

sallyneedssleep Wed 10-Oct-12 16:11:21

Gosh! Don't be sorry. That's what this board is here for. My ds1 has AS do life can be pretty restrictive with no possibility of eating out etc but st least we're not dealing with complex medical issues too. If you can afford it and it will make all your lives easier then go for it!

inappropriatelyemployed Wed 10-Oct-12 17:10:37

I know how you feel. I have just resigned from a post and gone back to freelancing because I need to be able to control the times I work. It breaks my heart in a way because I really wanted the job but it was not a supportive environment.

I am pursuing this with the diversity team as this was a prominent public sector workplace and they should be able to understand that the parents of disabled children have phenomenal stresses.

I like my freelance work but banks don't like freelancers so our mortgage capacity has taken a hit.

I also end up working eves and weekends and I am shattered. Exhausted. And I am fighting on so many fronts, I don't know whether I am coming or going.

I look back to when DS was a baby or toddler and things seemed so, so much easier then

OwlLady Wed 10-Oct-12 17:14:48

I think it's easier to get people to look after them when they are tiny though. I know even up to when my daughter was up to about 6/7 I could still use a normal childminder, even though she was in nappies but I think that was the cut off and i think I was lucky. Now I cannot get anyone to have her, not even her grandparents. It's just us

too right that public sector employees should have understanding workplaces, it's bloody worrying

inappropriatelyemployed Wed 10-Oct-12 17:19:55

We are the same owllady and it is an intense dynamic to be the only support for a child with disabilities.

OwlLady Wed 10-Oct-12 17:30:21

it is, I find it overwhelming sad and my daughters social worker is beyond useless.

Dev9aug Wed 10-Oct-12 19:54:35

OP, you have lasted 13 years, I applaud you for it. I barely lasted six months at work after the dx of ASD for ds1(3 now) before going on a career break. I am going back to work part time next week but only now when there is plenty of support in place to support dw.

mariamma Wed 10-Oct-12 23:12:28

Join a union. Good backup, and lawyer advice, even if your employer doesn't formally recognise them.

mariamma Wed 10-Oct-12 23:13:47

And you can stay in when unemployed/ at home, which can help with networks, keeping a toe in work-world, being eligible for courses, etc

hk78 Thu 11-Oct-12 13:29:36

i'm currently on sick leave, have disabled dd and feeling that i am probably going to pack it all in due to similar reasons to all of you above.

good advice about joining/remaining in a union.

chocjunkie Thu 11-Oct-12 14:04:17

OP, oh I know how you feel. I also work, DD1 has autism (quite severe), and DD2 ist only a toddler. I haven't got family nearby either and work is killing me. I have lost more than a stone last year, I am constantly on the edge…
and having to fight all the SN battles such as statement, DLA etc doesn’t help either. i am up every night several times with both DDs. I am constantly tired and exhausted.

Have talked to the tax credit help line and we are simply much better off if I stay in work so I have no choice but to carry on sad

Hallebloodyleujiah! Now hand it in!!!

I hope to join you one day. ALthough I'd have to resign from myself so I won't need a letter.

:pat on the back: :pours glass of wine: :passes a fig:

oh and inappropriately - I have made the same choice. I keep being asked to apply for research posts and are told they're flexible, but I know they're not flexible enough for me. So freelance/own business it is. And yes evening working sucks.

cornsconkers Thu 11-Oct-12 16:20:33

I'm also on the verge of handing my notice in. The stress of having to be at work at a certain time ( even tho i'm part-time) but having to have ds at school before then is not good.
Does anyone know - do I have to wait for the next tax year to claim carers as I've been working?

cornsconkers Thu 11-Oct-12 16:23:00

I also work in public sector - they mostly don't give a shit about your home life, as long as they can squeeze what they can out of you..

inappropriatelyemployed Thu 11-Oct-12 16:56:33

Corn, sorry things are so crap for you. I think it depends on how much you have earned this tax year.

chocjunkie Thu 11-Oct-12 17:00:58

Corn, carers allowance does not depend on what you have earned over the tax year. It is a weekly benefit and you should get it as soon as you leave work (provided your DC gets Dla at MCR or HCR).

TheLightPassenger Thu 11-Oct-12 17:29:35

if you are who I think you are, as I recall you work in a particularly unforgiving sector with regard to demands/flexibility, and completely understand why it's too much, particularly if you and DH are ships in the night as it were. Hope you feel better soon.

cornsconkers Thu 11-Oct-12 21:11:53

Sorry for hijacking your thread owl lady - just couldn't believe it when I saw this thread which reflects exactly how I feel!
Knackered, stressed, had enough!
ds has just been bumped up to HRC ( still no firm dxshock so pretty amazed) so I feel more confident about giving up work but....what about when he's older.... Will I regret it if I can't get back in and he's financially dependent on me...
It's that more than anything that is worrying me. Especially with all the changes being brought in to benefits by this government.

OwlLady Fri 12-Oct-12 17:40:53

and today to top things off I was completely demoralised in front of staff I have to manage because tosser at the top wanted me to explain my personal circumstances
at least it has made my mind up

sorry corn to you too

I am also considering doing this. It's hard work having to explain why I am late for work after an appointment with the senco has over run or that I have to take yet another day off for an assessment or to feel like an involved parent so I can observe DS in SN facility that he goes to.

Not to mention the exhaustion from constantly chasing after him until 10-11 at night when he finally collapses!

Just need to work out if its financially viable and being that he now gets dla it may be that I could at least cut down and claim carers allowance. Only thing that's stopping me is that work is my escape!

I am also training to be a SEN TA which is voluntary but what I'd like to do is help out more at DS's school to get more experience and possibly a "foot in the door" and not working will enable this too!

OwlLady Fri 12-Oct-12 18:10:36

work has always been my escape to, it isn't anymore, it gives me more headaches than at home

I think people are less understanding as they get older as well as they think they are more independent <hollow laugh>

I left just as I was qualifying; I did qualify but knew I wouldn't be able to work in that field. Ds was constantly being picked up due to illness at nursery and I couldn't do both. I went back to a different field about five years later. Its still hard and I work part time. You Are Not Alone.

inappropriatelyemployed Fri 12-Oct-12 21:16:04

Chocjunkie, is that right? I thought they ask what you earn per annum? Or perhaps that is just because I'm self-employed.

justaboutiswarm Sat 13-Oct-12 08:27:50

I am at home with my three, all with additional needs/diagnoses.
Money is tight but I feel increasingly happy with the choice I have made. Which is to start seeking little bits and pieces of part-time work once DS3 is in preschool, but really only a couple of hours a week for now, and to keep it that way for a few years. If I can work up to a (say) 0.5 role once they are in secondary, that would be ideal - but I don't necessarily expect to. It depends what state they are in, physically and emotionally.

I think you are making the only possible choice for your health and wellbeing, actually. As our children get older, so do we. We have to work out what is feasible.

OwlLady Mon 15-Oct-12 09:18:32

I have handed it in. I feel relieved tbh

cornykrueger Mon 15-Oct-12 10:29:08

oooh well done
I'm still pondering...

LateDeveloper Mon 15-Oct-12 10:41:05

OwlLady - good for you for resigning from a stressful job. Have a good long break and take stock.

I've just given up a 4 day a week job to do what I hope will be a more manageable 2.5 days mainly from home. However I'm keeping my childcare for three days as I need the respite and I want him to stay in the system - round here the majority of even quite expensive holiday childcare for children with disabilities is only available if both parents are working.

Ds is lovely but at 7 is becoming more hard work and I fear if I gave up work I might find it difficult to go back at a later date.

I'm trying to convince myself that he will be calmer at 14. At seven I can still pick him up and carry him when he has a meltdown. Maybe I'll spend my free time working out in the gym and forge a new career as a body builder <<looks down sadly at overweight flabby body>>

littlefirefly Mon 15-Oct-12 11:59:18

Well done for taking the plunge OwlLady!

I haven't been able to work for over a decade due to DS's autism, as I'm a lone parent and have no partner to depend on. I find we manage well enough financially, as DS gets HRC and the increased rate of CTC on top, plus my Carer's. And although DS is at special school, I find I need to spend his school hours doing the normal daily things that most parents can do while their dc are self-occupied, which DS can't do. It also means I can attend things like talks and courses on autism, so I'm more able to manage his needs.

I do go to the gym during school hours as well but I see that as taking care of myself so that I'm healthy enough to deal with DS - mentally and physically.

chocjunkie Mon 15-Oct-12 12:31:28

IAE - not sure if it is different when you are self employed.

I am employed and my earnings and childcare does vary.I have to fill in a form every 2 months and submit pay slips and childcare invoices and then the DWP calculate/decide for which week I do qualify and for which weeks I don't. in my case it absolutely has nothing to do with my annual income but with my weekly take home pay (after deducting 50% of my childcare fees and 50% of my pension contributions). So yes, I work and I do qualify for carer's (most weeks at least).

inappropriatelyemployed Mon 15-Oct-12 12:35:55

Thanks. They take it on a yearly basis if you are self-employed - so you submit your annual accounts and what you earn in one tax year, affects whether you can claim in the next.

I was made redundant early las year from a part time job that I loved.
I panicked & found another job which was more hours & more hard work!!
I just couldn't cope & handed my notice in after struggling on for 6 months.I didn't want to let my family down & had worked all my adult life,so the decision to leave was a bit fraught.
15 months on & I'm still out of work,but I feel I have more time to deal with all the responsibilities of having a child with a disability & I feel alot less stressed myself.
I would like to get back to work but I am not putting pressure on myself to find a job,as it will have to be the 'right one'.

magso Wed 17-Oct-12 09:41:35

Well done Owl Lady for handing your notice in!!

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