Givememoresleep - you might find it difficult to believe how much effort I put into trying to get adequate support for my son in the five years he was educated in schools. In that time I was constantly faced by disinterest, lack of awareness, deceit and downright lies. I did have a couple of professionals onside (one Ed Psych and an autism outreach worker), but access to any support they recommended was always in the hands of Head Teachers who couldn't give a toss.

My son attended two schools, the second of which was a mainstream school with an autism base and reputedly THE school in my borough for children whose ASD wasn't severe enough for special school. Yet still he was ignored and neglected. Even after a serious incident resulting in a fixed term exclusion and lengthy discussions about what supports we used at home, and reassurances from the Head that they'd do everything they could to help him, a month later they still hadn't put a single one in place, and he was suffering horrendously.

Please don't assume that I withdrew my son from the state system at the drop of a hat without pursuing all courses of action first. My family - particularly my son - suffered for years whilst trying to access the most basic of supports. And worryingly I'm not alone - countless families could tell you the same story.

I'm pleased that you feel yourself to have more patience with your son as a result of him going to school - that really is very positive. I on the other hand found the stresses of school had such an adverse effect on my son that he was horrific in the evenings and we barely had any quality time together. Our whole lives, weekends too, were focused on keeping him calm enough to get through those six hours each day when he was being expected to get by without help.

For the record, I fully appreciate that there are good and bad schools, teachers etc. I also appreciate that I've been particularly unfortunate not to experience them personally. But please don't assume that all home edders are impatient reactionaries who don't try to make school work first. I know many, many parents who were utterly worn out with the effort of trying before eventually giving it up as a bad job.

I did say that OfSTED wasn't 100% accurate , but a better starting point than doing nothing and just giving up on even attempting to find a better school.

I wish you luck, debs40, but I'm not going to contribute on this thread anymore because I think that everyone (including me) is unable to see past their own agenda and experience to advise you. People who've home-edded, and taken their child out of the stress of school, will naturally tell you it's the best thing ever. Those like me will tell you that a better school will transform your experience of school and also allow parent and child to have their own separate lives a bit. I know that some parents of children with SN send their children to school with a bit of relief for the break and I do think that being apart from J for a few hours a day means that I have more energy and patience than when I'm with him 24/7.

It's got to be your decision but I'm getting very frustrated (and always do) about the idea that a child would be withdrawn from the education system without everything being put in place first. I know I'm biased, given my job, but I think home-edders can be evangelical about the crapness of the education system and how shit teachers are, without seeing that there are good and bad of everything. HEing without trying as hard as possible to find a place and resources to make it work (i.e. a statement) just strikes me as baffling as never going abroad on holiday ever again because it rained once when you did go.

I'm sure HE is aboslutely right for many children. I'm also sure that, for many children, school could have worked.

So good luck, Debs, and I'm not trying to offend anyone. I just think that people (including me) are unable to see past their own experience to give you objective advice and I'm finding it all frustrating. I hope it works out for you.

I'm out for most of today but will check messages later. Perhaps a phone chat might be in order?

Thanks streaky, I might do that if you don't mind.

I did wonder about that. The teacher in his class seems to be completely determined that he is not entitled to any extra help of special treatment.

I've just drawn up a visual schedule for the morning - list of prompts for his 'jobs'.

There are EIGHT things he has to remember to do. That's a lot for any child, let alone one on the spectrum. The trouble is there are consequences if he doesn't remember - home work not marked, books not changed, communication book not read. Even for NT kids this is unacceptable.

Hmmm... I'd be very wary of OFSTED reports with regard to SEN, and in fact generally.

My son's old school has an incredible OFSTED, including provision for SEN, yet none of it is true. They are woefully unequipped to deal with SENs of any kind, the Head doesn't want children with disabilities cluttering up her nice middle-class school and refuses to access relevant training for her staff. Children are expected to largely fend for themselves outside of academic work and they're all treated the same. Any 'problems' they might have are the parents' responsibility.

I've also heard recently (via a friend on the inside of ASD provision in the LEA), that this particular Head is now telling parents looking for places at her school that they have no experience of working with ASDs so their children will be better off elsewhere - this supposedly supports parents to make 'informed decisions' about where to have their children educated but in fact it relieves her of the responsibility of having to spend her budget on providing for the little buggers. I know of at least three autistic children who have been failed at this school so she does have experience, it's just rather crap and unsupportive.

As for OFSTED generally, I think results don't necessarily reflect a school's ability to provide for children but the Head's ability to hoodwink the inspectors. Several education professionals I've spoken to agree with this. Like a lot of education policy, it's just words on paper and bears little relation to actual fact.

Debs, if you want to talk HE some more feel free to CAT me. My son's made incredible progress since we deregistered last year and I only wish we'd done it a long time ago.

OfSTED reports, though by no means 100% accurate, are a good start with regards to SEN-suitability. They will often write about inclusivity and always write about what they call the 'outcomes' for 'vulnerable groups' - SEN, looked-after children etc. It's a good start - go on the OfSTED website and you can put in your postcode and it will list your local schools. Also, find out if there's a local autism outreach service/ parent support group and ask to speak to the leader - they will probably have a better local knowledge of the best ASD-friendly schools than the NAS. Good luck.

I meant to add that another friend whose eldest has just left this school said that there was a little girl at the school with cancer a few years back. She had ten months off and returned to no plan, no support, no extra assistance depsite the fact that she was obviously behind. The parents moved schools.

sickof...I think that too. I was just saying to a friend that they all stand around scratching their heads here. Whatever service you need, no one is really at the top of their game. It's a traditional, olde worlde county town surrounded by hunting, shooting, fishing west country. People come here to retire or for an easy life. Difference is not welcomed.

Attila, I agree. This is one of the reasons I'm seriously considering al options. The fact is that even with a statement, this might not be the right school. Who wants to send their child to a school were they are so lazy they can't be bothered to look into these things, and where their only conception of well-being is academic progress?

So PippinJo, I totally get what you mean about "All I know what it means to me is that they treat my son with the respect that each and every other child gets...fairness". My friend, who is a teacher said to me today that by their actions they are making him different. I think they expect the same from him in everything he can't do, but then lower their expectations of him. He is, for example, perfectly confident if you give him the chance and is on reading books several levels lower than his ability.

Someone on here once said schools don't like increasing their number of registered SEN children as it appears on their reports and puts prospective middle class pushy parents off. Mmmm, I wonder.....

So there's lots to consider. Not just a statement, but the right school, or area, or HE.

The sad thing is that his teacher last year said she loved having him in her class. No chance of that this year

(sorry hijack back) thanks sickof
I have just hired one of their long term staff as a tutor so I am really pleased as she knows school and will help him settle in quicker and explains ABA to the teachers...which they will listen to a familiar face also

Going back though Debs if you have a school with the 'right attitude' it makes all the difference. My ds wasnt invited to sports day/class photo/fetes...didnt get letters etc he was in bottom set for reading/maths as he was 'disabled' now in the new school he is being put on level 4 books when his peers are on level 1-2 (whatever that means). All I know what it means to me is that they treat my son with the respect that each and every other child gets...fairness! I am so much happier...and to be honest the children are a lot more nurtering, happier, disciplined, educated etc even though it is a 'Waterloo Road' type of school. I am proud he is their and a lot happier than in the middle class 'bubble' that it was clear from the school he was not their 'type'. Same happened at the school 17 yrs ago a Down syndromne girl had to leave because she was not 'suitable' and she flourished at another MS school else where...works full time now etc.

The head at ds school was a special needs teacher for 18 years...she was of the opinion that SNs need to stay SNs and not in MS....it must be the same for colour as well...as the little indian boy in nursery didnt get a place in reception....he was the only boy who connected with ds and he was extremely bright too! My advice Debs get out and ask local NAS groups or SNAP IPSEA etc do they know better schools in the area. I was told to put ds in the school he is NOW in by the solicitor who helped me win ABA...I wish I had listened...even Paed said I made best move last week for DS. I don't think I can say it any clearer or be anymore emotional about how I feel what you should do for your ds....he is still young and will settle into a school more 'sympathetic and supportive' far quicker than you can imagine...he can sense the 'not feeling wanted' and your stress about it too a guess. Goodluck with what you decide but i hope you and ds will be happy soon. x

"No, he doesn't have a statement and I actually think with some will and some resources, his needs could be met in school. But I suppose that is the thing about statements, they force schools to do what they're not doing. You just have no guarantee that the school are going to be responsive".

Hi Debs

re your comments above:-

From what I have read of your son's school there seems to be no real will, much dilly dallying on the school's part and nothing much in the way of resources. Your son's needs are not being fully met currently and there is no cast iron guarantee that these will be met either the further on he goes particularly if there is no statement in place. I'd be giving this lot a kick up the jacksi verbally speaking. A statement is a legally binding document which outlines the child's educational difficulties and how best to deal with these difficulties in terms of strategies and support. It being legally binding is vitally important as school have to do as it says. No other plan has this degree of clout.