Mumsnet Talk

Bit of background. . I have 2 dds. Dd1 has AS and dd2 is NT. I home educate dd1.
The last year has been incredibly difficult- we went through the dx process and had a really rough time, plus we withdrew dd from school due to some serious issues.

I always said that I wanted 3 children, but dh and I decided a while ago that we wouldn't have any more dc. There seems to be a genetic link with dd's AS(we both think dh also has AS)and so there's a chance a new dc may also have be on the spectrum. This doesn't put me off, it's more that I doubt my ability to cope with another child with SN- just don't know if I am up to the job.

But I can't stop wanting another child. I physically ache, at times -I know that might sound wierd . At dd2's dancing class, 2 of the mums I have a coffee with are expecting their third children and I am ashamed that I feel envious and a even a slightly bitter. I know that's horrible and I'm not proud of my feelings.

Recently, it's got to the stage where I avoid babies and toddlers, because it's just too painful to be around them.

I have 2 beautiful children and I know that I am very lucky. Yet this yearning will not go away.
Has anyone else been through this?

Thanks for listening

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I shouldn't post here really but I long for more children too.

DD has had problems but they were physical, not mental, and she seems pretty much okay now.

DH has had the snip but I feel there is another baby for me somewhere.

Thanks, Riven.
I know exactly what you mean - and although nothing would make me do things differently, I have to admit that I do crave the early days again and the joy it can bring. Not that the dds aren't joyful -but it's stressful lately.

It could be because things are so bloody hard with dd1 at the moment and I am looking for something to plug the gap, if that makes sense.

I could only admit this on here, but at times,I actually feel resentful of what an easy decision it is for some people to have another baby. At the dance class I mentioned, a few mums were really casual about 'maybe trying next year' or saying that they would have at least another two babies. I was pathetic, cos I felt like crying.

FAB, Course you should post here -there are all sorts of reasons why women crave another baby and my situation is only one of many.

I am glad your dd is okay now. x

I know exactly what you mena, siblingrivalry.

I have 2 dds as well, and dd1 is ASD. dd2 is NT so far (had a couple of health issues, but all seems fine)

there is a strong genetic link to ASD in my family (my fahter was probably AS, my brother certainly so. other brother and I skirt a very fine line between NT and AS)

I really want naother baby. dd1 is 4, dd2 is 2. If there were no ASD, I would be pregnant again by now (assuming easy conception), but we just cannot commit to another. we both kind of want another, but can't get our heads around the what ifs, really.

I too have been having a tough time with dd1 recently (not helped that she still isn't statemented - we started out in Dec 2007!) and will be 5 in August so come September there has to be some plan in place for school...

I had a horrible weekend, and was wailing to dh that I couldn't cope (as you do ) and he coudln't understand how I could want another baby. but I do.

I probabyl won't have one, but I want one very much.

Gosh I know exactly what you mean, I always wanted 4 DC's and althugh DH and I have agreed that we wont have any more, its so hard. I get so broody when I see friends who are PG.

I have to remind myself that I just wouldnt cope, DS2 is very demanding and there is no let up, I am ever so lucky that I have such a laid back DD, but I feel guilty every day that I dont spend half as much time with her as I would like, and I hope that she doesnt get a little older and start to resent me for it

Yeah,silverfrog, dh and members of my family also ask how I could even consider another child, as I sit in tears of exhaustion and frustration

I'm sorry you are having similar problems.

Like you, without ASD, I know that I would have been pregnant by now but the 'what ifs' are always there.

I lie in bed and try to make a list of 'pros' to not having another baby. To be honest, on paper, there are far more negative aspects to having another -AS, space, exhaustion levels etc.

Thing is, maternal instincts completley negate all of these and I end up back at square one!
I have felt like this -off and on - for at least 2 years

Frasersmum, the child who is NT is also a worry, I agree. I also worry that dd2 isn't getting enough time and that dd1's meltdowns and OCDs are having an unsettling effect on her.

So, why on earth do I want to add to this brood?!

Im the same though. I know that I have about as much as I can handle, but when I think about not being PG again, or never giving birth again thats what makes me

ditto

the thing is, the way I rationalise it (to myslef - don't think anyone else would get my logic!) is that I would be in tears of frustration and exhaustion over dd1 even if dd2 were not here. My stress levels would not be much different, tbh.

so surely another baby wouldn't add too much? <delusional>

they are only small, after all, and no trouble really <ignores the fact that I suffer form hyperemesis so have stressful pregnancies; and that looking after one baby last time I was pregnant and throwing up 12 times a day was bad enough, but to have 2 of them next time would be impossible; and that I get little enough sleep at times even without adding in a newborn; etc etc>

LOL, Silverfrog, at the 'delusional' comment -I'm right with you there

I also had 2 crappy pregnancies and don't 'carry well' as my mum says. I am starting to question my own sanity, to be honest!

I tend to go through a few weeks of feeling this 'ache' for a baby, then I convince myself that it wouldn't work. I bury my feelings for a month or so, then they surface again.

I wonder how long I've got til the menopause?!

yep, right with you on cycles of feelings too - am currently in a not-so-sure-I-want-another phase (and still long for one - what hope is there?!) but know that ina couple of weeks I'll be really resentful that I'm not pregnant again.

Doesn't help that I am surrounded by pregnant people at the moment - dd1's SALT at pre-school (so lots of topic stuff on babies going on too), my neighbour and my SIL are all pregnant - all due in October - now that is going to be a bad month!

I do try to explain to dh that I would cope with another pregnancy - when I was pregnant with dd2, dh had 2 major ops (one life-threatening), we were going through dx, and we had builders in knocking down rebuilding most of the house (seriously, we had 2 rooms untouched - dd1's bedroom and the spare room. all other rooms were unusable. for 3 months)

so if I can cope with all that, surely having another now would be piss easy? (dd1 off to school soon, just a matter of forcing LEA to accept that negotiating where) and dd2 would be a helpful big sis, actually, and would be desperate to be involved...

Wow, you must have amazing coping mechanisms - you had so much going on at once.
And once you are through the statement process, you will regain some time to yourself.
I haven't had the torture pleasure of that myself, as we were catergorically informed that dd wouldn't get any help. This was by at least 4 'professionals'

How does your dh feel about another baby? Mine isn't keen at all -so there we go with another obstacle. I feel as though I could go off into peals of hysterical laughter
Mind you, that might also have something to do with the hour I spent earlier tonight explaining to dd1 that a dim nightlight would not fade her book and that the sun is MUCH more powerful -but it still wouldn't be able to shine through a box to reach her favourite catalogue.

God, we have to laugh or we would cry!

dh does want another too, but is unsure how we (mainly me, as he works late alot) would cope.

he has 2 form his first marriage too, so that's a lot of children to provide for!

definitely agree that if you don't laugh you cry - think I might have scuppered my chances of another baby by crying a LOT last weekend though!

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feel the same as you all

I do carry what my dd has and its pretty 50/50 of passing it on - though most likely scenario then would be mc or worse (one form of it is incompatable with life)

My dd was my first. I think lots of the grief and anger I felt were not due to her problems but at thought / prospect of never having any more

I had my ds 2 years after my dd and was incredibly lucky in that he has escaped the genetic probs altogether - not even a carrier. Was adamant at the time I would never ever entertain notion of pg again

Now am feeling rather broody. Even though I know it would be heartbreaking to try and go through more mc and heartbreaking 'choices'

I think we share a common thread here. We all know the risks and impracticalities of having more babies, but that doesn't mean that it stops us yearning

Thanks for all of the responses.At least we have somewhere to talk about things like this. There's no one in RL I could talk to, without coming over as mad!

Hi,

I had DS1 with a dx of HFA and DS2 (nt) and decided to have baby number 3 anyway.

We love him to bits, but he does have autism, and is much more severely autistic than DS1. And tbh, we were not prepared for that at all.

Obviously, now I have him, I wouldn't change him for all the world! His brothers are fab with him too.

It has to be said, our lives would be an awful lot easier if it was just us and DS1 and DS2. But I think that the yearning for a third baby, and feeling of incompleteness, would have been very hard to live with if we hadn't had him.

Hi,
I'm in the same boat, i have 2 dd's, one has Aspergers the other has HFA/ASD, we have been told that there is a 60% chance of our next child being on the spectrum. I would love another baby but we are not sure if we could cope with a 3rd autistic child.

I think Dh worries about what other people will think of us for having another when we know he/she may be autistic.

Dinosaur, I think you have summed it up there -I either live with feeling incomplete, or take a chance on a third child being autistic, too.

Like you, if I found myself in the same situation I wouldn't want to change anything, but it raises a whole new set of 'what ifs?'

Marne, my dh also has the same concerns as your dh -he says that we couldn't complain that we needed a break/help etc, then go on to have another baby

Between the devil and the deep blue sea, I think.

So glad this thread has been started. I feel exactly the same way would love a third child, get real yearning and broody feelings when I see newborn babies. Yet am absolutely petrified of having another as I don't feel I could cope with the autism or aspergers. I have a daughter who was ill with autistic encephalitus so she was severly autistic for six months then within six months of her getting better I fell pregnant with my son. Though he was planned the minute I fell pregnant I was absolutely petrified cried every day with fear and worry. Up until he was two i was absolutely petrified he would have severe autism. He is now seven and he has mild aspergers, we are coping with this. I have mild aspergers myself and can trace it back through two or three generations.
I cannot putmyself or my husband or two children through another pregnancy the nine months of me crying the wondering the worrying the imagining the senarios etc. it wouldn't be fair and I dont feel able to cope with any more on top of what I have been through and have got now. Though I am very grateful it is not worst than it is,

Yet despite it all i can't stop yearning for another child but to be honest my husband would not entertain the idea he said he couldn't see me go through the worry and the fear again and I am just too scared but I would so love another one in many ways but i just cant go there.

Thanks for starting this thread, hope you doon't think I am mad and what I am saying makes sense in a wierd kind of way lol

What you are saying makes perfect sense to me, don't worry I can imagine that I would also spend the whole pregnancy worried sick.

I also think about how I would be with a new baby -I know I would be looking for all of the signs, right from birth ie. is he/she smiling/have they got good eye contact?
I know that I would drive myself mad looking for things.

I'm really glad this thread has given lots of us the chance to get things off our chest

I'm sure you're all bored of me telling this story, but anyway...

When ds2 was dx with autism last year, me and Dh went out the same weekend to celebrate our anniversary (first time we had ever celebrated it) nd to also chat about what we were going to do. We decided that we would not have any more DC and focus on the two we had, even though I wanted 4 DC. And it wasn't easy me getting pregnant anyway, as had to have fertility drugs to conceive DS1+2 and was told could never conceive naturally. DS3 was born in November, after I conceived that weekend according to dates . To say we were shocked is an understatement. But I am a strong believer in fate. He fits in very well, he is very laid back, and so far is a lot like DS1. If he has some form of ASD, then we will deal with it then, but my instinct is saying he doesn't.

Sometimes you just have to take the hand fate deals you.

Now, I do want another DC, but I was wise and had my tubes tied while getting DS3 out through the sunroof so it isn't possible to have another natural child. But we are in talks about adoption. Not yet, but in years to come.