I am just so beyond gutted right now. This morning was typically bad getting DS ready for school, having to comb his hair etc. I got him to let me make the comb super wet and this in the end worked. Then dressing him I was getting annoyed because he was just totally not helping at all, not lifting a leg or arm or whatever. Then he did a poo and wouldnt let me wipe his bottom, running away screaming at me. It was just awful but normal awful.

Then I asked him to bring me his shoes. He totally ignored me. I asked him again in a sharper voice I was really annoyed by this time because the whole morning he had been making everything as difficult as it could possibly be. I shouted not to throw his shoes at me and pulled him over to me - too hard. I know he doesnt like to be pulled so I never do but I just wasnt behaving as I normally do.

Then he started punching me in the face, in the nose and on my glasses so I restrained him and said "do not hit me in the face DS! No hitting!" and he started screaming I was hurting him in the restraint which to be fair to me I dont think I was holding him hard but he is of course very sensitive to touch. So I let go and he punched me again in the eye and I just lost it I grabbed his hand and smacked the back of it.

I have never hit or smacked or anything to him before. And I really never thought I would. But I did. I smacked my own baby's hand and I just cant believe it. He was totally shocked and started really crying saying I hurt him etc and I held him and said sorry a lot and explained I had lost my temper because he hits me so much! Every day I get hit at least a dozen times, yesterday I was hit with a stick, he throws things at me. And I always respond with kindness and love I never let DH "punish" him for it because normally his own hyper sensitive guilt is enough and a time out or I ignore him for 5 mins or whatever. I love him. I always try to act 100% lovingly towards him. And I smacked him I am so angry.

How do I undo this? For one thing I have lost my normal higher ground "dont hit mama, mama doesnt hit you, does she?" for another he is going to latch on to this and make it into one of his huge things!

I'm going to call NAS and ask for advice.

Then we finally got out the door and DH had collapsed the bloody new Zapp and I dont know how to open it yet, yes I know I probably sound really stupid but I am terribly un-coordinated and not good at fiddly things so I was getting in a temper trying to open it up and phoned DH up shouting at him.

I think I am truly at my wits end. I dont mean to be sounding pitiful but I am the major giver in this family, I take care, I forgive, I make ok. And I think it has taken its toll on me. I am so ashamed of myself.