I know this isn't just about SN but I'm SO SO sick of threads demonising other children's behaviour.

[Shells]

Every day there seems to be a new one, usually from the parents of a child who has never hit, bitten , pushed blah blah blah. It then follows on that this misbehaving child's parents don't know how to manage them. Then that their darling children are having their lives ruined by these children.
Quite often the children in question are 3, 4, 5 year olds.

Someone inevitably wades in with 'they don't sound like a 'normal child' kind of comment.

I know that they are not always talking about children with SN, but thats sort of beside the point. The fact is that all children are different and it is part of life to be accepting of that and learn how to manage it.

As a parent of both SN and NT children I know that all children can be difficult in their own ways (quite often my NT boy is much harder work than my SN one), and frankly, being the parent of the difficult child is much more stressful than being the parent of the perfect child. Why are these parents so aggressive and unsupportive and smug?

Am I over-reacting?

[Bigpants1]

have two sons with SN so kinda know where youre coming from. why are the parents of perfect child so aggressive, unsupportive and smug? cos it says in the perfect child handbook that they are handed at birth, that they have to be. we, however, dont need a handbook, cos we have a sense of humour and an ability to look good wearing odd shoes, uncombed hair sick on our shoulder and that expression that says ive not just done the school run, ive just done 10 rounds with Mike Tyson, im in the playground before 9am, and i still havent had a cup of tea...look, its really late and im still laughing hysterically. smugness is soooooo over-rated.

[Shells]

Great response Bigpants. I was almost about to apologise for ridiculous over-the-top OP, but you've made me laugh!

[TotalChaos]

lol good post bigpants. I get fed up of the kneejerk - exclude! exclude! reaction.

[TinySocks]

Shells, are you referring to the thread about the child spitting and hitting in the library and the father not even apologizing?

I think that was out of order to be honest, if it had been my child I would have apologized and left the library. Surely spitting in someone else's book is not acceptable behaviour?

[ChopsTheDuck]

When I had one, we;ll behaved and compliant child I honestly thought it was down to my parenting skills. I didn't have a lot of patience with chidlren who misbehaved.

It was a bit of a wake up call when ds1 and then the dts came along!

Their day will come.

[GooseyLoosey]

Ds (5 and NT) is one of the children likely to be demonised. He is large, loud and can be agressive. I feel that the other parents at the school avoid him and do not invite him round to play with their children. It breaks my heart as they do not see the sweet, intense, funny and affectionate child he actually is and do not allow their children to see it either.

There is nothing I feel I can do short of confronting them which would probably only reinforce their views of him (and us as a family).

I have walked home from school with ds wanting to do nothing more than fold him into my arms to protect him from all the people who think its OK to talk about him when he is there and let their children be rude to him.

[5inthebed]

I totally agree Shell. My neice (4 and NT) can be an absolute nightmare. She has been known to bite my boys, she smacks them, screams at them and has the most magnificent tantrums. All in all she is a drama queen, and very spoilt. My sister (obviously raised by a totally different mother to myself ) doesn't like her being upset, so has never been told NO, never been "punished" for doing wrong and always gets her own way.
My ds2 on the other hand, has autism and yes might looklike a spoilt child when he has a meltdown in the middle of the school playground, lying on the floor in the pouring rain, but he has his reasons.

[cyberseraphim]

I'm not an expert but I think 'normal' bad behaviour is more often tolerated than 'odd' behaviour from SN children even if the odd SN behaviour is harmless.

[cory]

We do seem to be getting a fair few of these threads at the moment. It wasn't just the spitting thread, there have a been a fair few lately. And you do seem to get some very prim smug comments with them. Personally, I have seen so many of those smug mothers come to grief over the years that my attitude now is one of there-but-for-the-grace-of-God.

[coppertop]

I think sometimes people can make the mistake of thinking that their child is well-behaved and easy to deal with simply because of their own methods of parenting. When they see another child that isn't behaving as well, they presume it must be because of bad parenting.

If dd had been my first or only child it would have probably been very easy to be smug. I might have told myself that she was an early talker because I talked to her a lot or read to her. I could have smugly congratulated myself on her being toilet-trained early as being obviously due to my superior methods and patience.

I think people can sometimes fall into the trap of thinking that just because something works for their own child that it should automatically work for everyone else. There's usually a spate of fussy eating threads where someone will come out with the usual idea that "No child will ever starve themselves" because their own child will eat the hated vegetables if given no other option. When other parents tell them that actually yes their own child would rather starve than eat food that's the wrong colour or texture they are dismissed as being slightly neurotic.

I agree with the OP. I've seen too many of those behaviour threads where I've had to go back and re-read the title to make sure that it really did say the child was 3 or 4 and not 13 or 14.

[TinySocks]

Looks like I am alone in my opinion.
I haven't read the other threads about behaviour, but I did read the spitting one this morning. So I can only comment on that one.

My impression was that the op was complaining about the lack of interference from the child's parents (rather than the behaviour).

My DS has had very difficult behaviour in the past (he is better now, specially with his social behaviour, still not perfect but much improved). He used to touch other children's hair constantly, I had to follow him all the time when going to playgroups, and always interfere before something happened. I made the mistake of taking him shopping to a huge supermarket (to try and get him used to the experience). He touched everything, run off, it was a NIGHTMARE, and an older gentleman shouted abuse at me for not controlling my child. I felt terrible, I was shaking and had to call DH for some moral support. I still take him shopping but to small shops and for short trips.

However, if DS was hitting or spitting at someone, I would take action, apologize, talk to the person, do something.

[cory]

The spitting one was different, TinySocks. There have been several other threads recently where it has been assumed that a child who lashes out at school must be the result of poor parenting and that the mother must be at fault if she could not tell her child off in the morning in such a way as to have him still remember it several hours later at school.

As it so happens, my children have never been in trouble at school, but I don't imagine it is to do with my wonderful parenting, more to do with the fact that they have no sensory issues and that social behaviour comes naturally to them. .

[TinySocks]

I see cory, yes that makes sense. Good that I haven't read those other threads then.

Goodness, my DS2 is a little angle, but nothing to do with me! Just pure luck.
If I would have had DS2 before DS1 I would have probably been one of those people attributing his wonderful behaviour to my parenting skills!

[BriocheDoree]

This is why I keep off the other threads on Mumsnet (apart from living overseas, which I quite enjoy).
DD is usually pretty easy, but I know enough of you now that I DON'T judge when I see a child misbehaving, because I DON'T know what's going on. There's a little kid in DD's class who's being a nightmare at the moment, and his mum told me (unprompted) that he's really upset / reacting because she has just had a (lateish) miscarriage, so you just don't know!!

[Shells]

Thanks for all your responses. I spent WAY too much time on MN yesterday and you're right Brioche - its better not to even go there.
Tinysocks, it wasn't the spitting one that tipped me over the edge, it was the poor woman with the child who was a biter. She got SUCH a hard time from huge numbers of smug mums.
The spitting one was just a bit much for me in the end - mostly because the OP just couldn't understand (as several of you have pointed out) why their own perfect parenting methods weren't being employed to perfect effect.

I have had some hideous days with boys DSs where I've spent all day apologising to others for their behaviour. Sometimes you've just had enough.

[Shells]

Thanks TCL.

Also cyberseraphim, I think you're right. I think even the most right-on parents can surprise you with their intolerant views of 'odd' behaviour. Its a big learning curve isn't it.

[Shylily]

Remember that you don't actually know what the 'smug' parents are doing behind closed doors. A friend of mine commented on how relaxed a friend of mine (B) is with her DS and how 'in control', and how incredibly 'well-behaved' her son is. I took this as a comment on my own parenting skills and the fact that my own DS had just had a hysterical screaming fit that I could not control (after I'd tried to change his nappy). 2 weeks later B told me she smacks her son at least 4 times a week. To control his behaviour she says 'do you want Mummy to get cross?'
I'm not really in to smacking so I'm happy to wear the odd screaming fit and manage in my own way!
I always say 'don't congratulate yourself on your child's achievements as it might change tomorrow'!