It's all falling apart and I need to have a moan, sorry

[streakybacon]

Ds had another rough day at school yesterday. Had a 'spat' with another boy during last lesson - ds accidentally trod on the lad's fingers, apologised immediately, the boy said he'd done it on purpose and pushed him over but J held on and returned to his work. Later in the lesson he had to pass the boy on the way to the teacher's desk and the boy punched him in the stomach - ds could take no more and grabbed him by the neck and this is when the teacher intervened. Ds spent a few minutes at the computer to calm down.

But that's not really what's getting me down. When he got home he was so distressed he could barely speak to me. He cried most of the evening and when asked if he was upset about anything in particular or just generally he said "I don't know, I just want it all to stop". He'd had nothing to eat or drink all day because he 'forgets' and nobody bothered to prompt him. He was supposed to be going to school youth club last night but it was obvious he was never going to manage so I had to keep him home - cue more tears. The boy who'd punched him also goes and ds admitted he couldn't guarantee he'd get through the two hours without hitting him, and his face crumbled at the realisation of his crap self-control.

I feel dreadful for him. He's working so hard to try and get back on track after the exclusion incident but we seem to be going round in circles, getting him on his feet each night/weekend and then it all goes pear-shaped again each day at school. He's falling apart before my eyes and I can't do anything to help. The 'emergency referral' we requested two weeks ago for meds trial still hasn't come through, despite five phone calls to the department and leaving my details. This child is in bits and nobody gives a shit, and I'm worn out with being the only one who cares about him.

He's due to go on a 3 day residential trip with school in November, outdoor activities and he's desperate for it, can't talk about anything else, but I honestly don't think he's going to cope. Dreading the possibility that I might have to tell him he can't go.

Self-indulgent rant over, back to sobbing in my hanky

[BriocheDoree]

Poor you. Poor DS. Does he get no help at school? Sounds like he could really do with a friendly TA to help coax him along (or a friendly anybody, for that matter).

However, I'm not in the UK, so I don't know how these things work...

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Hi streaky

Am very sorry to read what has recently happened to you both. A mixture of misunderstanding, indifference and ignorance on the part of the school often contributes to such situations arising in the first place.

The first question I would ask here is whether or not your son has a Statement. If not I would apply for such a document from your LEA asap. This boy is currently being failed by his school, not just to say his peer group.

What's the SENCO like at school, have you met this person to date?.

IPSEA have info on exclusions - I am wondering if you've read their webpages. www.ipsea.org.uk.

(BTW thanks also for your reply to me re food phobic issues. Found all that thread v helpful).

Attila x

[Seuss]

You poor ds. We used to have that kind of cycle with our ds - get him sorted over the weekend and then pick him up Monday night with a whole list of complaints etc. It's even more upsetting when they are obviously trying soooo hard. Is the other boy going on the school trip? Could you prime someone to keep a close eye on him? Doesn't sound like anyones really looking out for him in school, you'd think someone would check he'd had his lunch at least.

[nicky693]

I think applying for the statement is definately the way forward. This way someone is there when these incidents happen and nip them in the bud before things esculate.

C says things like that when he has a bad day at school and as a parent it is so heart breaking to hear. C gets really confussed as to why these things happen with him at school and no amount of explaining can help. But at least if your child had a TA with him there is someone to witness incidents that dont stem from your son and also to explain and make sense of situations. Can you have a word with the school to make sure the dinner ladies keep an eye on your child and make sure that lunch is eatten. We have this problem with C to and when he doesnt eat he gets even more tearful and upset which doesnt help the situation.
I really feel for you and know how you feel seeing your child so upset.

[siblingrivalry]

Hi Streaky. So sorry to hear about J's awful day .

How are you both today?
I have emailed you.
Take care x

[streakybacon]

Thanks all.

Ds doesn't have a statement - I'm in the process of applying but it's taking ages to pull together as I'm also my mum's main carer and there have been countless problems there, I have health problems myself and it takes a lot of time and effort just keeping ds on an even keel. Should have it ready to send off in a couple of weeks, and I have Parent Partnership helping with that.

The Head is SENCo and I met with her this morning to talk about my worries. She'll speak again with dinner staff to make sure J eats and drinks - I'm convinced that's a contributory factor.

Ds will be grouped with the autism teacher (the school has an ASD unit) for the trip, and the other boy won't be there. They're going to try to fit in quiet breaks so he doesn't get overloaded with all the activities.

The school is very good generally, ds moved there from a dreadful place last Sept at the beginning of Y4 and has made excellent progress, loves it. This current backslide comes straight from the exclusion three weeks back and it's taking him a very long time to recover from it. It's so frustrating for us that he'd made such vast progress and now it all seems to be unravelling in such a short space of time, and each time there's another 'blip' he slides further back.

Had a row with dh this morning too - he's not very aware when it comes to school matters, wants him to go to an independent secondary where he'll get no LEA support and they have a zero tolerance policy to aggression. I've actually spoken with the SENCo and they've told me they won't accept it if he hits anyone, Aspergers or not. He won't last a week but can't get dh to understand that.

Gah! [hits head with mallet emoticon]
x

PS: Attila - are you sure it was me who replied to your thread? Can't remember responding to anything about food phobias recently?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Hi streakybacon

To my mind your DS needs that Statement asap.
He is being failed by school currently. Apart from anything else that is legally binding so the school is going to have to stick to it to the letter. Do not delay this application any longer than you have to, it can take six months to get a Statement set up anyway (and that is if the content of said statement is agreed by all parties).

Actually you only need an initial covering letter to send to the LEA - you don't need a ream of reports etc to give them yet (infact the LEA will ask for reports separately). The first hurdle of many though is getting the LEA to agree to statutory assessment. IPSEA as well have covering letters you can use.

PP can be good in some areas but its very much a lottery. The PP in this area works out of the same building as the LEA and are thus not fully independent of them. Not saying you should not use PP, particularly if they have been helpful, but many are not fully independent and can tow their LEA's party line. You need to bear that in mind.

Why is DH set on sending your son to the independent secondary?. Sounds to me like he is in denial of the whole situation re your son.

HTH a bit, keep posting.

Attila

P.S Am v grateful for all who replied to my food phobias thread, you were indeed one of the respondents.

If you run into difficulties with the statementing process, IPSEA and or SOS;SEN can be very helpful.

Hopefully the dinner staff will actually take note of what the SENCO says.

[streakybacon]

Hi Attila. I agree he needs that statement asap but other stuff keeps getting in the way! Realise I could just send covering letter initially but PP agreed that because it's such a complex case it would be helpful to send some info with the application. Also aware that I may not have time to wade through all the documents when it's time to put parent views together so for me it makes sense to have as much of it prepared now so I can just send it off.

Our PP is run by Barnardo's so they are truly independent. I'm part of their AS support group and ds is known to them from other services so they have insight to him as well, which helps a lot.

Agree with you about dh being in denial. I think that's true for a lot of dads, tbh. He's a lot more aware than he used to be but it's a long process! I think he gets lulled into a false sense of 'normality' when ds is doing well, and expects it to be ongoing. He doesn't handle blips very well.

I've just spoken to Autism Outreach and she's going to school on Monday to observe in class, will also recommend ensuring he eats and drinks and being more watchful later in the day when ds is more likely to blow. She's going to do some 1-1 work with him on managing his anger in school as well.

Thanks for your help and advice. Much appreciated.
x

[dustystar]

{{{hugs}}} streaky. I don't know if I can help with the reports at all but you have my email if there's anything I can do.

[streakybacon]

Thanks for your kind offer of help, dusty. I think I'm OK with the reports, it's just a case of finding time to gather them all together and checking through/copying etc.

Ds came home with his lunch intact again today, so clearly hadn't eaten again, and his water bottle was full .

[padua]

No advice that hasn't already been given but feeling for you.