Parents with special needs.(Slightly long)

[falcon]

I apologise if this isn't the appropriate place to post this, but I need to vent/ask advice on a particular matter.

I have dyspraxia and while it isn't as severe as it could be, it does cause considerable problems both at home and in my workplace.

I'd like to adopt in the next 3 years or so and while I know all new or prospective parents worry about how they'll cope with a new baby/child, I find myself worrying about the strangest things.

I worry that I'll have difficulty dressing them correctly, while I can dress myself I find it difficult to adjust clothing so that everything is neat and in place.

I often find myself with a big knot in my hair that I've failed to notice, but that is obvious to everyone else or find that I've put my top on inside out and it's taken a few hours to notice.

I'm not terribly good at telling which colours complement each other and which should never go together and it concerns me that I may accidentally humiliate my child by sending him or her out with wrinkled or mismatch and clothing.

I also worry about my ability to dry and style their hair, something I also have difficulty with when doing my own.

Ironing is yet another issue which I find extremely difficult and I have a tendency to iron more wrinkles in than out.

I mentioned the above concerns, and others, to a friend of mine and she seems to think that I shouldn't even consider adopting a child and that it'd be selfish to do so, perhaps true but it hurt to hear it.

I am currently seeing an OT to help with these problems.

I'd love to hear opinions from other mothers with or without special needs.

[NotABanana]

As a child who was brought up in care I would say, a child just wants some clothes to keep them warm, they don't care if their hair is brushed or not and they just want someone to love them and care for them.

FWIW My 4 year old dressed herself the other day and everything pretty much clashed.

[queen2shoes]

when I look back at some of the outfits i dressed the dc's in when they were little I shudder.
don't worry about matching clothes. when you buy them you can ask someone in the shop. I often ask teen girls advice on stuff for dd as I haven't a clue. and as for colours matching. I have to check with dh(painter/decorator so he knows)

one think you can give a baby/child is love. doesn't mater igf that is wrinkled.

[amber32002]

Well, I'm on the autistic spectrum and have arthritis. If social services had been asked to comment on possible adoption/fostering, they may well have hyperventilated, but if it's your own child, somehow that doesn't count as a problem (odd, isn't it...)

So I knew that this was going to be a big challenge. I also underwent two pretty big operations when son was small that meant I was struggling to care for him other than the basics for a while, though I did have hubby to hand for some of it. Guess what - son's grown into a fine, fit, healthy young man with a good life and a really sensible outlook. A reasonable number of his acquaintances with "non-disabled" parents are out till 3am at nightclubs getting drunk, taking drugs, being utterly rude to everyone and getting girls pregnant. Clearly parents with or without a disability are not the main factor here.

Who says you have to do everything alone, anyway? If you can figure out how to get help with anything really vital, or you can figure out ways round the problems, then that's all that matters. If they're fed, warm, clothed, schooled, given the right medical care in their lives and loved, you've done it. The rest is just 'window dressing'. If you have the love and determination it takes, go for it.

[bullet123]

I'm Aspergers. I have to admit to not caring one iota what colours go together and my hair styling amounts to being able to put a bunchie in my hair and that's it. I make sure the lads have got clean clothes on at the start of each day and try and make sure my clothes are clean, but when I get distracted with things I'll frequently go out with food stains etc on my clothes.
I miss a lot of what's going on around me as I get distracted by small things in front of me and I don't pick up on what is often blindingly obvious to other people, even when it's literally right in front of me. I'm actually safer when I'm out with my children as I focus on them at least, whereas on my own I'm usually reciting rhymes in my head, or counting numbers, or thinking about a gruesome historical battle scene.
My self help skills ironically improved after I had the children, though they are still not great. DH says that I'm very good at looking after the lads' needs but very poor at monitoring my own. I think it's because the lads are in front of me as a visual reminder to do things for them, whereas of course unless I look in a mirror I'm not in front of myself. And when my body isn't tellign me it's hungry, or I can't see that I need to wash etc and whilst I know logically that I am me, the concept of myself as a person with own thoughts etc is something I keep having to remind myself of, then it's actually a lot harder to take care of myself. I usually need the triggers of looking after the lads to do things for myself, eg if they eat that's the trigger for me to do so.
The fact of the matter is, is that if I had been discussing having children before I got pregnant and had listed all the things I could and couldn't do, I would almost certaintly have come across as someone who couldn't cope at all, based purely on how rubbish my personal care skills were (and still are). But my need for routines, my need to do things "correctly" both helped me enormously.

[ancientmiddleagedmum]

I have two kids, one with autism, and never ever ever pick up an iron. Buy only kids' clothes which say "non iron " or "teflon coated" and then either tumble dry or hang on hanger straight after wash. Same with my own clothes. The only other lazy mum tip I have is - if you put conditioner on their hair once a week after hairwash, it is totally easy to brush and always looks great even if you forget brushing some mornings. Don't even think of blow drying their hair, a quick rub with towel, comb or brush through when wet and that's it. Your friend is being ridiculous and bitchy - kids need warmth, boundaries, food, love and to be kept comfortable and clean - that's it. Colour coding comes in the category - who cares. And anyway, by 5 my DD was choosing all her own clothes and with little boys black jeans and a blue or khaki t shirt always look cool! I am an older mum, I'm 44, and to be honest I think being older has helped me realise that a lot of what the other yummy mummies in the playground obsess about is bXXXXs!

[ancientmiddleagedmum]

I have two kids, one with autism, and never ever ever pick up an iron. Buy only kids' clothes which say "non iron " or "teflon coated" and then either tumble dry or hang on hanger straight after wash. Same with my own clothes. The only other lazy mum tip I have is - if you put conditioner on their hair once a week after hairwash, it is totally easy to brush and always looks great even if you forget brushing some mornings. Don't even think of blow drying their hair, a quick rub with towel, comb or brush through when wet and that's it. Your friend is being ridiculous and bitchy - kids need warmth, boundaries, food, love and to be kept comfortable and clean - that's it. Colour coding comes in the category - who cares. And anyway, by 5 my DD was choosing all her own clothes and with little boys black jeans and a blue or khaki t shirt always look cool! I am an older mum, I'm 44, and to be honest I think being older has helped me realise that a lot of what the other yummy mummies in the playground obsess about is bXXXXs!

[Seuss]

Don't forget part of the parental role is to be an embarresment to your children! I was mortified when someone told I was wearing flares like my dad and I have a friend who's 60 year old father wears denim dungarees! Did it harm us? NO! You'll be fine. I knew bugger-all about having kids before DS1 was born but I think it's all such a learning curve for everyone anyway there's no point stressing the small stuff.

[Seuss]

Plus my husband used the fuse from my hair-dryer a year ago and to be honest I haven't missed it!

[Thomcat]

Falcon,I don't have SN's, my eldest does.

However when they get to a certain age they choose their own clothes and they never match.
My neighbour asked me where DD2 was gong today as she had on a long pink skirt with frills, a green t-shit and a hideous necklace thing that was black fabric, velcoed tight to her neck with a pink rose in it - oh and wellie boots!

I've given up brushing their hair - it;s too stressful. They look like feral children but imo that's how they are supposed to look. I'd worry more about a child that was pristine! I've NEVER blowdried their hair, ever and my eldest is 6.

Have never once ironed anything they own, or me for that matter. Can't remember the last time the iron came out.

Good luck with the adopting thing. Would love to hear your success story

[Seuss]

Thomacat - yeah, feral children - you hit the nail on the head. There is something lovely about a child that looks like they've been having fun! I don't think I carry off the look so well buy hey-ho!

[Thomcat]

My kids looked filthy today and I thought - hmmm great, must have been a good day!

[TotalChaos]

you will probably find it much much easier to do something to someone else than yourself iyswim. the things you describe, whilst of course being inconvenient, are not all that important in the great scheme of things. I think that your friend's comments were rather cruel.

[Seuss]

What is it about wellies? It's like the shoe fettish for the young. One of my best days was when we were on hols and the kids got so wet and mucky we had to split what dry clothes we had. DS3 (age 2 at time) was wearing DS1 (age 7) vest and wellies. We still stopped for ice-cream though. It doesn't seem to matter how many clothes you take - it's never enough.

Falcon, I know you have genuine concerns but we can all only do our best!

[Seuss]

Does your friend have children?

[misscutandstick]

Im puzzled as to why you consider her a friend??? The people I hold dear as friends support me in whatever I do - whether or not they personally agree with it or not.

Good luck, im sure you would make a fantastic mum. All you really need to do is care, the rest just kinda goes with it. XXX

[Seuss]

Do you have any kind of support system? Friends/family? It's good to have people around to point you in the right direction (not from a SN perspective - just anyway!) Take whatever advice you can get - it's not like they are going to give you a child and cast you into the wilderness. There's always folks to talk to - health visitor, teachers etc. Don't feel you have to cope alone if things do get tricky. There's always MUMSNET!

[KarenThirl]

I have ME/Chronic Fatigue and a 9 year old with Asperger's. I got sick as a result of infections straight after he was born, so I've always had the two issues to balance. I used to be so picky about everything being done just so until I got my dx then I learned that I had to pace my activity levels across the day so that I did'nt overdo things. Over the years I've weeded out all unnecessary chores and I only do what is absolutely essential. I don't iron either, everything I buy is easy-care. I wear t-shirts and jeans all the time so I don't have to faff on with 'proper' clothes. I rarely do housework - I keep the kitchen minimal so it just takes a quick wipe to keep it clean and I do dishes as they appear rather than waiting for them to stack up and be too much for me to manage. I make sure I get a rest of some sort in the afternoon so I'm able to be useful to my son when he comes home from school.

With or without SN, parenthood is a minefield and you have to find your own way through it, depending on individual circumstances. Having a good support network around you is a massive help (though I'd avoid including your 'friend' in that), and having faith in yourself. I'm sure you'll be fine, we've all managed in our own way. Good luck!