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SN children

worrying conversation with DS1

15 replies

sphil · 16/05/2008 18:51

DS1 had an argument with a girl in school today about whether he should read something out loud in class. They were working in a group; she wanted DS1 to read it out and he didn't. He told me that he said 'You aren't the boss of me' and felt 'like crying, not out loud but in my brain'.

All OK but then at tea time today he went on to describe how he was going to kill her and her family when he was grown up - in a huge amount of detail. I did the 'reflecting back' thing - "You sound very angry" and also the moral bit " You know it's wrong to kill someone" but he wouldn't budge or even seem to admit that it wasn't anything but a good idea. It's not the first time he's done this, but it's been a long time. He is a very calm, placid child as a rule but occasionally has out of proportion reactions to people who have upset him in some way.

Do typical 7 year olds talk like this? Or is it another tick in the AS box? And more importantly, how should I handle it?

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TotalChaos · 16/05/2008 19:45

I don't know much about NT 7 year olds, but I think that talk of death without understanding the implications (i.e. it's permanence) is quite usual for youngish children.

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sphil · 16/05/2008 19:47

We've talked about death a bit though and he knows that it's permanent (but believes in heaven!). He often gets upset when he thinks about us or his grandparents dying.

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TotalChaos · 16/05/2008 19:51

yes but there's a difference between knowing it intellectually and fully understanding it (thinking back to my pre-10 year old days)

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sphil · 16/05/2008 20:04

In a way I hope that explains it. It just seemed so shocking that he could talk so dispassionately about murdering someone . And that it was so out of proportion to what happened.

He does find strong emotions difficult to handle: hates crying (and rarely does it) but recently he's been extremely tetchy and quick to react about every little thing. Very wearing!

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cory · 16/05/2008 21:04

I would think this out of proportion in a 7-year-old. In a 4 or 5 year-old it might be quite normal- because they don't really get death at all, but at 7 most boys have reached a little more maturity IME. It may just be late development, hard to tell.

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TheodoresMummy · 17/05/2008 21:34

Could you try to talk 'casually' about somebody that has made you really mad ? Something you feel is passionately wrong ?

Then explain how feelings fade or why it would be awful to hurt somebody back for something ?

Can he put himself in someone else's shoes ?

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fannysparkle · 17/05/2008 21:58

I was a nanny for 18yrs and IMO i think that can be quite a normal response for a 7yr old boy who's pretty angry with someone. Boys can be just as dramatic as girls if not more so when it comes to anger. One of my kids i looked after did it quite alot and also said it about himself too. He is now a very well turned out 15yr old who wouldn't hurt a mouse.(still dramatic though HTH

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sphil · 19/05/2008 09:25

Thanks for all your replies. We haven't had any more mentions of it, and he appears much calmer and more settled in general. Could be something to do with the end of SATs!

I've been reading a book which talks about exploring 'difficult' emotions through play - giving children the chance to express them in a safe situation. DS1 is quite scared of strong feelings and I think that may be one reason why he sometimes flies out of proportion. So I'm going to try some play along these lines (in the oodles of spare time I have )

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sphil · 19/05/2008 19:54

Further update. He informed me today that the girl in question is now his 'second best girlfriend' . We talked a bit about how long anger lasts and he said it was 'about a day' where he's concerned

He's like a different boy since the weekend tbh. Could be SATs, could be the fact he's come to the end of a bout of constipation, could be the moon...

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TinySocks · 19/05/2008 21:15

awww, how sweet.
I'm sure it's not the moon but you doing a great job reassuring him Sphil.
Tell me your secret, how to you do it, DS has been such a NIGHTMARE. grrrr,so very difficult, he has had some sort of behaviour regression in the last couple of weeks.

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sphil · 19/05/2008 23:00

Don't forget this is DS1 I'm talking about Tinysocks, not DS2. Although he has some AS and dyspraxic traits I really think he is probably more NT than not, iyswim. So MUCH easier to deal with because communication channels are more straightforward. Mind you, DS2 is much more even tempered (atm!)

In what ways is your DS being difficult? Am I right in remembering he is usually quite placid and passive, like DS2?
Unless of course you're talking about an older NT DS as well, in which case

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TinySocks · 20/05/2008 13:46

oh confusion confusion! Lost track of which DS is which.

No, I am talking of DS1 who has a neurological problem (I also have DS2 who is 15 months and NT). I am having such a hard time at the moment. He has always been very stubborn, 9 months ago I used ABA principles to get him compliant and it worked well.
But I cannot do the same things now, he is just to heavy (skinny but so heavy!!).

I think a lot of what he does is just your normal 3 year old being very difficult. There are other strange behaviours that I would not call normal. But also, some old obsessions have suddenly reappeared. One of them is the vacuum cleaner. He will not eat, won't go to the park, if the vacuum cleaner is around, he will want to go an used it (I keep it hidden away, but the floor has to be cleaned at some point!).

I am not posting anything on the development/behaviour board because the stuff people use with NT kids just don't work, he would have absolutely no concept of start charts, or explaining, or bargaining, etc.
The other day I ventured to the park with both of them ; DS1 run off, while I was changing DS2's nappy, I had not choice but to run after him. How do I explain to him that he could get lost, or a car could hit him. He just doesn't have the language to understand yet. I really thought his behaviour was under control.

Sorry, have I gone on for too long!! I've probably lost you by now.

Can I just say also, he is not sleeping!! How do I explain to him that if he sleeps for a couple more hours he will feel better!! I wish there was an answer to all this.

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sphil · 21/05/2008 18:59

Have you stopped doing ABA with him Tinysocks? If it's any consolation, DS2 used to run off all the time when he was three, insist on carrying a Thomas train around with him everywhere and his sleep was far far worse than it is now. At 5, after 2 years on gf diet (has been cf all his life) and a year of ABA he is MUCH more compliant.

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TinySocks · 21/05/2008 19:26

Thanks Sphil, that is a consolation. Maybe he's still young.
I haven't really stopped ABA, I apply some of it's concepts, but not PURE ABA iykwim. I find some aspects of it a little too rigid.

DH and I have been talking about gf diet, I saw another thread on here mentioning what good results it had not only for behaviour but also for sleeping. I am seriously thinking of giving it a go for a month or so to see if something changes. He loves bread and we do go to friend's houses often so I don't know if I could avoid it 100%.

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sphil · 21/05/2008 23:33

Lakeland do a gf bread mix which you can just whip up with an ordinary mixer and it turns into a fairly normal white loaf! It's been a revelation after all the cardboard varieties DS2 has chewed his way through and has made the whole gf thing a lot easier. I do have to carry DS2's food around with me ALL the time, which is a pain, but worth it for getting a good night's sleep!