Family Dynamics

[floaty]

Just a bit of background ds2 has dyscalculia,dyspraxia,dysgraphia and although not diagnosed i think has some definate ASD traits.Until Sept he was in a mianstream non selective indeoendent which he loved and so did we however it had become obvious that he was going to need more support than thye could offer him and in September he moved to a specialist Prep school which has been a fantastic move academicaly and socially and he is comming to terms with weekly boarding which has been difficult for all of us.

My main question is how to you deal with the dynamics of having firstly one child who is having a completely different educational experience from the others (we have 3) and also just the differnt experience of their siblings in having a brother who they love dearly but who isn't quite the same as other people's brothers .

On recent example id that ds1 (14) has just moved school he hasn't really had anyone round from new school and I know this is partly because he doesn't want to have to deal with the ds2 isssue,it's not that he is ashamed of ds2 and i know he would defend ds2 to the end but he just doesn't want to have to go there if you see what i mean.

aslo i know that he has been in effect an only child in some ways because although the age gap is only 3 years in reality its more like 5 or 6 . ds3 who is 6 sees ds2(10) as a comtemporay

I suppose what i am saying is that sometimes when looking other families ,their experience is just not the same in so many little subtle ways.

Anyway this is a bit garbled but I wondered how other families deal with these types of issues

[needmorecoffee]

we try not to make a big deal of it. DD is in a wheelchair and my lads (14 and 12) don't see her as diffferent to anyone else.
And each of them is in a different educational setting. ds1 goes to a posh school paid for by in-laws. ds2 is home educated (as was ds1 till last year) and dd2 has a split placement between a SN school and mainstream school, both state (in-laws wont pay cos they don't like her)
We just get on with it. I think focussing on it and having 'counselling' makes it into a big deal when most children don't see it that way, only adults do the fretting.
To be honest I'm not really sure of your question but didn't want to leave it unaswered.

[yurt1]

ds2 and ds3 (both in small independent school) like ds1's school (community special schools). ds2 and ds3's school are very welcoming of ds1 when he goes steaming in there. Not sure what it will be like when ds2 and ds3 are in secondary school but for the moment we find that each school is very aware of the entire family iyswim.

[floaty]

One of our problems I think is that ds2 is adament that he has no problems ,he doesn't need to go to a different school and he can do everything that the others can even though of course often he plainly can't.It is a complement to his previous school that he is so unaware and I know that it is partly denial but it makes it difficult to explain why he can't go to the same school as the others .I am struugling to help him come to terms with his difficulties without affecting his confidence especially in a house of 3 boys.

One problem I am wrestling with at the moment is holiday care the others want to do a sports camp at school but I know that this would be a nightmare for DS2,do i let them do it and find other care for ds2 or do I say all of them can't do it (I work 3 days a week).I think the answer is ds1 can do it but separate care for the others otherwise the money just doean't add up but most of friends just say oh book them all in it will be fine but in my heart i know that ds2 would struggle ( and probably refuse to go after the first day ) and that ds1 would spend all his time worrying about ds2 and what he might or might not be doing.

Ds1 also worries a lot about what will happen to ds2 ,I keep telling him ds2 will be fine(in fact i have every confidence in that because he is a worker and an optimist)but ds1 (by nature a worrier )worries all the time about it ,he also worries about what his friends think of ds2(although he wouldn't admit this)especially as ds2 tends to be very tactile and at 14 most visiting boys don't want to be hugged!We are working on this but it is difficult.

The bigest problem we have at the moment though and the one causing me the most headaches is that ds3 is by nature very competitive and probably the strongest academically (not a boast just a statement of fact)he adores lego and anything mathematical ,ds2 has always been his hero and he adores him which has been fantastic for ds2 but now ds3 is able to do things that his older brother can't and he gets quite frustrated when ds2 tries to play with the lego or help build a model and he either breaks it or can't keep up ,ds3 can't understand why ds2 who is 5 years older than him isn't better than him at these things,he tends to think that he is doing it deliberately and this has caused some major problems in their relationship this holidays which saddens me as they have always been such good friends and playfellows .How do I help ds3 understand ds2s difficulties without destroying his admiration of his older brother?

sorry this is so rambling but but giving examples is the only way i can think to explain it .i feel really distresed about this at the moment so any help would be good !

[Peachy]

Our experience is a little difference- the one who is the odd' experience is ds2, who is NT (other 2 on spectrum, albeit very different to each other). It's very strange indeed, when ds2 wants to write things, or sits with a book- and i think I fail him to an extent because those sorts fo things don't always occur to me, you know? All the stuff I tried and failed to do with ds1 when he was little- those workbooks, action songs, etc- they're so not part of my repertoire (comapred to say, extreme routine management and complex nutrition LOL)- and they should be. It's something I must give consideration to actually.

[needmorecoffee]

Floaty, I also have a child with Aspergers and one with dyspraxia and as they grow things do change. You shouldn't leave ds2 out of stuff even if he struggles. With his dx there's no reason why he shouldn't lead a normal life with job/wife/kids etc.
Get your 3 boys to do stuff together to strengthen their bonds and no don't go on about any differences, just say everyone can do different things.
Don't want to sound patronising but are you stressed about anything else and its making you obsessively focus on this 'dynamic'? Are you dealing with this alone or do you have help?

[floaty]

I don't obsessively focus on it honestly and actually they do lots together but it is starting to be an issue,it has sort of crept up on me maybe our family just is differnt but it is certainly an issue at the moment,they do have a good bond but like all brothers they all are all differnt and so there is conflict its just that at the moment there seems to be more conflict than in the past and yes it is wearing to have to deal with all the time.
There is no point putting ds2 in positions which he hates just to make the others feel better ,of course if he wants to have a go I will let him but generally he wouldn't choose anything competitive for example because its just not his thing,also we cannot send him to the same school,we have done that for 6 years but now he is in a specialist school and by defination that mmeans that his experience is slightly different and I need some help to explain to him why he has to have that different experience and to his brothers why he needs it without making ds3 think there is something wrong or lessor about ds2 or ds2 thinking that he is in some way less successful or able.

Differences can only be ignored for so long you have sometimes to scknowledge and deal with the differnces and how they affect the dynamics of our family it is just that I am struggling with this .

By the way i fully expect Ds2 to have a career ,a job and a family ,actually I think he may well be more successful than my so called NT children so it is not that my expectations of him as less but they are different and he will get there by a different route and there is no point in my mind pretending otherwise,at least not now he is secondary school age

[needmorecoffee]

why would your ds3 think such a thing? Is he being teased at school? None of my kids worry about the differences with either ds1 (aspergers) or dd2 (severe CP). They do squabble and bitch sometimes and we've had bitching about never going on holiday cos ds1 hates leaving the house. So I take ds2 camping myself.
To my kids Aspergers or CP is no different from having ginger hair or weird toes.
I think I'm not reall understanding your concern here. I'd like to help if I can as my kids are probably older than yours so we've been through most things but I'm not understanding what you mean by 'dynamic' to be honest.
Most siblings fight and tease. Some families have a member sick and always in hospital, some don't. Some have SN and some don't. Personally I don't think it really changes how they relate to each other. Yeah, you might get a gripe about 'oh we never get to X cos of ' but the answer to that, after you've explained why, is 'tough, thats life'.
I'm not sure why having a diffenet educational experience would create conflict. All 4 of my kids are in totally different places. Gives them something to talk about
My boys understand that life with dd2 is hugely different from most families. For starters, she only has a 50% chance of getting to 10. we've even discussed what will happen should she pass away one night. Then there's the middle of the night ambulance rides when she has a seizure plus waiting as 10 buses go past for the accessible one. But kids take things in their stride. Even the endless respite carers and therapists.
Kids are pretty accepting really and that sort of life becomes 'normal' for them.

[floaty]

The reason ds3 thinks this is because he can't understand why even though ds2 is 5 years older than him but can't do some of the things that he and his contemporarys can do.I cannot seem to shift him from the veiw that ds2 is doing it deliberately cue ds3 getting frustrated because ds2 is breaking his models (for example) and ds2 upset because he can't understand why he finds things difficult himself.

Perhaps we are just different from other families I can't believe that every body elses families are so harmonious surely there must be other people who have struggled to help their children feel comfortable with these things .DS2 and 3 have always been so close and in just under a term really ds3 has passed ds2 in so many skill sets and they are finding this difficult to cope with and understand why and how this is.

Are we really so unusual.Also maybe it would be better if they were all in different places but 2 are in the same place and one is somewhere different and he wants to be in the same place and is very sad that he can't be with them,they are also sad about this.

[needmorecoffee]

Has your ds3 met any other children with difficulties or disabilities? Might help him understand.
We're far from harmonious! Did I tell you my 15 yo dd1 ran away from home because she couldn't bear dd2 and couldn't cope with me being tired and frazzled plus being typical sefish teenager? Its beena year and she is still gone.
ds1 and ds2 fight like cats and dogs. I've often wished for a Walton's type family.
Have you thought of main-streaming ds2 with his brothers and insisting on full support in his statement? I've got dd2 (severeCP) at a mainstream school and they supply one to one at all times (although her brothers don't care what school she's at)
I don't know how old your kids are but there are books out there aimed at children to help them understand a sibling's disability and books to help a disabled child see that there's nothing wrong with being different or not being able to do things. That might help.
It might also help to teach thm that everybody is different in so many ways and being good at something academic doesn't make you a better person anymore than being unable to speak/write/bounce a ball on your head makes you an inferior person.
My ds's see their sister as the same as everyone else but in a wheelchair and soon put anyone right if they think differently.
ds2 sometimes gets fustrated that he can't ride a bike (he has dyspraxia) but he can beat his brother on the Wii.

[heartinthecountry]

floaty - have you tried SIBS? They may have some pointers. Sorry don't have a link but you could google them.

I don't think it is unreasonable that your ds1 should be 'aware' of his brother's difference and maybe find dealing with that a little difficult, especially around his peers. Really very common I should think. And you obviously want to make sure you say the right things to all your DS's to help them understand.

I'm sorry I can't help directly. My dd2 is still too young to notice that her sister is 'different' but I do expect her to notice it one day, and to have to talk with her about it. So just really wanted to say I understand your post and I am sure you are not alone.