ADHD Diagnosis - any advice/tips/help?

[maudz]

Last week we had a diagnosis confirmed (we'd suspected it beforehand!) for dss (12) - he's ADHD and is now on Concerta XL to begin whilst we (the professional bunch) get dosages etc sorted. Have got a questionnaire thing to fill in, and one to pass to the school - one of these types of things that lists various behaviours etc and then asks you to score them along the lines of never occurs to always occurs. His behaviour recently has been a total nightmare - we have an older dss (15 - and a separate story altogether) and two ds - 18mths and 4mths. I know we are now at the beginning of a probably long trek through various appointments and so on whilst this is all worked on and out, and I and my husband have suspicions that there are other issues contributing to the poor behaviour - but i guess that it will all come out in the wash eventually.

Given there are 2 smaller people in the family to look after, it can at times seem rather tiring - particularly as I sometimes feel that dss is more work to look after than the small ones!

Any ideas, tips, suggestions???? Also posted a bit of a moan on the stepparenting board - bit more background info there to the family set up!

Thanks

[maudz]

So far we've not seen any issues with his sleep - although he has only been on it for a few days, i don't know if it has some sort of cumulative effect or not.

He had another outburst yesterday afternoon after coming home from school - he wanted to go to some party that had not been mentioned previously, and when he was told no, with reasons, he went off on one and threw a tantrum that makes my 18mth old look like a saint (not that he's really into big tantrums yet!). No matter how many times you repeat the reasons etc he just doesn't seem to take it on board at all because it means he's not getting his own way - he's virtually impossible to reason with, and whenever he's done something that requires a consequence/sanction, there is nothing we can do - nothing we try has any impact or effect as he just doesn't seem to care at all.

He was determined he was going to leave the house yesterday but as we'd locked the door and hidden the keys he wasn't able to - although he did say he would climb out the window, but didn't, which i guess is positive in some ways (though at the time in some ways I wish he had - at least that would have brought the argument to a close for the time being - which is a terrible thing to say, but the little boys don't need to see this happening all the time). I guess I'm just looking for suggestions on ways to manage his behaviour, and ways to get my husband to help with it - I sometimes feel that because he's working so much (which I know he has to, and accept that) I get left to deal with it all, and he's very straight down the line regarding dealing with behaviour - we both had relatively 'strict' upbringings and I suppose that is reflected in our own views, but I am pretty open to trying different things if it means a more peaceful house, as I'm sure he is, but I think he just needs a little more of a push if you know what I mean!

I'm feeling rather emotionally drained at the moment (lack of sleep not helping but i know that will improve in time!) and physically tired, but i know that I can't let things drift anymore as it's not helping anyone. Would be most grateful for any suggestions you have please! Thanks x

[maudz]

Thanks mif - it is a tough one to call. We don't think that we have particularly unfair or tough rules, and when he wants to be dss can be a really nice kid, which makes it all the more frustrating when he's not being nice. DH told him this morning before he went off to school that if his room is tidy he can go out when he gets home - so today it's tidy (he has to share with his 15 yr old brother - serious lack of space in our house) - but he's asked to keep it tidy every day and most of the time doesn't bother - it's even been made part of the 'simple things we ask you to do to earn your pocket money' and that has no sway at all. Even pointing out that his 18mth old brother can open doors etc and is likely to pick up whatever gets left around in his room and potentially choke on it etc makes no difference.

dh not earning enough for au pair type bod - we just about cope on his income, tax credits and child benefit, and although we looked at me returning to work it isn't currently viable, chilcare etc making it more expensive than me staying home. i'm happy to be at home though so that's not a problem. have got to take ds2 to clinic on fri for immunisation so will ask doc/hv for details of any support groups etc locally, although it is pretty rural here so there may not be much about.

do have some help from relativesat times with the small ones - just getting 4mth old used to a bottle so will be able to express etc and get a little more me time. have got to catch up on paperwork etc for hubby business too at some stage before accountant and tax credit office start moaning but that's for another day. both me and dh are involved in scouts too - at times i contemplate giving it up, but then it's an something that gets me out and gives me an area to channel into that's not home. dss was recently asked to leave scouts as his behaviour was not acceptable (this was after them tolerating him for a very long time) Will look into sport thing - he enjoys rugby at school and occassionally mutters something about joining a local youth team. my dad thinks he'd be very good at amateur dramatics stuff - he does have a real flair for acting up and all that - he's also very manipulative, cunning, vindictive and at times a thoroughly horrible boy - destructive etc etc - but i am trying so hard to find the positives and develop those - i will ask hv etc for some guidance on doing so. I just don't want the two smallest boys thinking that the way he behaves is normal and copying it. His older brother is also something of a nightmare - but that's probably best left for another time.

AAARRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!! Kids!!

I love them all to bits though

[maudz]

We seem to have 2 hv - one who came out to do the first few weeks visits when 4 mth old was born and then the one who is in surgery who i don't find quite as supportive (think it's more a personality thing) - but if i don't get very far with her on friday will phone the other one instead - she did letters to housing association etc and speeded up the referral to child health to get dss re-assessed.

I think i need to find some way of getting a little time out with my dh, with as few of the kids around as possible to try and focus him too on how we deal with this and what we need to adapt in our day to day situation to try and ease the pressure a bit. My mum is pretty good - she's been looking out for info in the papers etc and having been a step mum to my dad's first 5 kids, the youngest boy of whom was probably adhd (wasn't called that then!) too so she's familiar with the behavioural issues etc which helps - at least I can have a good moan and she knows what it's like!

I think at some point we may need to have further assesments done too - my dh has brought up his 3 boys on his own pretty much since the youngest (dss 12 adhd chap) was just turned 1 - social services removed them from their mother due to her neglect from what i can gather - dss has a fairly extensive mark on his leg that i thought was a birthmark, but it is in fact a scar from a burn inflicted when his mother sat him in front of a fire or something. I don't know what memories he has if any of how his mother treated him, but what is buried subconciously is probaby a different story. Working on the theory of trying to get the adhd under control a bit and seeing what the remaining behaviours are before looking to dig up anything that may only make things worse.

All fun and games - will def have chat with hv and or gp at any rate - they're the bods who should know who i can talk to.

thanks for your advice - it does help to get another input!

[maudz]

can we claim dla for adhd? i didn't think it was something that would come under that bracket, but if it does i guess anything that can help is worth looking into - at least then we could channel some pennies into providing some sort of outlet for his frustrations.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

If you haven't already contacted them ADDISS may be helpful to you as a family unit as well:-

www.addiss.co.uk

There is also an article on ADHD in the Daily Telegraph today in their health section.

[magso]

I have no direct experience with older ADHD kids (my Ds is 7 and on concerta also) but can sympathise!!! Like MuminFife, I have found it helpful (and diffusing!) to understand how an ADHD childs brain functions, and it helps me support Ds. Addis gave me the number of the local support group, and this was both helpful and frightening as I felt daunted by potential future problems! The local support line was really helpful, maybe ther is one near you? I have found some books helpful, Russell A Barkley 'Take charge of ADHD', or for a lighter read Christopher Green 'understanding ADHD', though with 2 little Ds I doubt if you have time for reading! It sounds like you are already doing all the best things,(staying calm, aiming to be possitive,clear limits rigerously enforced, giving notice of potential rewards or consiquences). I have found it helpful to avoid reasoning, (simple explanation only) but my Ds is younger! Sorry I cant help more! Hopefully others can.

[maudz]

I've had a brief wander round the addiss website - will give them a call tomorrow and see what they know of locally, and i'll ask the hv about dla too. Magso - your comment on avoiding reasoning is useful - although he's 12 he does at times seem remarkably immature and incapable of reasoning - so as you say keeping it simple may well help. Will post again later, 4mth ds is yelling for dinner!