ADHD 11 year old and the 'wrong' crowd

[chocolaterose20]

Hi, hope this is the right place. Apologies long post - stressed rant!

Anyway, DS had a bad time for much of primary school due to his ADHD. He stuggled to make friends, at one stage was bullied, had v low self-esteem, got into lots of low level trouble (but, as school always said, hated to be in trouble and was always upset about it). However, meds have turned his life around. He's happy, his sense of humour is back, content, calm, started to make some good friends, apparently NO behavioural issues at school and really happy there, it's almost stopped his many tics - amazing.

However, due to low self-esteem etc, he's always really keen to have friends and 'fit in' with the popular crowd (even more than usual). We've tried so many things, clubs, sports, play dates when younger etc etc. Now he's not in any clubs/sports (says they're not cool ) and just wants to hang out in town with a certain crowd. He knows it's not going to happen. I know the children, in lots of ways nice kids, but all of them 11yo and have issues, e.g. routinely swearing/shouting at their parents, showing porn on their own phone to other kids all the time (not in secret, their own parents already know - omg) etc.

So now it's a stalemate. I'm in the process of putting foot down, forcing club/activity participation if he won't choose/try something. But it will be a battle, I'm exhausted and he's not even started secondary school/a teenager yet . Tried to encourage other friendships and he's friendly with other kids whose parents seem fine, but it's always a case of us taking their kids for the day but it's not done in return, if you know what I mean.

Any advice, or even commiseration, would be great. Thanks

[alderstone]

My son has just turned 10. A similar history, struggled in during the early years at primary school. Diagnosis and medication has been a revelation, but I also worry about self esteem and the desire to fit in. At the beginning of the summer holidays he went out with a few 'friends' from school and to fit in was running back and forward across a busy road. I don't have any answers unfortunately, but wanted to let you know that you weren't alone.

[VioletBam]

OP this resonates with me because I am on the spectrum and had the same issues. I wanted so badly to fit in...but I also wanted and loved the drama of the bad crowd.

I found their rules easier to mimic than the complex rules of other groups of children.

I stayed with the bad kids till age 13 and then was made to join my local youth theatre.

Best thing ever.

I finally fitted in with the kids at youth theatre because they were much more open, some were like me in that they lacked some social skills but were dramatic and open...it really saved me.

I think I'd make him join a drama club. If the first one doesn't work out....try another. But give it a term at least.

[chocolaterose20]

Thank you alderstone and VioletBam. It's such a relief to know that I'm not alone, sometimes it's the isolation that makes it hard. I think I'll stick with my club plan thing and I think a term is a good idea/deal to strike! Alderstone - first time my son went out alone with a group of friends this year they dared him to climb on the social club roof - and he DID, and that was ON meds. I don't know whether to laugh or cry sometimes.

[VioletBam]

Chocolate yep! I was a shocker for climbing up on things...didn't need a dare either. I once walked the entire length of a big bridge on the HANDRAIL! I could have drowned had I fallen...it was a big river.

I also broke into a bus yard and climbed onto the roofs of the double deckers and jumped from bus to bus.

Thrill seeking. Get him nto something with a bit of adrenaline....drama is perfect.