Here some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on SN.

Please tell me how many DC you have

(26 Posts)
Hhmyeahsuremaybe Tue 02-Aug-16 09:16:33

Hello I have two DC's, the eldest 3.5 has autism. I love him with all my heart but it's been VERY hard, as I'm sure a lot of you can understand.

I never worried about my second having this while pregnant as we weren't aware of this due to the small age gap; we believed he was just a bit behind nothing particular.

Now I'm pregnant with a third and I'm so worried this one will also have it (these thoughts never crossed my mind before I got the positive).

I struggle now with my son that I just don't think I'll cope with two screaming at me all day and night, headbutting me, the list goes on. Obviously the highs are so amazing when we have good days but bad days are bad for everyone and I often feel I can't cope with him and I'm not good enough for him.

So I suppose what I'm asking, is please tell me in as much or as little detail as you like how many children you have and how many have a dx of any kind and how you cope?

I hope I haven't offended anyone by this post or wording things wrong please say if so I can rephrase in future conversations

OneInEight Tue 02-Aug-16 10:13:06

I have two both with AS but (a) As they were born only 2 mins apart and (b) Didn't get their diagnosis till 9 or 10 worries during pregnancy were not an issue. At the end of the day you will cope whatever happens because you have to. Sometimes having two with SN's makes it worse when they have conflicting needs and rub each other up the wrong way. Sometimes it is easier - e.g. neither of mine like busy places and prefer the same sort of activities so we don't have conflicts there. It is what it is and you keep yourself sane by celebrating the good times of which there are many and try not to dwell on the things that they can't do rather than what they can.

grumpybones Tue 02-Aug-16 15:47:19

I have one DS who has autism. I don't think I would have wanted any more, DS has always been more than a handful and has also had huge amounts of intervention with appointments etc and he would have missed out on therapies and opportunities if I had another dc to worry about and pay for as well. He is a solitary sort and prefers his own company so he doesn't miss out on having siblings.

Other friends have several dc with asd which isn't surprising as there's a strong genetic link, and it does often lead to conflict when there are differing needs, and more limited resources. I am quite relieved I don't have to deal with any of that.

Shesinfashion Tue 02-Aug-16 18:27:03

I have two DD's. The eldest is NT and the youngest has ASD. There is only 19 months between them. I

MrsBobDylan Tue 02-Aug-16 19:45:58

I have 3ds and it is ds2 who has ASD. I thought alot about how we'd cope if dc3 had ASD and decided that we would manage. Ds3 is NT and we are now considering dc4 but I worry I'm a bit old!

ImReallyPleased Tue 02-Aug-16 21:38:47

I have two children DS6 and DD4 my son struggles a lot but he hasn't been diagnosed with anything as of yet.

Msqueen33 Tue 02-Aug-16 21:47:59

I have three. The eldest is 7 and has an autoimmune disease but is nt. Middle is 6 and has asd, ADHD and sensory processing and youngest is three with an autoimmune disease, speech disorder, asd and sensory processing. It's a lot of hard work. Sadly had I known what things would have been like with number two and known about autism I wouldn't have had number three. Whilst pregnant with number two I had a kidney op and she was born with a knot in her cord and at the time we thought maybe that's what had caused her issues. We always said we'd have four as three is a tricky number we've found but now having a non verbal three year old I've said no chance and dh had the snip.

imip Fri 05-Aug-16 07:31:11

I have 4 dds dd1 hyper mobility (initially diagnosed with JIA -took well over a year for the correct diagnosis), she is 9. Dd2 is 8, ASD very anxious and we see cahms fortnightly with her ATM). Dd3 is 6 and dd4 is 4. Knowing all I know about girls with autism, I strongly suspect dd4 has ASD but in a much more subtle way.

Dd2 was 3 during my last pregnancy and just when she started to become really challenging. It wasn't til she was 4 that I started to suspect ASD and she was diagnosed at 7. So, there was no time to wonder about a child with ASD before falling pregnant. I was sterilised with dd4, so no chance of pregnancy again (um, and I'm 45!).

I lost my first dd at 25 weeks, she was born prematurely. I do after think about whether she would have had ASD, would prematurity have impacted in this?

Hhmyeahsuremaybe Sun 07-Aug-16 20:00:40

Thank you all for replying, such a range of families! My ds has a speech disorder too, is delayed communication wise to the same stage as his dsis, who is helping him amazingly.
I think some soul searching is in order.

So I did some research and it's a 1 in five chance chance of it reoccurring. That's really high. I think I need to do some soul searching.

PandasRock Sun 07-Aug-16 20:08:41

I have 3 dc, all with ASD.

Dd1 has severe ASD and learning difficulties.

Dd2 (2 years younger) has AS. I really struggled when dd1 was a toddler and dd2 a baby, it was so hard.

I also has ds, who is 5 years younger than dd2 (so 8 years younger than dd1, because of how their birthdays fall). He has HFA.

We are just going through another difficult patch - Ds' needs are becoming ever more apparent, and we will see where he ends up once he starts school in September.

Mine are 12, 9 and 4, and overall it is far easier than when the I just had the two girls when they were young. Both due to he progress each of them has made, and also because H and I have got more used to the swing of things, and we have a decent routine going as a family.

It's not without its flash points, but it is ok. The preschool years were the worst - so many questions, and not much help.

FlemCandango Sun 07-Aug-16 20:14:51

Hi we have 3 dc age 12, 10 and 7 the older 2 have been diagnosed with HFA, ds (12) calso has issues with anxiety, tics, sensory processing and dd1 (10) also has some level of dyspraxia.

I don't think dd2 is autistic, there are other family members on 'the spectrum' I don't regret any of my children though I do worry about them while also being exceptionally proud of them.

Msqueen33 Sun 07-Aug-16 20:40:35

I've found the toddler years absolute hell. My middle dd who is six now is a lot easier. She's not without her difficulties but her at six compared to her now is worlds away. Youngest who is three has asd and is really hard work. No speech, coeliac disease which is in some ways worse than the autism. I feel like I'm in a nightmare a lot of days. In my darker moments I wish I'd stuck at two. I didn't have much of a clue about autism or how challenging my middle dd would be and how high the risk is of having another. We always said we'd have either two or two. With number three being as she is dh had the snip as personally I can't run the risk again. It's both a mental and physical struggle for all of us.

ALemonyPea Sun 07-Aug-16 20:53:07

I have three, the middle one has autism, was diagnosed when he was 2.5. A few days after he was dxed, DH and I went out for a meal and decided not to have any more children. I actually conceived that night, going off my dates, bloody Sod's law.

I agree with PP that the toddler years are hard. DS2 was at his worst the first 2/3 years of DS3's life and it was a struggle, especially since DS2 didn't acknowledge him and we had a few instances where DS2 stood on DS3 when he was on the floor, but once we knew what to do, and how to DS2 proof the baby, it was easier.

DS2 also had a thing about people smaller than him and would often wheel DS3 in his walker into a different room and shut the door, or when he was toddling, would lead him into a cupboard and shut the door. Luckily DS3 wasn't bothered and would sit there happily until someone rescued him.

pannetone Sun 07-Aug-16 22:27:23

Lemony - that did make me grin with your DS3 sitting happily in a cupboard awaiting release!

I have 4 DC - the three youngest have autism. As DS2 wasn't diagnosed til he was 14, I already had DS3 and DD by then. DS3 was diagnosed at 10 and DD at 8. By the time DD was being assessed I realised I didn't really know what NT development was and I was pretty used to 'neurodiverse' parenting!

All three of mine on the spectrum are verbal (mostly - all have some degree of social anxiety and DD has selective mutism.) They are all academically able but schooling hasn't been straightforward because of their additional needs, particulary anxiety and sensory issues.

PigPigTrotters Sun 07-Aug-16 22:39:31

I have 4. Ds1 has a non-clinical diagnosis of ASD, but he ticks all the boxes for PDA. Ds2 has a dx of ASD/PDA and sensory processing disorder. Both need to be in control a lot, which is difficult to manage.
Dd I think is nt, but can get very anxious.
Ds3 is a puzzle. He's seen a paed who says he is borderline for ASD, he also has sensory issues, but he's relatively easy, as long as we don't inflict too much change on him! We feel like we're waiting for school to get too much for him (ds1 was 8, ds2 was 6) he's 5 and going into yr 1.

elliejjtiny Mon 08-Aug-16 15:48:32

I have 5 boys.

DS1 is 10, he has AS
DS2 is 8, he has severe hypermobility syndrome.
DS3 is 5, he has mild hypermobility syndrome, asthma and glue ear
DS4 is 3, he has cleft lip/palate, hydrocephalus, GDD
DS5 is 2, he is being assessed for autism.

We were always going to have 2 or 3 children. When DS2 was about 18 months and DS1 was 3 we thought long and hard about whether a 3rd DC was sensible. DS1 wasn't showing signs of disability then and we were worried about him ending up responsible for DS2 on his own when they were adults. And also we wanted another child.

DS3 was born when DS1 was 4 and DS2 was 2.5. When DS3 was nearly 2 I got pregnant on the pill. We talked about various different contraceptives and the GP said conceiving on the pill again would be unlikely. I was reluctant to use anything else hormonal because I had horrendous periods and didn't want to make them worse. DS4 was prem and was born with a lot of health issues. DH went on the waiting list for a vasectomy. When DS4 was 4 months old I found out I was pregnant again. DH had his vasectomy when I was pregnant and DS5 was born just after DS4's first birthday.

It's very hard a lot of the time. Juggling a post surgical 1 year old and a newborn (twice) were the hardest bits. I'm glad we had the younger 2 though. I think I would have babied DS4 a lot more if he'd been the youngest.

MaterofDragons Mon 08-Aug-16 16:05:15

I have DTs 3.5 both with severe autism. DT1 is not responding to aba therapy and I think he's just gone into another regression. I suspect he will be on the profound end of the spectrum.
I occasionally dream of a newborn but put that down to my chronic sleep deprivation smile I know I couldn't physically or mentally cope with another child.

Saracen Tue 09-Aug-16 01:31:15

I have two children. The younger one has a metabolic disease. Any sibling has a 25% chance of inheriting it too.

Her presentation was atypical and it's a rare disease anyway so when she was young, it was hard to predict how much it would affect her. I wanted to wait and see about that, and also have a big age gap between her and any younger sibling so she'd get more attention.

She's doing better than expected, so with hindsight we didn't need to wait so long. As it turned out, we left it too long and now I'm definitely too old to conceive again. But I'm not too bothered about that. It was the right decision for us.

eskimomama Tue 09-Aug-16 09:42:58

I only have one DD who has non verbal autism (almost 7). We always thought we'd have another DC when DD would "stabilise", which never happened and might never happen. At the moment I'm thinking of planning DC2 anyway at least in my thoughts (DH is against it so far). From all your testimonials it seems there is a much higher risk/correlation than I thought about siblings having ASD or other SNs... sad
In some ways I'm thinking if DC2 had autism, I wouldn't repeat the same mistakes as we did with DD (wrong speech therapy, food/sleep issues etc.) and he/she would be better off. But not sure I can ever deal again with years of no sleep. Trying to think of the positive side of being a family of 4, possibly having a son would make DH more sensitive, I don't know. Anyway, nothing planned.

Msqueen33 Tue 09-Aug-16 10:28:07

My friend decided against any more after her dd was diagnosed with autism and now I can see why. I was pregnant with my third when my middle child was young and we didn't really even know much about autism. I'd try not to worry. Your pregnant now and what will be will be. A lot of people go on to have nt children after one child with autism.

honknghaddock Tue 09-Aug-16 12:24:36

I have one with profound autism. We would need ivf to have another and having had failed treatments, mc and stillbirth prior to his birth, we decided to have no more treatment. If we had been able to conceive naturally I think we would probably had another child.

Lookdownthesofa Tue 09-Aug-16 17:33:03

Just the one diagnosed with ASD. Before she was born/before we were aware of her ASD, I would have loved another child.

But now (and also because of other issues going on which meant we weren't in a position to ttc for 18 months or so) I think it'll be just the one.

The 1 in 5 chance really worries me. I know it shouldn't, but although life can be bloody difficult at times, it can also be quite nice. I just don't think we could cope with the change in dynamic another child (whether NT/with a disability) would bring.

EwanWhosearmy Tue 09-Aug-16 19:30:29

We have 5.
DC1 is NT
DC2 has aspergers and dyspraxia
DC3 has ADHD, dyspraxia and dyslexia
DC4 is NT
DC5 has ADHD, dyspraxia and dyslexia.

The first 4 are quite close together, so we didn't know about DC2's problems until we'd had DC3 and DC4.

DC1 is NT but had tremendous tantrums, while DC2 was a very easy baby, toddler and child (except for spending so much time at A&E). DC3 was very challenging from about 3 onwards, while DC4 was a very easy child but a nightmare teen.

Although there is a lot of overlap in their conditions they all present completely differently. The 2 that are dyslexic; one is a voracious reader but the words move on the page. The other struggles to read and won't write, but doesn't get moving words. DC3 was violent; DC5 isn't.

Msqueen33 Tue 09-Aug-16 19:49:12

Ewan that sounds like a busy household. We always said two or four kids but we didn't realise until we were pregnant with dc3 the extent of dc2's condition so I said no more.

Hhmyeahsuremaybe Tue 09-Aug-16 22:31:09

I'm mid twenties and going to sound completely and utterly selfish but it terrifies me that I may have two high needs children. I am full of respect for everyone who has replied.

I feel I didn't do my boy justice as in my original post I was panicking. He is a gorgeous, cuddly happy little thing (90%of the time) who loves his trains and going to the splash park. I just wish we could have a full conversation.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now