Here some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on SN.

ds (13) is a total pita

(21 Posts)
noeuf Thu 05-May-16 21:24:07

Argh!

I have totally lost sight of normal. You would think, as he attends m/s that I had nothing to worry about but OMG he is causing so many issues.

Today - insulting me, saying i need drugs, I'm thick, I need to calm down, his dad has been renamed 'boobies', going in to the bedroom of the little ones, putting snot on their pillow, turning the lights off, I am so sick of this - is it just normal hormonal teenage stuff?

PolterGoose Thu 05-May-16 21:29:08

Urgh

Don't know, mine assures me he won't turn into a 'typical teenager'...

I think what you describe sounds a tad worrying, is he 'just' autistic or does he have ADHD too? Sounds like some impulse control/boundary stuff going on.

noeuf Thu 05-May-16 21:34:08

Oh polter you keep me sane on here smile

No adhd 'just' asd and ocd.

I'm just tired of being insulted and his rudeness and his refusal to comply.

I think he is so jealous of ds3. Ds3 has a medical condition not a neuro condition and is very successful in one thing.

He swings between loving and hideous. Then he gets silly and starts making stupid accusations and just being appalling really.

PolterGoose Thu 05-May-16 21:41:37

See, my ds has been rude and insulting for as long as I can remember, but I accept he uses it as an expression when he's anxious and I go with what he means not what he says IYSWIM?

That doesn't mean I don't challenge it, but usually not at the time as it would be pointless. And I use humour to challenge, not telling off:

"Yeah yeah, I'm such an idiot I can't remember how to do that very important thing you wanted me to do..." <leaves room>

I look like a crap parent to anyone watching, I'm sure, but his progress suggests not.

PolterGoose Thu 05-May-16 21:42:41

The 'silly' is a sign of anxiety. It's just finding what it's all about that's hard.

noeuf Thu 05-May-16 21:46:29

Yes I think you are right but it just comes out of nowhere. I suspect it's stress but it's soooo rude.

PolterGoose Thu 05-May-16 21:48:51

Keep a diary. See if there's a pattern.

noeuf Thu 05-May-16 21:59:24

Oh that's a good idea.

It's usually a few days later I can twig what was happening.

Youarenotkiddingme Fri 06-May-16 06:47:00

My has 'silly' periods. I've always connected it to the 2/3 age thing. So when he behaves like that I always think 'what we're friends DCs doing at 7/8yo?" And usually the answer is - just what DS is doing now!

I'm pretty sure with my DS its not hormone related but definitely is anxiety related and a related inability to control it and express himself better.

I try and use natural consequences with DS. So with pillows it o be a case of "oh dear, now they need washing" and get him to strip them and then have iPad time or something else he wants. But I think it works for me because DS is quite compliant in many way - unfortunately consequences don't stop him repeating the behaviour.

noeuf Fri 06-May-16 07:04:41

Ds just refuses to comply. If I suggested he stripped the boys' pillows he would refuse and turn it into me being too lazy to do my job.

Currently he expects me to help with homework which he refuses to do until about ten pm. So he then just goes on and on with I'm stupid/lazy/crap at parenting. Like a running commentary from the table.

He is too old and big to be able to put in his room (like you might a toddler) or get to do anything.

PolterGoose Fri 06-May-16 07:18:36

Hmm. This is where I'm quite 'lucky" as ds still sticks to his years old bedtime routine, though now what happens is he goes 'to bed' at half 7, but actually spends about 2-3 hours chilling, reading, on YouTube, whatever he wants, but he's in his room. It's a really important part of his day. If his anxiety is high he can't relax but mostly it works.

With homework, mine also wants us 'to help' but is told "I can help you with homework at this time and that time, not at any other times, you choose when and let me know as I have things to do" so it's not a demand, for my ds careful wording can help loads. Because he's not compliant! He would not change a pillow case either, but I would be saying as I do it, "because I've got to do this I will have no/less time to do that thing you wanted me to do"

When mine calls me lazy I do just tend to laugh. "Really, who does your washing, makes your food, gets your bag ready etc etc?" He will often reply "Well I can do those things myself" so I reply "why don't you then?" And he says "because I'm lazy..." Like I say, I don't take it seriously.

Youarenotkiddingme Sat 07-May-16 09:36:23

Your ds sounds brilliant polt grin

I also do the "I do X, y and z etc" however the homework one has always been a sticking point as DS can't do it when I say I have time but yet wants my help when he decides he's ready and I'm cooking dinner hmm I love yiur idea of giving him times and letting him choose - I'll try that tomorrow - thankyou.

Noeuf my DS does the running commentary thing too! The salt noted it about everything not just when he's cross. Ds and I have a white board in lounge with a magnetic timetable on it. We complete it and talk through what he will do when - would that work for your DS? So if you out bedtime on it so he had to do homework before then etc?

fanjoforthemammaries Sat 07-May-16 09:52:20

DD does the worst things she can think of when she is feeling annoyed, as her way of communicating that she is. This includes smearing poo. Sounds like he is doing the same thing and his maturity level is maybe slightly younger so he is choosing more juvenile things to do to annoy like using word "boobles". I wouldn't say it's a rudeness problem but more a communication issue. The worst thing to do is argue for ages or show that it is bothering you, I find. Hope you can find a solution.

zzzzz Sat 07-May-16 10:16:51

I look like a crap parent to anyone watching, I'm sure, but his progress suggests not.

grin NEVER was truer sentence written, I must use it in a meeting grin

I really DON'T think it is "typical" teenager behaviour, and I honestly don't think most teenagers are anything like their reputation. It's a bit like the "terrible twos", everyone assumes it's true because it's said, there are equally challenging ages and stages but no one has given them a name.

My parenting style (arf if you can call it that, it's actually just my living style) is more like polts. I would never force anyone to do anything, but I am quite honest as to how things make me feel and what the consequences are of peoples behaviour. I tailor that "honesty" to the child or adult I am talking to. ds1 requires more explanation, obviously, but all of them fail to see the impact of say 6 people leaving stuff around the house etc. I have been known to burst into (real) tears.

noeuf Sat 07-May-16 12:01:10

Thank you, I decided to stop reading and come back to it otherwise I am too involved and can't think clearly.

I don't know how to resolve the jealousy. I don't think I can. Ds (younger) is mildly successful at something and has done paid stuff/cool stuff. We have scraped together the money to let them all go to the same group (separate times!) so no accusations of favouritism.

Ds is clever and good looking. He is at a M/s school after a debate in Y6 about statementing. It's the right place for him but does mean people think he's 'normal' 'not that bad' 'fine with me' etc

I'm very interested in the immaturity/worst things - thank you for posting that it makes me feel less alone.

He isn't doing teenage things like hanging out in town with mates. He relies on us and the Xbox for social stuff and we aren't well off enough to just pay for him to do things ( that other people would also want to do). He won't join SN clubs. This is clearly frustrating and sad for him.

I'm just tired. I will reread the posts and try something new.

I really appreciate the input.

Youarenotkiddingme Sat 07-May-16 12:57:41

^I look like a crap parent to anyone watching, I'm sure, but his progress suggests not.^

Brillinat line and yes, well worth using in a meeting.

I'm also think the opposite sentence ^you may look good and think you are good to anyone watching, I'm sure, but his lack of progress and regression in behavior suggests not^ grin

neouf it's rough. I totally get the ms thing. I'm not sure even all ms schools 'get' that a child they have to prime for day before school, during breaks and lunch and use time out card throughout day is requiring far more support than their peers.

Ineedmorepatience Sat 07-May-16 13:51:14

I look like a crap parent to anyone watching, I'm sure, but his progress suggests not.

My new mantra thanks polter grin

(Change his to her obviously)

Ineedmorepatience Sat 07-May-16 13:56:17

Dd3 says mean stuff somtimes but I tend to just sidestep it or ignore it! Coping day to day in school can be really hard work and exhausted frazzled children can behave in unexpected ways.

Be kind to yourself neouf flowers

knittingwithnettles Sat 07-May-16 14:30:18

Dhs2 doesn't say mean stuff to me, but he does try and get a rise out of his older brother, insult him, try and invade his personal space. This is usually when he is really bored/and or anxious, and wants someone to calm him down, "re-set" his emotional dial. He certainly does extremely silly things in this mood, like testing things by throwing them out of the window, or getting in a complete state because he cannot find a special item of clothing which he determined to wear. I don't really think of it as teenage, more just:

anxiety
mild inattentive adhd which flares up on this occasions
inability to communicate with others without making an effort (therefore this goes by wayside when he is tired or cross)
sensory issues...wants feedback from somewhere (could that be the snot situation?)

I deal with it by telling him to stop. And trying to give him another focus, like sitting down somewhere else, going for a walk, shower...or sometimes just remind him what rules are, in an impersonal sort of way..You are not allowed in x's room. I do tell him to stop though, and I get irritated/annoyed in tone, even if I recognise it is anxiety/sensory stuff. I think his siblings need me to reinforce ground rules of personal interaction [pompous] I dont punish him, except on occasion by confiscated ipod if I think too much screen time has made him completely obnoxious. He seems relieved actually,.. that is my child though, who keeps complaining that he doesn't want to be one of those people who are addicted to screens confused

knittingwithnettles Sat 07-May-16 14:35:14

Ds2 is also immature, in sense that not interested in brands, pop music, hanging around street corners, nor in peer pressure or what cool people think. But he does have the strong emotions of a teen, I would say there are hormones at work in there, definitely. Very sensitive to being humiliated or put down, wants respect etc. But I suppose most children do, even before they are teens. It just is that thin skinned element of being a teen that I notice coming out more now. Dd has been like that for ages. And so has ds1 (who is also immature in some ways but is getting more and more "cool" teen like) They both fly off the handle all the time, but is for different reasons than ds2.

knittingwithnettles Sat 07-May-16 14:38:30

Actually when I think about it, mostly I get round ds2 by humour. We start telling each other jokes, or joke scenarios, like an elephant insulting a warthog, and then somehow the tension lifts. But I still find him v annoying at times.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now