SINGLE PARENTS with kids with special Needs

[adamadamum]

I am wondering if there are any other lone parents have a child with Special Needs as I do. I have a daughter, 4, with global developmental delay and feeding problems. Possible Pierpont Syndrome (a rare one!) but time may tell. She is like a 2 yr old in many ways. I also have a 2 1/2 yr old boy, no probs except the normal ones (they are enough aren't they) but put all those problems together and you can guess how stressful it is without a supportive partner. I have no family nearby and the couple of good friends I have are busy with their families so can't help much at all. I am on antidepressants and for a while I thought they were working, but at the moment i am genuinely feeling close to suicidal at times. It is only the worry of the kids ending up in care that stops me i think...

[Jimjams2]

That sounds difficult. Does you ex have the children at all to give you a break? Would your family be supportive if you were closer? We knew my Mum would be and have moved to be near my parents- it has made the biggest difference- my husband works very long hours and without my Mum's help I think there are times I would have sunk. Would moving closer be an option?

[Jimjams2]

Also do you get any help froom social services? It took a long time to organise (about a year) but social services do help us out now (direct payments- so we get money to pay for an exra pair of hands and respite).

[mummy2aaron]

Hiya, where do you live, we have some great support groups in the area. If you live anywhere near Manchester we could always meet up.

[mummy2aaron]

Hiya, where do you live, we have some great support groups in the area. If you live anywhere near Manchester we could always meet up.

[adamadamum]

Mummy2aaron I am in Stockport! Jimjams I have just finally got rid of ss interference! They weren't much use, and treated me like an abusive parent at times (I am not, I adore my kids). Their father can't be bothered and certainly wouldn't spare the time for that! And my mum is elderly and has dementia!

[heavenlycara]

my wee girl also has gdd, hypotonia and a few wee other characteristics. i too am single as i left her father when i was 2mths pregnant. hes never tried to see her,which suits me fine as she gets my full attention healthwise. ive managed to keep strong and quite frankly, i think im doing not bad! lol. health pros have always been great, but the educational dept has a lot to be desired. our school dr came out a couple wks ago and single parent, spoilt child, rules the roost were a few phrases mentioed. i was mad! needless to say, i am no longer allowing her to have anything to do with my girl! in fact, im in a battle at the mo. with ed.dept...i want a change of school with a special unit as mainstream havent got an understanding of a child with s.n. ive had too many run ins with staff due to their opinions!

[adamadamum]

Nearly forgot, HAPPY NEW YEAR!

[mummy2aaron]

adamadamum - I live in Denton, what a small world. I have 3 - ds1 7, ds2 3, dd 18 months. ds2 has autism and can be such a handful. If you ever want a chat or anything cat me and we can arrange something.

[wombat2]

I've been a single mum for a couple of years with two dds, one with SN, although I will be moving in with my dp in a month or so, so guess I don't count for much longer!! My ex was abusive and an alcoholic and has only recently been ok enough to look after our kids for any length of time (dd2 is 5 and has gdd, she is only just beginning to learn to walk). I have persevered though with my ex and, while he is very bitter and twisted, I do now get a break (about every other week).

We all need a support network of some kind, SN child or not. I've had no luck with SS either, but perhaps it is worth pursuing again... How about your ex's family? Could they help you at all or do you have no contact? Also see your GP again if you feel suicidal, perhaps ask to see a counsellor? You must need some practical and emotional support....

I found it is possible to cope if you feel strong in yourself, but it is very easy for everything to get too much and overwhelming if you feel down. All the best.

[adamadamum]

Hi Wombat, my ex's family are in Iran (not muslim if it matters), and I wouldn't be surprised if they didn't even know about these two beautiful children.
No improvement on my DD's sleeping tonight by the way, just gone to sleep now after first trying at around 8pm after bath, tube feed etc. Lots of rapid return attempts and I gave in and gave her another long cuddle as she was so distressed, and signing "sad" all the time, I couldn't help but feel for her. I ended up rocking her to sleep, but every slight move to get her to her cot woke her up and she was back to square one. Eventually I decided to leave her to it upstairs and go and get a large glass of wine (and a fag I am afraid). I checked on her a few minutes ago and she is asleep on the duvet I had left beside her bed. I guess it doesn't matter as long as she is safe and reasonably comfortable, I am certainly not going to risk waking her by moving her.

This really is the last straw - I have had suicidal feelings for a few months and today I was closer than ever. It is all too much to face on my own. Their father came down this pm after I told him how I felt, but as soon as my DS started witha tantrum, he left, even though I was in tears and he had only been here for about an hour. Didn't even say goodbye. Just walked out.

[adamadamum]

Wombat I forgot to say if I could manage to get away from the kids long enough to see a counciler, maybe I wouldn't need one! anyway, been there done that in the past due to berievement, and I am not really sure if it helped at all, having an appointment to be miserable, and with a stranger as well, who could at any minute decide to contact social f**ng services and have me even closer to finally doing it. I love my children SO MUCH YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE they are the only thing that stops me from ending it all (although my situation as a single mum with an sn dd and no life is why I can't bear to live.)

Even if I DID end it I would do everything I could to make sure my children were safe.

[Chocol8]

Oh Adamadamum, you poor thing, I know how you are feeling. My ds who is 9 has AS and ADHD and is very hard work. His "dad" has not seen him for just over a year and so i do not get the respite i used to for a few hours on a Saturday (plus also the financial help though it was meagre).

It is difficult when you do not have family nearby or friends who can help. My Dad has taken a more active role lately and is good if i need to attend a meeting or something, but i can't rely on him all the time.

I do, as i am sure we all do, get very down and depressed at times and some days seem very bleak but although we can't support you physically on Mumsnet, we can support you "virtually" and i have found since i have been on Mumsnet, just typing out my problem helps.

I hope you will continue to write and let us try and help if we can. Are there any support groups at all in your area? I am not sure if this is of any use as i have not called them myself but Rathbone have an advice line: 0800 917 6790 for SEN. I am sure that if this is incorrect, someone will let us know. Thinking of you. x

[MamazonAKAfatty]

hi adamadamum
Glad you have decided to post over here, knew you would find some helpfull people.

I really think you need to try and get some respite. what professionals do you deal with at the moment? maybe they could reffer you to somewhere.

I know you are anti social services but maybe you could approach them just by calling and asking what services were abvailable in your area. you dont have to give any personal details, just ask whats out there.
You will totally be put off me now i know but i was a social worker in my past life (i worked with young offenders though not family services) and i can assure you that nothing you have said would indicate that your children are anything but loved. the whole point of social services is to help you deal with the stresses and strains of having children, particularly ones that have such high needs.

I can also assure you that it is the last thing on anyones mind to take a child from its mother so please don't panic, i know you have had a bad experiance with SS before but i think that was more a case of good intentions being taken the wrong way.

Iknow i sound a complete nutter, sorry.

I just think that given just a little bit of help and time to yourself you would feel a lot better. Yuo may be able to get funding for a specialist babysitter so that you can go to appointments, get your hair done....just go and have a bath if you wanted.

[nannynick]

Was going to post on the other thread on Single Parents board, but noticed you posted on here a few minutes back.

Great to hear that your daughter has finally gone to sleep. It does not matter at all regarding where she chooses to sleep, the floor is perfectly acceptable in my view. In fact, as she can now climb out of her cot, you could just take the cot down, and let her lay on the mattress.

Please don't sit and think suicidal thoughts. Talk to someone, us here on-line, a neighbour, friend, or call Samaritans on 08457 909090.

[mummy2aaron]

Could you go through your Health Visitor and try for respite - maybe Homestart could be an option - I can let you know the number for the office in Hyde. Occupational Therapy could also alter your house to make a safe place for your little one for when sleep is a problem.

[adamadamum]

Hi guys thanks for suggestions. I already have a Homestart volunteer, though I haven't seen her since before Christmas as she said she was going away and will see me in the new yr, will try to find out tomorrow when that might be! She's great, but of course it's only 2 hours in a very long week.

I think I will see if I can somehow have contact with her paed, to see what he thinks about medication of some sort. We only had our 6 monthly app't with him a few days before Christmas, but she was sleeping well then!

It's just strange the way it has happened so suddenly. If I remember correctly it was the night I tried her in a new grobag, which proved really easy to get out of, which she did (over and over again) and climbed out of her cot. Even though she is back in the previous grobags, which she can't get out of easily, she gets out of her cot within seconds of me putting her in it, crying at the stair-gate. She DID spend 2 evenings downstairs with me (I was desperate) and I know that won't have helped, but it certainly wasn't the original cause.

She doesn't really have any speach (the odd word) but she cries and cries and signs to me that she is sad! She gets hysterical when I go to put her in her cot. I have even tried rocking her to sleep in my arms, to then sneak her into the cot (a short term measure of course) but the 2 times I have tried, she has woken up as soon as her back has touched the mattress.

Tonight has been no better, but I have done something that makes me feel cruel - I once read somewhere about tying the door to something, in effect "locking her in" her room. I decided to try it out of desperation as she kept going into my room where my DS is sleeping, and making a lot of noise. One awake is enough of a problem!

Well, after about 15 minutes of heartbreaking crying it all went silent...no doubt she is asleep somewhere on the bedroom floor, but at least asleep.

Am I right to feel guilty? Locking your child in her room just seems barbaric, makes me feel like an abusive parent. But I had to do something, or Adam would also be awake and crying. It seems the only other alternative would have been to give in and take her downstairs, and we all know what that would teach her...

[mummy2aaron]

To be honest you are on your own and shattered - just do what you can to get through imo. It may seem cruel but my Mum did it with me and I am fine - no insecurities or anythong because of it.

Not seen my Homestart since before Xmas too and she should have come yesterday.

The Paediatrician can prescribe Melatonin to help with the sleep but it doesn't always work. I find with ds it gets him to sleep a treat but doesnt keep him asleep - he is usually a very early riser - having said that twice amonth he will do 11 hours. It's not easy to get it prescribed though. Email me if you have a problem with it. Clairelee11ataoldotcom.

[adamadamum]

Hi guys, just thought I's let you know, my DD Catherine was the same tonight.

Today I made up the bed that's in her room, to see if it would make a difference. I put new batteries in the "cot toy" a really old wind up one that plays music whatever, but has a light show powered by batteries, put a night light in her room, put an oil filled radiator in there (we don't have central heating - her bedroom could get chilly but she has a grobag and blankets and I have a gas heater on the landing just opposite her room, just kep the door open at night) But in case that wasn't enough, I got an extra heater, so now she has her own.

Well, I did all this in her presence today, and she really seemed excited about it all, got into the bed loads of times, pulled the duvet up over herself, really seemed to love it. I gave her loads of praise, and asked her several times if she wanted to sleep in the bed tonight and each time I got an excited "Yea!" I told her if she slept in it for a week I would take her to "J.Js", a kind of play centre especially designed for "S.N" kids - we went a couple of months ago and it was brilliant, both kids absolutely loved it. She made it very clear that she wanted to go again, sayin "JJ" all day, and each time, I reminded her I would take her if she slept in the bed for a week (I doubt if she knows what a week is, but I had to say something, I certainly couldn't take her after just one good night!).

All day the topic has been Catherine being a big girl in a big girl's bed, and she genuinely seemed really into it...until after a long wind down tonight, I tried to put her in it, and it was exactly the same as all the other nights...I plan to call her paed tomorrow to see if we can discuss melatonin or something!

[mummy2aaron]

Oh dear, let me know how you get on with the paed. I haven't heard of J.J.'s where is it - might be worth a visit.

[tobysmumkent]

Message withdrawn

[adamadamum]

Hi JJ's is in Macclesfield and well worth the visit - I got the number for you: 01625 667872 They only allow a limited number of kids per session so you have to book, but it's fantastic!

[adamadamum]

Thanks Tobysmum, it's reassuring to know I am not the only one! x

[mummy2aaron]

Thanks for the number i'll ring and book a slot.