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At a loss with ds :(

(13 Posts)
Roseberrry Thu 28-Jan-16 18:30:33

I just don't know what to do with him, nothing seems to affect him. He has not been diagnosed with anything but if he doesn't have adhd then I'm the Queen. He is constantly pushing boundaries, at home, at school, everywhere. He's had help from a play therapist, both her and the school say we need to work on better consequences for his actions. This is where I struggle. You can take all his toys away, his tablet, sweets etc but he still won't be bothered or learn from it. They know this as they've struggled with the same problem at school.

How does everyone else deal with discipline? I feel that our boundaries are clear enough at home, we're not super strict but we expect him to make the right choices, be kind, no sneakiness, the same stuff we repeat day after day.

I'm totally lost with him, I sometimes feel like I don't have a clue what I'm doing.

Jasonandyawegunorts Thu 28-Jan-16 18:45:11

He is constantly pushing boundaries, at home, at school, everywhere.

I'm sorry but this isn't ADHD criteria.

Jasonandyawegunorts Thu 28-Jan-16 18:45:50

Have you looked up PDA?

Roseberrry Thu 28-Jan-16 18:47:57

Do you not think?
He does show a lot of other signs like not being able to sit for longer than a minute at most, constant talking/noise making, hungry all the time, very very easily distracted.

rosebiggs Thu 28-Jan-16 18:53:48

What are the consequences at school and are they effective? It's interesting that the school and play therapist have decided that YOU need to decide on stronger consequences. That's code for 'we don't know what to do here.'
Does he have any literacy/ learning difficulties? SPLD can be a common co-morbidity with ADHD.

Jasonandyawegunorts Thu 28-Jan-16 19:00:48

Do you not think? He does show a lot of other signs like not being able to sit for longer than a minute at most, constant talking/noise making, hungry all the time, very very easily distracted.

I certainly think you should trust your instincts about things like this, you know him far better than anyone else.
But at the same time I don't think you should be set on ADHD, There are so many traits shared between things and co morbids that sometimes it's very hard to categorise neuro-atypicality. It might be good to streach out and read up on stratagies which help other diagnoses.

Roseberrry Thu 28-Jan-16 19:43:15

The consequences are things like loss of playtime, missing out on things he likes, he also has a behaviour book. Thankfully his current teacher likes him and is quite laid back, but the head isn't so keen and I don't think it'll be long till he is expelled. I'd never thought of it like that Rose, I'd assumed it was my own fault.
He is great at reading and good with maths, slightly behind in literacy but he is a summer babe too.

I will look further in to PDA, thank you. He does seem to click with a lot of it.

School don't think we should bother with CAHMs as all we'll get is a diagnosis and not much else. I'm in two minds.

PolterGoose Thu 28-Jan-16 20:13:21

Definitely look at PDA strategies, some good stuff on the PDA Society website and the PDA Resource

Ross Greene's book 'The Explosive Child' is amazing and he has a website too, Lives in the Balance. Also worth a look is the Challenging Behaviour Foundation website. All these approaches take you well away from traditional 'discipline' and towards a more creative and collaborative approach based on developing skills (discipline means teaching!)

SENMumoftwo Sun 31-Jan-16 11:50:09

My initial thought was to look at PDA.

I was also convinced my child had ADHD years ago, but it can be down to sensory issues that makes them hyper and show similar behaviours.

If the punishments etc aren't working then I would definitely go for Polter's suggestion.

FanjofortheMammaries Sun 31-Jan-16 12:01:59

I would go about encouraging good behaviour by subtly rewarding positive behaviour and ignoring bad. Works much better with DD.

FanjofortheMammaries Sun 31-Jan-16 12:03:14

Negative consequences mean absolutely nothing to DD whatsoever.

twinklejute Sun 31-Jan-16 13:56:05

I'm in a similar boat, Rose. We know that positive feedback and distraction work best. Occasionally he is in a compliant mood and we can say 'no' or threaten to take away privileges but mostly it doesn't work and you see the situation escalate right before your eyes. To fight back is to risk all sanity and it will get messy. I'm no saint and I admit I don't always have the patience for this gently, gently approach - it's hard bloody work. But I try to look back on the day and think of one happy moment and that usually helps to keep me going for the next 24 hrs. Usually. wink

Roseberrry Mon 01-Feb-16 11:56:06

Thanks everyone, it's comforting to know I'm not alone. I do try to be positive as he gets such a thrill from negative attention, but it's so hard sometimes as he is just constant.

I decided to refer him back to CAHMs, dr was a bit unsure as its not quite the 18 months CAHMS wanted us to wait, but I've not seen any difference in him getting older.

Been having a look at pda so thank you for that.

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