need advice, handlng things v badly, DS AS 11yo

[Cardboardpants]

Really need some advice. I'm handling things so appallingly and am so upset at both myself and the situation. Would just love to hear from anyone with a few words of wisdom.

DS with AS is just turned 11 and is starting secondary next week. He's probably more anxious about this than he's letting on. The school hols are never easy and he just wants to be on screens the whole time. He is very oppositional. Very demand avoidant and controlling. (Also funny, loving and great at other times of course, let's not forget that.)

He's just left the house to go to his friend's house (as planned) a few doors away, after a huge row. Which was mainly about him brushing his teeth before he went, coz he hadn't yet brushed then today. It matters to me that he does it coz he's got dental problems looming.

Anyway as part as his protracted avoidance tactic he went to his room instead of the bathroom. At one point he stated that if I would come into his room and stand in one particular place for a moment, then and only then would he brush his teeth. I refused because it seemed to be taking the control too far, almost humiliating me. Eventually he did it anyway coz he wanted to see his friend and couldn't go til it was done. But he was so rude and sarcastic to me until he left, refusing everything he could possibly refuse. I was in tears, at at one point even shouted at him to get out of the house. He's only 11 ffs. So awful of me. I'm ashamed.

I've lost all perspective. Should I have stood on the designated spot?? It feels like things are falling apart. I've lost my way a bit and am so stressed. He was diagnosed at 8 so I feel I shouldn't be so at a loss. He's always been controlling but it's gone nuclear. He's back at 6pm. The plan is for him to have a bath then, which he'll resist, read a few pages of the book he's got to read for year 7, which he'll resist. It's like we're caught in a horrible loop. Any advice on how to try and pull this back a but would be really appreciated.

[Ineedmorepatience]

Based on the fact that he is starting secondary very soon I would assume that he is much more anxious than he is letting on!! He may not even realise himself!

If I were you, I would reduce demands to the absolute bare minimum although I do agree that teeth brushing before leaving the house does fall into that catagory!

Could he have a bath and then curl up on the sofa with you and watch a movie and still have time for a few pages of the book?

Its a really tough time for our kids!

I watched a you tube thing with Sarah Hendrickx they other day, she mainly talks about women with AS but her insight into anxiety is very interesting!

Good luck

[Ineedmorepatience]

One thing that works for us is saying that today is the day for a shower! There is no expectation of when she must have the shower but it has to be today! I usually start telling her the day before. If I just suddenly say, you need to have a shower and then expect her to do it straight away that will end badly!

Work set by school to be done at home was always a nightmare for us and usually had to be a joint effort, eg. You read a page I read a page!

[Cardboardpants]

Thanks both. sorry for not replying sooner. I had to whizz round the shops while DS was at his friend's to pick up more uniform bits. Oddly it was good/helpful to get out of the house even for such boring chores!

Yes, I do see that it's a difficult time for him. Anxiety has long been one of his biggest issues (along with all the sensory stuff). And although I know that, I still get drawn into these ridiculous stand offs, which just ramps up the anxiety. I think I'm pretty (read a lot!) anxious about him starting secondary too and although I don't show it in obvious ways, I probably am pretty tense at the moment. I just find it so heartbreaking how rude he is to me. I so want to support him and help him navigate the world etc but he just shuts me out and focuses on gaming, youtubing, etc. He will barely tolerate a conversation that isn't about a special interest at the moment, and shuts down a lot of other conversations. So while there is much that I'd love to go over with him to help prepare for starting secondary - social skills stuff maybe - I haven't a chance in hell of having those conversations. Actually reading that back does sound a little intense on my part and maybe now is really just the time to kick back and watch dvds with him...

[Ineedmorepatience]

Yes I think you are right.. just do it

At the end of the day, all you can ever do is your best, nobody is ever perfect we are all human and lets face it many of us have our own issues to deal with as well!

Be kind to yourself

[Cardboardpants]

Aww thanks Ineed. I think you and polter are both so right about reducing demands. I needed to be reminded. I wonder whether his controlling would ease off a little with fewer demands being placed upon him. I'm hoping this might also reduce the rather spectacular rudeness. I looked up a youtube of Sarah Hendrickx discussing anxiety - it was really brilliant. Just what I needed to see and think about. Thanks again. It really helps to have a sensible perspective when things are getting on top of me!

[IguanaTail]

Does the book for school have a CD version so he can listen and read? Might be less painful.

[Cardboardpants]

I'm afraid not, Iguana, but it's short so I like the idea above of reading it with him. we'll see in the morning if he's up for that!

[Ineedmorepatience]

Glad you found the Sarah Hendrickx thing! I really like the way she explains things in a very black and white way.

Good luck for tomorrow and remember the rudeness isnt personal its just words!!

[IguanaTail]

Could you make a sheet with times of the day on the left and cards with what he needs to do, and then he needs to plot on his plan when he is going to do them?

Bet you'll be glad when he's back to school!