Won't/can't say sorry - please help!

[VikingLady]

Very brief background: DD (3.5) is being assessed for ASD, probably at the Aspergers end as I am. She does have problems making friends as she plays way below her chronological age. I do t want to bore anyone and I'm not sure how much detail is relevant!

She cannot bring herself to say she is sorry to anyone except me, and that is only when she is already upset because she's in trouble or when she can clearly see I'm upset. If she has hurt someone (always unintentional) she looks worriedly at me and freezes - mild panic iyswim. She doesn't know how to respond but is distressed. If I press her to say sorry she cries and says she can't. She knows the difference between cant/wont!

I looked it up online and read that a lot of kids with ASD cannot say they are sorry if they aren't/don't recognise they are as it would be untrue. I get that, but social wheels do need greasing! Please please please can anyone think of a way to get her to make some sign of remorse or apology that would be acceptable to other kids and their parents? At least until she is old enough to understand the nuances of white lies? Other parents don't understand and I can't really blame them!

[VikingLady]

Sorry that's so epically long. In summary: we need a way for DD (3) to look like she's apologising without lying. Or touching them.

[VikingLady]

I'm not going to push "I'm sorry" as it just upsets her, and I don't want to teach her to lie!

I guess I'm really looking for a way to make it look better to other parents and kids. We're getting pretty isolated already because of our social differences (I'm an aspie too) and she's starting to get upset about it.

[LeChien]

Ds2 (10) will now say sorry if he did something accidentally, I imagine in the same way that Polter described.
If something was deliberate (most likely scenario), he won't say sorry as he's not!

[VikingLady]

I do that at the moment, but other kids are starting to notice too. She gets upset when she's called naughty- she sobs that she's a good girl! And other 3yo kids do call her naughty for not saying sorry!

Maybe this is a problem without a solution, much as I hate to think that. She seems so normal to people who don't know her that I think other parents believe I'm exaggerating.

[VikingLady]

Thanks Polter. I've seen your posts elsewhere and thought they made sense, so I'll believe you!

Poor kid. They don't have it easy, do they?

[Knickersinatwist36]

Hi, we are in the same boat with DD2, to her if it means nothing to say it then why say it?

But I really empathise with you trying to teach the word just make it easier. It's such a social struggle already and it can seem almost a reflex to say sorry for most adults and children (a stranger could drop food on me and I would apologise to them - it's just a reflex). We have had a couple of times where DD2 (6yo) has shuffled in stared at the floor and said "I 'pologise" but there have been after pretty outstanding meltdowns/trashing room. I think like others have said it is time and understanding and you have to do it for her. It's ok. She is just young and children forget, the nice ones are nice and will just like her for her.

[VikingLady]

It does seem counter intuitive to make them lie about remorse, doesn't it? I still struggle with it myself and don't always remember to fake it.

The kids with nice parents are ok with it, but it limits her (and my!) social circle even further!

[VikingLady]

Result!

If I explain to her why what she did made someone sad and remind her that we try to make people happy, not sad (because we like to be happy and other people do too) I can get her to agree that she is sorry she did x.

It's a bit stilted still, but I really recommend giving it a go!