DS incapable of behaving - what can it point to? Increasingly desperate.

[Ooh1981]

He's been referred and we're waiting for an appointment with a paediatric nurse I think for assessment.

There have been problems for as long as I can remember. Since being about 18 months he's hit and required 'constant' intervention for behaviour.

He's four now.

Both private and school nursery have raised problems with behaviour.

Initially school nursery was concerned with other aspects such as coordination and fine motor skills but now he's improved they are less worried about that - but still say his behaviour is a problem.

Early years foundation leader says she doesn't think he can control his behaviour.

He's been to the GP who couldn't see the prob, but I've now pushed for the referral.

Private nursery although initially thought school was being excessive has now said yes, push for referral. They say his behaviour requires 'one on one' management.

His key worker at the private nursery has said she can't find the carrot or the stick that makes him tick - in all her years of looking after children hasn't come across anything similar.

At home we are confident with coordination etc it's just this constant bad behaviour that's really now, as ever, impacting on the quality of our lives. He has DSis who is two.

I'm going to be honest and say I do my best to remain calm and follow a behaviour plan - currently reward chart, praising the good, time out and taking a toy. I know that sounds excessive but otherwise he doesn't care and reverts to whatever he was doing.

I do end up shouting sometimes out of sheer frustration.

Climbing on furniture, not listening to me when there's danger, running around after other children and wrestling, rough with his sister etc etc etc etc.

He's due to start FT school on Sept - and what's making me worry even more is that it's an entirely new setting. How could this impact on him mentally given our situation already?

Assessment is June.

[Ooh1981]

He's a gorgeous and loving little boy with bags of character. And we absolutely adore him.

[Stradbroke]

My daughter is older and probably less extreme but we too have issues with not doing as she's told and unlike other children the carrot/stick thing doesn't work well.

What I have found helps is:
Giving choice. When I want her to do something like get dressed and I think she won't comply I ask her if she would like to get dressed herself or me get her dressed. Of course she chooses me, she feels in control and I have a dressed child.
Give two choices the easier one being the one you want them to do.

An immediate reward. I want her to behave in the supermarket I ask what she wants. Ice cream. I keep reminding her about it and she behaves. This one takes a bit as she needed to know that I would follow through on the no ice cream. And reward charts would never work with my daughter. Too far in the distance to make sense to her.

Look at PDA and some behaviour managements for that. They really work. What I try and remember is that for her sake I want her to comply so her life is easier, my life is easier and she has a chance to succeed. How that happens? I don't care.

www.pdasociety.org.uk/families/strategies

Good luck!

[Stradbroke]

Also diet. I am a firm believer in what children (particularly those with SN) being sensitive to what they eat.
Science without fact but I think it helps.

[Ooh1981]

Two really good tips there! Thank you!

[Kleinzeit]

My DS liked countdowns. He has a slight processing delay so counting down from 10 steadily gave him time to understand what I wanted him to do and switch gears and do it. Might countdowns help your DS get off the furniture? Also we’ve had things that went like this: my DS is hitting a tree or a wall with stick; I say cheerfully “now, three more bangs with the stick and then put it down – three - two – one – and down. Well done!” I am really thinking “put the bloody stick down before you brain the nearest child with it” but I know that expressing that in any way would only make things dangerously worse!

I did find pre-assessment / pre-diagnosis the hardest time, because I didn’t know what DS’s problems were. Once I knew what his problems and disabilities were I could start using the right behaviour strategies for him, and his behaviour started to get better.