Depressed

[spaghettisue]

I am feeling more and more depressed, like my family is falling apart, and so far removed from being the one I envisaged.

Ds1 (10) has an asd diagnosis but he is not typical asd, no problems with change etc, no routines he has to stick to. Obviously problems with social and huge problems with organisation. He talks all the time which if I'm honest grinds us all down. He's addicted to mine craft, I limit his time, but he doesn't know what to do with himself without it. He has no other hobbies apart from TV, or jumping around playing games in his head.

School applied for ehcp for transition to secondary school. We have just found out he didn't get it. His social vulnerability us being pointed out more and more. I so worry for him at secondary school come September.

Dd is NT. There are always lots of arguments between her and Ds1. Ds1 is a kind, loving beautiful soul, but he can hit out and drives dd mad with excessive talking. Dd doesn't help by being very much in his face. She wants him to be her playmate in short.

Ds2 is 17 months. No diagnosis but I know he has Asd. I just know. Hits all the red flags. Started babbling at 13 months, still just a few sounds, no pointing, very little understanding. His play consists of running about emptying cupboards.

He wasn't a planned baby. I was on antidepressants and quite high levels of benzodiazepines when I fell pregnant. I stopped them as soon as I found out I was pregnant but had quite bad withdrawal effects for a month. I know antidepressants stay in your system for about 8 weeks. It is absolutely eating me up that the medication has affected the baby's brain and caused/contributed to the asd.

I have generalised anxiety disorder myself. I can't get away from worrying.

I want to go back on antidepressants now, but am still breastfeeding ds2. He demands it, I won't take tablets whilst still breastfeeding him, but I don't know how to get him off the breast, he has never taken a bottle. I NEED to be on antidepressants though, they helped me in the past.

Any advice care this?

Dh says I am writing ds2 off by saying he has asd. I am not. I know the earlier a diagnosis the better. But I know dh won't acknowledge there is a problem till told so by a professional. I feel like I am going to have a year of feeling devastated on my own.

Ds2 was seen by a paediatrician at 13 months, when he had just started saying ga, ga, ga. (No other sounds). She was lovely and said he was still within normal development. I don't think that is the case now.

The future feels incredibly bleak. My daughter will never have the playmate she wants. I feel full of absolute guilt. My kids argue all the time, and I feel I am not helping them as I seem to go on and on to them about not doing this, not doing that etc. my daughter told me yesterday I am always arguing. My son has told me I won't let a point go.

I often think that it would be easier to not be here. But I wouldn't do that to my family.

Dh is positive, enjoys life, I feel incredibly worried about the future. Ds1 has been relatively easy, but I know from mn how difficult an asd child can be and I don't know what our future holds.

Am I ever going to feel better, am I ever going to enjoy my children again?

Thank you for reading.

[2boysnamedR]

You are having a tough time right now with the ehcp refusal and worries about the baby. Seems to be a practicality low point which I can relate too. So definatly every possibility you will feel better once some burden is lifted from your current situation.

Is your baby under a pead? Are they being seen again?

Did you apply for assessment or did the school? Not getting assessed is not a final no. There's alway a chance to appeal and apply again ( if school applied I think you need to wait, apply again and then appeal - someone here can correct me) ipsea can help to

No advise with the bf as all my babies had boob and bottles from
The start so would take both

Hope someone more knowledgable comes alone soon

[spaghettisue]

Thanks for reply 2boys. Baby is not under a paed. He was discharged after being seen at 13 months. I have made a doctors appointment for him to be seen by GP and assume she will refer again.

School made the ehcp application. We have decided not to appeal at the moment. He is one of those boys who on paper seem like his needs can be met more easily than they can. We don't have 'anything' to appeal on at the moment. We've decided to wait till secondary school and see how he copes. I will be documenting and writing down everything, and if there are problems, use that as a basis for the appeal.

I appreciate your taking time to help, thank you :)

[spaghettisue]

Thank you Polter

The thing is ds1 would be on the computer, watching u tube videos of mine craft from 6am till bedtime (bar school and meal times:)) if we let him.

It's definitely his release too, but I feel it's become an addiction.

So we let him have an hour morning and an hour after school.

I swerve between giving him more time/restricting his time.

Then he watches tv, jumps around the rest of the time.

[senvet]

spaghetti I have done that anxiety/depression thing and it feels like it will never go away, but it does.

I have never heard of ASD being caused by anti-depressants in pregnancy - and as you have one dc with ASD that is FAR more likely to be relevant, so please don't beat yourself up on that one.

Now, the EHCP for the big boy.
I would appeal that, but you need help - it sounds like it would be just too much to manage right now. You can have a specially trained tribunal volunteer from NAS 0808 800 4102 - you leave a message and they call back. Check the appeal deadline and tell them that deadline. But especially say you have anxiety/depression and a baby with suspected ASD. With luck that will get you a lawyer from their law firm to help. So you would then be blessed with an ASD-tribunal-trained volunteer on the phone, and some top notch lawyers on your case as well, so that would be the pressure off you right away.

Also, the NAS can get a family support worker in some areas - I have the impression that this is no way guaranteed, but if you don't ask, you son't get. Just someone to come in and help with anything whether it is taking dd out, or listening to ds1, whatever helps release the strain the most. So do ask when you get the NAS helper if they can get you someone.

In terms of a 17 month old demanding breast feeding my wise old friend - a doctor for 60+ years said 'no child has ever been known to die of self-imposed starvation or dehydration'.
So if it would now be better for you-and-your-family, as a unit, for you to get back on anti-depressants, then I would think about biting the bullet and taking him off breast feeding. Maybe going straight onto a big boy sippy cup would help. He may protest for a couple of weeks, and you may feel dreadful saying 'no' for a couple of weeks, but if you and dh think it is for the best, then so be it. You will know (and obviously I don't), but it has to stop at some point.

And dear dear dd. My relatives are in this pattern ds1 with ASD, dd nt and the ds2 with ASD. She went to some after school child-carers groups and they seemed to help. Maybe ask the school if they know of anything. Or if you get a family support worker, get them to chase somethings down for her.

So my suggestion is one call to the NAS and take it from there.

I really hope they come through for you.

[spaghettisue]

Thank you so much Senvet.

Will talk all those points through with Dh tonight.

[senvet]

So glad you have a supportive dh. I wouldn't swap mine for the world

pm me if you have queries tonight

[senvet]

thinking of you all. Hope you are OK

[spaghettisue]

Thank you Senvet. You are very kind. I actually feel 10 x better for getting it all off my chest. I phoned the NAS yesterday and am waiting to hear back.

When we were told DS1 was not getting his assessment I went in and spoke to the SENCO at the secondary school where he will be going in September. The school has an asd provision attached but only statemented children can go there. But the school has something called a 'green pathway' within it which is pretty much like a primary school within the secondary so the children in it have one classroom, and the different teachers come to them not vice versa. And the SENCO said we would put ds1 into the green pathway with a view to putting him slowly into mainstream if he could cope.

Part of me wonders if we should appeal the statement refusal, and part of me wonders if we should accept the above and see how he gets on. I know he wants to be independent.

All in all though I am not nearly as worried as I would be if he was going to an 'average' secondary. We chose that one especially. It is 6 miles away though :(

It's very hard when you realise you have a second child with sn.

My dh is supportive in wanting the vest best for our children, but he doesn't understand depression.

I will let you know how we get on x

[senvet]

Well done, and glad you are feeling better.
I hope the NAS come through for you.
I would start by saying you have to decide whether to appeal and the magic words:-
anxiety/depression plus two children with SN.

Good Luck

[senvet]

Oh and the pathway sounds perfect but if it isn't in a statement/EHCP then it might vanish at a blink of some administrators's eye

[JJXM]

I also suffer from terrible anxiety and I took anti-depressants, anti-psychotics and the occasional benzo during both of my pregnancies - one DS with ASD and one DD who seems to be developing normally - I don't think your medication will have caused your son's ASD.

If you are having difficulties getting your DS off the breast then go and talk to a GP or even better a psychiatrist (if you have one) because there are many different kinds of antidepressants and some of them are judged safer to use during pregnancy and breastfeeding - especially the older ones as there has been more time to test their impact on babies. You sound like you are getting near breaking point and I think a healthy parent needs to come first.

Also - have they told you why they have rejected your request for an EHCP? I'd appeal - I did and it worked for us.

[2boysnamedR]

Hope your doing ok. I have two sn kids and a baby, I'm worried about her too. I had a good cry today. Anger keeps me going. I get mad which keeps me focused. Not healthy either but without it I would fall apart.

Appealing can be stressful I won't lie. But the possible wins are worth it. Sometimes all you need do is appeal and they issue with no hearing.

[spaghettisue]

Sending you hugs 2boys. I followed a previous thread of yours and know you have got it tough and are worried about your baby. Sometimes a good cry makes you feel better, I hope so for you.

It's awful isn't it when you spend your time analysing to see whether lo is showing signs of asd. Ds1 wasn't diagnosed till 6, and I really enjoyed his toddler years, totally unaware that he was a little different to his peers. Well maybe I was aware, but I loved his little quirks. But I know I haven't really 'enjoyed' ds2, I've spent the time worrying instead. And I know I'll look back and regret it.

I don't think we are going to appeal at the moment. We don't really have anything else to go on. But if he starts to 'fail' at secondary, that will be our grounds to appeal. We got advice from the autism outreach team.

On a nice note, ds1 has asked for a 'friends' birthday party this year - his first ever. He has been invited to a few parties this year, usually it is none.

[2boysnamedR]

Ds2 his going to a friends tomorrow, he's made up about that. Yes you really do look and analyse everything, impossible not too x

[senvet]

Any news from the NAS?

[spaghettisue]

The NAS gave us different options, and I didn't feel it was going to be straightforward, so I rang the local autism outreach team and spoke to the local arbitration person as well. We've decided not to appeal at the moment, I know some of you wil feel I'm making the wrong decision.

The big problem with appealing is tha t we have nothing else to go at the moment. He's succeeding at primary.

He's going to go into this 'green pathway' to settle, and then because he is bright, he needs to get into mainstream. If THEN he can't cope or isn't meeting his potential, that will be the grounds to go for assessment again, ie we will have something to go on.

The arbitration person is coming into the meeting with me in the summer term with the SENCO to discuss how they will meet his needs. I think it all rests on proving whether the school will meet his needs. If not that's when we go again, with evidence that he is not succeeding. And that's wheni'll fight tooth and nail.

The trouble is he has been so well catered for at primary that he has been fine without a statement.

[2boysnamedR]

No ones going to think bad or you not appealing, it's emotionally very hard. It's eaten me up inside. I had no choice and was backed against a wall. I think you will know when you need to appeal. I think you need to strongly feel the need or you will struggle to see it through anyway

[spaghettisue]

Thank you 2boys.