Ds has been eating in school and happier!! however....

[claw2]

when I asked ds what has changed he said he has lunch at a different time, so he can find a table and sits on his own and get away from others.

Playtime the other children are still mean, but he has a bigger playground and can get away from them now and be on his own.

Also he says he is no good at talking and others ignore him when he does and this makes him sad, so he just doesn't bother anymore.

OT is saying she has seen a different child this term and I have too at home. However it seems this is due to ds isolating himself.

Do I keep banging on to school about working on his social skills etc or just accept that ds is happier when he doesn't have to bother interacting?

[claw2]

I agree Polter, although with ds no effort is put into getting him to participate, other than force. Its sad in as much as there was a time when he was eager to join in and participate, failing miserably each time, has left him now not wanting to.

Last term OT was recommending more intervention, now due to the sudden change in ds, she is recommending less.

She thinks this is 'progress', in a way it is ie ds has found his own way of being happier. However it is not 'progress' in the traditional sense or due to anything that school has done.

Im in two minds. On one hand I am just happy that ds is happy and eating. Then on the other I am thinking its not good enough, professionals should be doing their jobs.

[claw2]

Much better.

Last term, he would storm in from school crying, angry, throw his bag on the floor and say he is never going back. He is much more relaxed/happier this term so far, at home too. Last term, his engagement in lessons was very up and down. Some days refusing to engage at all in certain lessons and getting very emotional.

Although he does tend to start off well then go downhill rapidly. He only went back on Thursday. He hated Thursday, which I expected being the first day and lots of change. Every day since, he has reported 'good days' and being 'happy' which prompted me to ask him what makes a good day.

He still feels persecuted by other children, often wrongly, so his solution is to just stay away from them.

[claw2]

He has been a different child after school since Friday, fingers crossed!

I am ok thanks polter, looking after my mum and ds is hard work, tired, but coping and ok.

How are things with you?

[claw2]

Wow good news all round then!

and thank you for clarifying and helping me make up my mind. I have always said I will be happy when ds is happy, so maybe its time to just be happy, regardless of how we achieved it!

[seayork]

I don't know of the history but my son does not have this situation but is 'different' in other ways that we are not used to but his happiness outweighs everything (not counting serious/school work things - but if we would do X and he will happily do Y and there is no real issue we leave him to it) so i would go with his happiness rather than what 'we' think!

So if our son genuinely seemed to want to eat alone and he was not showing any signs of problems I would leave well alone

[claw2]

Thanks seayork, ds hasn't been able to eat in school for 5 years! He has an extremely limited diet too.

For 5 years he has been telling me, professionals and school when asked what would make it better for him, that he wants to eat alone.

For various reasons, he doesn't like eating with others. He doesn't like looking at the food they eat, he doesn't like watching them eat it, he doesn't like spilled food (even crumbs on the table) he is scared it will touch his skin. He also doesn't like the noise of the lunch hall.

He has NEVER been allowed to eat on his own. Or they would never even wipe the table for him.

So by accident, nothing else, it just so happens in year 6, you eat at a different time, younger children eat first, then tables are cleaned before year 6 go in as younger ones are messy. So cleaner, quieter and less children and he can choose from 3 tables to sit, so he waits until last, then chooses the table where fewest people are sitting and as far away from them as possible.

Shame it had to happen by accident.

I have fought extremely hard for years to get ds a statement, with OT, SALT and counsellor. Again by accident, he now has a bigger playground. Again shame professionals didn't just listen to ds, rather than keep trying to push a square peg into a round hole.

But he is happy and eating now, regardless of how we achieved this.

[sammythemummy]

polter I totally understand what you are saying and agree that we shouldn't push our children into situations they find uncomfortable. However, surely if he learns social skills and learn what's "expected"= Reduced anxiety?

One way or another he will have to mingle with children so they way I see it is the quicker they learn this the less problems in the future.

I'm glad your da is able to have lunch on his own, when workin in a school I had to eat in the canteen and it is truly awful!

[sammythemummy]

Clearly I need to preview my posts before sending it....but meh

[claw2]

They just seem so clueless.

Take yesterday for example ds went swimming. He previously had a real fear of water and it took me taking him to a sensory pool years ago, buying a massive paddling pool for the summer to get him over his fear. He went from screaming at the sight of a large pool of water to being able to swim under water (but only with goggles) to me not being able to get him out! So a lot of hard work on my part.

Last term they agreed that ds could wear goggles and he went from screaming and crying to actually enjoying getting in the swimming pool.

This term he is not allowed goggles, he is screaming and crying again and begging for his goggles.

Ds tells me he is the only child NOT allowed goggles this term, as he is the only one who cannot swim. He told them he can swim underwater as long as he has his goggles on. They told him swimming underwater is not allowed, unless you can swim on top WITHOUT goggles.

Their reasoning to ds 'if you fall off a boat, you wont have goggles'

For the love of Christ, just give the kid his bloody goggles, once he has learnt to swim, then try swimming without.

[claw2]

This is what concerns me Polter, I don't want them to think because he is now happier that his social skills have improved, as they haven't, quite the opposite.

I see ds avoiding others or situations he finds difficult ie unstructured times, as a temporary solution, WHILE they work on his social skills. They see it as the solution. Kinda of oh ds has stopped feeling persecuted by others, no need for intervention. Where as he hasn't stopped feeling persecuted, quite the opposite, he has had enough of feeling persecuted and has found his own solution ie just don't interact.

[claw2]

I agree Polter, not bossy at all, I appreciate your opinion and its helping me to get things into perspective!

AR report 'ds is happy and confident with his peers in social environments such as break times. His communication is good and he can interact happily in a group. However when ds is in an environment that he does not feel comfortable with, he will not join in with the group or group work, despite encouragement'

Just makes no sense to me! Last term, I got called several times to go and pick him up due to meltdowns and told to keep him at home after him threatening to stab other pupils etc, etc.

This term he is reducing his social interaction in order to cope, that doesn't sound like a happy and confident kid who interacts and communicates happily.

[claw2]

I agree Polter, as long as school are aware he is happy and confident this term due to NOT interacting and communicating at playtimes. As they seem to think he has no problem with interacting and communicating at playtimes, despite previous events.

Him being happy is due to him being able to reduce his interaction, and has happened purely by chance. He can now get away from others and this is what he needs. I want them to recognise this.

[claw2]

I agree Polter, as long as school are aware he is happy and confident this term due to NOT interacting and communicating at playtimes. As they seem to think he has no problem with interacting and communicating at playtimes, despite previous events.

Him being happy is due to him being able to reduce his interaction, and has happened purely by chance. He can now get away from others and this is what he needs. I want them to recognise this.

[OneInEight]

Sorry, the goggles things made me laugh (probably hysterically but laugh none the less). Why can the teachers not see that when dealing with an anxious and rigid child what is needed is a bit of flexibility.

The playtime thing is really difficult. ds2 similarly learned to cope by withdrawing. If I am honest I did very similar at secondary school when I found things difficult. Long term it was not a solution because he actually did want friends and became very depressed.

On the other hand forcing him into the playground with hundreds of other children & magically expecting him to learn social skills didn't work either.

For ds2 what seems to be starting to work is somewhere in the middle where he is given the opportunity to interact with his peers in small numbers and in a heavily supervised environment so that when things start to go wrong they can be sorted out swiftly without the escalation. Although he often still struggles to get into school he comes home happier (most days) and is certainly less depressed at home since being at his new specialist school where this can take place.

I am also with Polter that if the child is happy when they are not interacting then fine let them not interact. ds1 often used to pace the playground which the TA found distressing but actually he found it very calming and was what he needed at playtimes. Our problem with ds2 was that he was not happy.

[claw2]

Oneineight, its little trivial things like the goggles that will build up for ds and make him unhappy again. He ALWAYS start a new term well and it rapidly goes down hill, because of lots of silly little things like goggles.

What you describe is kinda what I was hoping for. For ds to practise social skills in a small controlled environment. But this wont happen why school are thinking he is happy and confident to interact and communicate, when he clearly isn't. If he cannot work in the class, in small groups and feels uncomfortable, what makes them think he can do it in the playground!