Working options with a child with ASD starting reception.

[UpsyDaisysarmpit]

Hi, I just wanted viewpoints please for my DP to see I am not crazy for thinking this way.

We have two children. One is 4 and has ASD (very high anxiety, still fully in nappies, speech delay). She has DLA at HRC and we are about to apply for the mobility element. I also receive carers allowance. She starts school in September and the aim is to start half days and hopefully build up to full days. She was very hard to settle into nursery and it took months of gradual settling in. The other child is 7, has had issues with stress over school for two years (says it is too noisy, can't concentrate) and is very 'explosive'. He has been very hard work at times and a referral to CAMHS was rejected. He is 'fine' at school but brings it home and needs lots of time to decompress. He also takes ages to sleep which along with his sister means that I take often until gone 10pm to be able to sit down. DP doesn't and never has taken part in bedtimes . Recently I suggested he keep DS down with him to spend time with him.as I was struggling with two needy, tantrumming children so he does, but almost every time he just puts a film on for ds and stays on his computer so I am now regretting this as well as missing out on time with ds.

Anyway, he has started telling me and the children how "mummy is going back to work once you two are both at school". I have pointed out that life is difficult, meetings etc that need attending due to DD, fact we might be worse off for a lot of stress etc. I did work part time until DDs separation anxiety made it difficult. I have had to come home early from Slimming clubs and stop going because she won't stop crying. I just don't know how well she will settle etc. He seems to be insinuating that I will be using the time to sit on my backside eating biscuits.

He has recently retrained and now does a job that lets him be back quite a lot earlier, but is poorly paid. He does not do any 'childcare' much of the time and is very reluctant to do even the basic chores even if I have had a bad day and not managed to be downstairs until 11pm. He will cook but then the mess is awful.
I am not saying that I won't work at all - just that it is hard to predict the future right now. Am Isuch a terrible person for eventually losing the plot with him and telling him that he could always be looking for a better paid job with more hours since I do the childcare anyway? And also that if he didn't like what I was saying then he knows where the door is? OK I admit that last bit was harsh but I was getting sick of being treated as a freeloader. I have had to give upa career that I trained hard for because it was incompatible with our situation. I don't even get to use the loo alone (DD has separation anxiety) and I am being treated like I am just leeching off him.

What do other people for for work when their child is school age? I am not against working but I am aware of how much of my resources just taking care of these two takes up, plus all the time I spend dealing with school issues. I don't get a break evenings and weekends to manage the house. And if DD is awake then I am awake - day or night.

[chocisonabikinidiet]

I (Dd with severe asd at primary school and Dd2 at nursery) work all school hours (office based). If I.could afford, I would give up. Dp works long hours, so I end up doing everything: nursery and school runs all week, house work, childcare... I do the a lot of the housework when the kids are asleep (i.e. between 22-midnight). We
have no family near by and no support network. I just do it because I have to.I have zero time to myself. No sport, no chilling out, no socialising....I just function.

[UpsyDaisysarmpit]

Point taken, Poltergoose, and reading through this I realise it all looks bad.
How much work is reasonable to assume I can do? I am aware that he thinks that I somehow am getting one over on him all this time I have had to give up working to be DD's carer. He seems to think he is hard done by because he is the sole wage earner. He doesn't think of the other side of it that although he works 8-5 (most days he is home by 5 actually) and makes meals at the weekends, takes out the wheelie bins and mows the grass (rarely), I do shoulder all of the burden regarding the DCs. I don't believe he has even read DD's statement let alone had a hand in applying for it and negotiating the changes needed to improve it. It depresses me - I feel a lot of the responsibility falls on my shoulders. And yes I am getting sick of it which is why it grates when he acts as though "Phew! Finally she will get off her backside and do some work!". I am exhausted most days. I appreciate that I will have a bit more time once DD is in school but is it wrong to want to wait and see how she settles first? Also am I right to assume that FT work isn't really advisable?

[UpsyDaisysarmpit]

chocisonabikinidiet that sounds hard for you . Thanks to both of you for replying.

[TigerLightBurning]

Things to consider:
School holidays
School Drop offs and pickups.
I work part time. DH drops off I pickup.
We have family to take them for some of the holidays as I do not get enough leave to cover all school hols.
Obviously if you need to pay for breakfast club, after school club and holiday club it often costs so much it is not worth going to work. You could work shifts.to fit in with your partner.

[UpsyDaisysarmpit]

TigerLightBurning
Thanks for your ideas. However, I am pretty sure DD can not be left in any of these types of before/after school club. She took months to settle into nursery school and struggles with being left. She is not even slightly toilet trained (not for lack of trying) She would need a higher ratio than these clubs can manage and she has a statement for full time 1:1 support at school for good reason. So I believe that most forms of childcare are out for her. She would not cope well with the longer days (still need to see if she can cope beyond the 3 hours she's at nursery tbh). She also doesn't really cope with DP watching her too well. She is stuck in her rigid routines and DP would not manage bedtimes because she wouldn't tolerate it.
So I would say any work would need to be during school hours only and very casual because her anxiety levels are huge. I don't think DP realises this as he hasn't had to gear her up for nursery every day and deal with her stressy behaviour.

[Babieseverywhere]

I think you should ask your husband to take a couple of weeks off work and in that time go most all the caring and related housework.

He needs to see what reality is like in your household and if you are going back to work, he will need to do more childcare and housework on top of his current job.

Sit down together and decide which extra duties he will do and that includes a percentage of illness/appointments and anxiety cover fur the children. Then see if a job will fit the list you have left.

I found my husband didn't understand how difficult things had got on the school run with our DS until he did it himself for two weeks. He made light of it to me at the time but brought it up at a recent meeting how difficult it had been for him. He really understood where I was coming from.

[sammythemummy]

Let him try and look after them for 1 day, on how own. I've done that when my DH wasn't pulling his weight as he was "tired" from working. He now helps out a lot more but tbh I have to remind him to do most things, but he has now seen first hand why I need so many lie ins and breaks outside!

My DH also likes to stick something on the laptop or a film, I don't really want to spend my time arguing so I let him...but he does watch it with her and comments on what's happening so at least he's interacting with her.

[tacal]

I have been doing voluntary work. It has given me a chance to see how I can fit work into my life. Ds started school last year. He has high functioning autism and has done really well at school but I have still had to take some time off work and rearrange days at short notice due to ds being anxious or ill.

I also have not been able to work school holidays. When he starts back at school he will be attending after school care one day a week to see how he gets on. He attended their summer club yesterday and got on well. I think he may be ready for it now.

I am just taking things one step at a time. I will soon be starting a new voluntary job that could lead to paid work.

[UpsyDaisysarmpit]

Thanks again for all the posts.
I can see what some of you are saying about leaving DP to it, but because of DD's massively anxious disposition I feel like it would be cruel to her, would not work and DP would definitely accuse me of causing her distress to make a point. And he can also argue that I have it easier than him because she would almost certainly spend the whole time very very upset and stressed out by it. I do agree though that I need to myself have some respite occasionally, but not sure if paid work would improve my stress levels or add to them. Those few hours between dropping and picking DD up at nursery have been a lifeline for me. I needed that time to get basic chores done and make phone calls, do paperwork etc. She is a pleasant child but will scream and disturb any phone or real life conversations I try to make. She is very insistent in needing attention. I think I need to do something for myself but it has to be something that I can rearrange if needs be and something that is during the school day. DD takes up so much time that once she is at school I need to leave the other times free or my DS will miss out on time and he has his own issues.

Is that fair do you think?

[salondon]

So far I have managed to work full time and hire babysitters. However with school it's harder. Going off slightly off tangent but the whole school system seems to be set up around either one carer being around at the drop of the hat or just 'normal' kids who can go to clubs.

Kids with special needs have very few childcare options I feel.

Are you a slimming world/weight watchers etc co-ordinator (for the lack of a better term)? Could you set up a session a week near the school in a hall? That way it's only once a week to begin with and you are close by. You can then build up more hours.

[TigerLightBurning]

I think sometimes you have to give it a go and see how it goes. There are lots of things I thought my son would not have coped with that he loved and thrived from the change.

[TigerLightBurning]

I think sometimes you have to give it a go and see how it goes. There are lots of things I thought my son would not have coped with that he loved and thrived from the change.

[autumnsmum]

Tiger I think to be fair it depends on how severe the child is

[UpsyDaisysarmpit]

I used to do some temporary work a couple of days a week but had to stop when DD was around 2.5 because she wouldn't settle with my mum anymore and was so distressed I had to go home at lunch time one day as my mum was convinced she must be really ill. That didn't go down well with the agency and they found someone else. It was also difficult as my mum often had to cancel on us at the last minute due to ill health or other commitments leaving me having to cancel with the agency. I then did some early evening work once a week but it was so stressful as often things came up and my DM couldn't always help. DP couldn't always get back in time to watch the kids and she didn't settle well.
Salondon no not the coordinator - it was just my attempt to have an hour out once a week to myself but it was unsettling DD to the point she was clingy next day and didn't cooperate with going to nursery then. I have ended up dropping it again because it wasn't worth it then taking her ages to settle for bedtime and the next morning I would be struggling to get her to nursery as she was so upset and this made my DS late too.

[TigerLightBurning]

Sounds like you need to get your DC started at school full-time without worrying about working at the moment.

[tacal]

I agree with tiger. I think you need to concentrate on settling your dd into school before you take on a job, if you can afford to.