SOCIAL WORKERS....JUST HOW DESPARATE DO I HAVE TO BE TO GET THE HELP I NEED?

[mrsforgetful]

A referral was supposed to have been made (heard nothing yet) becasuse my mental health approved social worker felt that there was a 'welfare' need for our family that social services could assist with- i hoped from this to get someone visit me and assess the difficulties we have.

She stressed that this was not because sjhe thinks the kids are 'at risk'....but what exactly is 'at risk'?

Appart from the obvious physically harming a child etc.....(which i lived as a child myself and have not as yet resorted to this)

1)I do not want to take my boys to school
I want them home with me.
2) due to my own depression and their autism related eating problems i struggle getting meals ready
3) i do not take them anywhere-and nor do my husband an i go anywhere alone- as i cannot trust anyone to care for them as none of our families accept the Autism-instead we take turns and go out separately
4)i have contemplated leaving my 7 AND 10 YEAR OLDS 'Home Alone' in order to try and take my youngest out- as he loses out constantley due to the other 2 having such problems with routines etc .I have not done this yet- but the longer my desparation goes on the more tempting it will be to leave them alone- rather than getr a baby sitter

Please tell me if any of this is of concern to social workers- or are you only interested in the children who are abused in other ways

I feel that as things are i am deeply affecting my children and though i do not hurl abuse at them or physically strike out - in my head all these things are going on and i am scared that one day i will stop coping.

[coppertop]

MrsF

I'm not sure how they get away with calling themselves a 'service'.

Is there any way you could contact someone 'higher up' in the SS?

[Jimjams]

I think you need to ask your SW about direct payments. Or post a question on aut-UK- there are adults there with AS and kids who recieve direct payments. What happens is that SS pay you money to employ someone directly to come and help/ First they do a care assessment to see what you need.

[Jimjams]

A couple of friends recieve direct payments as well becuase of their kids needs.

[WSM]

I'm by no means an expert but prior to having DD I worked in Social Services, Learning Disabilities (adults division). I worked directly for the Head of LD in Worcestershire, I can tell you that the letters which came via MP's got acted on VERY rapidly, especially those that came from the particular 'rotweiller' councillors.

I would write to your MP, clearly outlining your current situation and how it is affecting you and your kids, and ask them the help you get the help you need. They will almost certainly have a leeter explaining your situation drafted up and sent on official headed paper to your County council HQ. I tell you, those headed letters (with the Houses of Parliament ooofer-doofer on) really did get the powers that be moving.

[mrsforgetful]

JJ-can I request the care assessment myself?
I am also going to talk to my GP- as she is easy to talk to and as yet not been involved in anything other than my mental health- feel that if i were to visit her with boys in tow that it would quickly be evident that i need help.

[dinosaur]

Mrsforgetful, have you tried calling the National Autistic Society for advice about this? I think they have a helpline.

[nutcracker]

I was going to say, would it help if your g.p contacted them ?? Or a health visitor, anybody with a bit of authority really.

Whilst trying to sort out my housing probs i frequently find that i get nowhere until either my g.p or helath visitor steps in and writes a letter.
Contacting an M.p is a good idea too. I saw one about our housing probs last week and she is now going to contact several agwencies on my behalf to see what else can be done.

Good Luck, hope you get the help you need soon.

[RexandBen]

Mrs F. I am positive that you would qualify for direct payments. You could use the money for someone to babysit or help with dinners etc.

Also you can self-refer to social services I did this by phone - ask for the Childrens Disability Team. They must visit within 7 days (i think) when you do this. They will bring a carers assessment with them and do a detailed questionnaire. we have recently done this in order to try and get some help with Ben (and we planned to use the money towards his tutors but calling them 'carers'

The social worker told us she really didnt think we'd have any chance of getting direct payments but she will put an application in anyway.

But what we DO get is the use of a lovely big hydrotherapy pool completely on our own to book whenever we want. The same goes for a big sensory room with a soft play area. There was a point when we always stayed in because Ben's behaviour was so eratic and Rex was a tiny baby. The thought of going out filled me with absolute dread. But at least we can go swimming now as a family without all the stress of going to the public baths.

They may have similar facilities where you are too - but YOU HAVE TO ASK. Its so crap that this information isnt automatically given to us.

Good luck Mrs F. I really hope things get better for you xx

[jmb1964]

Mrs F - not much to add, really, you've got lots of useful ideas here I hope. I'm sure your GP would be interested to meet/know more about your boys - it might make it easier for her to understand some of your problems?
You sound more low than usual - don't let the 'services' get you down, and remember you're doing a great job already, against a lot of odds. There WILL be people out there who can cope with your sons, it's just a question of identifying them.
Our ds1 is off to the local autistic society playscheme (where he gets one to one help) for the first week of the Easter holidays - a lifesaver as it means we'll be able to get out and about with the others a bit.

[Eulalia]

Sorry to hear you are so down Mrs F...

my understanding is that SS help when there are difficulties and you feel you can't cope.

I have just been referred to SS myself as the last time I went shopping with ds and dd I felt it was the last straw. I spent most of the time running round the supermarket after ds (and I mean running !) I have asked if someone can come with me on these trips but we'll just have to see. dh works all and every weekend and during the week so I am with my kids 24 hrs a day except for the 12.5 hrs a week that ds is at nursery. the HV referred me and if she feels that is bad enough then you would be more than justified. Your GP would also be a good idea.

My other ideas are to use my DLA/CA money to get help from an specialist agency (often these are people who work for SS anyway). They can be quite expensive though - maybe £8 an hour but useful if you just felt at the end of your tether.

I have just started getting help from a volunteer 2 hours a week - this is a charity (so I don;t pay) who help out families with yoiung children. so may be an idea to see if anything like this is running in your area.

What about an after school club for your older kids so you can spend time with your youngest?

Good luck

[3mum]

Mrs F, I'm so sorry to hear that you are feeling so down. I always look out for your posts as I have an Aspergers 6 year old (we have exchanged emails after you kindly sent me the video of My Family and Autism).

What strikes me is that you sound very depressed and sometimes that makes everything seem like a mountain.

I second all the good advice you have been given. Do it all. Make an appointment now to see your GP and HV and explain to him/her exactly what life is like for you and point out that absent some help you will eventually break down. Be specific about what you need. Sometimes people need to be forcefully pointed in the right direction before they are of use.

I agree you should write to your MP. My experience has also been that anything with the magic letterhead on does help and bizarrely some MPs are extremely helpful (sometimes the most unlikely ones) and really can open doors.

Look in Yellow Pages for Higher Education colleges near you and find out if any of them are doing childcare qualifications eg diploma in childcare(many do). Students on these courses need work experience and I know a mum who had sterling part time help from a series of students all for free. Special needs children are a big tick in the box for these students so I bet you find some help.

About your youngest. It may seem the wrong way round but could he go to nursery/ playgroup part time to give him some time doing things with other children? That would take the emphasis off you.

About your eldest two, I understand the desire to keep them at home because I often feel like that too, but you need some time too. Would their schools agree to them attending part time?

Hang on in there and just keep saying to yourself, its just a crap patch and nothing lasts forever.

Take care.

[mrsforgetful]

Thankyou to all of you- needed to read this as this afternoon leigh had a meltdown cos Alex had erased all his game saves on the playstation- and for the 1st time i was painfully aware how leighs meltdowns scare alex - and in this case moreso as all the anger was directred at him. i was torn between the 2 of them- and then i went to unpack thomas's school bag and again he had eaten no lunch- he had been asked to do some ICT errands at school and had forgot to go to luncch.

I spoke to the Ed Welfare officer for their school and she says she will speak to the head about my concerns (i just have to write a 'summary' of the problems!) and then she will arrange a meeting with her,the head and me.....but i didn't feel any 'warmth' through the phone....so am not expecting miracles.

Tomorrow i WILL call social services and ask for the assement.
If it is agreed that we qualify....can i really pay somone to help my son at lunchtimes?

thanks againX

[KatieMac]

Good Luck
I'm a childminder and I have an 8yo delivered to my door @12.05 each day and collected at 12.55 by a SS taxi - All I do is give him lunch in surroundings that he can cope with....This is week 2 and it seems to be working - apparently his work in the classroom is also better because he was always dreading lunchtime.
Hope something is sorted out by SS soon (do you think the similarity of their initials and the Nazi SS are similar by design or accident?)

[Davros]

Rexandben is right about who to contact and what to ask for only it doesn't necessarily have to be a carer's assessment, that is usually extra to your child's assessment which is the key thing, basically you're being assessed for respite. You do not have to be "at risk" or in any sort of dire situation other than having a child with disabilities who takes more looking after. You CAN get direct payments but it depends on being awarded X hours first. DPs are mandatory for all parents if they request them (that social worker is wrong and doesn't know what she is talking about). Don't waste money on agencies, find someone direct. You need to get booklet ref 31213/A Parents' Guide to Direct Payments from Dept of Health Publications at 08701 555455 or [email protected]

[ScummyMummy]

Good luck, Mrs F. Just tell it like it is to the Children with Disabilities team and the general team (is that where your SW referred you?)and see what they can offer. Hope you meet some good social workers who can help. Sadly you may have more luck accessing services with the general district teams as the criteria for entry on the kids disability register can be so stringent that it excludes aspergers in some areas (bit like statementing, I guess). Many areas are developing new family support teams within their children and families sections to offer support to families BEFORE they reach total crisis point- might be worth asking about?

[Davros]

SM is right, your child does need to be on the SS Disabled Register and they are not always very clear about how this is run. The parents in my district found out some time ago that we are "scored" at assessments and this informs whether our child is eligible for the register and access to some services. Its called a Functional Needs Assessment. They had never told parents about it, discussed their scoring or the actual figure they arrived at. I know someone whose daughter was removed as her score went down as she was flogging herself half to death getting her lots of therapies etc. We are still in "discussion" about FNAs and asking for more transparency.

[mrsforgetful]

DAVROS/SCRUMMY MUMMY- you have given me alot of info- now i will try and do something with it.

Katiemac- it is brilliant to hear from someone who is actually providing the kind of service that i only dreamt of- why does noone tell parents what is there if it is needed- i am sure some parents wouldn't dream of using some services available- because they are managing or have excellent family support- so it's not as if everyone with a disabled child would 'milk the system'-my 'worst' dilema is that of having relations who are ready and willing to care for my boys- but who see Leigh as miserable and selfish (some call him "The Whinger"Thomas (told to his face that he 'Talks a load of crap'(due to his AS monologues....and then NT Alex who is called 'The Git'....Leigh in addition has eating phobia/sensory issues and my MIL has no understanding of this so will say "I'll ram this down your throat if you don't bl**dy eat it".....so on one hand it could be seen that i have help at my fingertips- but i question the 'care' my boys would get in these places.

I would rather 'pay' for a 'stanger' to meet my boys and become a 'surrogate family carer' rather than set them up to be teased at best or ridiculed at worst

So even at 'worst' if we did not qualify for 'direct payments' to benefit from social services recommending people experienced to care for my boys as well as i do (yess- despite it all i do know deep down i care for my boys as best as i can) -but hopefully they can 'add' extras to their livess which i find difficult to give ddue to my owwn mental health

[artistmum]

This thread has been very useful to me, what a lot of helpful advice you've all posted! Having read all this, I'm going to finally chase social services for a disability social worker, as son and I are both disabled, which can make life very hard when we're both having a bad day. (Does that mean they'll send around 2 seperate people, one from child services, and one from adult services????)

One thing which I've just been told is available locally, and which may well be available in other areas, is a special needs sitting service, to give carers a few hours respite. contact your local carer's group and see if there's anything similar available?

[mrsforgetful]

can you keep in touch about how you get on as a week ago i referred myself to the Social Services and as yet no news! Still what's 7 days in my life?!!

[lars]

Just read your thread mrsforgetful hope all goes well. It sounds like you should be getting some help, like you say why didn't social services,etc inform you of this earlier this could make all the difference to you. Just to let you know a neighbour of mind gets the direct payment for her DS who has asphergers and I would say your needs appear far higher- good luck Larsxx

[lars]

Excuse spellings long day that was suppose to read neighbour of mine- larsxx