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WHAT TO DO ABOUT A VIOLENT CHILD ?

(25 Posts)
NoMoreLies Sat 03-May-14 17:37:10

Ncd for this as its so distressing.

my child has terrible behaviour problems.

child is 14. had problems since birth, has a number of disabilities, father (not around) was violent (is serving a long sentence in jail) so child has some dna traits.plus father was very abusive to both of us.

child bought up by me but not a badly brought up child.brought up in a solid fair Christian household.

but

1- cant seem to forget the abuse as a baby. in fact memories sharper as child is growing up.

2- teenage hormones.

3- other mental disabilities and learning difficulties (will not disclose other problems as may out me, suffice to say they are mainly mental problems).

is now home taught as schools could/would not cope with violent behaviour.

CAMHS and other services completely useless and will not help with child-anger management and learning to cope with the outbursts.theyve all dismissed child and not given any other options.

child is like Jeckyl and Hide, one minute sweet as a nut and the next.....

is punching and hitting me, half an hour ago kicked me in the stomach. outbursts just happen, no triggers sometimes.

child has been sent to room to calm down but I cant think of any other stratergies.

called police once after a beating from child, they said does it happen often? what can I say?

child is well brought up, not a badly dragged up thug/thugette (will not disclose gender) it is their medical condition mainly that makes them violent.

child does not watch anything innapropriate on tv/movies, does not listen to anything innapropriate, nothing remotely scary/violent playstation games, nothing.

Im scared child will really injure me as they get older, its bad enough now and no one will help. got no other family.

police said if it happens again either a young offenders place (child is NOT an offender) or a mental hospital.

cant bear the prospect of that, I think it would make child worse.
)

PolterGoose Sat 03-May-14 17:48:30

When you say 'mental problems' does your child have diagnoses of mental health conditions?

What techniques are you using?

Have you considered a residential school placement?

How old was your child when dad went?

I don't believe that violence is genetic, it's almost always either learned behaviour or linked to loss of control and inability to behave in a more pro-social manner.

You could contact your local Youth Offending Team and talk to someone who does preventative work, services vary but it is something perhaps 'new' to try.

nennypops Sat 03-May-14 18:47:16

Does your child have a statement and a social services care plan?

OneInEight Sat 03-May-14 19:02:31

If you haven't already I would try and get social services involved (a) To give you some respite and (b) They may be able to refer you to agencies e.g. Spurgeons that can offer some behavioural management support.

It might also be worth considering the medication route - but you would have to reengage with CAMHS for this and it sounds like they have not been very helpful so far.

Ultimately, behaviour management techniques depend on how much control your child has over his behaviour. For my sons their worst behaviour occurs when they have high anxiety about something so we try to manage by reducing the anxiety rather than punishing.

NoMoreLies Sat 03-May-14 19:10:48

social services just pass the buck to Camhs who pass the buck back etc etc etc.

will not offer respite nor will child go with anyone else, relies 100% on me.

child has diagnosis of mental helath problems, , AS amongst other problems.

residential is completely out of the question, has too many needs and requirements. only I can do and only things child will only let me do.

we have tried.

child is NOT a youth offender, they are disabled, not a yobbo/yobesse.

childs calmed down now and came back with tail between legs! knows they've done wrong but cant control when they do it nor can stop at the time. did not punish child but child needs to learn they cant hurt people.

PolterGoose Sat 03-May-14 19:19:15

I didn't call your child a thug or a yob, but clearly you've already spoken to the police and you are worried about your child causing serious harm, which would be an offence.

PolterGoose Sat 03-May-14 19:21:24

Honestly, you need to address your child's refusal to work with any other adult, that needs to be a priority in case something happens to you.

PolterGoose Sat 03-May-14 19:27:58

Sorry, I'm coming across really arsey and that wasn't my intention, it sounds impossible for you and I'm wondering if we've chatted on the boards before? I think your shouty title set a tone for me. Lots of us here have children who behave violently, you're not alone in that flowers

thornrose Sat 03-May-14 19:38:52

I have a 14 yr old dd has AS and can be extremely violent but only towards me. I have found CAMHS to be useless but that is because they have deemed dd's issues not to be MH. You say your child does have MH issues so they should offer help!

It is soul destroying, I have given up on punishment, it does not make any difference.

Re triggers, when I go back over events with a fine tooth comb there is always a trigger, however tenuous. My dd says herself 'do you really think I would do this if I could help it?' that is what keeps me going.

What generally happens before an explosion?

minionmadness Sat 03-May-14 19:48:34

It all sounds pretty overwhelming at the moment. I too have a child that behaves violently and it happens very much in the moment... he's only 6 though, but we are working really hard to find ways to help him (too may glimpses into the future to him being 16 and still like this) and it is gradually improving, albeit very slowly.

We all parent differently, but the fact that you say your child understands they have done wrong suggests that they may also capable of understanding that actions have consequences.

This is one of the strategies that is helping me, it's tough when you know that sanctions will result in another outbursts, but I push on and stand my ground. I don't sweat the verbal outbursts (bigger fish to fry)but have zero tolerance on violence and there is a consequence every time.

I'm not a single parent, though my DH works away for two/three weeks at a time, so I'm mainly on my own.

I also agree with polter with regards to working towards your child tolerating others doing things for them. I would see that as a priority. It won't be easy, then nothing worth achieving ever is.

DippyDooDahDay Sun 04-May-14 09:56:31

Hi, can I join? My ds is 6' has aspergers diagnosis, and is punching and kicking me. He wears 10 year old clothes and is tremendously strong in rage. I was about to start a thread then I saw this one. I am divorced from their volatile dad who is not often around. Other ds is 4 and gets upset by his brothers behaviour. His triggers are people saying no or just not being in control. Major incidents can come out of minor tiny issues. I have supportive parents but don't live with them. They have experienced some of this too, but not at school. Help! It's really getting me down. Op, you sound massively patient. I shudder to think this could be me in another seven years. Is your dc getting counselling? Relate young peoples project?

PolterGoose Sun 04-May-14 10:08:00

Dippy it might be with starting your own thread as strategies for a 6yo are going to be different to those with a 14yo smile

OneInEight Sun 04-May-14 10:17:38

The other thing you could try is to get back into the education system,

Yes, mainstream schools can not cope and should not be expected to cope with extreme violent behaviour but there are specialist schools out there that can and do and more importantly can teach your child appropriate behaviour management techniques. ds1 is a shining example of how behaviour can improve with appropriate support (he is in an EBD special school and also AS).

Your first step might be to try and get your child statemented - even if the child is currently home educated there is no reason why you can not apply for statutory assessment. It sounds like there is enough evidence to warrant assessment.

Trying to get support from social services can be very frustrating but persistence does pay off. The more independent people you can get to refer the better. Did the police make a referral for instance when they were called? In our experience they were the one group of people that social services actually paid attention to!

NoMoreLies Sun 04-May-14 17:00:43

thanks all.

child is statemented. was in special schools supposed to deal with childs condition and they couldn't. tried 3 different schools.

home teaching is no problem at all, child much calmer with this arrangement.

PWP is supportive and also agrees this is best solution for child. as do the education board.

police DID send report to SS and Camhs AND GP to no avail.police were lovely and said its all theycan do as 'power' taken out of their hands by the SS who don't help at all.

child can tolerate if we go out and needs to see GP or whoever (was brilliant at the opticians the other day, very chatty and responsive) and has a couple of friends (although needs total supervision as can suddenly react and lash out).

I have tried every avenue going and would appreciate any strategies you with 'difficult' children apply, in your homes, by you.

thank you.

PolterGoose Sun 04-May-14 17:45:34

I use a mix of sensory techniques, CBT, the collaborative problem solving approach of Ross Greene who wrote 'The Explosive Child' and a little bit of solution focused therapy, a hotch potch of methods really but it's working.

These might be helpful:

Lives in the Balance

Challenging Behaviour Foundation

Scope article on challenging behaviour

PDA Links

Books

Attwood's Aspergers and Girls

Aspergers in Pink

The Out of Sync Child

The Explosive Child

NoMoreLies Sun 04-May-14 17:56:22

thank you so much Poltergoose .

I cant find that book The explosive child anywhere, been looking for it for ages.

do you let your child punch something -ie- a cushion or something to get rid of aggression or do you think calming music or something works better?

The only thing slightly working at the moment is letting child take it out on a large cushion we have (rather that than me or a door)and then going to lie on their bed to let them start breathing normally again. As child is doing that I tell child im making them a cup of tea (deccaff, no sugar!) and when they are ready they can come and have it.

NoMoreLies Sun 04-May-14 17:58:30

btw child is male or female, if male would assume books for boys available too?

but may be female!

PolterGoose Sun 04-May-14 18:19:18

Well, if child not a girl ignore! I have the links saved in a document and didn't edit very well this time blush

My focus is on ds learning the signs he is going to explode, we talk a lot about the physical signs (eg tingling, funny tummy) and cognitive (eg descending into thinking negative thoughts) and then working out what might help. The talking is done when he's calm and responsive, which isn't very often! There's some good practical stuff in 'The Asperger Children's Toolkit' book and Linda Miller's 5P approach might be helpful.

Mine doesn't punch cushions, I try to encourage him to either do deep pressure/heavy work, or other things he finds calming (eg spinning, swinging, lava lamp, pushing/pulling, tearing paper sometimes).

NoMoreLies Sun 04-May-14 19:54:04

thanks for suggestions. At school theyd tell child to go outside and run around playground a bit to release energy but that didn't work, child got worse!

thanks again.thanks

AgnesDiPesto Sun 04-May-14 21:04:57

Have you thought about using an ABA consultant who comes and works with you at home? It would be expensive but given any option is expensive the LA may be prepared to consider funding it especially if it was seen as a step towards some sort of reintegration into outside world.
Are you in England?
I would seriously consider getting legal advice about social services decision and see if can challenge it. Its not reasonable or sustainable to leave you in this situation.

MeirEyaNewAlibi Mon 05-May-14 01:16:44

I'm highly impressed with the youth offending team.
Focus is on changing dangerous or criminal behaviours.
Properly multidisciplinary. Usually have a mental health worker, for those dc where that's the root cause. They don't keep pass the buck, which makes a change.

MeirEyaNewAlibi Mon 05-May-14 01:22:53

YOT might also put you in touch with the community safety / domestic violence team who can sometimes do panic alarms etc. I'm not saying your son/daughter is a 'real criminal' but that doesn't exclude you both from this help.

Most young offenders aren't what I'd call real criminals anyway. Those in custody have a huge (really huge) prevalence of ASD, ADHD, learning disability, previous head injury, dyslexia... shame education failed and it took the criminal justice system to look after them and discover it.

NoMoreLies Mon 05-May-14 10:05:55

thank you.

henryhsmum Wed 07-May-14 00:49:02

Does child have an ADHD diagnosis and if so have you tried meds? My DS had an ASD diagnosis first and ADHD 2 years later. Although his ADHD is moderate to severe it was not acknowledged for ages because school insisted he did not have it. It was only thanks to an excellent CAMHS behaviorust referring us that he for the ADHD diagnosis. The psychiatrist commented that very often when co morbid with other conditions ADHD is missed. For my DS the meds base all the difference and behaviour therapy. He has gone through phases of pushing me but he is not generally violent, more hyper and loud than violent but not in a rude way, just too much energy!

NoMoreLies Wed 07-May-14 19:43:34

Yes child has dioagnosis.
Thank you all for your input, I was thinking it was my fault child gets the way they do, I know I try my best.

im going back to my regular nn so if I don't post here anymore please don't think Ive abandodned it! ill read through.

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