Our SN area is not a substitute for expert advice. While many Mumsnetters have a specialist knowledge of special needs, if they post here they are posting as members, not experts. There are, however, lots of organisations that can help - some suggestions are listed here. If you've come across an organisation that you've found helpful, please tell us. Go to Special needs chat, Parents with disabilities, SN teens, SN legal, SN education, SN recommendations.

Do I take dd2 to my mums wedding?

(30 Posts)
autumnsmum Tue 18-Mar-14 07:40:46

Morning everyone ! I have a dilemma I want some honest mnsn advice on please , no one in rl is likely to give me an honest answer . My mum is remarrying in August which I am really happy about . Dp has depression and agoraphobia so he can't come . I will have to manage dd1 , ds who has high functioning autism
And high anxiety and dd2 who is autistic and although she will be almost 5. Functions at the level of a 2 year old . I am very worried she will become distressed as she is terrified of strangers and strange places . Social stories would be hopeless as she doesn't understand them do I bring her or leave her with dp ? I will be really sad not to bring her but would it be the best thing. ? Honest opinions pls thanks in advance

LastingLight Tue 18-Mar-14 08:36:43

I would leave dd2 with dp. It sounds like the best decision for her as you won't be exposing her to a situation she might find very distressing. It sounds like the right decision for you as you will be able to enjoy the wedding without having to worry about and potentially deal with a terrified child.

autumnsmum Tue 18-Mar-14 08:38:52

Thank you for the reply lasting I appreciate it ! It does seem the best course of action but it is making me v sad at the same time

Jacksterbear Tue 18-Mar-14 08:40:38

I would leave her at home too.

GoodnessKnows Tue 18-Mar-14 08:42:28

Could you have wedding tea at your house after the wedding (and honeymoon?) and create an opportunity to create the things you'd most like her to experience but at her own pace / in her comfort zone? Special cake? Special dress? Photos? Hope this isn't too silly a suggestion. Does sound like you'd be stressed to take both DCs with, sad as it is. In your experience, are u usually right to have been worried when anxious about taking both girls somewhere you've second thoughts about?

WandaDoff Tue 18-Mar-14 08:43:00

I would leave her with DP, she'll end up distressed & screaming & you sound like you'll have enough on your hands with the other two.

I do understand, I've got a 4 yo DD with Autism who functions at about the same level & I broke into a cold sweat just thinking about it.

Jacksterbear Tue 18-Mar-14 08:47:30

Slightly different but my DBro got married in Australia when my ds was a toddler and we left him at home with pils. We didn't know the extent of his difficulties then but we knew he was a difficult, high maintenance, over-sensitive child who wouldn't cope well with the journey or the event itself. None of us would have been able to enjoy the wedding!

autumnsmum Tue 18-Mar-14 08:47:30

Goodness that's a brilliant idea!wandadoff thank you

magso Tue 18-Mar-14 08:48:58

Well it's a few months away so if you really want all three to be there, there is time to plan. Perhaps a quiet secure space or room to escape to when things get too much, preferably with a familiar trusted carer or rota of relatives who know your dc well to take over. If the space is local, some vists to get used to the facility and see what is needed might be helpful. Alternatively you could think of other ways to involve your dd2 without actually taking her to the ceremony.

autumnsmum Tue 18-Mar-14 08:50:55

Thank you all I've just remembered she's terrified of photos and also I've not met the grooms family so I would be doing a lot of explaining ! Ds is enough on his own

autumnsmum Tue 18-Mar-14 08:52:40

Magso sadly the wedding is in the midlands and were in London but I love the idea of the activities

WandaDoff Tue 18-Mar-14 09:02:15

I hope you have a lovely time & get to spend some quality time with the other two. Hopefully you will be able to enjoy it rather than enduring it. smile

I bet DD2 will enjoy DH undivided attention so don't feel guilty.

WandaDoff Tue 18-Mar-14 09:03:23

The wedding tea idea is lovely.

autumnsmum Tue 18-Mar-14 09:03:57

Thank you Wanda! I do feel guilty but I bet she will have a great time with dad .

WandaDoff Tue 18-Mar-14 09:10:52

A much better time than she'd be having at a wedding in a strange place, wearing a new outfit with new people & noise & cameras etc.

Leaving her at home with Dad is the best decision for her.

So go & enjoy yourself without any guilt.

I do hope the other two behave grin

homework Tue 18-Mar-14 18:06:25

I agree that she has a lovely weekend with her dad , and you use now till then to prepare the other two children , ensuring that they have a safe place to go when they need a bit of time out.
A close family relative or friend that can help with supervision if your unable to sort them at that prise moment should be allocated , so children can develop some trust in them , before everything kicks off , try clothes on , for few days before so they don't feel so new and irritable .
Comfortable clothing for the children after main event and photos , to reduce there irritation if they find clothes annoying .
Ensure there is food and drinks they like in there chill zone , that there is something food wise they eat on the menu.
You have plenty of time to think things though and get dd2 a little present for being so good whilst you been away.

PolterGoose Tue 18-Mar-14 18:52:02

Agree with others, let her stay home.

homework'a advice is spot on

autumnsmum Tue 18-Mar-14 19:08:43

Thank you all again I know deep down leaving her at home is right but it just makes her difficulties even clearer . Ds will need a lot of support so it would be impossible taking both younger ones

salondon Tue 18-Mar-14 22:03:03

I have a lump in my throat Imagining myself in your position. Hugs

autumnsmum Tue 18-Mar-14 22:08:50

Salondon thank you that means more to me than you can imagine thank you

zzzzz Tue 18-Mar-14 22:42:42

If the wedding is somewhere you can get a room I'd take them all and a friend/nanny. I'd create a safe place in the room with familiar DVDs snacks and screens and let them pop in and out of the proceedings.

We come as a job lot on the whole.

autumnsmum Tue 18-Mar-14 22:44:11

Zzzz. Thank you job lot made me smile!

claw2 Wed 19-Mar-14 08:13:50

I would have no qualms about leaving ds at home, he wouldn't want to go and wouldn't enjoy it. It would be a bit like asking him to eat a plate of worms!

autumnsmum Wed 19-Mar-14 08:28:54

Thank you claw I suppose it's that silly thing about expectation . It shouldn't matter but dd1 was a bridesmaid at a wedding when she was a few months older than dd2 and it has really focused on how severe her difficulties are

OddFodd Wed 19-Mar-14 08:38:07

I've had to manage my fantasies of what family life would be like because DS just doesn't enjoy things like weddings/shows/festivals. And if he has a meltdown, then I don't have a good time either. And I know that's really a sad thing to have to acknowledge.

Like claw said, it's like making him eat a plate of worms - he'd just hate it and actually I'd end up feeling awful having made him go through it.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now