3 yr old DS, HFA. PRT playgroup with no other DC or mainstream Montessori ?

[TrucksAndDinosaurs]

Hi,
After your thoughts really. DS was dx HFA aged 2.3 yrs in March this year. He's been attending a Playgroup run by SALT centre with SALT and PRT staff with a Montessori teacher - so basically a preschool for children with Autism or speech/communicate challenges, small group of 4-6 kids aged 2-4, high staff:DC ratio.

It's perfect and he's doing great there but is currently the only child! All others moved on to kindegarten or moved away.

DS is highly verbal but script-y and has eye contact/joint attention/social issues. So time with other DC is v important.

I do 2-3 play dates a week and take him to tumble tots and a soft play place. He's an only child. We live abroad and fund all this privately.
We also pay for an EDSM play therapy session at home once a week. And take DS to a SN toddler soccer group.


I just don't know what to do: the playgroup leader says they will carry on even with just one child and hopes a new batch will join too. But should I be putting DS with other children in a
Mainstream preschool eg: Montessori with neurotypical peers (but no additional support) or leave him where he is, with highly motivated, skilful adults playing with him beautifully, encouraging wonderful communication breakthroughs - but no other children?

What would you do?

Thanks /)

[Ineedmorepatience]

It sounds as if you are doing social stuff alongside the nursery but I can see your dilema.

He is still little so you would probably be ok to wait a while and see if others join the group.

What is he like with other children during your other activities ?

Good luck whatever you decide

[Lesley25]

if he is doing beautifully, i would leave him there. the social side can be achieved through the play dates. its the 1:1 skilled support at this age which can make a real difference.

[TrucksAndDinosaurs]

Thanks for replies. I am a bit wary of him spending all HUD time playing with adults/parents or alone, but on balance it's better I guess that he breaks down, learns, internalised and practices play/social skills that he doesn't naturally have when he's little, as other NT children will always be there. I think after a year of special help he will be much better able to handle kindegarten at 4.

If he goes to ms preschool now I think he won't get any help at all. He will be the boy scripting away in the sandpit by himself. Teachers won't do much: he's no bother, not hurting himself or anyone, not distressed. Just not socialising. Or learning how to. :(

The play date thing isn't much help really as he just wanders off and plays with the other child's toys, appropriately but little parallel play. Too young for collaborative play but he's not exposed to anything like the hubbub of a busy little preschool.

I will keep him where he is I think and cross my fingers he catches up and catches on when he's 4 and starts kindegarten properly. No worries on the academics, he is mad to learn stuff and is clearly clever. It's just the social stuff - imitating, following, showing, requesting, etc.

It's being a child who wants to play with other children that we need to work on.

:(

[TrucksAndDinosaurs]

The school is not in UK.
We can't pay someone to attend and stay with him.
The school class sizes are 8 children.
There are 3 classes, mixed age.
It's trad Montessori.

[TrucksAndDinosaurs]

I haven't asked them. I should, but I don't think we could find or fund a person to stay with him every day at the preschool. It would also mark him out as different to children and parents forever. I live on a small island and everything is gossip. I'm not sure that 1:1 in a school is what DS needs, he's more Aspergers than anything: he's v high functioning - very independent. It's a bit of a conundrum really because he's spending so much time with parents and adults and not much with other kids. I will talk to the school and ask if I can watch for a few hours to see if he could cope.

[TrucksAndDinosaurs]

Hyperlexia, precocious language, but they don't dx AS here due to DSM changes. Appropriate play, imaginative play, v high scores for receptive and expressive language - low eye contact. Scripting is for own amusement or to chill out. Pr

[TrucksAndDinosaurs]

...oops. Pronoun reversal is main symptom of language disorder.

The issue with gossip here is that, lets assume DS goes mainstream and wants to make friends/ be invited to birthdays and

[TrucksAndDinosaurs]

Bloody phone,

And play dates as he gets

[TrucksAndDinosaurs]

Older. Him having a 1:1 assistant will forever mark him out amongst peers and parents of peers. That's his future. Pro

[TrucksAndDinosaurs]

Fucking phone. Sorry. Shit.

I want to DS to have chances of being a normal boy.putting him in with peers but with an assistant attached to him means his ASD is known, talked about and I'm sorry to say, used against him or us. I am trying to protect his future as well as enrich his present. I am hoping intensive early work will give him the skills and confidence to go mainstream and have friends and be just a quirky, cheerful boy in the class - not marked out as special needs.

[TrucksAndDinosaurs]

He got a dx because he has autism. From a board certified clinical psych after paediatrician referral following mchat concerns at 2 yr check. The usual full battery of tests. CARS, etc, can't remember all the names.

The prob is we not in UK. No friends, family, support network - that's all in UK. My friends and family love and accept all of us.

We are expats and dependent on fitting in to have any hope of social acceptance for us as a family. People here will not hesitate to gossip, judge and body swerve their precious DC from hanging out with the only SN boy in the class. They will make no effort to befriend us or him. Why bother?

Why are we here? DH career and easy, if expensive access to gold standard early intervention for DS. I will put up with any amount of loneliness for me but I have to try to get friends for DS. That means making play dates. Being pleasant. Fitting in. Not giving bitches the chance to write him off at 3. It won't matter that he had an assistant when he's grown but our life is here now and for the next few years and it does matter if his difference is so obvious as the boy who needed a helper all the time.

[TrucksAndDinosaurs]

It's not like the UK. There is no SN parents community.
People here buy expensive services.
Or not, and their kids founder.
People don't talk about or accept SN.
I don't have that much work to do on my attitudes to durability, I hope, though I'm still frightened and grieving about DS dx but people here have a hell of a lot of work to do on theirs - and little reason to bother to try.

DS needs social contact with other kids in order to learn and grow. Therefore I have to sort that out for him in the absence of any existing network (we came here knowing nobody when he was a baby). I have to cover it up for now to have any chance at all of people accepting him/us and hope that later, once we are accepted, they will continue to accept and engage.

It sounds bleak because it is. I would love to not have to hide, to confide and ask for help but we need to make friends first. I need to stay positive or I will slip back down - things have just started to get better for us and I'm trying to stay hopeful and belatedly make some kind of life here. The first 2 years were hell: DS had major sleep issues and I was too exhausted to function let alone make friends, no help with childcare so just in survival mode.

[TrucksAndDinosaurs]

Durability - disability.

[TrucksAndDinosaurs]

Other children: 2 left country.
2 gone to kindergarten. One m/s (has cp but is nt) other to special school. DS always presented as pretty much nt compared to the other boys who were variously non verbal/ very sensory seeking/ came over as clearly autistic.

It is noteworthy that during time there were other kids there the parents barely acknowledged each other at pick up. They scuttled away looking embarrassed.
And that sets the tone.
And tbh DS needs exposure to nt kids.
He sees the SN kids at soccer.
They are non verbal.
He is very verbal.
They stim. Scream. Don't engage.
He doesn't.


I would like him to at least have a fucking chance to have nt friends.

I don't know about school yet.
He's down for m/s but he's not even 3: I will see what pans out. I just want to try to fit in first, while he's so little and getting so much help its our best shot.

[TrucksAndDinosaurs]

I want him to learn how to play and practice social skills: NT kids are his best shot for that.

Lets not get melodramatic about a life of hiding and lying.
Right now DS needs to play with other kids.
He deserves a chance to try mainstream kindegarten.
We all need a chance to find our feet.
We may find our future is only friendships with SN families but he's not even 3: we can cast our net wider at first. We don't have any friends here yet so it's easier to start with everyone rather than just SN kids. We already do SN soccer
And SN preschool. No play dates forthcoming.

What is wrong with wanting him to learn to play with nt kids?
He may well be able to cope and surprise us all.
They have better play skills.
He can learn stuff from them.
And we might be able to find friends as a family and then we can talk about his dx and get support.