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Schools concerns over DD4

(11 Posts)
kyz1981 Mon 21-Oct-13 18:00:39

Backround -I have a DS 3 who has ASD/SPD and a Lang disorder and a 4yr old NT DD.

I went to my DD's first parent evening tonight and they have some concerns- I am bit shocked TBH and just trying to get my head round things but I will try and explain how the teachers explained it to me.

They have said DD is very literal, hates to be wrong and can get upset and panic if she feels like she may get something wrong.

That she is quite anxious at times but at others is completely all over the place but loves rules and pretty much is very happy to do as she told and once she is told to do something does not tend to deviate from it.

They said she is very organised and appears to be a perfectionist, but panics when she is put on the spot in case she has got something wrong.

That she finds it difficult to make choices in case she gets it wrong, and will observe other children before attempting to copy and join in.

They said as an example that in circle time all the children were asked what there favorite item of clothing to wear was, every one said something and It came to my DD's turn and she said socks, the teacher asked if it was a special pair of socks and DD replied no the ones I have got on.

They have said they will keep an eye on her and if she does not appear to settle and it be teething problems that they would ask the senco to call me.

The school do know that DS is ASD and they seemed to think that this helped them understand her more.

I am in a right state- are these things I have added to by keeping routines in our house as static because of my son or passed my anxiety on to her about keeping things just so because of DS or are these that perhaps I have missed being as she is so much higher functioning and a girl than my DS.

I also have no clue what I am supposed to do now- does anyone have any ideas for dealing with the types of issues described above? Could this all be teething problems- I had no idea this was going to happen and feel very shocked and emotional.

PolterGoose Mon 21-Oct-13 18:17:19

flowers

I'm sure you know that there's a higher chance of having an ASD if you have a sibling with it, so that's a possibility and if that were the case it's very probable that all the adapting and stuff you do for ds has benefited her too. On the other hand she might be a typically developing child going through 'normal' starting school finding her feet worries. Either way, it's great that school have noticed and that you're her mum, because you know what to do to support her and get her assessed if need be.

kyz1981 Mon 21-Oct-13 18:44:52

Yeah I kind of thought that could be the case- but she is so different from most of the symptoms of Aspergers I had ruled it out and she would not raise enough concerns yet to justify an assessment down the NHS route.

I will speak to my DS SALT who is great and see what she suggests I do.

I think my biggest worry at the moment is I have made her like this/ caused it through our routines for DS and my anxiety around taking him out and him melting down/ loosing control and ultimately my parenting.

Polter I have no idea how to support her at the moment as I am worried by over compensating or not knowing what it is I am supposed to do.
I will make her anxiety levels/perfectionism worse. She has always needed reassurance from people that all is ok and good from a very young age - I guess I had put all this down to personality type- but now I am worried.

PolterGoose Mon 21-Oct-13 18:52:36

There is absolutely nothing wrong in a child seeking reassurance, I'm sure there's probably a poetic way of saying it or some clever analogy, but we cannot become independent if we don't feel secure first. I really do think it is highly unlikely you have caused these issues (which might not be issues at all!). Typically developing kids need very little to progress: only quite serious neglect will halt development to a noticeable degree. Your dd is only little, she could well have some traits, she very likely has a determined sort of personality (my favourite sort grin) and it isn't unusual for very bright girls to behave in these types of ways.

Again, just in case you missed it - it's not your fault flowers

kyz1981 Mon 21-Oct-13 19:51:51

Polter Thanks that has helped so much- I think I was in shock - I expected to be in and out with everyone saying how great she was doing, that when that did not happen I was floored TBH.

Have spoken to DH and he thinks that they are probably being a bit OTT and a bit more worried as he thinks some of the things may well have been down played/ not so much of an issue, if they had not known about DS ASD.
They did ask a lot of questions about DS and his ASD.

That said she has always been a bit quirky especially with some sensory things and I think at the moment all I can do is reassure her and try and make her transition in to school as stress free as possible and speak to school again in a month or so.

I am also kind of glad that the school have raised it and not me as when I have had conversations about DD's quirks with family - I have always been told that I am worrying over nothing as they compare her with DS.

So thanks again.

PolterGoose Mon 21-Oct-13 19:55:44

As you probably know, waiting lists take forever, if she has some sensory issues then get her referred to OT, it might be over a year before you see anyone anyway so use what you know about the system to get things started ASAP.

kyz1981 Mon 21-Oct-13 20:37:22

She has seen OT a few times as my DS has SPD and we pay privately for the bulk of his OT as although his NHS OT is very good we don't get that much input from her and I doubt I would get in to see one without going down the pediatric consultant route- which I am happy to do IF I can see that they would see there is a problem.

I will speak to my DS pead off the record and maybe his ed psych and see what they say, I am also happy to go private if necessary as the support she would need would be very different from my DS at the moment.

Her main issues are around toilets at first it was the hand driers but now she is funny if the other children don't flush as she can't bear to do it, this has meant that she has wet her self on a few occasions at school as she wasn't able to explain to the teacher- I think she may have told the teacher but the teacher said to flush it herself something that she finds hard .

Blenders still bother her.

Crumbs and bits of fluff if there was a bit of fluff or a crumb on her water bottle she will refuse to drink it as she would feel it was contaminated - the same if her plate was not clean and new.

She gets really upset if she can't peel a banana in the right way - Ie in stripes - she will then refuse to eat it.

She also rolls fluff round her fingers and can't seem to stop herself doing it.

Some of it has sensory bases some of it does not. I have always known some of it was quirky but put it down to DD just being particular. But seeing it written down like this has maybe made me think I have had my head in the sand a bit.

Henny1712 Mon 21-Oct-13 20:37:58

Hi Kyz,

I read your message and felt quite annoyed with the teachers comments. I am an early years teacher and have specialised in SEN. Your DD sounds like a perfectly normal little girl who is worried about her own ability which is completely normal. The things you describe I have seen in my classroom and gentle support and time will help. This also mostly happens with more able children who are aware of being 'clever' or 'smart' and they panic when asked questions or put on the spot. Support your DD and tell her how amazing she is and reassure her that her teachers believe the same. I know this sounds like simple advice but some teachers are so fast to label before working with children. Xxx

PolterGoose Mon 21-Oct-13 21:09:05

Henny I know you mean well and I hope you're right, but IME and lots of parents on here too very often teachers are the last to see signs of neuro/developmental disabilities. So, when a teacher does actually notice something that they consider significant enough to tell a parent I think it's worth taking on board. My ds could certainly have had his needs met a darn sight sooner if teachers hadn't been so dismissive of my concerns.

And please don't use the term 'label', it is offensive to many of us and diminishes the needs of our children: luggage has a label, children with disabilities have diagnoses.

WhereToGoForReferal Mon 21-Oct-13 21:57:24

My ds 6 has ASD and attends a special school - dd 8 is NT and in mainstream, recently we have been having a few concerns over her and I wish her school were as quick to notice things. I've had a meeting today with the SENCO and dd is going to be referred for a speech and language assessment initially then possibly assessed on the ASD pathway. They are aware ds has asd and we have considerable family history of adhd, dyslexia and dyspraxia - I think that has influenced how they reacted to my concerns!

DD is so different to her brother - he has severe learning difficulties also and was dx at 3. To me dd has asd traits and I'm hoping that with some good strategies put into place now that she will cope fine. My dh has a lot of traits and struggled a bit in school but it hasn't been a major issue for him - my worry about dd is that doing nothing could result in her falling apart when she moves to the large comprehensive school in a few years.

It may well be that your dd needs a bit of extra help in some areas, it sounds like school are on the ball.

kyz1981 Tue 22-Oct-13 07:46:16

Thanks for your replies- the teachers were no too worried but they are pretty on the ball. It also helps that DD is in a class of 15 at a very small village school, total of 40 pupils, I very much doubt anything would have been brought to my attention had she been in a bigger school in a class of 30.

Heny I tell my DD how amazing she is every day and will continue to do so, she is very bright and very happy at home.

Wheretogoforreferal We have a very similar family history, My DB has severe Dyslexia and the ASD traits are rife on my side of the family - my DH has accepted he most probably on the spectrum and we both had a terrible time at senior school.

My main worry about DD is the same as you- that as relationships become more complex and rules about social relationships become unwritten that she will fall apart. Not really sure what to put in place apart from trying to give her as much social confidence as possible.

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