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So so hurt

(44 Posts)
Broodymomma Sat 19-Oct-13 19:13:18

My ds age 6 has spd and suspected ADHD being assessed at the moment. He had a massive meltdown at my mothers house yesterday after she started winding him up and pretending to keep his bear.

Cut a long story short I just received the most vile email from her telling me she blames me for all his issues and I can't blame so called ADHD when it is my poor parenting that has caused him to be the awful child he is. She feels so sorry for him as its all my fault he is the way he is as apparently he is a million times worse in my presence. I could go on but it was several paragraphs of the same awful comments I am so hurt and stunned at some of the things she has said to me I don't even know what to do or say. Especially when she caused the bloody meltdown yesterday.

Apparently because of me the teachers will think I'm a awful parent and I have a bad attitude and he will end of being held back because of me.

Where we go from here I just don't know as I feel completely broken by what she has said and some of the things though I take on board I don't think I could ever forgive her for.

Today for other reasons was the second most special day of my life which she knew and yet she chose today to piss all over by her nasty vile comments.

I have tried to educate her on spd but she is not interested. So hurt I just need to vent. I don't even know how to respond.

sickofsocalledexperts Sat 19-Oct-13 19:32:49

I would tell her to fuck off, mum or no mum

Tell her that ignorance is no excuse for unkindness

Chottie Sat 19-Oct-13 19:41:50

Why was your M teasing your DC by taking his bear? It was a cruel and unkind thing to do to a child.

I would not respond to your M for a few days. I don't understand why she had such a vicious attack on you and your parenting skills. I am a GM and IMO your M should be there supporting you and your DC.

headlesslambrini Italy Sat 19-Oct-13 19:44:41

don't respond and ignore her. Let her spend the next few days wondering whether or not you have received the email.

Jacksterbear Sat 19-Oct-13 19:53:50

sad oh that's horrible, Broody. My ds (also SPD, + anxiety) is also much worse with me: this is, from what I've read, a very common theme: children let it all out with the person they feel safest with. My mum often comments on this but she does it in a supportive way, to show she understands that I bear the brunt of it, and also to reassure me about leaving ds with her. Sorry your mum doesn't see this. brew

PolterGoose Argentina Sat 19-Oct-13 19:58:47

Broody flowers

My mother did very similar, a few years ago I had pages and pages of letter basically telling me ds's Aspergers was the result of me being too rigid and controlling and more. It was awful. We were out of contact for a year that time, then reestablished contact for a bit, then out of contact again, then she came to stay here 18m ago and she was just vile, we ended up arguing over the most ridiculous trivial thing, but it was the proverbial straw. I've had no contact since. She will tell me what a wonderful mother I am at the same time as telling me I pander to ds and that if ds went to stay with her she'd have him doing stuff he hates, eating 'normal' food etc. She sneers and make judgy snide remarks. Horrid.

What you do next is up to you. For me, I just don't have the time or energy to give to a relationship that is so destructive.

Jacksterbear Sat 19-Oct-13 20:00:32

Oh and ps my mum has alsoinadvertently caused ds to have a meltdown by what she thought was gentle teasing, without realising how badly ds would take it - but once she realised, she was absolutely mortified.

RinkyDinkyDoo Sat 19-Oct-13 20:04:10

Sorry that you've been to made to feel so rubbish. That was just plain nasty of her and totally uncalled for. You need hugs, not being kicked when you're down. ((((((( hugs ))))))). X

Broodymomma Sat 19-Oct-13 20:13:48

Thanks everyone. I knew this would be the one place people would understand. It's how nasty it was that has upset me. Have decided not to respond for now will do so when i feel calmer. I just love how she has completely written my childhood as she seems to think she was the model parent. Bloody joke.

PolterGoose Argentina Sat 19-Oct-13 20:17:26

I just love how she has completely written my childhood as she seems to think she was the model parent. Bloody joke

Erm, do we share a mother? Mine has done exactly the same hmm

I have a mother like that and we have had a big falling out, though tbh compared to yours she IS the model parent. Good grief you poor thing. Her words are unforgivable and her method of delivering them cowardly and stupidly for her means they can never now be unsaid.

My mother at least has the sense to keep to the spoken rewriting of history and hurtful comments.

Sorry to hear that. flowers

zzzzz Sat 19-Oct-13 21:38:42

Well she can just FUCK OFF. angry

Don't respond. Cut off every attempt at contact. There is no room for this now.

Poor you sweetheart. Many of us have been where you are. Honk honk honk honk honk.

Agree sorry.

From your OP I can conclude that this woman has hurt your child very badly. And this woman has hurt you very badly.

Her email implies that she is not sorry and stands by her actions.

IMO this woman is a danger to you and your child's wellbeing.

nennypops Sun 20-Oct-13 15:48:25

Is your father around, or a sibling who can try to talk some sense into her? Though it sounds like a bit of a forlorn hope.

MadameSin Sun 20-Oct-13 16:43:54

Broody your mum knows she was in the wrong by teasing your ds. She's deflecting her guilt straight back onto you. Don't accept it even though it hurts. Parents can be so bloody sanctimonious. She has to regret what she's said. If she doesn't, that would make her a bit of a monster tbh and neither of you need that in your lives at this time. Walk away knowing that you love, understand and support your child - that's ALL that counts.

Broodymomma Sun 20-Oct-13 20:21:57

The thing is she is the type of person who always believes she is right and will never ever admit to being wrong or say sorry.
My dad is elderly and has dementia so in no position to help here. What hurts the most is yesterday we met our adopted son to be for the first time and start introductions for real on Wednesday. She knows how special this time is and how happy i was yesterday to finally meet our new ds and she just shit all over it. She has made me doubt wether I will cope with a new ds who will have issues due to his past and I'm now scared whitless. It's been 8 years of Ivf, miscarriages and an adoption journey and on the day we finally got our second child she decides to tell me I am a rubbish mother. I am mentally drained and upset at a time I should be gearing up to bring my baby home.

I can't help ds 1 has spd, I have tried to educate her but its all just down to bad parenting as far as she is concerned. To make me doubt myself at this time in particular I don't think I can forgive.

PolterGoose Argentina Sun 20-Oct-13 20:30:58

(((hugs)))

Please don't let her ruin this for you, she's wrong and ignorant (and quite cruel IMHO)

Focus on your new baby, he needs you flowers

signandsmile Sun 20-Oct-13 20:31:16

I agree with everyone else, (by the way), but just to give a bit more evidence to support your view please believe me as a family placement social worker, (as well as mum to ds with ASD) if you have been passed for adoption there will be NO concerns about your parenting abilities, I know how hard that assessment process is, everything is looked into and explored, without being offensive, your mum is talking out of her bum!

zzzzz Sun 20-Oct-13 20:31:19

You don't have to forgive her. She doesn't have to admit she is wrong or even recognise she is. She's being a pest. Send a text saying you'd like a break from her and her insights into your parenting till at least next year and run towards the good times. I did a decade of IVF, it takes a long time to get back to normal. Hang in there.

ouryve Sun 20-Oct-13 20:33:14

Tell her to go fuck herself. And when she's done that, go fuck herself a little bit more. If she's happy to cruelly goad her grandson, then she's a bloody shit abusive grandparent. If she's willing to place or the blame on you for her grandson's difficulties, then she's hardly a shining beacon of perfect motherliness, is she now.

Gosh, from your second post I can only conclude that your mother is REALLY mean.

Adoption isn't easy. I have a close friend who went through it and I can tell you right now, without any doubt at all, your mother would not have been approved and yet you have been.

Please don't doubt yourself. You have undergone scrutiny of your parenting ability and fulfil angelic and saintly requirements most mothers do not. There is no greater parenting test than an assessment for an adoption.

Broodymomma Sun 20-Oct-13 22:35:22

So people what would you do now?

HeShouldKnowBetter Sun 20-Oct-13 22:36:29

Oh you poor love, unshamed hugs! ((()))

Starlight is right, it is very tough to go through the adoption process.

Bluebirdonmyshoulder Sun 20-Oct-13 22:37:05

Your mother is an utter utter toxic piece of horribleness.

What an unbelievable thing to do, and on such a special day too. That says everything about your mother.

You on the other hand are clearly quite a wonderful person and a mummy extraordinaire.

How do you feel about cutting her out of your life?

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