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Help again guys with 'bullying'

(62 Posts)
claw2 Tue 15-Oct-13 21:53:59

Ds has been reporting to me almost daily about the same 3 kids hurting him and calling him names etc.

Ds previously reported to me a girl in his class keeps pinching him, slyly on the backs of his arms as they line up for class.

Also younger boys were chanting 'ds is an Indian' and 'ds is a loser' in the playground, which ds tells me was witnessed by another boy

I reported to school, school just said 'girl x can be tactile' and nothing about other incident.

Monday ds reports same girl x, pinching the back of his arms on 2 separate occasions and also that she grabbed his arm, twisted and bent it behind his back in the playground. He says her 'hurting' him is a daily thing. Same again today, pinching him as they line up.

Ds also says same younger boys are intimidating him, he says every time they see him, they stare at him until he looks away or puts his head down, insult him 'baby' and 'loser' until he runs away in the playground, then they leave him alone. If they see him in assembly they poke out their tongues. Ds is scared of them and tries to avoid them.

I reported to school again and have just received a reply to my email 'surprised if girl x indulged in this sort of behaviour, as she is a kind hearted person and its out of character for the boys' Then a few lines about what a good, jolly day ds has had, with only a slight incident at the end of day, with ds getting a headache'

I know that ds has sensory difficulties, I know that ds can misinterpret the actions, intentions of others etc, etc.

I need to approach this differently as just reporting what ds reports to me, isn't working. Ds obviously needs more support than he is currently getting with unstructured times.

Ds has just literally just come downstairs with blood smeared all over his face, where he scratched and cut himself and smeared it on purpose on his face. Told me he is 'sad because of PE and people being mean to him'

What do I do?

passedgo Fri 18-Oct-13 17:11:59

Hi OP, it seems that the root cause of your son's problem isn't the autism, it's the response he is getting at school. If a school cannot or will not promote and insist on an inclusive environment for all its children they are failing in their duty.

His behaviour at home is a response to the bullying at school and for that reason I would do what I could to remove him from the situation. The school must make reasonable adjustments to ensure your child has access to the curriculum. If he is unhappy and effectively making himself ill, mentally and physically, he is not getting full access.

I would go so far as to say that the school is committing institutional neglect if it thinks that disablist bullying is something that can be tolerated among pupils and ignored by staff.

Sorry if that's a rant, I get very angry when I see schools ignoring this type of thing.

PolterGoose Fri 18-Oct-13 17:55:08

claw in the Huebner series there is also 'What to do when you grumble too much: a kids guide to overcoming negativity' It's the next one we are going to do.

Something else recently that's helped ds see himself from another perspective is dp reading him the Hitchhikers Guide books and when Marvin the Paranoid Android says something typically Marvin, dp will make a comment about how it reminds him of someone wink and when ds does say a typically negative thing which is completely ungrounded we might mention that he is 'doing a Marvin', ds is starting to see how his negativity looks.

claw2 Fri 18-Oct-13 19:28:48

Maria, AR is in March, I can always appeal if necessary.

He sits in the reception with the receptionist. Its all a bit pointless ds having to choose between morning and lunch break in advance when he is going to feel overwhelmed! Ds jumped at the idea, but it will solve nothing.

Cant really set up a CAF, ds is already CIN and all professionals involved attend.

claw2 Fri 18-Oct-13 19:47:13

wet im not ruling meds out, meds were mentioned when he was 5, at that point I wasn't jaded and feeling optimistic! I declined as I felt it could be sorted out with appropriate support in school and from professionals. 4 years, 2 SA requests, one tribunal, one NIL, one crap statement, let down by professionals later it might well be an option. I still have a few things I would like to try first, if possible that is, depending on ds's state of mind.

I am now beginning to think there will always be something that makes ds 'sad' until we deal with him coming to terms with himself.

passed school have sorted it out now. They have informed me that it did happen etc, etc and this is by far not the worse school I have encountered. In fact, once they realised it wasn't ds 'lying' or his 'perception' they have been very good about it.

claw2 Fri 18-Oct-13 19:56:37

Polter ds cannot take constructive criticism of any kind. Since his break down last year, his state of mind is still very fragile.

There are so many areas that need working on and CAMHS are right, everyone needs to start looking at the bigger picture ie addressing all his needs at the same time for any support to have a positive impact on ds, including CAMHS!

wetaugust Fri 18-Oct-13 20:04:28

I think you're right to demand more than you are currently getting in the way of help from CAMHS. Talking about it regularly to a psych is a really good outlet.

You're doing a great job Claw. Don't despair. I was where you were once and now things couldn't be more different. It will work out.

MariaBoredOfLurking Fri 18-Oct-13 21:58:04

CIN can still have a TAC wink

How're they gonna do the AR in march with a school meeting planned for June then? Tho it wouldn't surprise me if you were the only one who'd noticed the obvious timetabling error...

claw2 Tue 22-Oct-13 09:05:48

Thanks Wet CAMHS are going to get back to me after their 'team meeting'.

Maria sorry I think I have confused you. AR is in March. School tried to schedule AR for June, as this was the date on the letter from LA, however despite LA letter being dated June, contents of letter stated AR to be held in March, not June, as agreed with me. So AR will be held at 6 months, not a year.

We have been having TAC meetings since last year. Last meeting a couple of weeks ago, social worker ended her involvement. Only professionals involved are CAMHS and they attend all meetings anyhow.

This is so sad to read. I've followed your threads and was delighted to see things seemed to be getting better. Is this indie school a mainstream school or do the other children have SEN too?
I know you want to find the right school for ds. I wonder what he gets out of school and whether long term home ed would be the way forward for you.

claw2 Tue 22-Oct-13 19:20:08

It is indie ms school with specialist provision on site. They also 'specialise' in HF asd, which ds is in many respects, although his dx is of general ASD, not HF. They have a high ratio of children with SN's, although not exclusively. Although ds doesn't currently get access to all the specialist provision on site YET, due to his crap statement.

He is starting SALT involvement next term, 1:1 with SALT which apparently shows 'moderate need'. He also benefits from the smaller class size and a named TA. So school are giving quite a bit, so far which wasn't specified in his statement.

Given where ds was a year ago, ds really has made massive improvements. I think where the baseline was extremely low, it sounds like he is doing terribly now, where he really is doing much better than before.

A year ago, I wouldn't have got him out of bed, let alone to school without him self harming and threatening to kill himself. He was refusing to engage with a home tutor at all or get dressed. He was just sitting, ignoring her and refusing to even talk to her, she at one point wanted to quit.

I haven't ruled out home ed, I would just like to give school a proper go first, as ds has never had any appropriate support in school before, ever. If im honest, I do think ds could benefit so much from a school environment, given the right support.

It's so difficult and I'm sorry for sounding negative. The school should be able to help him. It sounds like they are trying but it also sounds like they are a long way from getting it right for him. I think we are conditioned into thinking that school is essential for our kids, that they have to learn how to fit in to society and that school is the place for them to learn this. I just think some people are simply not going to be able to stuff themselves into round holes and for them school is largely damaging. I don't mean to say that this is my opinion of your son, just my feeling about school.

claw2 Tue 22-Oct-13 19:58:50

You don't sound negative at all Shopping, just realistic. I agree school might well not be the place for ds and home ed might become the best option, if this school doesn't work out.

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