Can I ask some advice about Plan B when you have children/?parents who are not good at negotiating.
Typical scenario: I want to go out and ds2 doesn't. I will give him a choice of going out to A or B or perhaps now or in a hour. He will just say I am not going out. He usually wins unless dh is around and we can physically lift him out of the house (I should add that once he is actually out of the house he will usually settle down and apparently enjoy himself)!
Alternative one might be getting changed in/out of pyjamas. Again, I will try different outfit or perhaps now or by such and such a time. He will just say no.
Did you have to work with your children to improve their compromising skills and, if so, any good strategies.
One I don't follow the plan exactly, for me it's more the philosophy that guides me if that makes sense? I do do a lot of work on compromise and negotiation skills, because I think these are absolutely essential. So I model responses, both at the moment when we are 'in conflict' so I give him a way out and also whenever the opportunity arises. I also encourage him to think about how he could have negotiated after the event when we do a 'post mortem'. When he does attempt negotiation or compromise I almost always agree to his request, even if it's not quite ideal, so he sees it as worth the effort and gives us something to build on.
Ds is 10, was dx at 6, he's very much a work in progress It took time to find what worked for him and us, he is very aware of his dx and this helps a lot, but it is a constant process of adapting and modifying and trying new stuff.
oneineight, it sounds like maybe you are trying to come up with the solution yourself and give choices rather than brainstorm with your child. The brainstorming ideally is done before the situation arises to give plenty of time to discuss and negotiate without time pressures. The idea is to find a win-win solution where both parties get at least some of what they want. Brainstorm without evaluating at first, include not going out at all and all possible (and impossible) options. Then go down your list and work together to find a solution you can both tolerate.
Thanks Polter and Pop. Yes, perhaps I am rushing in too quickly with the compromises and I could try and do the negotiation further in advance of the issue. Think I need practice as much as ds2 and ds1.
I just need to have my "work head" in action all the time at home to do this. much easier said than done. Some of the time I do, some of the time it's not possible. Ds1s behaviour issues are the top of the current list tho as they are the most recent addition to his repertoire...