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Violence is back the last week and she's hurting me

(9 Posts)
greener2 Thu 29-Aug-13 19:47:53

What the hell do I do?
She is 5 but this week I had been repeatedly hit,bitten to draw blood,kicked and she liked right at me several
Times and spat at me. I am a stupid stupid
Mummy apparently.

Then she is sorry and hugs me an gives me a kiss.

I don't know what to do. She has been assessed fr autism but they have said he is not autistic she is a challenge my with anxiety which is why she wants to control everything she is complex they tell me but nt

Don't know what to do about it and feel crap

Handywoman Thu 29-Aug-13 20:04:56

Come to join you on your thread, too, greener. No advice, but I hear you. I really do have to raise an eyebrow regarding your dd's non-diagnosis. Especially as your dd's school are singing from the same hymn sheet as you.

RippingYarns Thu 29-Aug-13 20:15:26

greener, you sound at the end of your tether sad

just because 'they' say she isn't on the spectrum, there is nothing to stop you using the same interventions/strategies as if she were - schedules and picture instructions made a huge difference to our life, even before we had a DX

<makes OP a brew>

or would you prefer wine?

greener2 Thu 29-Aug-13 20:44:51

Just want to know as they are saying she will get better with age and for me that is so much hope this is not life long but I can't understand why things are so difficult. What strategies do you mean? Poor thing is up with me now awful nightmare ad sleepwalking this has increased this week too

RippingYarns Thu 29-Aug-13 20:47:13

i mean like not giving her multi-faceted verbal instructions, helping her with ordering her clothes etc when getting dressed, giving her lots of notice when you're going to do something, make a picture timetable of the day ahead, that sort of thing

PolterGoose Thu 29-Aug-13 20:51:17

(((hugs))) and wine

Really simple things: keep her nails short and you wear clothes that aren't too easy to grab and that cover you well, if she bites she's more likely to get a mouthful of cloth, don't wear jewellery and keep your hair tied back if it's long. If she throws stuff then tidy away any valuable items she may grab so if she starts to get violent you can safely leave the room.

Make sure her physical needs are met: my ds is much worse if he needs a wee or poo, if he's hungry or thirsty or sensory overloaded.

If you can't avert the meltdown there's not much you can do once it starts, stay calm, voice low, don't loom over her and just ride it out. Remember it is likely an expression of extreme anxiety, even if she can't explain why, and the reason she gives or the thing that triggers it is most likely the tip of the iceberg/straw that broke the camels back. Once it's over don't rush to discuss it, cuddle if she wants it, do something nice. If you view it as a panic attack it is easier to deal with, and ignore anyone who says you should punish her, the aim is to reduce anxiety, then you can start to explore why it happened, if she's able to articulate it. She is only 5.

Keep a diary and look for patterns, only then can you work out why and then you can work out how to deal with it and prevent such extreme reactions. It takes time, but it gets easier. I've found that since ds learned to swear properly the violence has decreased.

greener2 Wed 04-Sep-13 20:23:02

Thanks sorry so tired to reply. Don't understand how these things can help her she gets dressed etc fine her outburst examples are
This
Morning I got out of bed before her and she wanted me to put my ds in his cot and get back into bed with her

She is always making tents from cushions etc it drives me mad as my ds collapses
Them an she goes mad sink said it was bedtime and we would need to take it down q screaming attacking spitting

Not getting her own way

Exhausted and battered

RippingYarns Wed 04-Sep-13 20:35:21

i have no formal training

i am 'just' a mum with a very demand-avoidant DD (6yrs old)

but here's my take on what you've just said, but as if my own DD was doing it (giving the ASD perspective, if that's ok?)

DD wants you to put DS back in his cot so she can have you to herself, he may be noisy/dribbly/need changing and she might need more time to adjust to being awake before she starts her day?

your DD makes tents and dens as it creates a barrier between her and the rest of the world

she also has issues with transitions - she does not accept it's time to stop doing one thing in favour of another

all of these can cause meltdown, it's her way of telling you she's not coping

the 'getting her own way' has got so much easier for us, when we realised that DD spends a vast amount of time planning a scenario in her head before she vocalises a wish/demand. she has run through it with the utmost precision in her mind, so cannot envisage it any other way than the way she has imagined.

this is why 'NO' causes so much initial confrontation

we now say 'no', let her digest the actual word, and then explain why her request/demand is not possible, in very simple terms. this can take minutes, or sometimes days to achieve

if i am way off the mark in your case, i apologise. and you can tell me to sod off.

LuvMyBoyz Wed 04-Sep-13 20:47:24

Have you read 'The Explosive Child' by Dr Green? Someone here mentioned it and I read it to help parents at school who tell me this happens with their dc (fine at school, meltdowns at home). It helps parents in your situation.

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