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Feel a bit bad for being annoyed with someone :(

(23 Posts)
buildingmycorestrength Mon 22-Jul-13 09:43:34

I have chronic fatigue and can't walk any distance...I just say, 'Oh, I'm ever so lazy these days' if anyone glances askance at me driving to the doctors at the end of my road.

I do not care any more. If anyone is genuinely interested and concerned you can tell. Most aren't.

greener2 Sun 21-Jul-13 18:56:37

Agreed, I think it was the way she said it and the fact she was banging on about not being able to believe I hadn't walked and that she walks everywhere I just got wound up by it that it came out. I am happy she didn't mean any harm and hope it wont be awkward when I next see her. Think I am just finding it hard as I don't have any friends here due to moving and so I go out with the mums to make friends and this happens, ooops.x

MovingForward0719 Sun 21-Jul-13 08:56:50

Someone said the driving thing to me the other day in the shop. She didn't mean anything by it, just how the convo went. I thought do I explain or let it go, so I let it go. I find it so much easier to do that since I got the diagnosis, I think you tie yourself up in knots when you are going through the process.

greener2 Sat 20-Jul-13 21:26:29

Sorry eyes don't think I made myself clear, I suppose its just I didn't want to go through all of her symptoms etc on a night out (am having to justify to lots of people at the moment why I have problems with dd as she looks as though nothing is wrong so its a touchy subject)

Bedtime now smile

Eyesunderarock Sat 20-Jul-13 20:42:21

'I don't understand why people always ask me why do I think she may be autistic, why don't they take my word for it?'

hmm
Why should they? A diagnosis is a complicated and often lengthy procedure that involves the judgement of various specialists as well as your own observations.
Diagnosing by parent is a start, but you need to formalise it if you are to be either believed by school or access effective support.

PoshCat Sat 20-Jul-13 20:35:20

In answer to her "does she sleep?", I think a lot of parents at my dd's school assume she's probably autistic. I have never spoken to any of them about her problems. They all gave us a wide birth when it became obvious she has issues.
Unless a child looks "Downs Syndrome" then it's probably autism or being "backward"
Said to me by the gran of my eldest child's best friend as and a teaching assistant in a local special needs school in the early 1980's.
OP, they just don't know. Lucky for them they don't have to. sad

sickofsocalledexperts Sat 20-Jul-13 19:54:59

Well that does sound like she regretted what she said greener, and has been stewing over it. Not many would actually ring and apologise, so maybe give benefit of the doubt ?

I know I find it difficult to find the right thing to say about disabilities with which I am less familiar, like Downs Syndrome, so I think people do struggle to get it right on autism. A very dear old friend of my late mum's asked me cheerily the other day what DS's special skill is , "as they are all very clever in some way aren't they, dear!" but she so clearly meant well, and was trying to find a positive , that i didn't feel offended and just said "no, it is only 1 in 100 has a special skill, but he is a very happy smiley boy" - which we both agreed is a skill in itself.

You said 'may be autisitic'.

That suggests you're not sure.

I just say 'ds has autism' or 'ds has ASD', though it really depends who I'm talking to. To some I might simply say 'he doesn't like talking'.

If you're concerned about giving a label she doesn't have then you could just say severe social communication difficulties that causes frustrated behaviours.

greener2 Sat 20-Jul-13 19:48:06

To be fair she did contact me this am to say she was sorry and hoped she hadn't said anything out of turn and how hard it must be for me. So I think she realised her comments were not the best (hence me saying to her that she didn't know what was happening in peoples lives) I suppose she is feeling bad for saying it in the first place so I have no idea why I feel bad still lol!

She came out with a classic though "does dd sleep? As all autistic children don't sleep very well"

I don't understand why people always ask me why do I think she may be autistic, why don't they take my word for it? I don't want to go through it all on a night out, plus then you get the comments of "oh my dd does that and they will grow out of it..."

sickofsocalledexperts Sat 20-Jul-13 19:46:48

I always found it quite interesting too Star, as people would be v keen to hear all about my DD and ask her on playdates, as a desirable "peer", but then they were often very much less interested in having my autistic DS to tea. With a few honourable exceptions, where the nicer mums went out of their way to invite DS to everything: these are the ones who became real friends - decent open-minded women who are raising their children to be decent and open-minded too.

Are they sick?

Hmmm, perhaps. LOL. Been to a few and the mums bang on about how bright my dd is. Didn't know I was supposed to reciprocate and divulge secret tutoring techniques/book bands etc. Usually just laugh and say 'ta, she's a right ole one' and change the subject.

Anyway, I CAN'T drive so have to deal with all the 'How rude', 'I wouldn't let my child behave like that', 'is that YOUR kid doing x?' all the frigging time.

Mostly I laugh in their face. Not because I'm being aggressive but because I know perfectly well what is going on, am possibly stressed out to the max and someone pointing out to me the frigging bloody obvious with their annoyed but concerned face often just makes me genuinely laugh.

sickofsocalledexperts Sat 20-Jul-13 19:34:48

Oh also, after about 3 years of primary school I stopped going on those "year x" mums' nights out, and only went out with mums I like. In fact the phrases "mums night out" or "year 3 coffee morning" still strike horror into my heart, as they are really just pissing contests as the mums all desperately try and work out whose kid is doing best. Yawn.

just recently:

'Oh at least half of the parents at my school with children with SEN are using it as a ticket to get their children a fully funded private education and most of them are only really just thick'

quote from a teacher at a party.

On reflection if that was the kind of attitude I faced there I too would be falling over myself to get my child somewhere else.

sickofsocalledexperts Sat 20-Jul-13 19:27:15

Yes I have had similar superior comments from the mummy green brigade. I did also justify myself at first, but now here is what i say and here is my interior dialogue as I say it - "ah well it is a bit more complicated for me as my son is autistic" . Interior thoughts: "you are a boring, pompous woman, who would have had a complete nervous breakdown if you had to live my life, in the early days of severe autism, for even 5 minutes. You may pride yourself on caring about the planet, but you have zero empathy for its human inhabitants and your manners are very bad and your conversation very dull. Next!"

Needless to say, me and greeny mum never did become chums!

zzzzz Sat 20-Jul-13 19:27:14

I find it best to totally underplay what I do on the whole, so I just let people I don't know that well think I'm a lazy cow. grin. I sometimes tell people I like some of what I do. Even dh only sees about 40%.

You do sound I a bit of a no mans land, without d. And with quite tiring dc. Forget the super mum karma will bite her.

cornyblend37 Sat 20-Jul-13 19:22:44

Oh I hate comments like that. It's like when people say stupid things like, 'Oh my kids ate everything because I didn't give them the choice,' etc
Add her to your twat list.

PolterGoose Sat 20-Jul-13 19:17:44

Sometimes it is just best to go "hmm" and leave it at that, absolutely no need to explain or justify. Hard for you though flowers

greener2 Sat 20-Jul-13 19:15:24

I think I always feel bad for speaking out when I feel put out and feel guilty about it, don't know what that says about me?!

Thanks all, just felt a bit looked down on and wishing I did have a good answer like above smile

She sounds a bit nuts/judgemental and you sound like you've had a raw nerve hit which she probably didn't intend (though is still a bit nuts).

Why did she feel the need to bang on about her walking in a superior manner, and why did you feel the need to justify your driving?

Don't get into conversations like that in future. Just say 'congratulations, you must have beautifully toned legs' and then leave it at that.

Crawling Sat 20-Jul-13 19:10:06

It sounds to me like she was being smug. I don't think itsounds like you spoke out of turn. You shouldn't feel the need to justify to strangers either.

Eyesunderarock Sat 20-Jul-13 18:39:01

So you have two children that are hard work, and you choose to drive? Makes sense to me, and better than staying in the house.
Your post is a bit muddled, why do you think DD might be autistic, and why do you think your DS cries all the time?

greener2 Sat 20-Jul-13 18:33:34

Hello,

Went out last night with the mums from dd school and feel a bit un easy that I spoke out of line after a few drinks sad

One mum was astounded that I hadn't ever walked into our town from where we live but said things like I cant believe you drive in and I never drive etc etc.

I just felt quite small about it and so I said well you don't always know what happens in peoples lives, then told her that dd may be autistic and that my 2 children are really hard work and so I cant do all the things like walk into town that others can. I felt quite upset with her as she asked me why I thought she was and then when I said that my son cries all the time she said he doesn't cry all the time, I haven't seen him cry in the playground..

I know it wasn't her fault but I felt as if I had to explain myself again to people who think im making it up sad and felt I over reacted too

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