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Having a real shite week

(50 Posts)
frizzcat Thu 04-Jul-13 14:02:49

Before I start, I want to say sorry to those of you who are dealing with real problems - but I really can't pick myself up this week.

We had the sports day this week and there was lots of activities going on, loud music system blaring out and despite ds sensitivity to noise he completed the tasks and wanted to do it. That alone should make me jump for joy but I'm just not feeling it.
I was annoyed that the TA was leaving early and it was assumed I would escort him round the course, while other parents sat drinking tea. I hate these things anyway, I can't eat before them and I'm just a pent up ball of nerves as I wait for ds to fall apart. He never does but I just can't enjoy them, everytime a note arrives I always secretly hope that a head cold arrives to prevent ds attendance. I never stop him doing these things and actively encourage him, why should he miss out because his mum is a miserable cow!?

I have tried to persuade my dh to do more of these things, but he's self employed and he's not paid for his time. I also feel like ds ASD is my sole responsibility, I read about it, am on here countless times in a day, he's 8yrs old and I lie awake thinking about secondary school and where is the best place for ds. Dh just leaves it to me and says he trusts me - but I just think that's abdicating responsibility to me surely!!
I am so tired of chasing up schools and NHS and god knows who, that I am mentally exhausted, I wish there was a button s

I am quite outgoing at the school gate, know lots of parents (MS) - and I know they have little meet ups with all their dc, most of the time we are not included, normally i dont get annoyed about this and let them get on, after all these arent my friends. Yet when there's a mums night out I get fired with texts, emails of " you are coming ... U have to come ... Won't be the same without you" I think oh so it's just my ds that's not accepted - and I think well fuck off - its not like my ds is badly behaved, he just struggles to talk to other people.

I'm also tired if these patronising arses who come up to me after plays and sports days with their heads practically falling of their heads such is the tilt of said head "oh didn't you ds do so well aaahhhhh" what I want to do is send laser beams from my eyes and burn onto their heads "twat" and then explain, my ds did well but no better or worse than any other dc here, so straighten your head and piss off.

The thing is that ds is going really well, really working hard and I can't see the wood for the trees.

Can someone just smack me out of it please?

mummytime Wed 10-Jul-13 14:15:56

I think you did right, especially as you apologised afterwards.

It is just very very hard, because we don't know what other shit is going on in others lives.

Badvoc Wed 10-Jul-13 12:47:55

You were 110% right frizz.

PolterGoose Wed 10-Jul-13 12:21:24

What NoHaudin said, you were right to challenge her. Simple is an awful word to use about a person angry

NoHaudinMaWheest Wed 10-Jul-13 12:15:56

No I think you were right to pick her up on it and it seems you didn't do it in an insensitive way.

I think some people like you are sensitive to all kinds of derogatory language and others only pick up on things that relate to them or their Dcs. However someone who is aware of some inapproriate language is likely to be more receptive to learning about other terms.

I say well done for being brave enough to say something.

frizzcat Wed 10-Jul-13 11:53:17

Oh holy knickers - I think I need to stay home for about 6mths!

We have a lollipop lady near our school and she's lovely, but she's not very good a picking a safe time to venture out onto the road, and having spoken to this lovely lady over the years I suspect that she may have some form of disability - I think learning or social.
Anyhow, this morning I saw her step out to stop the traffic and a car had to stop in a really unsafe position, which nearly caused an accident.
I was walking with another mum, who's ds also has ASD and is in the same class as my ds.
I commented that I worried sometimes that the lollipop lady would get hurt and I sometimes close my eyes when she steps out.
The other mum said "yeah, I think she's a bit simple". I was really shocked and said "actually that's not a nice thing to say"
The other mum said that it was a term used in her country and what should she say - I said I wasn't sure but don't say "simple" it's not nice.
She then took her ds and then ran off down the road confused blush

I had to track her down after the school run to make sure she was ok, apologise if I was being harsh, but we would both hate it if someone said that about our dc - and so I'm sensitive to any derogatory terms about disabled people. She was upset because she said she was embarrassed.
Do I need to grow a thicker skin?

merlincat Mon 08-Jul-13 15:12:40

Thanks Frizz. He is AS himself (not that it excuses being an ARSE). He was pretty sorry he'd opened his mouth by the time I'd finished with him grin but I'll hold your kind offer in reserve.

Oh the tilty, head brigade, don't you just love them? Every fibre of your being is just longing to say 'actually, you can stuck your sympathy up your fucking arse because MY KID IS SO MUCH NICER THAN YOURS!'

Badvoc Mon 08-Jul-13 13:21:32

Good idea frizz!

frizzcat Mon 08-Jul-13 13:17:56

Badvoc casually walk around with Piriton in your hand - make sure you wave the piriton around n a theatrical style whilst talking to people.
When you start blubbing, say its hay fever and hold up your piriton

frizzcat Mon 08-Jul-13 12:50:20

Merlincat - sounds like the baby of the house isn't getting enough attention.... Ah diddums to your poor dh and I'll throw in a bucket of ice cold water over his head - free of charge. I sincerely hope you are taking him to task over this?

Yes the fight does take everything and I often feel there is nothing left of me. So it's fucking irritating when those around you don't see that the reason our dc are coping is because we have done everything to make sure they cope including using a crystal ball and telepathy ffs !!

Badvoc Mon 08-Jul-13 12:27:22

First horrid thing this week over with...a presentation of cards and gifts for the teachers at ds2s pre school (it's closing)
The other parents asked me to give a short speech which I did....managed to doit without crying too helps that I practised it 6 times at home
Just got ds1s leavers tea and disco on thurs and the leavers assembly on Friday.
I shall have wept myself into a decline by Friday afternoon smile

Badvoc Mon 08-Jul-13 12:25:29

Merlincat...omg. Just....omg. sad and yes, I know exactly what you mean. Ds1 is doing well but I feel broken.
Mil didn't speak to me for 2 weeks when we took ds1 out of school and home schooled for a year...
Cue a few months down the line and home ed "is the best thing we ever did" !!!!&£??&£??!

NoHaudinMaWheest Mon 08-Jul-13 12:00:17

Merlincat that is so way out of order from your Dh. I can sympathise; my Dh has told me more than once that I should be satisfied as I now have the disabled child I always wanted.

Ds is 16, on the whole things are not too bad at the moment with him. But we seem to lurch from one crisis to another and inbetween I try to sort the longer term stuff.

It is utterly exhausting but we cannot afford to let things go never mind give up.

Coff thinking of your dd too.
How are things looking for Ds next year? Good idea about sports day. Ds was message runner for his first secondary sports day and really enjoyed it for a change. (And probably got more exercise than anyone else!)

frizzcat Mon 08-Jul-13 11:21:12

Yes, do love a hair appointment - even I can't make it look the way they do!

Coff you've just hit the nail on the head, it's the never ending fight and pushing mixed with the anger and upset of the unfairness of the system and a dx. Also hope your dd is ok

I'm fighting back this week, picking myself up and dusting myself off - what else can you do? Apart from trying to invent lasers that I can burn people with smile

badvoc dm maintains there is nothing wrong with ds, occasionally she acknowledges that there's something wrong and comes out with the classic of "he'll grow out of it" angry. Her dp usually follows up with " they didn't have all this nonsense in my day, kids all played together and did their work"
The last time he said this - I fixed him with my "look" and said "well they didn't have HIV in your day but they exist don't they?" Another twat candidate. Maybe I should resurrect my "bastard list" thread??

merlincat Mon 08-Jul-13 11:18:21

I had a lovely comment from Dh yesterday; Dd 1 is 17 so I too have had over 10 years of smarming round parents, teachers and being the play-date queen so others would consider behaving decently to Dd. She's doing ok but the process has taken everything I have - you'll know what I mean by that. So yesterday Dh said that I am "obsessed" with Dd, that I feed of f her condition because it ensures unconditional love from her and that I am addicted to that. I assured him that what I would infinitely prefer would be for her to come rolling in pissed each night, be covered in tattoos and have a string of dodgy boyfriends rather than to be the anxious and often lonely girl that she is.

It is fucking breathtaking, it really is. Hijack over.

claw2 Mon 08-Jul-13 09:45:37

Frizzcat sorry had to laugh at your description of burning twat onto their heads and telling them to fuck off grin at least you still have your sense of humour!

Glad you are feeling better after a visit to the hairdresser.

coff33pot Mon 08-Jul-13 08:43:22

Thanks Bochead x

My mil doesn't get DS let alone anything else lol!

That is another thing though I think we do panic more than our kids sometimes! I guess when faced with closed doors and stubborn ill informed proffs the panic button goes in and won't pop out again smile

Hope it all goes ok Bochead. Two kids moving on and moving up in one summer is bound to be an emotional ride x

Badvoc Mon 08-Jul-13 07:11:11

Coff...still thinking of you and dd {hugs}

Badvoc Mon 08-Jul-13 07:10:53

Was talking to mil about it last night but she doesn't really get it.
As far as she is concerns ds1 is fine so sy aren't I.
I wish it were that simple.
I think it's all coming to a head for me this week tbh.
It's last week of pre school for ds2 (and it's closing and I am taking the card and gifts in today for the teachers) and its ds1s last week at primary.
He is taking it all in his stride....wish I was!

coff33pot Mon 08-Jul-13 02:15:20

oh and yes my ADs are a regular each morning with my multi vits lol! grin

coff33pot Mon 08-Jul-13 02:13:36

I think what exhausts us is that the battling doesnt really stop does it? The major biggie wears us out, the disbelief wears us down and when we are believed its a hard one to bear as we didnt want any of this for our children in the first place and not the strain it causes for our families.

At each stage there is another hurdle to jump either in annual reviews, IEPs, moving on up schools, fresh teachers, its never ending.

My dread at the moment is seeing that DS is doing well but maturity wise the gap is widening very fast indeed between him and his peers sad that is something I have no control over or can currently improve.

Oh and sports day just doesnt exist in this house. He just point blank refuses any PE right up to the build up of the big day. But this year I have asked that as its his first in this school that he is given "jobs" with his TA so he can at least experience the event from afar and have at least some social practice on handing drinks out etc.

Badvoc Sun 07-Jul-13 15:17:42

Un hear that should have read!

Badvoc Sun 07-Jul-13 15:17:03

Yes.
I have heard things I can't I hear iyswim?
So although my ds1 is now leaving this school my ds2 starts in sept and it's hard for me...knowing what they think of kids with sen.
The deputy HT said in a meeting I was at (I think she fighting I was there) that "we all know that is kids haven't reached level x by end of ks1 they never will"
Lovely.
Luckily, I think that's a crock of shit and my ds has gone from level 1s in year 3 to level 4s in year 5.

TOWIELA Sun 07-Jul-13 14:45:56

I know what you mean badvoc. I have been fighting my LA tooth and nail for the last 18 months. Prior to that I was fighting his school for 4 years.

I have been through some real crap in my life including ex walking out on me after getting his leg over the bike at the school gate and leaving me to bring two very small children without any support whatsoever from him.

But nothing compares to the nastiness and corruption of my fight with LA!

Badvoc Sun 07-Jul-13 14:38:20

I scoffed at her at first tbh....but then I sat and thought about it.
I have fought with GPS, hvs, paeds, teachers, Sencos etc all to get my son the help he needs.
The irony is he doesn't really need it anymore (which is great) but then - logically - I should be happy as larry, right?
Except I'm not.
My years of experience in the world of sen have shown me things I will never/can never forget.
It's hard for me to relax knowing there are so many other kids being failed on a daily basis by the very people (often paid by the state) to help them.
sad

frizzcat Sun 07-Jul-13 14:34:34

I often wonder that Badvoc. A few years ago I did have a spell on AD's and it did help but it doesn't give the answers to the real questions?
Am I doing right by my child?
Am I doing everything I can?
Will my child function independently as an adult?

A friend of my with an SN child once said to me that those are worries that all parents have - the difference with us is that our battle has been picked and is known before anyone else's is .....

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