Aggressive behaviour of autistic child's sib

[howsitgonnacomeout]

I'm hoping some of you can help me get some perspective with an issue which I just don't want to blow up. I love the people involved but don't know how to handle the situation.

A close friend of mine's 5 year old DS1 has ASD. The whole family are exhausted and on edge the whole time. This child tends to become aggressive when everything gets too much for him- either when happy or anxious- ie most of the time. He's doing unexpectedly well at school, having been statemented & having a one to one TA..

There is a bit of history that her DS1 has been physically aggressive with my daughter (same class ar school) in the past- pulling her to the ground by her hair, covering her mouth when she speaks, she comes home with grab bruises on her arms etc. the teacher & I have been encouraging her to keep her distance from him at school (which has helped- and luckily she's mature enough to do this most of the time) even though she adores him. He is not aggressive to other children in the class, probably because they let him be.

Friends 3 year old DS2 is battered by their DS1 constantly. He is frightened of his brother, with good reason.

My issue is that friends' non ASD DS2 is becoming increasingly aggressive with my 18/12 DS. By her own admission it's only my DS that he is like this with. He is copying his brother, swiping, pushing, & verbalising 'I want to scratch/ hurt [him]

[howsitgonnacomeout]

Posted too early...

All in all, any advice? Mum's doing the best she can but I just hear her tell her DS2 'that's not nice'.

Just hearing perspective of other parents who have been in my friends' situation would help.

I know my situation is comparatively a walk in the park but I'm finding it difficult to support her- and hold my tongue as I don't want to make things worse.

[howsitgonnacomeout]

Just read my post. I just need to get a grip, don't I ?

[DisAstrophe]

It is great that you support your friend but you have to protect your toddler.

I'm also zero tolerance on violence with both my kids - one of who has asd and learning delays. I can't completely stop the behaviour but I can minimise the harm by intervention.

Do you have the sort of relationship where you can tell each other's kids off. If so then the next time you tell him off if the mother won't. Nothing over the top just a firm voice.

If you can't do that then you can say "oh dear everyone is getting very tired time to go home" . And leave. Hopefully she'll realise that even if she has become used to fisticuffs other people have different expectations.

If that fails then perhaps you can support in other ways. Offer to babysit at night so she can go out. Or meet up without the kids or just chat over the phone. Her 3 year old will hopefully quite quickly grow out of bashing younger kids.

What would be really sad is if you did/said nothing but then got so pissed off with the situation that you stopped being friends or it blew up into a row. It can be very isolating having a child on the spectrum and we need all the friends we can get.

[DisAstrophe]

Polter - if it works then you are on the right track!

I mean I always try to something about violence (even if I don't succeed! ). That might mean distracting, sitting with ds or dd on the stairs. A reminder to use gentle hands. Or I might get cross and shout. I would never sit back and let my child repeatedly hit someone else's kid or their sib.

I totally agree with the OT stuff for a child with ASD and I expect it would probably work with the NT child who the OP is most worried about at the moment.

[BarbarianMum]

You have to protect your toddler. Either be right there to intervene, or avoid playdates for a while (if it is getting really bad).



Can you talk to your friend about this, or does she talk to you. Cause this sounds really awful. That poor kid.

[saintlyjimjams]

ds2 and ds3 grew up around sometimes physical kids with learning disabilities. I hovered over them and picked them up if anything happened when they other children were visiting. For NT 3 year olds time out.

Mine have never copied any of ds1's physical moment, although when they were younger they did used to sniff rather than read books.