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Soooo the best strategy for my Ds is to use.........

(31 Posts)
crazeelaydee Thu 09-May-13 11:33:55

ME!...Apparently when my Ds (AS) is having days when he is not completing his work their BEST EVER strategy (which was working fantastically until I was able to lower my Ds's anxiety levels when he came in from school by getting him to open up about his day/work, so I can possibly, maybe actually try to HELP) to stop him from bouncing off the dam walls and constantly asking me every second if I love him and if I am proud of him, or randomly telling me that my life would be better for me if he wasn't in it supposedly caused this super amazing strategy to 'stop working' angry

I know this is not the AIBU thread but Please, please can one of you level headed ladies tell me that IANBU to be extremely pissed about this?. The more I think about it the more it is really riling me up!

Also, If there are any special needs teachers on here can I have your views on an experience SN teacher (previously worked in a SS) who has had experience with Asperger's telling my Ds (or any Dc for that matter) that he isn't completing his work because he is being 'lazy'?....what if I was to add into the equation that this was done in the classroom with all other children present? (but it was OK because it was a 1-1 discussion angry) Is it just me, having completely lost my patience with peoples sheer stupidity being a little over protective or is this really unacceptable? Weeks ago my Ds heard me jovially telling his dad that he was lazy, some time after he declared that I didn't like his dad on the basis that I had told he was lazy! confused

PS. A little note to those too busy on MN and not doing the jobs they are paid for.......you know who you are! I have officially lost my patience, congratulations you have stirred a part of me that I have always managed to keep at bay! You thought I was a PITA before....its about to get a whole lot worse. How dare you!? when you actively avoid using strategies provided by outside agencies to blame ME for your inability to act on this guidance!

Well I feel a bit better now! Sorry about the rant! smile

TIA

PolterGoose Thu 09-May-13 11:50:44

Hi crazee you sound a bit stressed flowers and brew and lots of wine

I'm really sorry but I just can't follow your post at all blush confused

ouryve Thu 09-May-13 12:02:03

I think you really need to call or email the headteacher about the teacher who called your son lazy. Tell them that he has told you this and is upset about it. Emailing is probably the best strategy, if that's possible, because then you have a record of the conversation, even if it did not receive a reply.

I agree with Our, email the conversation. Do it bullet point style and keep in unemotive.

Dear HT,

I am just raising my concerns over a conversation I have had today with ds' teacher who stated:

a,b and c.

I am worried about the impact of these comments and potential underlying attitude on the progress of my ds. Please will you investigave and if necessary put in appropriate strategies to ensure this doesn't happen again or impact any further on ds.

love you lots......

Actually don't be concerned, be alarmed.

Dinkysmummy Thu 09-May-13 12:26:39

flowers brew wine <insert take deep breath smiley>

I too could not really follow the post... But it is clear that the school are being a PITA.

crazeelaydee Thu 09-May-13 12:28:15

sorry polter I'm livid blush

We had a meeting recently about my Ds still not completing his work, apparently the fact that I have been discussing my Ds's day and asking if he has completed his work or not (so I can try to find out why) has caused him not to do his work?? So basically his CT told me that the best strategy she had been using was to use me.....in what way I'm not sure?....pointing out I will be proud if he does it or cross if he doesn't I don't bloody know. But either way she is pretty much saying that it is my fault because he has perceived me asking as not being bothered if he does his work or not, if this was the case he just wouldn't do it!. I could probably...very vaguely see where she was coming from had this not been a re-occurring problem for the past 3 years.

She has worked in a special school and has experience with Dc with Asperger's yet she didn't bat an eyelid when she openly admitted that she had told him during a 1-1 conversation at the back of the class while other pupils were present that he wasn't completing his work because he was lazy?? so his disability wouldn't of come into at all then?? no sensory issues??, no anxiety issues eg using me or social confusion on the playground?? She must be right he is just being lazy confused

My Ds can come in from school some days and he will be bouncing by that I mean overly fidgety I can't explain it....other than not my Ds's usual self, repeating random sentences, Will ask me over and over if I love him or if I am proud of him. He has spontaneously told me that my life would be better if he wasn't in it. Now that I know I am being used his behaviour makes sense, I would put money on it that these are the days that this supposed effective strategy has been used.

crazeelaydee Thu 09-May-13 12:30:43

Thanks for the replies....I am beginning to calm now...sorry for the confusion. The HT was actually in on the meeting and never said a word! I think that is what is annoying me the most TBH, but as I said I don't know if it's just me being overly protective.

zzzzz Thu 09-May-13 12:42:41

I think you write and TELL them not ask, to stop using your relationship with ds to their own ends. OUT-FUCKING-RAGEOUS!

No one is to imply, state or allude to how your emotions about your son will or will not be effected by he is behaviour.

I would then take your son aside and tell him very directly that you love him, you are proud of him and that NOTHING he does is ever going to change how you feel about him.

I actually think this is beyond horrendous.

Send her a fucking bunch of flowers with "your Mum wouldn't be very impressed with you today"

God ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, it's like they think they have the right to every part of you.

PolterGoose Thu 09-May-13 13:06:57

That is awful angry

I absolutely hate using the idea of someone being disappointed to affect behaviour, teaching staff need to support and motivate children without recourse to such ridiculous antics. I would suggest school are being lazy for relying on such a crude motivator. You are absolutely right to be furious.

DS has a positive behaviour book.

After each lesson the TA writes something that the teacher has said ds has done well for me to read.

When he comes home I say 'wow, ds, Mrs x said you did really sensible sitting/talking/drawing'. The teachers are allowed to say 'Wow ds, I'm going to write that down for mummy'.

However, I would not condone 'if you do this then we'll tell mummy'. It's a threat, not positive sharing.

crazeelaydee Thu 09-May-13 13:29:04

zzzzz that is bang on how I feel! I might just do that....the flowers! good idea! There are many, many things that my Ds does that makes me proud and I tell him at every opportunity. I tell him I love him for him and nothing would ever change that so to have me used as a 'strategy' to me just seems like emotional black mail for want of better words! I swear to god I was just speechless when all this had been said and then when my Dh mentioned Ds's AS she pointed out that she had worked in a special school and had experience of AS in a very gentle 'don't try to educate me on these things thank you very much voice'.

Forgot to add that because I have ultimately cocked up my Ds's education by giving a shit, the ball was bounced back to me as to how we were going to get Ds to progress in his writing.

It seems as though we are constantly repeating the same things over and over again. We have actually gone in and relayed information from suggestions written in reports from outside agencies (which we requested from the school) or things which would be the first things they would of done to begin with like timers, buddy systems, visual/verbal prompts and they are oh wow yes lets do that as though its the first time its been mentioned.....and then don't confused

I might write the email, just hope it doesn't come out like my first post blush

zzzzz Thu 09-May-13 13:33:23

I think I may have been "projecting" just a little. grin

It might be an idea to keep up your sleeve "How would you feel if he was commenting on how proud or not your Mother is of you, based on your performance in a lesson." It's inappropriate and horrid.

HONK HONK

She may well be an expert on AS (generic) but you are the expert on DS (specific).

PolterGoose Thu 09-May-13 13:33:55

crazee does he have a statement? If not, I requested statutory assessment (knowing that ds's needs are perfectly able to be met under school action plus and he already has 15 hours LSA), it really spurred school into action and was a very effective tool at getting school to record all the support they are and think they are providing. It now gives me some thing to wave at them when they fail to meet is needs.

Trigglesx Thu 09-May-13 13:43:28

I cannot imagine that it's to his benefit for them to play on your son's anxieties by saying "your mum will be pleased" or "your mum will be disappointed"... Can't they see that this may feed his anxieties and insecurities?? I would put it in writing that this method is to stop immediately as it's detrimental to his emotional well-being.

Personally, they should be able to come up with some type of reward system or confidence builder that will encourage his cooperation without resorting to emotional blackmail - which is really what it is IMO.

ouryve Thu 09-May-13 13:44:55

So they're being pretty manipulative, then?

He sounds like he has a few similarities in his MO to DS1. Sometimes school and I do do a sort of pincer movement to help keep him motivated or tackle a specific problem, but that's with my understanding and consent and active participation and not with me as an unwitting passive partner in it all.

And if he is anything like DS1, who has a lot of demand avoidant tendencies, telling him that I'd be proud if he did his work is ASKING for him to see what happens if he doesn't. It's a red rag to a bull. And yes, trying to apply external motivation to a task simply increases his anxiety.

This teacher who has SS experience - I think you have to ask yourself why she is no longer working in a SS, I'm afraid.

crazeelaydee Thu 09-May-13 13:56:12

Hi polter, due to past ishoos the teachers are actively writing into Ds's books whether he is having additional help, how many lessons he takes to complete his work, if he was using a timer (which is complete bullshit because he doesn't), working in small groups etc etc which pisses me off too because he gets to read all about his "bad" days as he calls them angry. But on the other hand this will also work to my advantage because it is proof that they can't meet his needs if he is not progressing.

I am gathering evidence for a statement at the moment as to why the school can't meet his needs and I will be applying for one very soon because I am sick of them passing the buck TBH. I too believe that my Ds's needs could be met on SA+ but I think if its being enforced from above the HT I stand a smaller chance of being heard. In theory anyway....

crazeelaydee Thu 09-May-13 14:04:13

In previous meeting with said teacher she has matter of factly told me she knows exactly how to speak to my Ds eg depending on the mood he enters school in (grrrrr) she knows to ask politely or firmly.........straight away instant no-no! never ever 'ask' my Ds to do something, because he is then given the option to say NO, which then ends up with him being rude and defiant with out even realising it.

MareeyaDolores Thu 09-May-13 18:40:20

Be patient. And keep documenting. This sort of rubbish will go pop shortly, and you will need to be calm, collected, and ready for action.

I was told a long time ago here (by star, moose and coff, I think) to take my suddenly flaming barbecue-on-fire type anger, and turn it into a dense, small, white-hot, controllable flame, while biding my time...

crazeelaydee Mon 13-May-13 13:36:21

I'm trying MareeyaDolores smile just sometimes I struggle with people being so idiotic and all patience just flies out of the window. It would appear that CT's strategy back-fired on Friday I was greeted by a very very angry little boy when I collected him from school. By far the worst verbal outburst I have ever witnessed from my Ds sad. He actually wanted his CT dead! I have never heard him speak like this before!! When he eventually calmed down, some 30 mins later it was all because he wanted to bring a picture which he had made home to show me to make me proud because he had worked really hard on it.

MareeyaDolores Mon 13-May-13 14:14:37

I (sometimes) found ranting on here to be a very good way of diverting my intense desire to rant and rave in RL. Although I did also rant lots in RL blush

crazeelaydee Sat 01-Jun-13 14:57:18

Hello! Just wanted to update, while I am in a very calm mood smile. I didn't send an e-mail to the HT in all honesty I think HT is as much use as a chocolate fireguard there's a classic case of "too many chiefs and not enough Indians" in my boys school from what I have seen. My Ds ended up having time off due to S & D, feeling dizzy (funnily enough the day after he had an English test...which he said didn't go very well, but didn't want to talk to me about it). Some may of seen me pop up on other posts mentioning the next bit!. My DS had an appointment with a peadiatrcian while he was off and she asked me how he was going on at school, after I mentioned that writing was a huge problem varying from day to day, he told her that they call him lazy and tell him he can't be bothered and he is beginning to believe it! (she instantly suggested a scribe and why my DS's written work may be varying, which was so relieving to hear TBH!) and her asking what strategies they were using.....I told her all about my last meeting smile, that I suggested DS typing to take the pressure off writing and see how he went on...which got laughed off and followed up with "xxxx has his KS2 SATS coming up and writing is a very large part of it" from the HT, He is only in YR 3 for god sake! Peadiatrician was not happy, put my DS straight about the SATS being for the schools benefit and he was not to worry (I just know this will come back and bite me on the ass in the future because my DS will always say that I have said something if he can't remember who said it!), has referred him to occupational therapy (something else I suggested to HT/CT during last meeting too) to rule out fine motor issues. She has also very kindly forwarding a letter to the educational psychologist to see if she can't get her to contact the school and suggest a scribe too...just for good measure.

MareeeyaDoloures Sat 01-Jun-13 18:28:39

Yay grin

flowers [choc] and a thank-you card (or nice comment on NHS Choices) for that dr to wave at their annual management-led appraisal.

lougle Sat 01-Jun-13 18:40:52

It sounds like lots of issues are combining to cause a big issue sad.

I wouldn't be concerned about someone telling my child they were being lazy, tbh - SN don't give immunity from it! But I'm obviously in a minority smile

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