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God what do I do with my poor DS?

(475 Posts)
inappropriatelyemployed Fri 03-May-13 15:45:31

He couldn't get to school at all today. He has only been going in for part of the day with me. He was wailing and crying about putting his uniform on and how he can't cope.

Where do we go from here? His third school. One period of HE already. School will do whatever they can but he can't cope and I worry I am damaging his mental health.

He finds it so hard to explain how he feels but he can';t cope with kids at school. We went to a special school to look around yesterday and he wouldn't look in the classes and got visibly stressed out at a glimpse of a child in a far off corridor.

What do you do?? CAMHS? HE? This can't go on.

cornypringle Fri 03-May-13 15:50:34

my ds was exactly like that
he refused totally in the end
we did home tutoring (provided by LA and it was a nightmare) and then ind SS, which is where he is now.

If I could have my time again I'd have pulled him out of school before he got to crisis point and would have HE or asked for indi SS earlier.

cornypringle Fri 03-May-13 15:51:18

sorry that you ds is in such a bad way BTW sad
you must be at your wits end with it all as well

zzzzz Fri 03-May-13 15:52:34

I'd HE. It's NOT the end of the world to say group learning/institutional learning doesn't suit you. It's not an indication that you are rubbish. It's just a fact. Let him learn in the environment he needs and succeed. Give him a happy childhood to take forward into his adult life.

HOme Educating is NOT the booby prize. For some little people its like finding the sunshine again after a long cold and exhausting winter.

cornypringle Fri 03-May-13 15:52:42

also...sorry to keep adding bits on...my ds needed time away from education to deschool before he could contemplate indi ss.
Maybe that's what your ds needs?

inappropriatelyemployed Fri 03-May-13 16:17:05

Thanks.

God. We have just applied for a mortgage to move house as well as we've been in rented while trying to decide what to do.

But I can't cope with any more chaos and I'm now thinking we should pull out as everything is all over the place and I don't know I can cope with a move.

I know what you mean about HE but I also think he may manage an indy special. I just don't know.

cornypringle Fri 03-May-13 16:18:35

if only we had a crystal ball life would be so much easier!

zzzzz Fri 03-May-13 16:27:06
PolterGoose Fri 03-May-13 16:39:33

I am going to be more direct than I would usually be. I'd take him out of school, HE for as long as he needs. We only get one childhood. He clearly cannot cope with school at all, has moved several times so another move is very unlikely to solve this. He needs time out to 'get well'. I think you have to do what is right for the here and now, and clearly school isn't right for him at the moment. It doesn't mean it won't be right at some point in the future, and he may need a very slow transition back into formal schooling, but it is now that matters.

flowwithit Fri 03-May-13 16:43:47

Is he more upset today because he went to see another school yesterday?

inappropriatelyemployed Fri 03-May-13 16:44:25

Thanks. Do you think we are mad to try and move somewhere in the same town?

I'm not sure we don't all need a fresh start. I would love to run away west and just be a family for a bit. HE both of them. That is really what I would like to do.

DS2 likes school and DS1 has a few friends. Would it be made to take him away from it?

I'm not sure I can cope with packing and mortgages just to be here in the same place we've been folundering in for 10 years - 10 years!

Icedcakeandflower Fri 03-May-13 16:47:18

Things to think about:

1. Is he getting any benefit from going
2. Can school provide him with a room so he is taught away from the other children?
3. Would you want him to be?

If the answer is No, I would be inclined to remove him. You may need to get him signed off by CAHMS to get a home tutor.

After a period away from school, as Corny has said, your ds may be ready to look at an indy school.

I made my dd go to school until she had a breakdown, and swore the same thing wouldn't happen to ds (who's 10).

flowwithit Fri 03-May-13 16:51:30

Have you been to CAMHS before, do you have a contact there you could use for advice?

zzzzz Fri 03-May-13 16:52:22

How old are they all?

What about work?

What are the options?

AgnesDiPesto Fri 03-May-13 16:58:35

I would at least try and get some medical support via GP and CAMHS etc as if you deregister and just home ed you will lose your statement and all the hard won provision in it.

You need to request an emergency review and tell the LA you think he needs a period of no school/ home tutor, then gradual return to an indi SS. I think you just have to bite the bullet and have the conversation with the LA.

You have school support at the moment and its going to be easier to get indi ss with a school backing you up than without.

AgnesDiPesto Fri 03-May-13 17:00:17

Grrr Cross post
Or run away - thats also an appealing option

inappropriatelyemployed Fri 03-May-13 17:05:20

Thanks.

1. No benefit as far as I can see and I have to go with him
2. No. We are moved around from staff room to corridor to teacher's office
3. I don't want him stuck in a little room on his own with a TA, wincing when he sees a child.

PolterGoose Fri 03-May-13 17:07:19

Maybe it is time to do what you want to do and be where you want to be. You do sound as if you want to move away and HE? What is stopping you?

Icedcakeandflower Fri 03-May-13 17:13:13

You need to get him out of there, but Agnes is right.

Do not deregister to HE, get him signed off sick, - in my LA it needs to be done by a consultant. They will want to send a home tutor round, which you may or may not want.

Give him some space and yourself some thinking time.

inappropriatelyemployed Fri 03-May-13 17:15:19

I have asked for help from the LA who reviewed statement and issued a no change at AR and said they'd look at it again in July!

He is out of bloody school but they say the provision is 'appropriate'. The statement can't even be implemented at the moment so how can that be.

Solicitors are now dealing with it by way of JR

I have now made an apptmnt for GP but local CAMHS are crap and are likely to mess with his head even more!

He is just tired and he's had enough and so am I!

inappropriatelyemployed Fri 03-May-13 17:18:02

Thanks.

Polter - what is stopping me? DS2 I suppose. He likes his school and it is a nice school. Also knowing that running away is not always the answer and may be a 'fight or flight' response!

Icedcake- not sure what the position is here. Our GP is very nice and I am trying to see her next week. I am sure she will help as she knows the history of all this.

I'm not sure DS could cope with a tutor just turning up!

inappropriatelyemployed Fri 03-May-13 17:21:42

Flowwithit - I think he knows his current school is not right for him and that he only stands a chance at in a more specialist environment. Even then, it would be tricky. I think he is just tired of trying. He said it is like constantly forcing someone's hand open and putting a spider in their hand when they are scared of spiders.

They are 10 and 7 now.

dev9aug Fri 03-May-13 17:25:07

We have moved twice and both times did our homework and have been in better position then if we hadn't moved. It's been nothing but positive for us. I admire you for fighting but one of my very wise boss told me once, Never ever give up, but know when to quit.

PolterGoose Fri 03-May-13 17:29:57

What dev said

Sometimes we do need to stop fighting. There can come a point when we are so embroiled in the fight we forget what is actually important. Your priority is your ds1's wellbeing, and your wellbeing too, you sound exhausted.

zzzzz Fri 03-May-13 17:36:15

When was the last time he was happy? What were you all doing?

I can't know what's right for you but for us HE has been great. Yes there are days that are hard but ds is happy. We can go out. He is making progress. As Dh said "you can't do worse than school" and this is true. For MY ds school is too hard. He just can't.

The difference for the rest of us is immeasurable. I wake up happy.

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