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In a mess...

(33 Posts)
neverputasockinatoaster Sun 07-Apr-13 18:49:31

Posting here because if I post anywhere else I'll get a flaming and I know I'm awful so I need advice....

DS is driving me bonkers. He is so violent when he doesn't get his own way. Now the rational part of my brain tells me he is angry I want him to, for example, pick up toys in his room because it is not part of his plan for the day and it is change.. But the limbic (I think) part of my brain goes into stress mode as soon as he starts shouting and I find myself making all sorts of ridiculous threats like if he doesn't help tidy I will tidy all his toys into the bin. (Yes, I know I'm stupid) Then he gets even more anxious and comes at me with an absoltely evil and viscious look on his face and it scares the shit out of me for 2 reasons - 1 is that he will hit and hurt me and 2 is that if I don't stop this he will hurt someone else one day..... So then I scream at him and manhandle him away from me and it all gets horrible. I don't hit. I smacked him once when he was 3 and he has never let me forget it. So if I can control myself enough not to hit why can I not stop yelling at him?

I know his temper is all my fault because I yelled at him so muhc when he was little and I didn't know he was ASC . I thought he was just naughty and was helpless at my inability to control a 3 year old... He learned to yell and shout.

So, what do I do? I realise we need a routine for room tidying so that it happens at the same time each week and it needs to be up on a timetable so he can see that, say, Tuesday is room tidying day. I can sort that easily and have begun to make a chart he can see and I can incorporate that into my weekly session of writing events onto a calendar. I can do that.

I know I need ot stay calm but I find that so hard. I am currently trying to imagine there is someone watching me....but that has a negative effective because I get so hung up on the invisible person judging me so I get even more stressed. So, that isn't the technique for me...

I don't want it to be my kids posting on mumsnet in a few years tiem about their abusive mother......

To be clear - I know I'm dreadful, I know it is wrong and I know I should be ashamed of myself and my lack of control over my temper - I am ashamed of myself. I can't talk to anyone in RL about this, i really can't. There is no one to help me. I was offered a 123 Magic course many years ago but then the HV got back to me and said it would be quicker if I just got the book myself from amazon.....

I want to be a better parent. I want my kids to grow up in a calm and peaceful household.

fasparent Mon 08-Apr-13 23:31:21

Hi have looked after many children with FASD an umbrella term , Children with FASD have multiple associated problems ADHD, ADS, Aspurgers, Autism etc etc. Interventions, stratergys and understanding how all these children feel , is important and their understanding and perceptions of the world around them and what and they do understand and perseve is understood by people around them.
A good guide can be down loaded "Reach too Teach" at www.fasaware.co.uk

neverputasockinatoaster Mon 08-Apr-13 23:22:17

There are times whn I am soooo tempted to take my mum up on her offer just to show her but then I think of the damage it would do to DS.....

neverputasockinatoaster Mon 08-Apr-13 23:18:47

Can I just say that when I say I have no one in RL I an tell about this and no one who can help I don't mean I deal with DS alone... I have a husband and he's lovely but I am too ashamed of my thoughts to tell him....
My mum is of the opinion that DS has 'naughty child syndrome' and has often said that I only need leave him with her for a week and she'd sort him out......
My ILs favour smacking.
The HV who offered me 123 Magic basically withdrew the offer of a course and told me to buy the book instead.

I will look again at DLA and Carer's allowance. Thank you for that advice.

DS is generally lovely but I am just so scared that he will grow up to be violent or abusive. I don't want him to be. So, I have to show him how.

I think I need to look into ABA.

Hallybear79 Mon 08-Apr-13 22:58:35

My goodness never, reading your post was like reading my own thoughts word for word. I hate myself most days with the way I deal with my DS & I dread every day. I think I'm going to have to start some sort of counselling.

AgnesDiPesto Mon 08-Apr-13 21:09:48

neverputasock I am sure all the extra supervision etc should be enough for DLA. Local carers charities will often help you fill out the form.
If you are exhausted then you should also be entitled to direct payments for you to have a break.
Even if HF then still needs extra care because of aggression / challenging behaviour etc
In our LA you have to have ASC + either SLD or challenging behaviour to get social care direct payments; but I challenge anyone to say a child with ASC is not challenging even if its excessive passivity /withdrawal/ rigidity / refusal to follow requests not aggression its still 'challenging'.
The fact you need to go on the course should be enough to trigger a need for a sitter so you can go.
I found having a clear idea of what we wanted and what for can help get direct payments eg I need a sitter so I can go on Magic123 course, I need a sitter because my mental health / relationship is suffering etc
Its worth a try

MareeyaDolores Mon 08-Apr-13 20:32:40

Oh good, glad that bit is working ok for you.

My other slummy-mummy confession is sleeping bags rather than duvets (started as an alternative to a weighted blanket as he likes to be squashed up, but gave them to the other dc too blush as they wash/dry easier and quicker, and you don't need to do the sheets nearly as often)

I ended up using dla for a cleaner, cos when I was cleaning it meant not supervising the dc quite as actively as usual. Preventing the ensuing sibling violence was ending up as a perfect excuse for my slovenly ways grin

Walter4 Mon 08-Apr-13 17:18:13

I tidy all his toys, to be honest , its the least of my worries with my ds! Provoking a meltdown/ increased anxiety to cope with other things means its really not worth it. Sometimes if he seems in the mood we do it together...for fun!

MareeyaDolores Sun 07-Apr-13 23:27:55

Btw, any once a week stuff in this house is doomed to failure, unless there's an appropriate monetary incentive (slippery slope there...)

5 min daily has a slightly better chance of working.

MareeyaDolores Sun 07-Apr-13 23:24:49

We haven't sorted the mess issue though. Eventually I realised that all the dc really do with their toys is 'container play' (tipping them out) or 'advanced container play' (arranging them nicely, then losing interest)

So I hid most of them for 2 months, got rid of the ones they hadn't mentioned, and kept anything with 'bits' locked away. Cruel? yes, a bit. Necessary, proportionate and essential for my sanity? Definitely.

MareeyaDolores Sun 07-Apr-13 23:19:31

DLA is simple: how much extra care is needed (3 bands: some / quite a lot / 24 hours) and whether outdoor mobility is affected (2 bands). Calculated by adding up the time spent looking after the dc compared with an average non-disabled dc of the same age. Same with how far they walk / amount of supervision needed outside. That's it. Simple.

The form isn't at all simple, however, and that's what lets people down. Either cos they struggle to complete it, or cos the DLA office people misinterpret their answers. The cerebra guide helps.

neverputasockinatoaster Sun 07-Apr-13 22:28:09

Agnes I have always assumed that DS would not be eligible for any element of DLA... I look at the hoops that people with DCs with really severe problems have to jump through.

DS is diagnosed with Asbergers, is not on an IEP or IBP at school (although I am fighting that one tooth and nail - he is at school in Notts and getting SEN support there is nigh on impossible), he doesn't need excessive supervision nor is he a 'flight risk' when we are out and about...... He just needs a structured life and help managing his emotions...... (Just - hah!)

I kind of feel they would laugh if we even tried... plus I'd feel a bit guilty when I know of people who are being turned down.

I work so assumed I'd not be counted as eligible for Carer's.

Just been in to DS who has kept himself awake reading........ Tomorrow will be such fun!

AgnesDiPesto Sun 07-Apr-13 22:10:10

You may be entitled to direct payments for you as a carer - most LAs only do one assessment - of the child - decide not disabled enough and therefore not eligible for any help. legally they must do two assessments - one for child and one for the carer.

Don't understand why any child with ASC would not be eligible for any DLA? Have you tried applying?

I am rubbish at routine too.

neverputasockinatoaster Sun 07-Apr-13 22:06:01

See I found 1 2 3 Magic just induced more panic stricken rages in DS! I stuck it out for 6 weeks and was more bruised and battered by the end of it than I had been at the start.

Rescue Remedy on my shopping list.

I only ask for his room to be sorted once a week. More than that is too much for me! When we are on form it is a 20 minute job to pick up toys, change bed, dust surfaces and hoover floor. So actually he is only involved in about 10 mins of that. The problem comes when the routine slips a bit ie when I am in the throes of work based pissed offed ness and I can't face the house work!! Then if it doesn't get done it becomes a huge undertaking!

And yes, whoever asked, things are worse when I am faced with PMT! I feel as if I am about to boil over!

We do ask for the living room to be cleared of toys each night and actually he doesn't kick off at that... I think that he, like me, sees the enormity of a task and can't see how to break it down (just like his mum!) Hence the tasks I need to do each day to keep the hosue under control!

Thanks for the support. Now I need to go and rescue the washing I left outside (I'd leave it but DH would go into an spin about laundry thieves grin ) and then I shall crawl into my bed. Tomorrow I have to take the tv and digi box back as they have both catastrophically failed!

Badvoc Sun 07-Apr-13 22:05:32

Agnes...do you spray it on, or just pour and gulp!?
smile
I have ordered some (rescue remedy, not baileys)
Being of Irish extraction, I am afraid I rather view baileys as a waste of good whiskey smile

CouthySaysEatChoccyEggs Sun 07-Apr-13 22:03:48

grin Baileys is calling me too - and I very rarely drink due to my other meds!!

AgnesDiPesto Sun 07-Apr-13 22:01:02

my rescue remedy is a glass of baileys blush

Badvoc Sun 07-Apr-13 22:00:04

I am amazes at stuff I once thought mattered...Honestly.
I used to iron handkerchiefs fgs!!
(Yes I had that much time on my hands!)
I am a slattern now compared to what I used to be like.
And you know what?
The sun still rises and the world still turns.
My house is just a bit dustier smile

Badvoc Sun 07-Apr-13 21:58:03

Op.
I told my son on one very fraught day (I was trying to HE him and also had a very clingy 15 month old to look after ) that he was lazy.
My severely dyslexic son.
Not my finest hour and something I am very very ashamed of.
Give yourself a break.
X

justaboutalittlefrazzled Sun 07-Apr-13 21:54:33

Yes I find rescue remedy helps.

Oh, and this bit -

"I know his temper is all my fault because I yelled at him so muhc when he was little and I didn't know he was ASC . I thought he was just naughty and was helpless at my inability to control a 3 year old... He learned to yell and shout."

- total crap. Not your fault at all. Lose that thought.

Ruggles Sun 07-Apr-13 21:47:39

Its wonderful grin. Nelson's do a very good one too with no alcohol in it and our local flower man makes his own too. I really think they help.

Badvoc Sun 07-Apr-13 21:45:01

Hmmm..is rescue remedy any good?
I need something that's for sure!

Ruggles Sun 07-Apr-13 21:43:50

Please don't be too hard on yourself. I did quite a lot of screeching at my DS who is 4. So did my DH and everyone else! We've been doing the 123 Magic for a month and it really works - or at least it has for us. I bought the two dvds as don't have to persuade DH to read a book wink. I really like it as its a very clear-cut system and because I know where I am, I don't need to lose my temper. DS wasn't too impressed with the new routine, but it worked quite quickly. Problem will be sticking at it... We haven't watched the second one yet.

CouthySaysEatChoccyEggs Sun 07-Apr-13 21:28:12

Oh, and I only ask for the room to be sorted once a week, at the weekend, in a Saturday. Any more often than that is just too often! It's not worth the rows and violence...

CouthySaysEatChoccyEggs Sun 07-Apr-13 21:27:18

I've recently discovered Bach Rescue Remedy too. It IS helping, more than I thought. As is vanishing into the kitchen for 5 mins...or the loo, as the loo has a lock!!

The constant exhaustion IS what causes the shoutiness - that and I have realised that I have a SERIOUS PMT issue.

I try not to ask too much of the DC's when I'm due on, because the inevitable refusals because it's not in their plan for the day escalates too quickly as I CAN'T control my shouting then.

Do you find it's worse then, or just all the time?

I agree that a timetable can help.

Also, if he has too many books, let him go through them with you to 'thin' them out. Either put them in the loft for a younger sibling / cousin / friend, or ask him to do a book sale or something to raise money for ASD research...

(Am currently in the throes of trying to get two DS's on the Spectrum to thin out their toys and books...VERY stressful, for both he AND them!!)

Make sure you only have in the room what you have storage for.

Pick battles wisely.

I know that the fact that I haven't had a break in over a decade isn't helping the exhaustion levels and therefore shoutiness levels.

Badvoc Sun 07-Apr-13 21:01:10

I think picking your battles is a major learning curve (or at least it has been for me)
So the room doesn't get tidied a very day?
Is that the end if the world?
Is it that bad?
Is it less bad than the shouting and violence?
If so, then dont tidy!
Using a quiet voice is so much more effective ime as they don't expect it.
It can, of course, drive them even more mad smile but it can help you feel in control which is important at times.
Stop being so hard on yourself.

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