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How do you cope with 'daily mail' type ignorance.

(35 Posts)
popgoestheweezel Sat 16-Mar-13 08:00:23

Went out last night with a few friends and hangers on, some of whom know my situation and some don't (ds definitely has pda, just waiting for final assessment and diagnosis).
Conversation turns to a child who had done something to upset one person's dd at an after school activity. when the parent questioned this the adult in charge said 'oh, X has aspergers so he probably didn't understand what he has said to upset your dd, I will have a word with him'. The parent was indignant of that and said how she didn't care what was supposed to be wrong with him but she expected that he be made to apologise there and then. Nothing wrong with expecting an apology I know, but this then lead to almost everyone there saying that so many people get these labels for their child to excuse their bad parenting, get benefits, not have to take responsibility. Some children are just 'born bad' and they need 'sorting out'. I had remained quiet throughout this as I didn't want to get emotional but I contested the idea that anyone is born bad I said some children were born with difficulties in some areas. However, I was pretty much shouted down by what sounded like quotes from the daily mail of lazy parents who don't know how to set boundaries and tales of the consequences that they have used on their nt children and 'would work for any child'. I made my excuses and went home but it was a really depressing evening.

colditz Sat 16-Mar-13 08:02:23

Laugh loudly and say "awwwww, it's so adorable that you still think that, really it is" but don't elaborate.

Then you're making it clear that their opinion is immature and stupid, without having to be drawn into a disagreement.

colditz Sat 16-Mar-13 08:03:52

Or fix them with comedic, exaggerated concern, and say "You do know that the telly isn't real, right? And that the Daily Mail is well known amongst the more intelligent segment of the population to be an absolute rag?"

PolterGoose Argentina Sat 16-Mar-13 09:23:40

Sorry you had to deal with that, I've had similar recently at work which has been hard. It can be worth asking when such people qualified as paediatricians?

But in reality life is hard enough without having to deal with such ignorance, so I would steer clear of people with those attitudes.

troutsprout Sat 16-Mar-13 09:28:52

And these people are your friends because....

Actually tbh thats a little unfair...I did used to know people like this.. But I cut em loose. Life is too short to waste on people who make you feel bad about yourself. If I'm out with friends I don't want to be going home feeling worse. They ain't friends to me if that happens.

Ask them who shoukd sort out the 'bad' children and why? Where the funds will come from? How much in benefits they'll get? How that will help? Who dxs? What the Dx referral pathway is?

You don't have to challenge but let the realise their own ignorance and perhaps even bore them off the topic.

auntevil Sat 16-Mar-13 10:10:48

I was told by a member of staff at school that I was a "bad parent" for not sitting down and keep practising cutting with my DS3 - and that I only had myself to blame! angry
Now he is being assessed for dyspraxia (DCD) and says that she always knew that he had difficulties angry
popgoestheweasel some people are just idiots and cling on to whatever crass comment is made popular at the time - by rags full of lazy journalism.

LimboLil Sat 16-Mar-13 10:35:51

It's really disappointing tbh that once you have, or realise you have a child with special needs that you find out how crap people are. It's almost a case of starting from scratch. Though I think you have to let some things go. People say daft things to me and though it annoys me, they haven't just spent a year obsessively reading up on the subject like I have!

MareeyaDolores Sat 16-Mar-13 10:35:52

Educated guess alert: This person is unknowingly talking about herself, not really about the other parent, nor about you.

She has an over-sensitive child who takes language literally and needs an immediate apology no matter what the circumstances. Probably takes after the mother who unquestioningly believes what the Daily Fail says, and has no tact plus a tendency to see things in black and white.

cornypony Sat 16-Mar-13 11:11:32

what starlight said.

It can be hard when you're just thrust into the situation though. I always think of something to say after the event.

Emily7708 Sat 16-Mar-13 11:19:09

I have had so many comments like that, it's so depressing. One (ex) friend said that I should give DS (4, ASD) to her for a week and she would get him sorted out. Also my own inlaws seem to think that there is nothing wrong with him "that a bit of discipline wouldn't solve". I can't even be bothered to answer most of the time.

EllenJaneisstillnotmyname Sat 16-Mar-13 11:22:14

Someone said that your DC with SN is a fantastic friend filter. Soon sorts the wheat from the chaff for you.

cornypony Sat 16-Mar-13 11:24:25

Ellen that is very true.
It's also a good teacher filter!

clare40 Sat 16-Mar-13 12:12:05

I'm still learning the hard way about the attitude, it's very likely my son has adhd and said to a friend that he was having trouble in concentrating and the school are concerned. She replied "I don't believe in any of these new labels - he just needs discipline". My darling ds is not naughty and he gets upset by his own behaviour. What could I say, I was so upset I didn't say anything. Needless to say I have hardly seen the person since - I need support not criticism and ignorance.

MareeyaDolores Sat 16-Mar-13 13:12:45

Clarifying my upthread post. Most bigots need a slap re-educating.

But a few need patience, the ones who are blaming themselves, unaware of their own dc's SN, struggling, in-denial and foolishly internalising the nastiness that's been sent their way.

auntevil Sat 16-Mar-13 17:00:39

Ha ha I like the 'friend filter'. That'll be why my DH says 'Do you have any friends that have children that don't have SNs?'

TheNebulousBoojum Sat 16-Mar-13 17:08:25

'Someone said that your DC with SN is a fantastic friend filter. Soon sorts the wheat from the chaff for you.'

grin It's worked well for around 14 years so far.
The problem many ignorant, opinionated ranters had with me is that I was a teacher with a reputation for good discipline and managing challenging children in class.
And I've always been open about Ds's dx. They often stuttered to a halt.

TheNebulousBoojum Sat 16-Mar-13 17:09:17

I have a lot of friends whose children don't have SN. But they were top quality to start with.

OmiQueenofTypose Sat 16-Mar-13 17:11:07

I'm afraid I'd just cut loose anyone who spoke about children/parents like that. If it's someone who I know will listen, I will tell them just how wrong they are. Actually, I probably do this with everyone, but in a proper burn-your-bridges way with the ones who are just being nasty.

That said most people I know have been lovely about DS's sn (ASD). Although at one point I did find their questions and emotional prodding a bit much. Including lots of 'But can't you just...?' But I think I've snapped enough times that people either know the answers by now or leave me alone.

Some of the things people on this thread have had said to them make me both sad and angry

I hate that attitude you get, that it's your fault for being a bad parent (especially before you get the diagnosis). I always liked having perfectly-behaved DD with me, and pointing out to professionals that I used praise, boundaries and makaton etc for years before having DC (former teacher). But I don't think any of those things actually made a difference: I am full of admiration for my fellow parents of dc with sn. They know so much, do so much, live through so much.

Grey24 Sat 16-Mar-13 17:33:04

So depressing/disheartening the way most people seem to think. Sorry you had such an awful experience with friends.
I am reading the replies as I need to know how to deal with these kind of comments without seeming 'defensive' or 'oversensitive'. Thank goodness for MN SN - I would feel so alone and isolated without you.

Dinkysmummy Sat 16-Mar-13 18:40:36

I really feel for you. I'd have had real trouble keeping quiet!

I think it is hard because too many are woefully ignorant when it comes to SN. I just nod, and say "yes" because there is no reasoning with these types of people!

zzzzz Sat 16-Mar-13 18:51:56

God it's utterly awful isn't it? I agree that I had no idea how many arses there were out there. I assumed most people were nice!

I tend to respond, but I do cry for days afterwards. Joyously for me much of this comes from my own family. Luckily Dh is a rock, and my children are lovely so we are complete in ourselves.

mrslaughan Sat 16-Mar-13 19:39:48

They are just ignorant fools, I would be cutting them from my social circle.
Idiots

flowwithit Sat 16-Mar-13 19:54:49

angryIt sounds familiar to me too and sadly I think they are not worth your time. Horrible hurtful attitude!

mymatemax Sat 16-Mar-13 20:07:08

f*ck off you're talking out of your arse, usually does the trick! smile

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